Here we are, and always remain, a patchwork quilt of emotions, dreams and desires. A life sewn back together and cherished. I used to sing a pretty little tune in my head, and now it is a sad song that carries me. But through adversity comes change, and like that little green snake that resides in my pond, we slide along behind, shedding our old skin... and grow new.
Caleb and I sat cuddled together on my bed just before he left me to slumber away..and I spoke openly about his accident and told him how much I miss the old Caleb. For the first time he prompted the conversation and wanted to tell me how it felt from his vantage point...how he feels locked inside and cannot get back to who he was before. I reply that I too cannot seem to find who I was before his accident either...we are patched together..torn pieces and bare threads hanging loose. This is more than just a heartbreak for me..it smells of death.
Life goes on....he is active in the community, a bit happier each day, confident, and riding a wave to change.
I have been devising a plan to turn part of my property into a cutting bed so that I can employ Caleb and another brain injured man in the spring with the hopes of building this into a much bigger program. This is now my life and I take it on with open arms...bring it on... I shout into the heavens! So come buy your fresh flowers from us. We are looking for a name..Caleb and I will be selling at the farmer's market in Orleans and then hopefully the following year at the Prez Hall here in town. Organic veggies and flowers are the menu - so all of you free thinkers ..just give me some input if you have any.


And along with all of that, I still hold onto my childhood dream..that there will most certainly be a happy ending!
And I will once again find the beauty that is Caleb.

I was out with a "new" friend tonight and she spoke of how her husband cut a scallop out of it's shell, determined it was in a heart shape, delicately wrapped it, and brought it home to her. Oh my God... I thought my heart would explode.....in all the years I was married to Jan all I ever wanted was to go the long run...to get, after years of marriage..that heart shaped scallop.

Then I think of Caleb, and how delicate life can be, and I realized again, that all I ever wanted was to have my boys grow old along with me..healthy and complete.

So now I am learning that what we want......and instead what we get..is sometimes just the thing we need........ Because Jan could not love me the way I expected him to... I had to learn to love myself.

Because Caleb cannot give me my future...I have to create it.

In the past weeks, before I turned the corner, I was thinking mostly about death..and how I could slip out of this life with Caleb un- noticed. Now I just want to hang in there, because I realize how our lives are just a blink of the eye...and why not blink it out?
Our greatest impact is in the here and now......our only chance to change things resides in the present.

Caleb got into the truck tonight at dark..drove to So. Fleet to be with his dearest friend Cedar. I followed behind in my truck until the turn off..and kissed a silent goodbye as he turned right and I continued on.......
.and so we must all continue on.

This post has been long overdue...but I have been a very busy scrapper in the past two weeks, to say the least. I have determined that I can no longer keep one foot in landscaping, and the other involved with brain injury, so I have turned the businees over to Kai, who is perched and ready to fly. Meanwhile, I have connected Caleb up with three other brain injured men at this end of the Cape and they had their first bowling/pizza night out this past week. What smiles on those faces! We plan on seeing how this works for all of them, and then we will add movie nights, week-end activities etc. I am so happy for Caleb to have new friends in his life and the freedom he experienced last week was delicious!
We have been working on our barn for the past couple of weeks, transforming it into a space for Caleb to hang. As soon as it is painted ( right after Christmas) he will be more on his own. He is volunteering at the Library 3x a week, works with the after school program in clay, and sits in with the preschool crowd once a week. His schedule is intense, and I as his secretary am finding it taxing to keep up with...but oh is this good for him, for me, and for everyone involved.....We have turned another corner and it is looking bright out there for the first time in awhile.
I still toss all night .... each night, but now I find I am less stressed being wide awake when even the roosters are still, knowing that we are moving forward.
Not what I wanted, not what I thought I would ever be dealt...but what we have.....and having the best time with it possible.

