The blue jays screech and fight over the food we have laid out for them...I positioned the feeder just outside my bedroom door so that instead of relying on the holler of an alarm clock, in the wee hours of early daylight, I am woken by the birds. The reindeer, swan, and my favorites; the Christmas pigs are all decorated and put into tins and prepare for their first bite. The chandelier hangs heavy with stars and snowflakes and greens all around, and the Potter boys, just as when they were small, still have magic in their eyes and the Holiday spirit in their souls.
I realize this season more than any other in my past, that we are blessed ..so blessed.
I have a family and we love one another, truely love one another, and choose to be together...
I have dreams that are unstoppable..
Sometimes I have silent nights, holy nights...
And I always have me; humbled by what we have been through, softer around the edges, stronger in spite of myself, and aware of how much love and compassion swirls around on the lips of the wind.

Thank you for being with us on this incredible journey called life.

Happy Holidays..with much love, Sharyn and her boys

I can find so many things to be sad about each day with Caleb...how he struggles, how he seems like a little boy now; helpless and confused, how he has changed, and we each have followed...new people, each one of us. I have been giving alot of thought to the choices we have every moment of the day, and recognize that that is where our power lies. Thought is all we have. Every thing that exists now was once just a thought in some persons's thinking process. I am trying to catch myself, to bend the truth to another truth, and to choose a better thought. It takes disipline and often times all the energy I can muster up. But when I can change my thought, I can change my outlook; and Caleb and Kai and Max and I look safe for awhile.

My goal is joy!

Today... a morning coffee on Newcomb, spent silently with Jan in celebration of our son Kai turning 25 today!
When Kai was a very little boy, he would speak to me quite frequently about his "other" mother from where last he came forth....and as was his nature then, as is now, he never did it spitefully..he just wanted to tell me all about her. She was all the things I could not be to him. She eve n looked differently. She was dark, small and plump, with black hair. She was certainly more sane and seemed to have all the time in the world for him; something this mother had little time for with two other robust boys trailing. Somehow she always seemed to bring him comfort. It has been many a year since I have heard from him about her...he now finds his comfort with Lizzy, and her extended family; his Aunt Carol and Ray are always around for anything he needs, and he has a true love for his brothers: Max, Caleb and Timmy that is wildly fullfilling.
He is a gem; he is someone who is truely comfortable in his skin. And I know that all the little things that he will leave behind will make this world a bigger place.
I don't know where his "other" mother has gone. I suspect she is always near, whispering sweet , encouraging words to him, guiding him in times of darkness and in light. ...tenderly holding his hand.

And today I want to say thank you to her for loving my little boy.....
and I want her to know that I am just as proud as she to have been chosen to be his other mother too.

Happy 25th Kai! With Love.

Here we are, and always remain, a patchwork quilt of emotions, dreams and desires. A life sewn back together and cherished. I used to sing a pretty little tune in my head, and now it is a sad song that carries me. But through adversity comes change, and like that little green snake that resides in my pond, we slide along behind, shedding our old skin... and grow new.
Caleb and I sat cuddled together on my bed just before he left me to slumber away..and I spoke openly about his accident and told him how much I miss the old Caleb. For the first time he prompted the conversation and wanted to tell me how it felt from his vantage point...how he feels locked inside and cannot get back to who he was before. I reply that I too cannot seem to find who I was before his accident either...we are patched together..torn pieces and bare threads hanging loose. This is more than just a heartbreak for me..it smells of death.
Life goes on....he is active in the community, a bit happier each day, confident, and riding a wave to change.
I have been devising a plan to turn part of my property into a cutting bed so that I can employ Caleb and another brain injured man in the spring with the hopes of building this into a much bigger program. This is now my life and I take it on with open arms...bring it on... I shout into the heavens! So come buy your fresh flowers from us. We are looking for a name..Caleb and I will be selling at the farmer's market in Orleans and then hopefully the following year at the Prez Hall here in town. Organic veggies and flowers are the menu - so all of you free thinkers ..just give me some input if you have any.


And along with all of that, I still hold onto my childhood dream..that there will most certainly be a happy ending!
And I will once again find the beauty that is Caleb.

I was out with a "new" friend tonight and she spoke of how her husband cut a scallop out of it's shell, determined it was in a heart shape, delicately wrapped it, and brought it home to her. Oh my God... I thought my heart would explode.....in all the years I was married to Jan all I ever wanted was to go the long run...to get, after years of marriage..that heart shaped scallop.

Then I think of Caleb, and how delicate life can be, and I realized again, that all I ever wanted was to have my boys grow old along with me..healthy and complete.

So now I am learning that what we want......and instead what we get..is sometimes just the thing we need........ Because Jan could not love me the way I expected him to... I had to learn to love myself.

Because Caleb cannot give me my future...I have to create it.

In the past weeks, before I turned the corner, I was thinking mostly about death..and how I could slip out of this life with Caleb un- noticed. Now I just want to hang in there, because I realize how our lives are just a blink of the eye...and why not blink it out?
Our greatest impact is in the here and now......our only chance to change things resides in the present.

Caleb got into the truck tonight at dark..drove to So. Fleet to be with his dearest friend Cedar. I followed behind in my truck until the turn off..and kissed a silent goodbye as he turned right and I continued on.......
.and so we must all continue on.

This post has been long overdue...but I have been a very busy scrapper in the past two weeks, to say the least. I have determined that I can no longer keep one foot in landscaping, and the other involved with brain injury, so I have turned the businees over to Kai, who is perched and ready to fly. Meanwhile, I have connected Caleb up with three other brain injured men at this end of the Cape and they had their first bowling/pizza night out this past week. What smiles on those faces! We plan on seeing how this works for all of them, and then we will add movie nights, week-end activities etc. I am so happy for Caleb to have new friends in his life and the freedom he experienced last week was delicious!
We have been working on our barn for the past couple of weeks, transforming it into a space for Caleb to hang. As soon as it is painted ( right after Christmas) he will be more on his own. He is volunteering at the Library 3x a week, works with the after school program in clay, and sits in with the preschool crowd once a week. His schedule is intense, and I as his secretary am finding it taxing to keep up with...but oh is this good for him, for me, and for everyone involved.....We have turned another corner and it is looking bright out there for the first time in awhile.
I still toss all night .... each night, but now I find I am less stressed being wide awake when even the roosters are still, knowing that we are moving forward.
Not what I wanted, not what I thought I would ever be dealt...but what we have.....and having the best time with it possible.

It was a sobering moment when Kai said that he felt I had hit an all time low..it is one thing to feel it, and yet another thing altogether to have a child put into words the thoughts which echo your feelings. As we sat at the beach, (the beach where his father took his life), he said he had never once heard in all of his life the grasping sound of my giving up...and there it was...and I could hear the worry in his tenor. I can tell you that for me the thought of dissapointing any one of my children is a very big and concise kick in the butt...and it forced me out of lifelessness into action. I would say for all of you out there who labor over whether or not you should say something to a friend of a loved one about an issue which concerns you? --- go for it..it was just the jump start that I needed. So we are back on tract for now ..Caleb was given the honor of attending the Oyster fest as an official...the very same oyster fest that he loved, made money at, entertained the multitudes, and competed in at the shucking contest......and as one friend put it ..as the next hot shot she was rooting for to win..... and who was now standing on the stage handing out the prize winners money! He has come a long way. His beloved nurses were down again..if ever angels walked the face of the Earth! I am still hurt as we walk along the path and friends ignore him...the very same friends who called him hour after hour to be entertained by him only two years ago..... but I realize that we all have a choice to concentrate on what we have or what it is that we don't have..we can look at the bright side, or the dark side...and God help me, most of my life I have been looking at lack..and now I want to focus on abundance...I want to wake in the morning being able to say that my child is still alive; different, changed, transformed, but with us. I want to be able to say that the positive outweighs the negative, and that never, ever again will I dissapoint any of my children by not believing in myself!

