Some lives are like the sunset, and some are new beginnings....Caleb was at the top of a mountain yesterday in full snowboard gear. For the very first time his mother got to watch Caleb experiencing what he considers the sport he was born for. The adaptive program crew who worked with him took him initially to the small slope for cautionary reasons, then quickly whisked him off to the top of the mountain proclaiming he was ready..and was he ever! For me, watching
Caleb fly down the mountain with sheer pleasure and freedom from his new constaints was pure joy! His movements fluid, his speed incredible, his self-assuridness..unbelievable.... but the smile on his face..oh, the smile on his face! We are liking this area very much, miss all of our old familiar faces, but have begun to collect new ones here. Diane, the Inn keeper...soft and caring. Anita who I could romp with the rest of my life who works the desk and makes me laugh. Pete..well isn't there always a Pete in each and every town? The big, unassuming, gentle giant who cracks Caleb up all the while doing his repairs around the place, and keeps us on our toes. We are settling in and find our pace.
The program at Krempels is exellent. The adorable young men and women there are inspirational to say the least. Lindsay with the face of an angel and a personality to match, and Brie is as rich and creamy as the cheese which shares her name. She has a computer which when typed into will speak out the words she wishes to say..so she sits next to Caleb and keeps him entertained with a little sparkle in her eye, I am noticing. There is John who works out with Caleb and Michael who is convinced he will drag us off to church with him...they all have the presence of angels and have none of those nasty habits of ignoring or belittleing, or rushing, or judging. They all have lived through hell for one reason or another, and they smile and care and love in a way I have not witnessed before. I am truely honored to be a part of this. I drop Caleb three times a week and find that I have to search my brain for things to do alone, so long has it been that I have had this option. Today I search out the perfect little Valentines to send home to Max and Lara. Kai and Liz will have to do with a kiss blown through the phone lines for now. We are both good, smiling a bit more, freer from the restrictions of feeling stuck, and moving forward..moving forward. ...Some lives are like sunsets......and some have new beginnings.

Portsmouth

Wow! We have been here exactly two days..and I cannot say enough about how happy we are to be here. As is the Potter/Lindsay style..we have walked for hours and hours determined to know our new digs..Caleb enjoyed a first day at Krempels with new friends...if you have ever looked into the eyes of a survivor..you have had a glimpse of God. These warm, lovely people are so welcoming, so open, so full of love. I felt like I had sent Caleb off to preschool first day again..he was uncertain, a bit afraid, not convinced I would return..and two young men escorted him away from me, tears welling..all the while assuring Caleb that they would take good care of him. I feel blessed. We are bowling this afternoon..me with the bumpers.saw a movie last night...and we have tickets to the Whalers for tomorrow eve...and a line-up of things we want to do. I feel like we have landed in our home away from home.
Kai is on the road safely staying with an old boyfriend of mine..Max and Lara are making plans to come join us here and Max promises to show us up at bowling. In short, this excursion was just what we needed. Caleb, I think will discover his tribe, and I will sleep well knowing that all of you are tucking us in each night with thougts of peace. Blessings, Sharyn

Dear Emm, Faithful follower of this blog- thank you!

This morn..lying in bed..listening, just listening to Kai as he moves around the house. He is up early, packing the last few items for the road trip which begins today..I am pressing his voice to my brain, and his movements to my soul. He is talking to the cats, gently separating them from their spat in his kind and thoughtful way. His voice is on the line with Liz; soft, reassuring, confident. He will be picking her up soon. I can barely remember the time when I let my sons go out the door without the black coat of fear engulfing me., I always had a healthy dose of mother's concerns lined up ...but now I know what can happen..what does happen to ordinary people, with ordinary lives, and I am flooded with fears. I attempt to etch his eyes into mine, so that I will be able to conjure them up if need be. I am joyous and fretful at the same time. And then I am whisked back in time to that very same feeling. A newborn comes wrapped in a soft, white blanket. His fingers fold around mine. He looks into my eyes...and I recognize this...this joyous, fretfullness of being a mother and knowing so deeply that life will somehow never again be the same.

I return to the house and find his note...there is always a note. He tells Caleb to enjoy snowboarding..he is at his purest on the slopes ...and that he will heal. He tells Max to do something which makes him smile each day-the only thing worth doing. He tells me to remember to breathe in the winter air. There is nothing like it . He tells me to keep us together in thought- we are all we have.
And he reminds me that he will be back home just as the bravest of the greens begin to emerge.


God speed, my son.

I am sorry if I offended any one of you out there reading my last post.. In this writing I only ever speak of my experiences..not what others have . I am only sad I never had the experience of having a partner who was as involved as you men who join me here.