It was a sobering moment when Kai said that he felt I had hit an all time low..it is one thing to feel it, and yet another thing altogether to have a child put into words the thoughts which echo your feelings. As we sat at the beach, (the beach where his father took his life), he said he had never once heard in all of his life the grasping sound of my giving up...and there it was...and I could hear the worry in his tenor. I can tell you that for me the thought of dissapointing any one of my children is a very big and concise kick in the butt...and it forced me out of lifelessness into action. I would say for all of you out there who labor over whether or not you should say something to a friend of a loved one about an issue which concerns you? --- go for it..it was just the jump start that I needed. So we are back on tract for now ..Caleb was given the honor of attending the Oyster fest as an official...the very same oyster fest that he loved, made money at, entertained the multitudes, and competed in at the shucking contest......and as one friend put it ..as the next hot shot she was rooting for to win..... and who was now standing on the stage handing out the prize winners money! He has come a long way. His beloved nurses were down again..if ever angels walked the face of the Earth! I am still hurt as we walk along the path and friends ignore him...the very same friends who called him hour after hour to be entertained by him only two years ago..... but I realize that we all have a choice to concentrate on what we have or what it is that we don't have..we can look at the bright side, or the dark side...and God help me, most of my life I have been looking at lack..and now I want to focus on abundance...I want to wake in the morning being able to say that my child is still alive; different, changed, transformed, but with us. I want to be able to say that the positive outweighs the negative, and that never, ever again will I dissapoint any of my children by not believing in myself!

It is from that same window that I watched him grow..
perched high above the garden green.
Hands dreamily dipped in soapy water...I watch him unaware.
He bends to study a tomato in the same way I study my face.
Creased, rough, lined with age.
He picks it anyways..
We understand eachothers wounds...
and I make my way through the day by remembering.

Now the light has settled to dust
I wake from the pillow.
This one is wrong....creased, rough, lined with age.
The soft has gone missing.
So I walk to the window once more. But he is gone.
and I make my way through the night by remembering.


Since I really can't sleep..I write to you.
Caleb is truely doing very well. His memory is getting better in small, but detectable increments. He has begun some volunteer work at the Library and commented to someone the other day who ran into him " I used to like that place"..but he goes very willingly and drives himself there, which boosts his pride. I am beginning to pull together a program where Caleb and other "disabled" young men can get together a couple of times a week..he desperately needs new friends.
I believe that what happens here- in this situation I find us in- is that after the initial shock wears off, and all of life seemingly goes back to normal, there is no longer a normal for me..or for the boys. We are making a new normal up as we go..but finding our footing is difficult. I bask in the fact that Caleb is alive, but truth be told, this is difficult at best. I appreciate his smile each morning, but I miss the old grin. I walk beside him and treasure, but my treasure is missing.
I don't know how other people have made it through this!
Not to worry about me..I am a tough old bird. I just cannot grow into my new skin and enjoy it. My heart is bursting with pain and I am so sad........and so tired of being sad.

Heart break

I have always known that I would die of heartache from about the time I was 20. When the doctors insist that I get checked for Breast lumps, I am certain that I will never experience that ...When I am asked politely for the third time to have a colonoscopy..I am incredulous..I know that I will need that never -but when I examine my marriage and realize how much I loved ...and was not loved back, I see that it is my heart that is in jeapordy........always was.

I believe it began with my father -the understanding that he understood me......and then I painfully realized that he did not.....or perhaps it was my the moment I recognized that my mother was more like me than I would ever want to believe that broke my heart....but I could not confess to her at that time, because she was long gone... I think we all know how it is that we will go..we know it with certainty......my heart will have one last sigh...and then it will give up on me, in spite of my wanting to linger...and it will join the unknown. I try not to worry all the way home.

Caleb continues to inspire.. he is so simplistic in his approach...... he continues to love as a poet, as a lover, or as a man who has lost everything and has to search for a new way....he follows his path...and I, like a little dog who is learning how to belong...I faithfully follow ....and learn as I go .

I was at the Market place today, standing in line behind a lovely woman and her adorable daughter...and the woman paying for
her goods. The little girl could not resist..she reached out and hugged...a big bear hug wrapped around the woman in front of her. The mother so quickly reprimanded her little girl...and bang..there it was...the beginning of closing her daughter down to her perfect instincts. I had just been conversing with the hugged woman moments before...she has gone through some serious troubles as of late; had gone on line, of all things to conjure up her own kidney transplant to save her own life, had suffered through a family members suicide, and was feeling very low to say the least. The little girl knew exactly what she was doing, her instincts; right on! No blame here...but we do tend to close ourselves down to pain...and teach our children to do the same , really without knowing it. I am no exception. I remember with shame, when a friend of mine could not shake depression, and I got to the point where I would simply not listen to her any longer. At what point is it that we decide that we must move on, perhaps in an attempt for self preservation, ... but only to find ourselves hardened and cold inside because we can no longer feel?
I walked past her, that little girl, leaned down, looked her in the eye, and told her how proud I was of her for hugging a complete stranger...and that my dears, is what you do for me. Thank you.