It is from that same window that I watched him grow..
perched high above the garden green.
Hands dreamily dipped in soapy water...I watch him unaware.
He bends to study a tomato in the same way I study my face.
Creased, rough, lined with age.
He picks it anyways..
We understand eachothers wounds...
and I make my way through the day by remembering.

Now the light has settled to dust
I wake from the pillow.
This one is wrong....creased, rough, lined with age.
The soft has gone missing.
So I walk to the window once more. But he is gone.
and I make my way through the night by remembering.


Since I really can't sleep..I write to you.
Caleb is truely doing very well. His memory is getting better in small, but detectable increments. He has begun some volunteer work at the Library and commented to someone the other day who ran into him " I used to like that place"..but he goes very willingly and drives himself there, which boosts his pride. I am beginning to pull together a program where Caleb and other "disabled" young men can get together a couple of times a week..he desperately needs new friends.
I believe that what happens here- in this situation I find us in- is that after the initial shock wears off, and all of life seemingly goes back to normal, there is no longer a normal for me..or for the boys. We are making a new normal up as we go..but finding our footing is difficult. I bask in the fact that Caleb is alive, but truth be told, this is difficult at best. I appreciate his smile each morning, but I miss the old grin. I walk beside him and treasure, but my treasure is missing.
I don't know how other people have made it through this!
Not to worry about me..I am a tough old bird. I just cannot grow into my new skin and enjoy it. My heart is bursting with pain and I am so sad........and so tired of being sad.

Heart break

I have always known that I would die of heartache from about the time I was 20. When the doctors insist that I get checked for Breast lumps, I am certain that I will never experience that ...When I am asked politely for the third time to have a colonoscopy..I am incredulous..I know that I will need that never -but when I examine my marriage and realize how much I loved ...and was not loved back, I see that it is my heart that is in jeapordy........always was.

I believe it began with my father -the understanding that he understood me......and then I painfully realized that he did not.....or perhaps it was my the moment I recognized that my mother was more like me than I would ever want to believe that broke my heart....but I could not confess to her at that time, because she was long gone... I think we all know how it is that we will go..we know it with certainty......my heart will have one last sigh...and then it will give up on me, in spite of my wanting to linger...and it will join the unknown. I try not to worry all the way home.

Caleb continues to inspire.. he is so simplistic in his approach...... he continues to love as a poet, as a lover, or as a man who has lost everything and has to search for a new way....he follows his path...and I, like a little dog who is learning how to belong...I faithfully follow ....and learn as I go .

I was at the Market place today, standing in line behind a lovely woman and her adorable daughter...and the woman paying for
her goods. The little girl could not resist..she reached out and hugged...a big bear hug wrapped around the woman in front of her. The mother so quickly reprimanded her little girl...and bang..there it was...the beginning of closing her daughter down to her perfect instincts. I had just been conversing with the hugged woman moments before...she has gone through some serious troubles as of late; had gone on line, of all things to conjure up her own kidney transplant to save her own life, had suffered through a family members suicide, and was feeling very low to say the least. The little girl knew exactly what she was doing, her instincts; right on! No blame here...but we do tend to close ourselves down to pain...and teach our children to do the same , really without knowing it. I am no exception. I remember with shame, when a friend of mine could not shake depression, and I got to the point where I would simply not listen to her any longer. At what point is it that we decide that we must move on, perhaps in an attempt for self preservation, ... but only to find ourselves hardened and cold inside because we can no longer feel?
I walked past her, that little girl, leaned down, looked her in the eye, and told her how proud I was of her for hugging a complete stranger...and that my dears, is what you do for me. Thank you.

I'm feeling a bit like yeast lately...the kind you measure into a bowl and add warm water..the kind that is alive, growing, changing. Life now has taken on a different quality and along with the promise of fall comes the promise that we go on as well. We are different now..Kai, Max and I...and I am feeling deep into my soul where a certain understanding has moved over me ...like a cloud covering the sun for a bit....we cannot go back, we cannot go back. Forward is the only way now. I want Caleb back..I want to feel my heart lighten as he drives up the drive with clam baskets in hand and a smile in his heart. I do believe it takes this long ( or perhaps I am a slow learner) to realize in the depths of one's being that no matter what you do, no matter what you say, no matter how many promises to God you can make...your son is not coming back the way he was ...and I miss him terribly. Like a shadow, his memory pierces and floods over me even as the sun is out.
I have been busy trying to figure out a way in which Caleb can have a richer life. I will not always be here for him..his brother's need to have a separate life, his friends no longer exist but for a very few. I am devising a plan which will allow Caleb to live in his beloved Wellfeet, perhaps have other friends who are more like him living with him, and a freer existence from me. Things are changing..he now drives to the Library a couple of days a week, by himself..and works with a dear friend of mine in the childrens section of the building. But he is sad..wonders where everyone is, and is bewidered by his circumstances. Can any one thing crush a mother's heart more?
I have been contemplating Jan's choice and have known that for us..the remaining family, it is simply not an option, really never has been.....we must go on..we must perservere..we must find some semblance of justice in all of this.....we must find our way.
I realize that writing it out is the way for me to heal...so I thank you for following even when we are down, even when we are up, and even when we are like yeast..changing and growing...alive!

Adrift

The weary, exhuberant, exhilarated traverls have returned. We had a lovely time in Maine...no bugs to speak of, water view to die for, kayaking each day , many adventures including spotting bald eagles, Kai's shooting rapids, and the re-discovery of a old wooden fort tucked way into the woods that the boys had built and camped in long ago when they traved to deer isle with their dad...(well there were some bugs on that part of our adventure) It is a wonder to step back in time when there is no telvision to distract- only books, to begin each day with coffee and a sunrise, and the highlight of the day becomes time shared with one another over dinner.... or in my case the beating of my card shark Max for a consistent four days of rummy playing.
Our cabin was named Driftwood..and as my busy lifestyle drifted away, so did the thoughts drift in and out of my head. We have come so far, me and the boys since Caleb's accident.....as I watched them interact with their older brother, I witnessed miracles. Max, the manly kind of man who reaches out with a gentle, loving hand as Caleb teeters on the craggy rocks, Kai helping Caleb in and out of boats, and his undying patience when Caleb is crabby , tired and demanding, in spite of never knowing a Caleb who was ever this way before. We are learning to live and love differently. I sat in my kayak drifting on the waves, still, listening. In the farthest corner of my mind I heard a faint..... helloooo.... which sounded like it was drifting back over to me through present and past; through vast amounts of memory. It brought forth ripples of grief, dispair, sadness. It summond smiles and laughter and then again, tears. But like an old friend who is calling from afar, the faint at first, but perservering voice drowns out all fears, and meets us round the corner with a reminder of who it is we really are...soft, loving, prepared to take on the world with all of it's depth and despair. It is the soft hello of our mother when we first set forth our intentions ..to come forth into this world; not with the promise of pleasure and peace; but with the contrast which life gives us all.............and we move forward with desire.
We are home.