This is a busy week of packing..we leave on Sunday for Portsmouth. Max's kitty goes back home in a day or so, and it looks like Kai and Liz will be heading out in their adorable little home on wheels by Wed. I am excited about the possibilities for all of us.

In my office where I sit to commune with you, there is a picture that my friend Claus took of me right after my separation from Jan. Claus had a huge circular opening between one room and another, and I sit perched in that opening looking like I am a little bird ready to take flight. I can tell you that this is just how I feel now..ready to leap off into the unknown, knowing that I am doing the right thing. A little afraid, but certain I will be richer for the experience. This change will be so good for the two of us and I will keep you posted on how we do.

The field for flowers is prepared for it's planting when I return, and the promise of change is in the air. I am content for the very first time in a very long time!

I don't have grandchildren, but Max and Lara have allowed me to take care of their new kitten, Pancake, for the weekend, which I feel must be the next best thing. I follow his every move. Watch his wiskers catch the cobwebs I thought I had sucked up in every corner with the vacuum, check to see if our big boof is picking on him, scold Spud when he gets too near, and follow the ups and downs of his breath as he sleeps. Once a mother, always a mother!
So I have been examining myself a bit lately. I had dinner with an old boyfriend - who has followed the blog and wanted to touch base. A stellar man to say the least...and I was self conscious to say the least. I remember standing in his kitchen, in my tight long dress..showing off my perfict figure, my fine tuned body from the many hard core workouts I was accustomed to. Now I am at least 20 pounds overweigt from the stress accumulated over 3 years, I have boobs for Gods sake and lines streaked across my face that were never there before...and in truth? ... I feel more certain, more me, more beautiful (inside) than I have ever before felt-- because I know , finally, who I am. I am a woman who knows love, and knows how to love, and knows how to "feel". This situation allows for re- assesement of priorities. It is like with the kitten. We women are the caregivers of the world. We watch your every move, watch as you collect troubles and get weighed down, see if you are safe, and sneak into your room at night, or role over to see if your breathing is ...to see if your breating IS! Sleep peacefully, knowing that the women in your life take care of you!

Well this mother could not be happier...I have been smiling inside and out for the past few days. Caleb, Kai, Cedar and Ennie went snow boarding on Friday. We were all anticipating that Caleb would have trouble and would be limited to the bunny slopes...but he was having none of that. Kai reports that at the top of the mountain, seconds after hopping off the lift, Caleb snapped into his board and took off with an anxious Cedar, Kai, and Ennie trailing behind and trying to catch up. When Kai said
" Caleb, it looks as tho you have never been away from the mountain, you board exactly the same way"..a confident Caleb replied " I was born for this!" I could only watch this senario from the window of my mind, but what an glorious sight I have pictured there. It is one of the first times that I truely believed that we will soar from here on out!
I am making my packing list for our move to Portsmouth. Susan( Blogger from Portsmouth) has contacted me, and I will look her up to get the layout of the town, and perhaps have a friend to hang with, but high up on the list of packing items will be Caleb's board. This turn of events has made life seem bearable again, easier, lighter....and I am grateful today for all that I have...I get that sneaking feeling that we will all be fine.
Thank you for being with us, as always ..mumsie

Sorry to be so tardy- but I have been busy moving forward. Caleb and I have checked out a day program in NH..Portsmouth to be exact..and we will be moving there in February so that he can be with his tribe..and snow board on week-ends , and I will be attending care-givers meetings, so I will be with my new tribe as well.
I spoke to a woman who has worked in the field of brain inury for quite some time now, and she tells me of parents who, 20 years later are still stuck in such pain over the accident of their child, or loved one...and I am determined not to be one of these people- tho I do understand how it is that I could easily become morose over this situation... and I do not blame those who cannot move in a different direction. I just don't want this to be my path.
Our lives have now changed so dramatically, and I am thinking about how failure, in any situation, seems to strip away the unessential...and makes you focus on what it is that you do want. Somehow, not protecting my child from harms way wreaks of failure, but I am determined to walk out of this hell hole in one piece.....a changed, and different woman who loves in spite of pain, in spite of fear, in spite of dissapointment..and one who moves forward because her son bekons forth.