I'm feeling a bit like yeast lately...the kind you measure into a bowl and add warm water..the kind that is alive, growing, changing. Life now has taken on a different quality and along with the promise of fall comes the promise that we go on as well. We are different now..Kai, Max and I...and I am feeling deep into my soul where a certain understanding has moved over me ...like a cloud covering the sun for a bit....we cannot go back, we cannot go back. Forward is the only way now. I want Caleb back..I want to feel my heart lighten as he drives up the drive with clam baskets in hand and a smile in his heart. I do believe it takes this long ( or perhaps I am a slow learner) to realize in the depths of one's being that no matter what you do, no matter what you say, no matter how many promises to God you can make...your son is not coming back the way he was ...and I miss him terribly. Like a shadow, his memory pierces and floods over me even as the sun is out.
I have been busy trying to figure out a way in which Caleb can have a richer life. I will not always be here for him..his brother's need to have a separate life, his friends no longer exist but for a very few. I am devising a plan which will allow Caleb to live in his beloved Wellfeet, perhaps have other friends who are more like him living with him, and a freer existence from me. Things are changing..he now drives to the Library a couple of days a week, by himself..and works with a dear friend of mine in the childrens section of the building. But he is sad..wonders where everyone is, and is bewidered by his circumstances. Can any one thing crush a mother's heart more?
I have been contemplating Jan's choice and have known that for us..the remaining family, it is simply not an option, really never has been.....we must go on..we must perservere..we must find some semblance of justice in all of this.....we must find our way.
I realize that writing it out is the way for me to heal...so I thank you for following even when we are down, even when we are up, and even when we are like yeast..changing and growing...alive!

Adrift

The weary, exhuberant, exhilarated traverls have returned. We had a lovely time in Maine...no bugs to speak of, water view to die for, kayaking each day , many adventures including spotting bald eagles, Kai's shooting rapids, and the re-discovery of a old wooden fort tucked way into the woods that the boys had built and camped in long ago when they traved to deer isle with their dad...(well there were some bugs on that part of our adventure) It is a wonder to step back in time when there is no telvision to distract- only books, to begin each day with coffee and a sunrise, and the highlight of the day becomes time shared with one another over dinner.... or in my case the beating of my card shark Max for a consistent four days of rummy playing.
Our cabin was named Driftwood..and as my busy lifestyle drifted away, so did the thoughts drift in and out of my head. We have come so far, me and the boys since Caleb's accident.....as I watched them interact with their older brother, I witnessed miracles. Max, the manly kind of man who reaches out with a gentle, loving hand as Caleb teeters on the craggy rocks, Kai helping Caleb in and out of boats, and his undying patience when Caleb is crabby , tired and demanding, in spite of never knowing a Caleb who was ever this way before. We are learning to live and love differently. I sat in my kayak drifting on the waves, still, listening. In the farthest corner of my mind I heard a faint..... helloooo.... which sounded like it was drifting back over to me through present and past; through vast amounts of memory. It brought forth ripples of grief, dispair, sadness. It summond smiles and laughter and then again, tears. But like an old friend who is calling from afar, the faint at first, but perservering voice drowns out all fears, and meets us round the corner with a reminder of who it is we really are...soft, loving, prepared to take on the world with all of it's depth and despair. It is the soft hello of our mother when we first set forth our intentions ..to come forth into this world; not with the promise of pleasure and peace; but with the contrast which life gives us all.............and we move forward with desire.
We are home.

Summer has caught me up in it's tremendous sweep of energy...and we have been occupied....and very much so in a good way.
Caleb seems to have greater depth of understanding each day, and his memory does continue to improve. He can remember the things which were important to him in his past, but can just as easily forget that he just ate breakfast a minute ago...it is as if he chooses to not clutter his already cluttered brain with unnecessary information. I think he is brilliant! I have been giving myself permission to change, and to not feel guilty about Caleb's life ....a not so easy thing to do for mother's who love. I am now concentrating on losing the mashed potato weight from Caleb's hospital days,...so Caleb and I are walking, biking and eating better. It is funny to me that in times of stress, we often slip away from those things which can so easily make us feel better--exercise for one...solitude for another... a walk in the woods, a dip in the pond, holding hands and silently gazing at the stars.
I am carefully picking out of the day the things that I want to do
The boys and I have a trip to Maine scheduled for the 8th of this month, and will be staying at a seaside rustic cabin, where kayaks will be our only distraction, aside from just being together. I am beginning to slowly re-learn to appreciate life in all it's wondrous glory..with all of it's questions and all of it's answers, with all of it's surprises and all of it's certanties, with all of it's ups and all of it's downs.
I look forward to looking back on this phase of my life with a renewed desire for life, knowing that it was born out of such tragedy, and knowing that the contrast has caused me to grow to higher heights. We are moving forward, somtimes at a snails pace and sometimes with a blast...but either way, I am more, than not concentrating on what I have instead of what I do not, and I am finding my way.

