I have always known that I would die of heartache from about the time I was 20. When the doctors insist that I get checked for Breast lumps, I am certain that I will never experience that ...When I am asked politely for the third time to have a colonoscopy..I am incredulous..I know that I will need that never -but when I examine my marriage and realize how much I loved ...and was not loved back, I see that it is my heart that is in jeapordy........always was.
I believe it began with my father -the understanding that he understood me......and then I painfully realized that he did not.....or perhaps it was my the moment I recognized that my mother was more like me than I would ever want to believe that broke my heart....but I could not confess to her at that time, because she was long gone... I think we all know how it is that we will go..we know it with certainty......my heart will have one last sigh...and then it will give up on me, in spite of my wanting to linger...and it will join the unknown. I try not to worry all the way home.
Caleb continues to inspire.. he is so simplistic in his approach...... he continues to love as a poet, as a lover, or as a man who has lost everything and has to search for a new way....he follows his path...and I, like a little dog who is learning how to belong...I faithfully follow ....and learn as I go .
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Sharyn, You have opened your heart to us these past few years,and we have seen all that you hold in it: the love,the disappointments, the hope and despair..... but what shines like the stars in a midnight sky is your beauty and boundless strength of spirit....and those things last forever....
Know that you are loved truly and without reservation by all who know you, by your beautiful sons and family, and by all of those who have gone on before, and know. also , that we all hold you in our hearts,always.....
As always, with hope, and love,
peg from PA
Sharyn, you make this world more
heart-felt, lovely, colorful. May you live to be 100+! As usual, Peg has said it all, as I wish I could. Take good care...may you be happy and healthy, and relish this beautiful Saturday in September. Hello to Caleb! The Banner newspaper says he's teaching kids to talk-like-a-pirate at the library...how cool is that!
Glad to hear from you, I was having Sharyn Blog Withdrawal.
Your husband may have loved you as well as he could, but he was no match for your depth of character.He was unable to give you what you needed.
And most parents do the best they can albeit sometimes a pitiful excuse for unconditional love. I happened to have had excellent closure with both my parents before they passed but I empathize with you. My sister in California did not have that opportunity and did not express herself when she might have had the chance.
The sadness will pass...maybe slowly...but it will.
And, ahoy mate, follow that Pirate!
Love, Roberta in Wellfleet
As I continue to add days to this life I am more fully understanding that beyond taking care of the basics, a large part of our journey is "understanding": understanding ourselves, understanding others, and being willing to continually revise that understanding though out our lives. And to be ok with that and give ourselves permission to revise.
One of the wonderful gifts that you continue to share in your writing is your search for understanding in your life; your past, your kids, your choices, your options, your surroundings....your future. To me this means that you are willing to risk experiencing life and out of this comes new life.
Perhaps you will someday die of heartache, though I hope not. But if you do it will be because you have expanded your heart so greatly and taken in so much of this life.
I tend to think that when your time comes you will find that perhaps your heart is bruised and scared but it is also packed full of the love and caring you have bestowed on others and the love that they have returned to you.
Oh now Sharyn, I am sure you will die a feisty pain in the ass woman of about 110 who keeps insisting she has a heart condition in spite of medical evidence to the contrary. I think that alot of us who were raised in the 50's, or was it the 60's?, were sold a bill of goods about romantic love. How many couples do you know who have maintained a romantic relationship for life? I don't know many. I really think that is exceptional and not a good model of a sucessful relationship for most of us. Even if you have closure with someone who dies it is still very difficult, without it there are even more things you wish were said. Lately I have been struck with how much we don't know about each other, I mean everyone hides stuff, and it's that stuff that that people hide you really want to know more about after they are gone. But you can't. That is what makes it so hard. Anyway, I think from now on all you have to do is clutch at your chest and look distressed and your boys will do anything you want, not that they wouldn't anyway.
Oh and I also think it might be good to get used to the idea that someone is going to be looking up you wazoo every ten years. It's just prudent. It helps you get to 110 and with the great drugs they have, you can't remember a thing.
