I was out with a "new" friend tonight and she spoke of how her husband cut a scallop out of it's shell, determined it was in a heart shape, delicately wrapped it, and brought it home to her. Oh my God... I thought my heart would explode.....in all the years I was married to Jan all I ever wanted was to go the long run...to get, after years of marriage..that heart shaped scallop.

Then I think of Caleb, and how delicate life can be, and I realized again, that all I ever wanted was to have my boys grow old along with me..healthy and complete.

So now I am learning that what we want......and instead what we get..is sometimes just the thing we need........ Because Jan could not love me the way I expected him to... I had to learn to love myself.

Because Caleb cannot give me my future...I have to create it.

In the past weeks, before I turned the corner, I was thinking mostly about death..and how I could slip out of this life with Caleb un- noticed. Now I just want to hang in there, because I realize how our lives are just a blink of the eye...and why not blink it out?
Our greatest impact is in the here and now......our only chance to change things resides in the present.

Caleb got into the truck tonight at dark..drove to So. Fleet to be with his dearest friend Cedar. I followed behind in my truck until the turn off..and kissed a silent goodbye as he turned right and I continued on.......
.and so we must all continue on.