Summer has caught me up in it's tremendous sweep of energy...and we have been occupied....and very much so in a good way.
Caleb seems to have greater depth of understanding each day, and his memory does continue to improve. He can remember the things which were important to him in his past, but can just as easily forget that he just ate breakfast a minute ago...it is as if he chooses to not clutter his already cluttered brain with unnecessary information. I think he is brilliant! I have been giving myself permission to change, and to not feel guilty about Caleb's life ....a not so easy thing to do for mother's who love. I am now concentrating on losing the mashed potato weight from Caleb's hospital days,...so Caleb and I are walking, biking and eating better. It is funny to me that in times of stress, we often slip away from those things which can so easily make us feel better--exercise for one...solitude for another... a walk in the woods, a dip in the pond, holding hands and silently gazing at the stars.
I am carefully picking out of the day the things that I want to do
The boys and I have a trip to Maine scheduled for the 8th of this month, and will be staying at a seaside rustic cabin, where kayaks will be our only distraction, aside from just being together. I am beginning to slowly re-learn to appreciate life in all it's wondrous glory..with all of it's questions and all of it's answers, with all of it's surprises and all of it's certanties, with all of it's ups and all of it's downs.
I look forward to looking back on this phase of my life with a renewed desire for life, knowing that it was born out of such tragedy, and knowing that the contrast has caused me to grow to higher heights. We are moving forward, somtimes at a snails pace and sometimes with a blast...but either way, I am more, than not concentrating on what I have instead of what I do not, and I am finding my way.

If in the telling of our story, we change the direction of it, the outcome of it, and the truth of it...then this is mine.
A few years shall pass and I will wake one day to a new life. Caleb will be independent and living with new friends who are challenged as he still is..but they are rich and full lives non the less. Perhaps he even has a love interest who makes him laugh and feel full inside against all bitter odds that he would even be here. Kai and Max are settled, each with the love of their lives, women who perceive their struggles and walk strongly beside them, with understanding and compassion. I even see smiles on their faces as they traverse their own destinies knowing that they are strong and capable from all the lessons that Caleb has taught. And I smile up at the stars one evening after I have tucked my grandchildren into bed, and I speak softly to Jan that all is well now, he can be peaceful and no longer afraid for us, because a woman walks among us who is now mighty in her convictions. She has faced the darkness ...and now holds the light in her trembling hands of love.

So life goes on - it is amazing how when my mother passed away I remember saying to myself " Why are all these people smiling? Don't they know my mum just died?" And this is how it is with Caleb...life goes on, and suddenly, I am expected to run with the crowd in spite of all that has happened. And that is no-one's fault - just how it is. So here we are..adjusting, re- adjusting and dealing with life as it is, not as it was. I am finally seeing someone to help me through all of this, and in spite of my concerns, she reassures me that yes, I am depressed, but no more so than any normal person would be under these circumstances...which is always a great relief, and brings on a big sigh....Ok.. I am OK...and I am finding a new path to traverse, instead of the old one, which no longer fits who it is that I have become.
Caleb is worried that he will never get better- he knows the difference between who he was and who he is now, and it pains him, and me as well, this difference. His friends no longer respond to phone calls, and they no longer drop by...they too have moved on. And it bothers me too, to think that in the past it would have been Caleb who would take the time out of a busy day to stop by a friends house who was sick, or down for the count, or just depressed .... but no-one comes to him. Perhaps it is his cross to bear--
But, as I said, life goes on...and right now there is a big thunder storm raging in Fleet..and I am in my leopard robe...and I am going to sprint to the pond and watch the lightning,butt naked in the pond, and witness the beauty of creation, and the rightness of life and all that it holds for all of us....and perhaps just for a split second, like the flash of lighting, I can forget that my mother is dead..that Jan took his life, that Caleb suffers, and I can know that I have a chance to look at things differently---and that I have a choice to choose a better thought, instead of playing the tapes that run in my head over and over again....perhaps it will be just simply ...............all is right in the world, in all of it's perfection.

Caleb and Crew at the July 4th parade

Famous Fourth

There is a warmth in this day..a stillness in the air..the Leylands do not sway in the breeze, but stand tall and proud, as if to salute. Today feels like "our" day. I can only ponder the person I was in these moments before the 2007 parade as I sit with my coffee and my cat to look out over the gardens, and try to remember. She is gone...but in her place stands a woman...who today will brush her teeth..wash her face...put on her best party dress, her favorite shade of red..and walk into the streets of "Fleet" as proud and tall as those Leylands stand........and Caleb and Kai will walk together as pirates, and scare the children, and throw candy and laugh.. and at some point Caleb will pause to kiss his Grandma..he will spot Aunt Carol with a grin......shout out a " hey ya Mama" to me, and throw out the Fleet handshake to Max ....and then I will remember that it does not matter who I was before...... today... we all walk!

Happy Fourth of July my dear friends!

Why is it that we insist on clinging to pain? We as humans, have been given free choice......do you understand how powerful this is? We can choose,..... and still, we insist on looking towards the pain instead of looking toward relief. We hug the hot kettle to ourselves so tightly!
I , once again climbed into bed next to Caleb the other night to tuck him in, and relayed how sorry I was that his life took on such a twist....and he looked at me with this incredulous look. His response......
" Why? , I am alive and I'm fine!"
So, It is me who holds us in a painful spot, a gilded cage of pain. I cannot let loose the bird who bekons forth freedom, who resides inside. He is my perfect gift...he attempts to teach me to let go and let live.
The drum roll of life is beginning to be heard in the backdrop of my head.....I feel a new chapter about to be written, and Caleb Kai and Max are the rich charachters who don the pages of my life, and keep me flipping the paper to get to the next tale. Like all of us fairytale people who walk this brief walk of life, I am insisting on a happy ending.

This was the way the stars fell when I first arrived. Father's day on Sunday, and then Me. The greatest gifts I have ever received in my lifetime, have been the spared life of Caleb, the continued, healthy lives of my other two boys ( well three, counting Timmy) , and the gift of loyal and loving friendship that I have received from all of you.
Life's path has taken me down a road I would wish on no other....but it has never been dull.
My emotions are so up and down and all around...but I am never tired.
Life has knocked me down a few times, but I am still in the ring.
In spite of all that has happened, I still catch myself stopping by a stream, admiring the beauty of a petal, pausing to watch a little girl in a party dress blow bubbles, listening for my father's voice in the wind....... knowing that my mother is still watching over me.

I keep looking for the thief who slid by my side, brushed my thigh and took what I knew was mine. But the human spirit, no matter what, always tries to right a wrong, tries to hit it right, and I am sufacing. Days fall back into dark velvet, painful nights ...but days still come...days still come, one after another, with a promise of yet better days to come. I am fine. Happy, in spite of all that has occured, and am fighting my way back to whatever it is that I will find.. I will land feet planted firmly in the soil, the rich earth that has sustained me from childhood, till now, and I will figure all of this out... God help me, I will figure this all out!

I sit alone most nights now, I polish off a bottle of wine and think about the past when all was good..I know that I should be happy that Caleb is alive, but I miss the old him so much..I cry myself to sleep and wake at 2 am till about 5. I remind myself, to no avail, that things could be worse....but I do not feel that the way I should.
I met a new aquaintance today at he swap with her beautiful, in tact son, and I was embarrassed to introduce Caleb, who before I would have delighted in..and would have been so proud of...and now, all I feel is lack! I think the newness of all of this is wearing off, and the stark truth is setteling in..and I am sad beyong belief! Do not instuct me to be counciled, I am beyond this... I will not check out - but I will feel this grief beyond measure, and hopefully, I will emerge a better, stronger person...It is all we could ever ask for...just to be stronger!

