I was on my way home to Ohio for a visit with Jan and the boys, and called home somewhere in Pennsylvania to update my arrival time, only to find that my mother was dying. She had suufered from diabeties related diseases for some time and this was her final hurrah. I was a young mother, not fully equipped to be without her at that time. The thing that I remeber most about her as I stood by her bed were the sounds she made, so similar to the sounds Anne had chorased at Sky's homebirth where I stood like a sentry with Cedar by my side. So death's sounds were a rebirthing . After the shock of her death and after I rolled into acceptance of it, I too had a rebirthing of sorts. My mother and I had suffered through a difficult ( at best) relationship. After a year or so had gone by, I actually realized that I was free in a way that I never had been while she was alive. Free to be me. Now please don't get me wrong..I do not think it was mother who limited me, but myself. I could have been brave enough to break through the barriers of who she expected me to be ( or who I thought she expected me to be) but I wasn't. So I had finally woken to the realization that I could be just the woman I wanted to be...and the debilitating beliefs I held about myself could die with her.
I now am looking forward to yet another birth - that of Kai, Max and myself. We must find a way to find acceptance with who it is that the Universe has called forth for Caleb to be..and all of us along with him. I do not get to go through a single day without heartbreak, nor a single night without nightmares, but I also do not get to pass through the day without opportunities to grow and to love and to choose differently for myself. The sun is out and I am filled with the warmth of possibilities..that I might become a forgiving, kind heart; that I might finally learn to love myself more; that I might reach for the best possible thought when the choice are vast and temptation rears; that I might discover my reason for being and laugh with all the tenderness and abandon of someone who has followed the path that was intended for them. That I might be as helpless as a newborn whose eyes scan the suroundings for the very first time and think " bring it on!"