Bargaining with God is tough and too labor intensive for me to keep up much longer. You know the kind of talk ...it goes something like this ..." I promise to do.... if only you will give me ". On a conscious level, I would say that I never plea bargain, but I do catch myself time and time again asking for the clock of time to turn back, for the screen door not to slam shut behind me, closing out all that I had before as I beg for one final chance to change this whole mess around. It is unbearable to realize that my life has changed as I knew it. It is hard to know that my conversations with Caleb will never be what they were before. It is hard to imagine that he is gone in that way. To me he was the purest distillation. He was my comfort and my peace...he stood for all that was innocent and new...he was my little red wagon.
We are moving forward and I am keeping my eyes opened for possibilities of healing. We are doing the very best we can under the circumstances which we have been given. Like it? Not one bit..but bear it, we do!
It's amusing to think that we can be brave when we are so frightened, confident when we are weak, smiling when we are crushed. I think that this is what this is all about for us--life has changed dramaticallly, we don't know which end is up as we tumble through the gauntlet of emotions each day that threaten to beat us down...and all the while we fight to regain our stability.
Life sometimes wears very little lipstick!