If in the telling of our story, we change the direction of it, the outcome of it, and the truth of it...then this is mine.
A few years shall pass and I will wake one day to a new life. Caleb will be independent and living with new friends who are challenged as he still is..but they are rich and full lives non the less. Perhaps he even has a love interest who makes him laugh and feel full inside against all bitter odds that he would even be here. Kai and Max are settled, each with the love of their lives, women who perceive their struggles and walk strongly beside them, with understanding and compassion. I even see smiles on their faces as they traverse their own destinies knowing that they are strong and capable from all the lessons that Caleb has taught. And I smile up at the stars one evening after I have tucked my grandchildren into bed, and I speak softly to Jan that all is well now, he can be peaceful and no longer afraid for us, because a woman walks among us who is now mighty in her convictions. She has faced the darkness ...and now holds the light in her trembling hands of love.

So life goes on - it is amazing how when my mother passed away I remember saying to myself " Why are all these people smiling? Don't they know my mum just died?" And this is how it is with Caleb...life goes on, and suddenly, I am expected to run with the crowd in spite of all that has happened. And that is no-one's fault - just how it is. So here we are..adjusting, re- adjusting and dealing with life as it is, not as it was. I am finally seeing someone to help me through all of this, and in spite of my concerns, she reassures me that yes, I am depressed, but no more so than any normal person would be under these circumstances...which is always a great relief, and brings on a big sigh....Ok.. I am OK...and I am finding a new path to traverse, instead of the old one, which no longer fits who it is that I have become.
Caleb is worried that he will never get better- he knows the difference between who he was and who he is now, and it pains him, and me as well, this difference. His friends no longer respond to phone calls, and they no longer drop by...they too have moved on. And it bothers me too, to think that in the past it would have been Caleb who would take the time out of a busy day to stop by a friends house who was sick, or down for the count, or just depressed .... but no-one comes to him. Perhaps it is his cross to bear--
But, as I said, life goes on...and right now there is a big thunder storm raging in Fleet..and I am in my leopard robe...and I am going to sprint to the pond and watch the lightning,butt naked in the pond, and witness the beauty of creation, and the rightness of life and all that it holds for all of us....and perhaps just for a split second, like the flash of lighting, I can forget that my mother is dead..that Jan took his life, that Caleb suffers, and I can know that I have a chance to look at things differently---and that I have a choice to choose a better thought, instead of playing the tapes that run in my head over and over again....perhaps it will be just simply ...............all is right in the world, in all of it's perfection.

Caleb and Crew at the July 4th parade

Famous Fourth

There is a warmth in this day..a stillness in the air..the Leylands do not sway in the breeze, but stand tall and proud, as if to salute. Today feels like "our" day. I can only ponder the person I was in these moments before the 2007 parade as I sit with my coffee and my cat to look out over the gardens, and try to remember. She is gone...but in her place stands a woman...who today will brush her teeth..wash her face...put on her best party dress, her favorite shade of red..and walk into the streets of "Fleet" as proud and tall as those Leylands stand........and Caleb and Kai will walk together as pirates, and scare the children, and throw candy and laugh.. and at some point Caleb will pause to kiss his Grandma..he will spot Aunt Carol with a grin......shout out a " hey ya Mama" to me, and throw out the Fleet handshake to Max ....and then I will remember that it does not matter who I was before...... today... we all walk!

Happy Fourth of July my dear friends!

Why is it that we insist on clinging to pain? We as humans, have been given free choice......do you understand how powerful this is? We can choose,..... and still, we insist on looking towards the pain instead of looking toward relief. We hug the hot kettle to ourselves so tightly!
I , once again climbed into bed next to Caleb the other night to tuck him in, and relayed how sorry I was that his life took on such a twist....and he looked at me with this incredulous look. His response......
" Why? , I am alive and I'm fine!"
So, It is me who holds us in a painful spot, a gilded cage of pain. I cannot let loose the bird who bekons forth freedom, who resides inside. He is my perfect gift...he attempts to teach me to let go and let live.
The drum roll of life is beginning to be heard in the backdrop of my head.....I feel a new chapter about to be written, and Caleb Kai and Max are the rich charachters who don the pages of my life, and keep me flipping the paper to get to the next tale. Like all of us fairytale people who walk this brief walk of life, I am insisting on a happy ending.