Trying to fit into my new world where old friends look at me with suspicious eyes and wonder why I am not spending my few moments free with them, instead of with seeminly stangers, is difficult at best......but while at MGH I read a wonderful little book written by Emily Post-- The book on grieving.. which focused on manners for the persons close to someone who had suffered loss..and I found myself fasinated with the subject ...
In many ways, we as a family feel we are grieving over the loss of someone we once knew - Caleb- still alive, but so very different from the boy we recognized heart to heart., eye to eye....the very same way our friends knew and recognized him. Our new friends only know him as he is now, and somehow this is a release, a comfort. No-one expects anything out of him who did not know him before, what they see--- is what they get! Emily wrote that friends will know that they may fall by the way side for awhile, we do not only not recognize Caleb, but we do not recognize our friends as well...we are now changed persons - our lives have transformed . Please forgive us -we still love all of you.

Today would have been Jan's 58th birthday..and as I tip a glass of wine to my lips in celelbration of his birth, his life, I want to impress on you the idea that once we are gone, we are gone. It is different now without him walking the face of this Earth. He is still with us, but not as plausable . I say why not live bigger than life while you are still here- what in Earth holds us back from becoming all that we should/ could be? Death.. whenever it comes, and however it happens,from this standpoint of view, is so very final.. Laugh, love, live, be still, be true, and love yourself...each of us is all that we are have! Be unique - stand out, be alive, be just who you are - it is the greatest gift you can give yourself...and in truth, the best gift you could ever offer up to someone else!

Thank you all for responding to Caleb - he gets such a kick out of it. My arm is still frozen, although surgery went well...but with this therapy that I am involved with - lt should come back with time. It occurs to me while I am whinning to myself about my arm that all I want is to be well..and then I think about Caleb and it shuts me right up. He is remarkable in his approach..he just says, " I'm getting better" and leaves it at that!

His birthday is tomorrow and many of us will be paddling the crocodile nile ( as my boys always refered to the Pamet river ) out to the gut and then home for cake and ice cream. If you have the energy, a belated birthday card would be appreciated .....
45 sapokonish wellfleet Ma 02667 ..or just send him a greeting on his blog- he is now an avid reader. Be well, as we are. S

Hello All of you GOOD friends out there in this fine planet EARTH...!!! Thank all of you people for reading about me so far!!!!! SOOO lets see !!!!.....how am I doing now??? Not toooo bad these beautiful days...Still a tiny bit messed up with one blind eye...and one deaf ear.....Gosh Darn it....can't wait until the good ole..HEALTHINESS comes back around and gives me it's good old health gift....Ohhhh Yeahhh can't wait for that gift to happen,,,,Soooo hurry up great health and please kick my butt until it makes me nice and healthy again....Sooo Ohhhh Yeahhh bring it onnnn Pretty please!!!!!! I'm waiting!!!!! SOooo besides the crappy sick part of my life the rest or the other part is truely a great fun time hangin out with my truely fun and exciting mother and brothers....Ohhh Yeah not even joking around at all !! They are really fun and amazing to hang around with day by day....SOOO All I've got to say is how awefully excited and happy I am to notice the wonderful family members that I belong to...!!! SO Thank You GOOD ole Lord GOD for picking such a wonderfull family for me to grow up in!!! OHHHH YEAHHHHH!!!!!!! Thank All Of you People out there who enjoy reading this stuff !!! I definetly enjoy all of you people reading and then writing back to meeee!!!! SOOO keep it up....THANK YOU !!!! and write me more if anybody has the time....Otherwise reading works Toooo Sooo....Thank Alll Of You AGAIN And AGAIN !!!!! LOVE ME ...CALEB

We were in a bar in some dark and dusty corner of Costa Rica the year Timmy traveled with us. Caleb and I sat across from one another in a booth and I commented on the aquarium above us with ribbons and signs all over it. Seems it held the champion crab - the kind which carries his house on his back . hermit perhaps? He apparently held the record for winning every race on the bar top each Saturday night for the prior 3 years pitted against other crabs and lots of drunken dollars at stake. I commented on how he could probably smell his home each time the bar doors swung open. The ocean was only a beer bottle throw away. He crawled back and forth, and back and forth through his cage, pacing his remembrance of the steps to the seashore and it was menacing to try to enjoy the evening without noticing his frustration. When we left I caught a glimpse of Caleb fumbling in his pocket with a slight smile of guilt and glee, and what should emerge from that pocket- but the winning crab! We ran to the shore and set him free. A more delightful moment, I cannot remember.
I want to thank you for being with me, for noticing the pacing, the discomfort, the trapped feelings, and the frustration. For you have single handedly lifted me out of my cage with your kind words, your thoughts, your prayers and your hopes, and you have walked me back home ...just because you paid attention.
Paying attention seems like such a small thing..but in the big picture, paying attention is larger than life. Simply noticing is an act of faith. It says " I believe that you may feel trapped now in your situation, and darkness threatens to swallow you, but something, or someone will come along, and you will be set free....and I believe you are capable of walking away with the darkness at your back, and that the place of comfort that each of us calls home will eventually be right in front of you with her doors wide open"

I have surgery tomorrow, so if I don't get back right away - just trust, as you always do... that we are fine." Oh yes - and did i mention that Caleb got his drivers license?

I have recently connected with a woman in town for whom I have admired from afar for quite some time. She has terminal cancer and walks the walk towards the ending of her story with dignity and grace. She is a very brave soul and I now admire her from close up and adore her for her strength. This process has started me to thinking about what it is that we take with us and what it is that we leave behind when we part form this Earth. I spent so many years thinking about how people were thinking about me. Now I realize that all we take with us is what it is that we think about ourselves. Have we walked our walk with courage and kindness? Are we proud of ourselves - not for our accomplishments, but for the beat of a heart that says" I am." Have we looked deeply into our own eyes and spoke back the words..I am proud to be me? It is all we have- it is all we leave with.
What we leave behind are the people whose lives we have touched. That is our legacy..that is how we continue on.
I just realized that everything that exists in this world began at one point with a simple thought born out of someone. I am now thinking more about who it is that I want to be to those who walk this walk with me. I am thinking more about who it is that I want to be when I take my final walk. Change your thought and you change yourself.
My brave friend has touched me in ways she may never know..but I know and I am happy to have the chance to pass on her story, her dignity and her grace to others.

I am learning to love and cherish those things which seem impossible. Now that Jan is gone, and Caleb too, as we knew him, I am realizing the importance of thinking bigger about our individual lives....perhaps trying to get it "right" this time around, instead of hoping that we have another chance somewhere down the line. We have only the moment we are presently in. The past is just that; past... and the future is so uncertain. So for me...I am concentrating on what it is that makes me happy, for that is the barometer which meters our emotions..and if we are off kilter, and not happy, no matter what our individual circumstances might be, then we need to re-think our position...and joy ourselves to joy. What are we waiting for anyways? Happiness seems illusive, impossible to me right now - but I am learning to love what seems impossible . I am going to give it a whirl - come join me?

