Sunday, September 9, 2007
stumble, stumble, roll
Like all the mothers ( and fathers) I have known... I am also one who is full with prided concerning my children...but since I am a mother I ask - what is this condition of motherhood where you feel often that your hearts beat as one and subsequently bleed as one also? There is no concrete explanation for it but it is a force that is so real that it can be tasted in every kiss you plant on their foreheads as they run out the door, and out of your range of safety. Kai left today - I must say that it is almost in a way easier for me to make it through the week when I am here alone and can bolster myself up and carry on. When the boys are here I am reminded of what was, instead of what is. Max, Jan and Sarah were here today as well and we are watching Caleb like hawks-- a mindful eye always focused on him. Every little shifts in him is like an earthquake to us and it reverberates through the room and makes us fret. We have no explanation as to why he is turning for the worse, but we hang onto hope and look forward to tomorrow when we can loosen the tight grip on our fingers. It may be a urinary infection, it might be a secondary infection, it might be this- it might be that! Living the unknown to us has just become plain ordinary living! So- by the early morn I hope I will have answers to share with you. I hope that the next time the boys come to see me that as they are walking away I am not watching their every move, biting my lower lip in order not to cry; as I begin to cry.
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22 comments:
hey old lady,
I am reminded of what was once told to me by your stinky behind, and that is that you must hit rock bottom before it can get better. But don't worry he will get better. This is a long term thing and we are all here for the long haul, and we all know he will return. So you just relax a little bit and understand he will be fine no matter what.
Much Love
Uncle Judith
p.s. So what is this I hear about nurse judith? Now I know he is in good hands.
My Dear Sharyn,
This is the path one must be willing to walk as Caleb works his "stuff". WE are here supporting, loving, nuturing you as you walk beside your boy...but it is HIS path....he is walking it bravely, and suredly, and to the best of his ability. It must be so very hard for you all to be watching, and not be able to "make it all right". Rest assured, he is in good hands there at MGH, and whether you believe in God, Buddah, the Easter Bunny, there IS a force out there greater than us. Imagine that tender loving force cradleling your son, and watching over him, with the greatest of tender loving care. He is where he needs to be. You are where you need to be, with all your strength, love, hope, wit and charm. Please let us all sustain you when you feel like you cannot take another step, of witness another "procedure".....please let us continue to hold you in Light and Love. Caleb is loved, you are loved....
Peace to you this night, my friend,
Blessings,
Melinda
Dear Sharyn,
This must be excruciating for you. Nothing we can say will make it better. But we are here for you.
love,
Flo
Much love all the way from Harwich (we moved!). Still check a few times a day. Tell the scurvy bastard I miss him.
Love,
Morgan
Sending loving thoughts and prayers to you...
Peg
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoXOXOxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox.
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xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxo..................................heart...................................ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
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Hey Sharyn,
Being one of the fathers you know is a pleasure I am so glad to have! My boys are a part of me as yours are to you. I feel your pain and wished I could make it go away! You have a whole lot of Guardian Angels looking over you and your family. Take a little bit of strength from all of us and you will win this fight!
Kevin
Sharyn,
I know Caled will bounce back as he always seems to do! Keep the faith! Oh to be a mother! Only mothers know that feeling of loving your children that much. I think only a mother's love runs that deep...and I, being a mother, know that feeling all too well. I remember the days before I had my son...living my own life, facing my own fears and consequences, loving but never knowing how much I could... having nothing to lose. Then my boy came along and everything changed. I truly never knew, until he came along, just how much I could love another person! I have always been a loving person but the love I have for my son cannot be compared to anyhting else. Your life becomes just seeing through their eyes. They become your world! You fear for them, cheer for them, dream for them, cherish them, live through them and always love them.
Getting to know you through your blog I have come to know that you are a great mom! I know you are proud of your boys but I know they must be proud of their mom!
So from one mom to another...keep the faith, never let it go. I know it must be so hard, but you must always keep the faith.
with hope always there, I weep with you....it is what mothers do as there is no difference between their pain and ours...
Dear Sharyn,
Your message tonight brings me back about 12 years to my brother's bedside...he was very ill and in the hospital for a long time, and I experienced very much the same roller coster ride that you and your family have been on. There were days of pure joy and laughter at the smallest improvements and yes days of shear heartache and pain at the set backs. (and I remember that it all happened so fast, one day we were up, I'd kiss him goodnight, whisper in his ear, and leaving him looking like an angel, and the very next morning we could be in the pits of hell...)Like you, I became an expert at waiting, at watching, at advocating, and at loving someone so deeply that there was no longer a distinction between who was breathing in and who was breathing out.
