The saliva swirls around the chocolate nut piece I just flipped into my mouth as I mull and ruminate. Kai has contacted me and is safely in Bali and on his way to Sumatra Surf heaven. I miss him and worry about him, especially when he tells me that in every sunset he sees Caleb's face and is having a hard time letting go. I remind him to stay the course and be strong, all the while that I remember that it is the largest tree that falls the hardest. I am trying to guide him in a way that I am totally uncertain of myself. Like the river, we are swollen with high expectations of where Caleb can go, yet at the same time we see fractured light, as the reality of who he is settles in.
This family is just a group of ordinary people trying to do the best we can in tough times and our compassion grows as our lives slip into what feels like a new dress which does not quite fit. It is flimsy and uncomfortable.
Caleb is improving..and as I said I am ever so hopeful for him...but I miss him. I miss his laugh, his smile, his fresh and funny outlook on life, his tenderness. I miss our interactions and I miss the skip of my heart as I watch his truck drive into the drive, knowing that we were always in for a surprise. He was quirky and comfortable.
There is a blown up picture of him which sits in front of my computer and as I gaze into his eyes and I fall into his smile I remember......
His half moon face, his slightly crooked teeth, his 5'o'clock shadow , his piercings up and down the ear...but mostly I remember the warmth, the kindness and his love. I was fortunate to have this love and like a true gift he gave it with no expectation. Late at night I still call his cell phone to listen to him speak to me, even if only for a second, in the voice I remember as Caleb. We struggle forward and slip backwards and inch toward a new day.
Please know that I am grateful, please know that I am glad he still remains, please know I am pleased that all of you are with us.......and please understand that I miss him with all my heart.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
15 comments:
Oh, Sharyn, do trust that we ALL do understand. Even without being in your shoes, we all understand.
Amy from western MA
you really are doing so well given your situation. and we do understand the love and the heartbreak you deal with each day. so glad that you write when you are feeling down, i think it helps to vent to 'us' out here. helps take a bit of the load off your heart.
hoping kai has a wonderful time. and hoping you have a restful sleep tonight.
amy in ct
There is no answer to your sorrow that can be provided by any being on this earth....you are ordinary people thrust into an extraordinary situation, one filled with heartache and hope in equal measure. It is hard to stay balanced between the two, but always keep in mind that we are here to catch you and hold you if you teeter in any direction, to cry with you in sadness and rejoice with you in gladness. My heart goes out to you, my dear.
As always,
with hope for peace and heart's ease to flow your way down that river,
peg from PA
Sharyn.. we all miss the before accident Caleb, but give thanks each and every day that he still remains here with us. It still amazes me the progress he has made from such a place of weakness, and vulnerability. But he is a fighter, a truly strong willed man. I am just so relieved that he still has that bit of humor to him, & is present. It could have been SO much worse, but in my own selfish way the fact that he acknowledges me when I am beside him is so comforting. I sincerely believe that things will only get better for him.. sure he has changed immensely but he is still such a gift.
I continue to ask that you all say a prayer for Chris Malatesta. He is still in a medical induced coma, and has suffered injuries somewhat comparable to Caleb. He and his family need our prayers.
Be well everyone. XO.
Sharyn,
There are many authors of books out there that don't use words as well as you do!
Kevin
we love you so much, sharyn.
Of course you do. It could be different, Caleb could be better, or worse, but where he is now is really where he is, so... being there with him is your great gift to him (well, that and childbirth). There is really no going back in time to change the past, it is what it is, and no going forward to change the present either. It is best, I think to be present in the present and give our best effort to what is happening now, the future will follow. That, I think, is what Caleb would do,
Sharyn - I will add to the voices of many here and say that I DO understand - maybe more than you realize, how much you must miss the Caleb you gave birth to and watched bloom and grow all his life. When I read your words, there is no way not to HEAR what you are saying, as a mother. You miss your son so much that your heart aches.....I get it - and I think that sometimes you just feel better knowing that.
Once again, at the start of this new year....please remember that we are ALL here, continuing to walk along YOUR road - holding you up and wanting so to help you over the rough spots, the bumps, the highs and the lows.....
as always - sending love and light from NY -
Nancy
Count me in as another person who "gets it", Sharyn, based on personal experience with a dad who had Alzheimer's Disease, and just plain, old-fashioned empathy. Of course you miss the old Caleb. How could you not?
Clance, I have added your friend, Chris Malatesta, to my "Positive Thoughts and Prayers" list. Please keep us posted.
NY/Wellfleet Mom
Oh i miss him so much too Sharyn, Caleb was my first love and ive never let those feelings for him go. I never tried to even when we decided to be just friends. I am going through a tough time right now in a relationship and when i imagine how it was to be carefree and head over heels for a guy i think of him. I reminace of the laughs, parties, family, and all the quiet moments he and i shared. When he would drive me all the way back to Brewster( people were shocked to see him leave fleet)to meet my curfew as i was so jealous he had the coolest mom on the block!And still does! Caleb gave me more out of life than any partner of mine ever has. He was absolutley my best friend. I miss that leb and life at is was. But as we move on and live this rearranged one i stil love him ever so much. Praying, dreaming, and thinking of you all,love grace
Sharyn,
Its good that you can find a place to say these things and have these feelings out loud. Your readers *do* understand and you are entitled to these feelings and to forgive yourself for these feelings. They are so natural and so inevitable. But also remember that its january, a dark dark month at the best of times and you are probably pretty run down and exhausted too. That can make everything feel much worse. Don't forget to take some time away from your responsiblities, if you can, and take care of yourself. Borrow a sunlamp, read a trashy novel, get a massage, send Caleb to someone else for the day and just drive up and down cape with good music blasting on the radio. YOu are more than welcome to come stay on our third floor and sleep round the clock, or go to some movies, and just be yourself for a while, you know?
hugs to you
Kate G. aka aimai
Ah Sharyn, there isn't anything I can add to the writings here today for they clearly express my thoughts and feelings. I can almost feel the tugging at your heart strings while you think of what was. Even at best nothing remains the same so we plod forward and cherish what there is to be cherished. Keep the faith and know,as you read,that we are all here with love and whatever you need.
My best wishes and love,
Penny
PS
Oh, and to the young man in a coma I send my prayers and positive energy. God speed.
Penny
Sharyn, my thoughts have already been expressed by everyone else here who has posted. It must be extra difficult with Kai being "away" but it's also very good that he's traveling and doing his thing.
My thoughts are always with you and your family, and tonight, with Chris Malatesta as well.
Take good care... Jerry
It is hard to think what to add to the thoughts already here.
To grieve what has been lost and may never return is so very real and right and it can truly coexist (and should) with the gratitude of knowing it could have been much worse. Though they are side by side those pieces just don't fit together and like plates in the earth they cause tremors when they rub and push against each other.
Unfortunately I know Caleb only though your words and from those of others and those words twinkle like the stars on a clear night. Still I find that I too grieve that this star, while still bright has been dimmed and changed, at least for now. Though I also celebrate the resilience and beauty of life and spirit that you so cherish and embrace and I see no conflict in those thoughts.
There is no greater love or gift for a child than for us as parents to put our fears aside and let them go and let them fly (or in Kai's case travel and surf) There is no greater love of a parent than for a child to embrace this gift and to soar.
We all send you great peace!
Jeff
Post a Comment