No- I am not finished here- just got slamp dunked by spring. Kai is basically running the show for me so that I can be with Caleb, but there are always a million and one things to do to keep the projects running smoothly, and I am the girl for that job!
We are holding up well..it is surgery on the horizon for my arm ( remember the fall in Jan?) I tore a ligiment..no wonder it is still in pain. Caleb has passed his test which is required by the state to see if he can take a drivers test and get back on the road. We are re-building the barn so that he can live independently in the fall, the house is in need of better windows which go in this May, ---so see what I mean by projects up the wazoo! Life is marching forward. We still find that we as a unit get sad and miss our Caleb and our "before" life. It is an empty glass of wine and a blanket tossed bed that I wake to each morning. Night time is daunting..but each morning when Caleb greets me with his "mornin mama" I praise the powers that be, fold my hands together and recite a thank you that clears the clouds above. We each get to choose how we will spend the day - in sorrow or in joy...and we are lookin to the joy side with a smile on our faces!

So what is it that the Universe has called upon us as a family to become as a result of Caleb's accident? I believe that she never gives one person a lesson when she can affect 3, maybe 4 people...so she bunches us together as friends and enemies ( who are really our angels because they force us to become more than we could ever allow ourselves to be without them) and she delivers a powerful commandment...go forth and become who it is that you were meant to be...who it is that you already decided on another level- that it is that you want to become. So efficient she is!

For Jan I would say that he was meant to understand love for himself in a way that he never allowed in..for Max, to give up his self destructive tendencies and to listen to the pure music that plays in his soul...so beautiful! For Kai to follow his passions and to never again belittle himself because he is such a big person...more than he could ever know,and for me to find herself, even at this seemingly late date...and to experience forgiveness.
I have turned a corner as of late...I have spoken these words to Caleb, and I share them with you ....I hold you, dear one in my heart forever, but I must live my life now, and with that comes the faith, the trust, that you too are doing the same. You are my teacher. I stare into the eyes of the vibrant being of you before the accident, and I realize that you continue to affect people even in your reduced state more than anyone I have ever encountered. I hold you tenderly in my arms, but more so, I hold you in my being...for you have walked me down a new path..and have shown me a new way to love. My heart has opened and I love you now more that ever before, because you demonstrate what life should be.

Hellllllooooo Tooo every-one who read my writings and decided to write me back!!!!
SOOOO OHHH YEAHHHH .....thank you THANK You ...THANK YOU to everyone who took the time to write me a wonderfully nice little message!!! SOOO OHH yeahhhh!!! THIS Is only the 2nd time ever that I Have been on this web site SOO it Is taking me a little toooooo long to write down my blog answers...but lets all just forget about that one for now....OKAY-DOKAYYYY !!!!! Well lets see here Winter time is finally changed over to a nice warmer Spring time thank god....because winter was really kind of nasty wet and freezing cold...and I couldn't wait until the warmer weather was here.....AND now it isssss SOOOO YIPPPPPIEEE F'ing AAAAAA!!! I AM done being cold...I'd rather the nice warm weather....Soooo Bring it on Nice new season...BRING IT ONNNNN!!!!!!! YIPPIEEEE NICE New Weather is what I'm AllS about ...Sooo COME on world weather....Bring It ONNNNN!!!!

from Caleb himself!

HELLOOOOO!!!! Helllloooooo..!! to all of you nice people out there in this magnificant world......So people,,,I don't really get it!! Why there are so many of you out there reading about my boring little life !!! BUT thanks anyways....keep it up because I really love all of you people out there in this fine looking world....SOOOO Ohhh Yeahhh!!!! keep on writing more and more and I will also Write back as soon as possible...SOOOO ALLL Of my amazing friends thank all of you sooo very much and keep it up If you want tooo... well well....goodbye for now all of my computer friends
LOVE ME CALEB!!!!

Dusty Finch

As you will remember, Gracie was Caleb's first girlfriend. She is a young lady of substance and as her name depicts; grace. Her mother, Dusty; an Earth mother..kind, generous,loving and fun.
As a mother who's son was now intertwined with a new family, I found myself harboring new fears...would they like him, be kind to him, accept him? Dusty and Caleb became fast friends. A week ago Dusty handed over a note to her Grace that Caleb had written to her years ago..she had saved it all this time.
I was always grateful for her..that she could see in Caleb what I could see, and comforted that he had an extended family who's kindness had no bounds.
I remember the day Dusty walked into her big beautiful yard with giant oaks towering above, tucking us under their leaves to keep us from the burning sun. She held a wooden bowl as big as a bushel basket and was stirring her latest concoction - rice crispy treats as she announced to all that she didn't have time to press them into a pan..we could just ball them up with our hands and eat them as is! That to me was her spirit..take me as I am, no pretension, and always with a hint of mischief.

Now there are days when I can still get to feeling pretty sorry for myself over our situation with Caleb, but I am trying to remember that we are not alone. Life can be tricky sometimes; forcing us to grow in ways we don't feel ready for or well equipped for. There are joyous days and very sad days...the roller coaster of life that lifts us high and dumps us down. I cherish the up days..the days of eating rice crispy treats, the days of peace and calm, the days of love and laughter, the sharing of our journey with the people who treat us kindly..like the Dusty Finch's of the world..... who passed away yesterday.
Grace still has the note, and I will always have the memories.

April fools day

Hard to believe that one year has gone by since riding in the car and getting the phone call about Jan!
April fools day was a special day to us when Jan and I were married. Actually before we were married and shacking up together..I pulled the usual tricks on him..tied shoes, celephane on the toilets, rubber band around the rinser at the kitchen sink. I called a truce by pulling him in close and kissing him with both hands on either side of his face. What he did not know was that I had soaked my palms with green food coloring, donned some gloves immediately, drove to the light house restaurant and watched with delight as people stared at him and poked fun while he struggled with what had gone wrong. Another year he retaliated by planting a full water balloon in the fridge, bulging with the expectancy of spilling at my feet. However I opened and closed the door to get the cream for my coffee so quickly that the balloon remained....perched in emergency. When finally I re-opened ...the balloon fell softly, bouncing several times on the floor, rolled to Jan.....He picked it up..hucked it at me, where upon I caught it and threw it back bursting at the seams and soaking his exhausted attempts. Those were the days of love and laughter.
That was the energy that created three sons.
Caleb still asks for his dad, and I still struggle, like the balloon, in the telling of the tale.

On this day...To my sons I would like to say...all of our life comes to us in narrative form; it's the story we tell. Change the story and you change your life. Do not tell the story of how hurt you are that he is gone, but instead speak of how much you have learned from him. Do not speak of how you cringe when someone else speaks of their father, but cherish and proudly shout out about who he was to you in the short time you shared his life. Tell the tale of how he affected you in positive ways ...speak of his kindness and of his energy. Speak of his stregth, that is now inherently yours. Like inscense and the past tense, he is gone..and yet he remains in you in so many ways. Hear him in the wind, ride upon his strong shoulder when you crest a wave, hear his pounding heart with the rhythm of your hammer. He remains..he remains...always in love with you as I witnessed in his eyes when he first held you. It would be one of the few moments where he let down his guard and loved fully. Change your story about your father..be proud and hold your heads up high knowing that you took from him all of his best attributes, all of his qualities that will be remembered. He lives on in you. Be mindful..and remember his goodness...you too are loved just as well. Take the wondrousness of it all to a place you can call home.. And I too will chersih him for you. Your mother.