The blue jays screech and fight over the food we have laid out for them...I positioned the feeder just outside my bedroom door so that instead of relying on the holler of an alarm clock, in the wee hours of early daylight, I am woken by the birds. The reindeer, swan, and my favorites; the Christmas pigs are all decorated and put into tins and prepare for their first bite. The chandelier hangs heavy with stars and snowflakes and greens all around, and the Potter boys, just as when they were small, still have magic in their eyes and the Holiday spirit in their souls.
I realize this season more than any other in my past, that we are blessed ..so blessed.
I have a family and we love one another, truely love one another, and choose to be together...
I have dreams that are unstoppable..
Sometimes I have silent nights, holy nights...
And I always have me; humbled by what we have been through, softer around the edges, stronger in spite of myself, and aware of how much love and compassion swirls around on the lips of the wind.

Thank you for being with us on this incredible journey called life.

Happy Holidays..with much love, Sharyn and her boys

I can find so many things to be sad about each day with Caleb...how he struggles, how he seems like a little boy now; helpless and confused, how he has changed, and we each have followed...new people, each one of us. I have been giving alot of thought to the choices we have every moment of the day, and recognize that that is where our power lies. Thought is all we have. Every thing that exists now was once just a thought in some persons's thinking process. I am trying to catch myself, to bend the truth to another truth, and to choose a better thought. It takes disipline and often times all the energy I can muster up. But when I can change my thought, I can change my outlook; and Caleb and Kai and Max and I look safe for awhile.

My goal is joy!

Today... a morning coffee on Newcomb, spent silently with Jan in celebration of our son Kai turning 25 today!
When Kai was a very little boy, he would speak to me quite frequently about his "other" mother from where last he came forth....and as was his nature then, as is now, he never did it spitefully..he just wanted to tell me all about her. She was all the things I could not be to him. She eve n looked differently. She was dark, small and plump, with black hair. She was certainly more sane and seemed to have all the time in the world for him; something this mother had little time for with two other robust boys trailing. Somehow she always seemed to bring him comfort. It has been many a year since I have heard from him about her...he now finds his comfort with Lizzy, and her extended family; his Aunt Carol and Ray are always around for anything he needs, and he has a true love for his brothers: Max, Caleb and Timmy that is wildly fullfilling.
He is a gem; he is someone who is truely comfortable in his skin. And I know that all the little things that he will leave behind will make this world a bigger place.
I don't know where his "other" mother has gone. I suspect she is always near, whispering sweet , encouraging words to him, guiding him in times of darkness and in light. ...tenderly holding his hand.

And today I want to say thank you to her for loving my little boy.....
and I want her to know that I am just as proud as she to have been chosen to be his other mother too.

Happy 25th Kai! With Love.

Here we are, and always remain, a patchwork quilt of emotions, dreams and desires. A life sewn back together and cherished. I used to sing a pretty little tune in my head, and now it is a sad song that carries me. But through adversity comes change, and like that little green snake that resides in my pond, we slide along behind, shedding our old skin... and grow new.
Caleb and I sat cuddled together on my bed just before he left me to slumber away..and I spoke openly about his accident and told him how much I miss the old Caleb. For the first time he prompted the conversation and wanted to tell me how it felt from his vantage point...how he feels locked inside and cannot get back to who he was before. I reply that I too cannot seem to find who I was before his accident either...we are patched together..torn pieces and bare threads hanging loose. This is more than just a heartbreak for me..it smells of death.
Life goes on....he is active in the community, a bit happier each day, confident, and riding a wave to change.
I have been devising a plan to turn part of my property into a cutting bed so that I can employ Caleb and another brain injured man in the spring with the hopes of building this into a much bigger program. This is now my life and I take it on with open arms...bring it on... I shout into the heavens! So come buy your fresh flowers from us. We are looking for a name..Caleb and I will be selling at the farmer's market in Orleans and then hopefully the following year at the Prez Hall here in town. Organic veggies and flowers are the menu - so all of you free thinkers ..just give me some input if you have any.


And along with all of that, I still hold onto my childhood dream..that there will most certainly be a happy ending!
And I will once again find the beauty that is Caleb.

I was out with a "new" friend tonight and she spoke of how her husband cut a scallop out of it's shell, determined it was in a heart shape, delicately wrapped it, and brought it home to her. Oh my God... I thought my heart would explode.....in all the years I was married to Jan all I ever wanted was to go the long run...to get, after years of marriage..that heart shaped scallop.

Then I think of Caleb, and how delicate life can be, and I realized again, that all I ever wanted was to have my boys grow old along with me..healthy and complete.

So now I am learning that what we want......and instead what we get..is sometimes just the thing we need........ Because Jan could not love me the way I expected him to... I had to learn to love myself.

Because Caleb cannot give me my future...I have to create it.