Hi, Sharyn. I, too, am glad to have you posting again. I paid close attention to what you said about heartbreak. I think it is in the nature of loving. When you really love someone and that person leaves your life for whatever reason, the strong feeling of connection does not disappear. I am another one who learned this as I grew older. Twenty years out from my divorce and it was tougher than I would have thought seeing my ex again at our daughter's wedding. Glad to hear Caleb has become a teaching pirate at the library. Can you tell us more?
Sharyn,
Altho'our hearts are relatively a small organ they do have the capacity for "big love" and lots of it! And it is true that they (hearts) do ache and probably more often than not. I can remember a couple of times my heart actually hurting because of the circumstances at hand. But here I am with still lots of love to give. I suspect that you will live to be at least 101 still dishing out the love to your remarkable family and friends. Me too.
Love and best wishes,
Penny
Jeff in the Birkshires summed it up as did the others
Peace and be well
A person who loves deeply has a hard time understanding those who do not. I have had many friends who have hurt me, people who I would've done anything for. But I realise now that most people are not worthy of my caring, and though I am not spiteful, by guarding my heart I feel that I am stronger and feel better appreciated by those who DO love me... So my heart doesn't break so easily anymore. I had a hard time realising what it was that was important to find in a man, and spent so much time dating people who made me feel the way my father made me feel - inadequate, unworthy, ashamed of my body, face, and abilities. I still struggle with justifying my attraction to certain types of men and not others, but I am trying to choose those who boost my confidence, appreciate my mind, and praise my abilities. Some people just don't have it in their spirit to love unconditionally and selflessly, and the more selfish the world becomes the harder this quality is to find. You are a wonderful women who has blanketed everyone around her with love. Most of all love yourself, you are what this world needs!
((((Sharyn))))
Sharyn,
Your life is not over. Not even close. Even your life as a child, or a woman, or a lover, is not over. There are many great changes and adventures ahead for you as a woman and as a sex object and an adventurer and a wanderer. You've accepted the challenge of being the mother of three sons, and the main economic support, and the strong pillar for them when Jan couldn't be. And you've stayed in Wellfleet and made a great life for yourself, and now you are fighting to help Caleb create a new life in the wreck of the old. But just because you feel, temporarily, like a "little dog following after" doesn't mean that that is really who you are, or who you will always be. You are a shining star, as peg said, in the firmament. You move, and people are attracted to you. Somewhere out there there is a person who is seeking for you and what you have to offer--passionately seeking what you have to give and wanting to give what you have to receive.
Maybe you are in a kind of enforced hibernation right now but this is not the end of the road for you. Keep your head up and your eyes open because the next great love of your life, the next great Siva to your Shakti, is right around the corner.
aimai
Dear Sharyn,
Once again I am struck by the gratitude I hold in my heart for your willingness to open your heart to us so completely. It takes so much energy, grace, humor and will to keep your heart so widely open for such a long time, and at times it naturally feels heavy. You love hard, and that powerful muscle within you keeps pulsing. My prayer for you is that you feel the energy of all who surround you, one way or another, who reflect your heart's radiance back to you. You love hard, and it matters. Much love, Lisa K.
Oh, Sharyn, I love you.
I know you know what I mean when I say I would give anything for us not to have been united as we now are...but as it is, I am honored to be united to such a force as yourself, and to Caleb, and Kai and Max and honored to be my father's daughter.
Please email me @ annaeh@gmail.com, I do not have your email you know the whole business with the phones. I have been brainstorming and would like to share.
LOVE
Anna
And yet, Sharyn, the beauty of this is that you continue to choose to be vulnerable and open your heart, lucky for all of us.
And in the caressing of your children's hearts, you've created beautiful, caring young men. But most importantly you've taught Caleb to open his heart to the unfettered possibility of simple joy!
So take care care of that battered heart of yours, while we continue to hold you in ours.
Jackie in NY
This existence of ours is as transient as Autumn clouds. To watch the birth and death of beings is like looking at the movements of a dance. A lifetime is like a flash of lightning in the sky, rushing by like a torrent down a steep mountain.' We have stopped for a moment to encounter each other, to meet, to love, to share. This is a precious moment, but it is transient. It is a little parenthesis in eternity.
If we share with caring, lightheartedness, and love, we will create abundance and joy for each other. And then this moment will have been worthwhile.
Gautama Buddha
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