I attended a concert tonight with Caleb and as I was leaving, a friend of mine shouted down from the balcony, which made me look up instead of down to where I was going and I totally missed the stairs which were smack dab in in front of me. I was in high heels (of course) and I danced my way down - missing two..maybe three stairs at a time...contorting this way and that...never twisting an ankle, and I almost ate shit at the bottom, but by the grace of God, I instead crashed into a closed door, composed myself as best I could, and turned around to see a smiling Caleb watching me still from the top of the stairs.
It was in that moment that I realized that I was laughing.......I had struggled myself to joy!
After all this time, it was a realization that you may find silly - but I recognized tonight that Caleb would not want me to be so sad. He, as he was tonight , was laughing right along with me..witnessing the spectacle I had made of myself, and was enjoying the simple joy of joy!
How could I have missed this?- of all the people in the world, Caleb always knew how to laugh at himself, and at others in a way that would allow them to find the humor in any situation!

I am going to bed now..and tomorrow I am going to laugh a whole hell of alot more!

Oh heavy, heavy heart. A brave and respected woman I know has decided that rather than stay on life support and put her kids through hell, she will instead choose death! I sat with her this afternoon..her veil thinned blue skin radiating under duress, her strength shouting through her eyes, her determination lit up by the heavens. Her children close by, sitting , waiting, expecting, hurting. I realized that it took such pin point precision courage for Caleb to fight his way back to life, and tonight I lay witness to a woman with the same courage; choosing death. I saw her study her children's faces, one by one,as if to memorize them, I saw her smile ever so tenderly as each of their eyes met hers. I watched as she spoke to them in whispers of no words.

I walked away from her room a forever changed person.

A life interrupted. I went for about 4 or 5 years without my feet on the ground following my divorce, and now I am on year one and 3/4 with 3 more years to go with Caleb's accident - perhaps more, perhaps less. It seems daunting at times..and as if the years are fliiping over like calendar pages at others.
Someone said to me the other day in the most kind manner " I have never known anyone so unlucky" But I say that some of us choose our paths and are all the more daring for it......and I think the whole Potter/ Lindsay clan has taken this event on..because we can! What lessons we will learn from this! Yes this tears me apart and threatens in the middle of the night to devour me whole...but for the most part, I am emerging as if from a cocoon..... at first beaten and battered, wet and tired, hardly the material to write home about........ and then when I feel I cannot go on again, I open my eyes and I find I am armed with the most delicate wings with which to fly!
We are moving forward, if ever so slightly.

hello mum- good to hear some news from home. I'm glad the bowling goes on and I am so happy that Max is having fun and that he has Lara to keep him excited and interested.
so- I think we have an idea of what's to happen. We go back to Bali tomorrow morn. We will extend our visas 30 days, but Shaye and I will return on the 25th of March or so. I would like to be home for the 1st. One year has gone so fast. We are well, $ are holding up, I am surfing well and having fun. We will set out on our own to Sumatera as soon as we can get out of Bali. I miss you very much and hope you are really ok. I think often of how close you and I are, but also that in recent times, we have been unable to really get into it; we skim across the icy surface, distributing our weight as to avoid breaking through the fragile layer that serarates us from an entire frozen sea of pain. But I would like to break through with you, because we both need to and I am sure, because I trust you fully, that we can pull one another back out. We have to fall through sometime, and better together; alone.. I dont know I would find my way back up.
I love you, respect you and admire you more than you could ever understand. if you were aware of how profoundly you have shaped my life and given me the tools required to extract meaning and happyness from this often heartless life, you should be proud of yourself as a mother and a friend indeed.
I love you. be well, tell caleb I say hi and I love him and miss him. I will write him an email once back in bali. love you both. kai

Dearest Kai and Max,
I want to speak to you from the heart. I have been experiencing great sadness surrounding all of what has come to pass in our lives. I have been sad that Caleb is lost to us as he once was, and I know this breaks your hearts as well. I can see it in your eyes when you look at him. I am sad that your father chose to leave us when we needed him the most. I sense this loss in your souls when someone speaks his name. I am sad that we will forever be changed. Caleb is very alone now on his journey.... he struggles daily to regain some sense of what has happened to him and why he is the way he is today. He prays each night that he will see again out of his left eye and will hear again out of his right ear. He is sad as well. In his saddness I see his determination and his fight. He is a warrior of the strongest kind because he is full of love. That is what defined him prior to his accident and defines him now in his healing. He is and always will be full of love.
The inevitable has happened.. most of his friends have stepped away, and this is said not with blame or guilt attached to it, but just with more tears as I know how much people, his friends in particular, have meant to him. I have learned something from this. Caleb always put everyone first - even before himself as you know...much like your father did....and now (for the most part) he stands alone . I have learned that putting yourself and your happiness first is the most important thing you can do in your lifetime...follow your bliss. No-one else knows what is best for you...but you do! Because of this trajedy I want more specifically, almost with a certain urgency, to impart on you the idea of following your heart ..against all odds and against convention. Bliss guides you and tells you when you are on the right track. Your emotions back that up. I want to know that you will try to generate different feelings from this day forward, because by doing so you will make everything right that has been wronged.
Be the creator, the generator of your life. Find something in all of this that makes sense and heals you......and know in your hearts that I will forever be at your backs!

What is it I am made of? I hurt like old worn shoes..but I am still here, living and loving every day. At night I still find time to cry into downy feathers with a storm in my heart, but in the day I often laugh, and in spite of myself, I still see joy wherever I look. Babie's eyes connect in passing, as if we share a secret or two - and I send them off with a blessing of long life, no harm! Wonderful friends, old and new, approach with kind words or warm hugs. People I never would have met, had it not been for Caleb, are now cememnted in my life, and together they help to rebuild me , to piece me together like the scarecrow in the "Wizard". I am grateful for each day that Caleb and I stroll the streets of Wellfleet, arc over the avenues of life and meander through the meadows of our minds . I am learning so much from this journey..how to be grateful, how to be forgiving, how to look at things with a fresh outlook, not to sweat the little things. It is so dificult to not look back, to not yearn for my "lost Boy". It takes every ounce of energy I have each day to stay focused on what is, rather than what is not, or what could be... I miss him so very much...I bleed sometimes from the loneliness of him..These feeling are like verbs..they create action in my system and pain me. But I crawl out of the shawdows into the daylight and I feel that I must trust in the unknown,in the mysteries of life. What is it I am made of? I hope it is of dreams lost and then dreams found.

I was on my way home to Ohio for a visit with Jan and the boys, and called home somewhere in Pennsylvania to update my arrival time, only to find that my mother was dying. She had suufered from diabeties related diseases for some time and this was her final hurrah. I was a young mother, not fully equipped to be without her at that time. The thing that I remeber most about her as I stood by her bed were the sounds she made, so similar to the sounds Anne had chorased at Sky's homebirth where I stood like a sentry with Cedar by my side. So death's sounds were a rebirthing . After the shock of her death and after I rolled into acceptance of it, I too had a rebirthing of sorts. My mother and I had suffered through a difficult ( at best) relationship. After a year or so had gone by, I actually realized that I was free in a way that I never had been while she was alive. Free to be me. Now please don't get me wrong..I do not think it was mother who limited me, but myself. I could have been brave enough to break through the barriers of who she expected me to be ( or who I thought she expected me to be) but I wasn't. So I had finally woken to the realization that I could be just the woman I wanted to be...and the debilitating beliefs I held about myself could die with her.
I now am looking forward to yet another birth - that of Kai, Max and myself. We must find a way to find acceptance with who it is that the Universe has called forth for Caleb to be..and all of us along with him. I do not get to go through a single day without heartbreak, nor a single night without nightmares, but I also do not get to pass through the day without opportunities to grow and to love and to choose differently for myself. The sun is out and I am filled with the warmth of possibilities..that I might become a forgiving, kind heart; that I might finally learn to love myself more; that I might reach for the best possible thought when the choice are vast and temptation rears; that I might discover my reason for being and laugh with all the tenderness and abandon of someone who has followed the path that was intended for them. That I might be as helpless as a newborn whose eyes scan the suroundings for the very first time and think " bring it on!"