In the past weeks, before I turned the corner, I was thinking mostly about death..and how I could slip out of this life with Caleb un- noticed. Now I just want to hang in there, because I realize how our lives are just a blink of the eye...and why not blink it out?
Our greatest impact is in the here and now......our only chance to change things resides in the present.

Caleb got into the truck tonight at dark..drove to So. Fleet to be with his dearest friend Cedar. I followed behind in my truck until the turn off..and kissed a silent goodbye as he turned right and I continued on.......
.and so we must all continue on.

This post has been long overdue...but I have been a very busy scrapper in the past two weeks, to say the least. I have determined that I can no longer keep one foot in landscaping, and the other involved with brain injury, so I have turned the businees over to Kai, who is perched and ready to fly. Meanwhile, I have connected Caleb up with three other brain injured men at this end of the Cape and they had their first bowling/pizza night out this past week. What smiles on those faces! We plan on seeing how this works for all of them, and then we will add movie nights, week-end activities etc. I am so happy for Caleb to have new friends in his life and the freedom he experienced last week was delicious!
We have been working on our barn for the past couple of weeks, transforming it into a space for Caleb to hang. As soon as it is painted ( right after Christmas) he will be more on his own. He is volunteering at the Library 3x a week, works with the after school program in clay, and sits in with the preschool crowd once a week. His schedule is intense, and I as his secretary am finding it taxing to keep up with...but oh is this good for him, for me, and for everyone involved.....We have turned another corner and it is looking bright out there for the first time in awhile.
I still toss all night .... each night, but now I find I am less stressed being wide awake when even the roosters are still, knowing that we are moving forward.
Not what I wanted, not what I thought I would ever be dealt...but what we have.....and having the best time with it possible.

It was a sobering moment when Kai said that he felt I had hit an all time low..it is one thing to feel it, and yet another thing altogether to have a child put into words the thoughts which echo your feelings. As we sat at the beach, (the beach where his father took his life), he said he had never once heard in all of his life the grasping sound of my giving up...and there it was...and I could hear the worry in his tenor. I can tell you that for me the thought of dissapointing any one of my children is a very big and concise kick in the butt...and it forced me out of lifelessness into action. I would say for all of you out there who labor over whether or not you should say something to a friend of a loved one about an issue which concerns you? --- go for it..it was just the jump start that I needed. So we are back on tract for now ..Caleb was given the honor of attending the Oyster fest as an official...the very same oyster fest that he loved, made money at, entertained the multitudes, and competed in at the shucking contest......and as one friend put it ..as the next hot shot she was rooting for to win..... and who was now standing on the stage handing out the prize winners money! He has come a long way. His beloved nurses were down again..if ever angels walked the face of the Earth! I am still hurt as we walk along the path and friends ignore him...the very same friends who called him hour after hour to be entertained by him only two years ago..... but I realize that we all have a choice to concentrate on what we have or what it is that we don't have..we can look at the bright side, or the dark side...and God help me, most of my life I have been looking at lack..and now I want to focus on abundance...I want to wake in the morning being able to say that my child is still alive; different, changed, transformed, but with us. I want to be able to say that the positive outweighs the negative, and that never, ever again will I dissapoint any of my children by not believing in myself!

It is from that same window that I watched him grow..
perched high above the garden green.
Hands dreamily dipped in soapy water...I watch him unaware.
He bends to study a tomato in the same way I study my face.
Creased, rough, lined with age.
He picks it anyways..
We understand eachothers wounds...
and I make my way through the day by remembering.

Now the light has settled to dust
I wake from the pillow.
This one is wrong....creased, rough, lined with age.
The soft has gone missing.
So I walk to the window once more. But he is gone.
and I make my way through the night by remembering.


Since I really can't sleep..I write to you.
Caleb is truely doing very well. His memory is getting better in small, but detectable increments. He has begun some volunteer work at the Library and commented to someone the other day who ran into him " I used to like that place"..but he goes very willingly and drives himself there, which boosts his pride. I am beginning to pull together a program where Caleb and other "disabled" young men can get together a couple of times a week..he desperately needs new friends.
I believe that what happens here- in this situation I find us in- is that after the initial shock wears off, and all of life seemingly goes back to normal, there is no longer a normal for me..or for the boys. We are making a new normal up as we go..but finding our footing is difficult. I bask in the fact that Caleb is alive, but truth be told, this is difficult at best. I appreciate his smile each morning, but I miss the old grin. I walk beside him and treasure, but my treasure is missing.
I don't know how other people have made it through this!
Not to worry about me..I am a tough old bird. I just cannot grow into my new skin and enjoy it. My heart is bursting with pain and I am so sad........and so tired of being sad.