Much like an animal, Caleb lives in the present. When I am present and in the moment, I too do very well..it is when I vassilate between past and future that I get into trouble. I have not written in a while, and thank you for noticing, because at times even I become fatigued with my dribbling on and on about sadness and confusion and life and I get sick to death of hearing myself...so how could you not was my reasoning? Thanks for not ditching me!
Max has gone to Costa as of last evening to see his sweet Lara, and now Caleb and I remain on the homefront..me a bit disheveled and uncertain, and Caleb a bit bored without the constant coming and goings of his entorage. I have been particularly pensive about my life lately...it's as tho life is force feeding me stillness- not something I have ever done well. Caleb's accident brought life as I knew it to a grinding halt, Jan's suicide caused me to stop and ponder all that I thought was real, and a simple thing like my injured arm has made me focus on my caregiving since I can't possible run around and "do" all the things I do to keep me busy and totally preoccupied so that I don't have to think about things that I don't wish to think about. . So in my stillness I scrutinize all I have done in my life which I regret, and all the things I have loved, for which I have no regrets, and all the hopes I have for the future, where I hope regrets will pack up and mosey on by.
I am on the waxing end of life now - I don't know where or when exactly that that turn of events transpired...from a young girl full of promise and hopes, to a young woman raising children to where I am now, but I know now that I am looking at my mortallity in a way that I never have bothered with before. I watch the moon hovering above and realize that I too have cast shawdows that have kept out the light. I am illuminated by all that I have learned in the course of my years...and I am encouraged by all that I did not do well, because it humbles me and makes me human.
And I take great comfort in knowing it is the same moon that shines down on all of us.

Every family has it's own sounds; makes it's own music. When I walk into Anne's it is the sound of folk music seasoning the greens frying in the cast iron kettle. Wooden floor boards strain under the feet and a trilogy of cats purr out a melody, while tea cups collide.
In my house it is the sound of coffe pouring and crakling fires, that is if they can be heard over Etta James or Ween belting from the sterio. The clock announces each minute and then barks out on the hour as if I need to be reminded of how time flys. The funace burns out a tune each time it fires up and Caleb wakes and begins to blow at his mobile's above, while Spud announces company and the cat whines for food.
Caleb and I share the house now. It is just the two of us and I laugh at the sounds we make. Like a little ole couple who are wrinkled with time and know eachother well......we sing a familiar tune. The skuffle of his slippers, the comforting breathes from his room, his good morning chime, the complaining when dinner is late, the softness in his voice when he is sad..........
accompanied by the clucking of a mother, the urging in a voice, the bewildered sounds of not knowing what to do to make things better, the amped up anger that spills in the middle of the night when she is sad.
What lies ahead for us?
It is said that most of us go to the grave without knowing our own music.... So if by some chance Caleb lived his first 26 years fully and has now chosen a different path, a path which bonds Kai and Max and I eternally and makes us question everything we ever knew.....
And if by some chance we have been thrown into a world of new desires which forces us to grow new skin and causes us to shed our old thoughts of how things are....
Then by some chance we will lean to compose a new kind of music and delight in one another....just as we are.

Bargaining with God is tough and too labor intensive for me to keep up much longer. You know the kind of talk ...it goes something like this ..." I promise to do.... if only you will give me ". On a conscious level, I would say that I never plea bargain, but I do catch myself time and time again asking for the clock of time to turn back, for the screen door not to slam shut behind me, closing out all that I had before as I beg for one final chance to change this whole mess around. It is unbearable to realize that my life has changed as I knew it. It is hard to know that my conversations with Caleb will never be what they were before. It is hard to imagine that he is gone in that way. To me he was the purest distillation. He was my comfort and my peace...he stood for all that was innocent and new...he was my little red wagon.
We are moving forward and I am keeping my eyes opened for possibilities of healing. We are doing the very best we can under the circumstances which we have been given. Like it? Not one bit..but bear it, we do!
It's amusing to think that we can be brave when we are so frightened, confident when we are weak, smiling when we are crushed. I think that this is what this is all about for us--life has changed dramaticallly, we don't know which end is up as we tumble through the gauntlet of emotions each day that threaten to beat us down...and all the while we fight to regain our stability.
Life sometimes wears very little lipstick!

An e-mail from Kai...
Hello mum.
Finally just got your email. I've just come from 3 hrs of surfing a big, clean fun wave and am salty and crusty. I am doing well and enjoying my time- but still all I think of is home and caleb and all of us- as if it would be wrong for me not to do so. And this is ok- beacause I will think of it no matter where I am. This is not a bad thing- to think- I have some distance and perhaps, hopefully, some new perspective. It was so good to talk to Caleb last night (a.m. for you). He sounded really good, clear and spoke more fluidly than the last time I spoke with him. He said, "I sound better than I really am"- that saddened me. It all does. There is no escape form it- I did not come here to run from it, but to examine it all. I am well. We are getting good surf and everyone is getting along well. I love you and miss you. Heal up. Talk to you soon.

Caleb. I love to hear your voice over the phone because I miss it- waking me up in the morning or asking where your dinner is at night. All I can think of when I am here is having you here with me and how much fun we would have. I see you in so many places here. I sometimes have a hard time when I'm talking to people because the things they say seem so fake and unimportant. You never wasted words- even when you were joking around and I always love talking with you. When you are feeling better and more healed- we will come to some warm place and swim in some clear green water. Caleb- I have always felt closer to you than any other living thing. I felt I could tell you anything- without even saying a word you would understand me. Like I told you the other morning, it breaks my heart a thousand times every day when I think of you getting hurt, and the struggle that you face every day- just to get through the day. I am amazed at how strongly you turn into the storm winds that rage against you- head on and pushing farther and farther with each step. Caleb, you were hurt so badly that parts of you were taken from you- and I miss those parts so deeply- but I love you and and as I promised in the hospital- I will always be your little brother and I swear to help you with anything you need for the rest of our lives. I will always help you heal in anyway I can. I love you. Your little brother Kai.

We are coming along fine. Caleb is holding on to the thought that Kai is in Bali..that is new to him, to be able to remember from one day to the next. He is still busy with his traditional healings and unconventional healings as well. Gym two times per week, walking everyday, we will begin swimming in a week or so, yoga and massage plus acupuncture are his regulars. Game night continues on Wed. He has been asked to practice with the world music ensemble once a week..he drums...I listen.
He had a re-birthing last week and when asked to give his consent after describing what we were going to do....mimicking the moments right after he came into the world....Caleb paused and then said " there's no way I'm gonna get naked." So he is cracking us up as well as "doin his thing."

Kai is calling almost every three days..he is missing his brother and we are working on his letting go of guilt for being away...It doesn't help that Caleb always says " lucky bastard" to Kai each time he calls, but oh well. They are finally getting some epic waves so that should help him forget about us for awhile.

Max is busy readying the apt. for his move which should be in about a week or so. After so long a time, life is beginning to feel almost downright normal for a change.

Acceptance is in the air, tucked in the corner of a smile, in the blue of a twinkling eye, in the beating of a heart. My heart is softer now, not so pained all the time. We have rounded a corner. Life has thrown this dasterdly bump in the road and we went flinging off into the ditch for a bit... but now we are up, having dusted off our skin and have discovered that all the bruses and bleedings have only made us stronger. We are determined to be the best damned family we can be and to do one turn better-- to be happy.

The first fire was at Otto McGrady's. The next one burned down Harold and Marion's barn just a pace down the road. It was thought that arsonist's had started them, but in Ohio it could just have easily been one of those blaring lightning bolts that hit often and offensively. As a kid, my father would gather us all into the old heap of a car and off we would go to see if we could be of any help, and for what I suspected was more about watching a thing of terror and a thing beauty similtaneously. Fire.

I have a love of fire that stems from those barn burnings. I am drawn like a clock is to time. Once the boys told me when they were in gradeschool the sirens went off a blazing and fire engines pulled out of the station in what promised to be a grand fire somewhere. The kids just turned to mine in the playground and said " oh it's probably just your ma with her brush fire." It has been a long standing understanding that when I "pass" the boys are to toss me on top of our burn pile. By the time the engines arrive I will be just a pile of thoughts.

I get this love of fire from my mother, no doubt, who set an entire field on fire" burnin" the trash on a windy day and I watched in horror as my eyelashes floated down onto my writing paper like fine ashes the day after I battled yet another field fire with my brother and sisters. We would grab empty feed bags to beat out the flames. The flames often won.

The fire burns now in the stove as I sit with Caleb and read to him and with the very same intention set forth as a burning fire ...I set my intention for him. To sweep forward without looking back with regret over what is lost.

I know that "they " say that bad luck runs in threes..and tho I don't like to think of myself as a believer of hocus pokus...that thought...it has danced in my head. So now that I have a little bent-up left arm in a sling like a little broken birdy wing...I feel happier knowing we have hit that lucky number. Perhaps we can rest easy. I found myself face up within seconds of hitting an ice patch and staring up into Caleb's face who looked slightly bemused and bewildered with my state. .....lying flat on my back, writhing in pain.
Now I know that you will think me certifiable crazy, but I am glad that I pulled a ligament and that I suffered through the night. It has had a profound effect on me...First it has made me even more compassionate about what all Caleb has gone through to get to where he is today...and secondly, and perhaps more importantly, it has allowed to help me stop beating myself up over the why's. Why did Caleb fall off that skateboard..why when he was so sure footed ? As I was falling it was like trying to catch smoke..nothing to grab onto.....and down I went with no other choice but to plummet, and now I know that he too must have experienced that feeling..and I get it.
My friend Anne and I have been discussing pain in our collective lives and pain that we see in others..and we were talking about how all of us have a choice each and every day to choose to be happy or not - no matter what the circumstances....almost in spite of the circumstances.
So just for today I am going to rub my little broken wing and treat it tenderly and bless it for giving me another chance to choose .

missing him

The saliva swirls around the chocolate nut piece I just flipped into my mouth as I mull and ruminate. Kai has contacted me and is safely in Bali and on his way to Sumatra Surf heaven. I miss him and worry about him, especially when he tells me that in every sunset he sees Caleb's face and is having a hard time letting go. I remind him to stay the course and be strong, all the while that I remember that it is the largest tree that falls the hardest. I am trying to guide him in a way that I am totally uncertain of myself. Like the river, we are swollen with high expectations of where Caleb can go, yet at the same time we see fractured light, as the reality of who he is settles in.
This family is just a group of ordinary people trying to do the best we can in tough times and our compassion grows as our lives slip into what feels like a new dress which does not quite fit. It is flimsy and uncomfortable.
Caleb is improving..and as I said I am ever so hopeful for him...but I miss him. I miss his laugh, his smile, his fresh and funny outlook on life, his tenderness. I miss our interactions and I miss the skip of my heart as I watch his truck drive into the drive, knowing that we were always in for a surprise. He was quirky and comfortable.
There is a blown up picture of him which sits in front of my computer and as I gaze into his eyes and I fall into his smile I remember......
His half moon face, his slightly crooked teeth, his 5'o'clock shadow , his piercings up and down the ear...but mostly I remember the warmth, the kindness and his love. I was fortunate to have this love and like a true gift he gave it with no expectation. Late at night I still call his cell phone to listen to him speak to me, even if only for a second, in the voice I remember as Caleb. We struggle forward and slip backwards and inch toward a new day.
Please know that I am grateful, please know that I am glad he still remains, please know I am pleased that all of you are with us.......and please understand that I miss him with all my heart.

Kai to Bali

When you have loved... and then lost, two very distinct things happen...at least for me it has been so. You learn to love a bit harder...but the letting go becomes harder as well. It is 4 a.m. and we just opened the door and watched Kai walk away, back pack slung over the shoulder and the more important board bag in hand. ..... In the past that simple move would have been full of excited anticipation and high hopes...now it is mixed in with a large dose of fear. When you have loved and then lost it is to be expected I suppose. In a way the rawness is good , in a way it is just raw. I don't take for granted any longer that Kai will go away and come back to us..or come back at all. I hate this fear hanging around my neck like a dead weight...,it threatens to pull me down and I resist while it persists. And it remains.
Kai knows this feeling too...and as he hugs me goodbye, we lock eyes and ever so swiftly and I read all the pain in them and the concern and the wishing and the hopes.
He has hugged Max upstairs. Lizzie and I stand together... ..we know this drill well...and Caleb has dragged himself out of bed to exclaim "You lucky bastard" and to make us all laugh as he would have always done...so the scene emerges and is reminiscent of past times..one boy or another going out the door at an unGodly hour..all of us waiting in the wings.....and when it is my turn..I want to hold him and never let him go......but I open my arms....... and he walks out the door.

And a Happy New Year it is so far.....Caleb and I managed to stay up tll 11:00 pm, while the rest of the tribe who celebrated here went off to a party in town.

Caleb is still improving --his laughter which bubbles through from time to time, is so lovely to hear..that was always Caleb's trademark. We are going to the gym twice a week together, walking an hour each day, he was back on his bike before the snow hit, we have game night each Wed., he is sleeping and eating well....and his memory is starting to re-circuit and re-route so that each day we see signs of success. I am thinking that as I fight the urge to be sad, I would not want this time to be wasted being dour when, say for instance in 8 years Caleb is doing really well, and I would have passed over precious time that could have been spent in a much better way. So I am trying to stay focused on the positive which we are given each day..and not the everyday facts that glare back at us, tempting us to bite the bait of being forelorn.

Kai leaves in a couple of days for Bali, soon after that Max will be moving out...so this will be a big change for all of us in this New Year. I have been blessed to have had son's who adore me and like hanging out with me..this will be different for me to not have them near.......so I am going to use this time to concentrate on Caleb and myself, getting our healthy selves back in shape, losing about 5 pounds of blubber each and walking the woods for our peace of mind. I look forward to the opportunity to just have him one on one...and to see what new things we can think up to keep ourselves occupied in a suddenly all too quiet household.

In all, we are setting our intentions for the New Year...to love more, laugh louder and longer, live independently and heal together. Blessings to you, Sharyn