Greg wrote this song about that time in my life and I'd like to share it with you-
Driving
I will hold on for you
when the world is letting go
shaking heads and saying no
I will hold on for you.
In this building of bad dreams,
blank walls and strange machines.
Then I cry behind the steering wheel when it's closest to me and it washes right through me
And I'm alone behind the dark windshield, afraid.
There's no driving this pain away.
I will still say the words
in places where no one will speak.
Hesitant and incomplete.
I will still say the words
that reach out like fingers
when silence remembers.
Then I cry behind the steering wheel when it's closest to me and it washes right through me.
And, I'm alone behind the dark windshield, afraid.
There's no driving this pain away.
It's over our shoulder
It came uninvited
Looming like a shadow in the corner of the room.
Huddled together,
together we'll fight it
and find peace in the moment
we can hold onto.
So, my prayers are with you all, and Sharyn, it's ok, it's ok to be afraid, and it's ok to cry, we are all out here huddled together, holding on for you all.
Audrey
Sharyn, From the moment they are born, we love them in a way we never could have anticipated. My younger daughter was recently in the ER for what turned out to be nothing major, but every second she was there, and we were right there with her, felt like eternity. Your strength is amazing, a testament to that mother love. My heart breaks for you, hearing your pain. As always, my prayers are with you.
Amy
Sharyn~
I can't imagine how hard this must be for you...keep holding on, let yourself cry, it sometimes is the best medicine. Caleb will be just fine, this will be a long hard recovery but no one will do it better than him! He's sooo strong, he's definately got you to thank for that. Still praying and thinking abt you guys everyday...
Lots of love,
Claire W.
Larry checking in again Sharyn! I have not commented in awhile but look in everyday. Keep a chin up Sharyn! I don't know what you are going through but hang in there and keep the faith....we, all of us here are with you, your family and Caleb! Better day today I hope.
Larry
Sharyn,
I believe that for each occasion we are given a finite number of tears that must flow. The more you can cry now, the sooner you can face the next day. I have been admiring you and wondering how you can be so positive over so long a period of time...
Let's face it - it sucks! It's worth crying over! It is even necessary to cry over! - I hope the tears give you some relief and wash away all the crap that has been piling up in the last two months. If it helps you to know, I am crying also, and maybe our combined flow will help cleanse the air, and you will face a clear morning sky tomorrow!
Sharyn, I want you to know that I am always there to laugh with you and to cry with you, if necessary. let me know what else I can do!
Lots of love,
Ken
The hills and valleys of a life lived as intensely as yours tend to be steeper and deeper than most. Reach the top, touch the sky, sing with joy. Slide swiftly down, hit the ground, cry for your love. Get up , climb again, the sky is still there, waiting for you, maybe you'll get to sing a little longer each time.
I will wrap my thoughts around you both like warm loving arms. Can you feel them? I cry with you.
peg from PA
Sharyn we love you so much and we are holding Caleb in our hearts and minds all the time. Take care of yourself and try to rest. I wish I could hug you (I know I said that yesterday). Did you know my favorite job ever was working for you that summer? Thanks for giving me the job. Learning gardening and hanging with the boyz was awesome but my favorite part was when I would do something right and you'd be happy you hired me- though you definitely wouldn't get sentimental about it, that's my specialty. you're such a fun person to hang out with, even when I'm not getting paid for it ;-) i miss you and love you! Katie
Best beloved,
Uncle Judith is right--walk in faith; we are walking with you and all my angels are walking with you as well.
Picture him laughing and giving you the world's greatest hug (Caleb's own speialty)in disbelief that you ever could have been so afraid for him.
Love,
El
Hi there
The bond is the strongest connection in the world, that feeling of anticipation and apprehension even when they have a cold, sleep in late or seem more tired than usual. Be strong, I continue to pray and hope the pain, both yours and Calebs eases soon and the progress continues..Ali Dewsnap-Cooper, Manchester UK
Caleb is still in our prayers! Robin & Priscilla
Prayers are coming even stronger in hopes to keep Lebster afloat in health, and strength. Sharyn, allow yourself to cry.. it is a good release, and completely human. Keep the faith that Caleb will heal, as you know well by now simply, there are ups and downs to recovery, but there is nothing better for him to have you, and the rest of his family & friends by his side.. give thanks for that! The more pain he encounters the more strength he will gain in the end. Caleb has endured a lot of pain, and struggle throughout his recovery, but is coming out a warrior!
Love you.. Xo.
Sharyn, Come what may you and Caleb are held up by very many people here and all over the world. My grandson Sam (10) asks about Caleb and checks the blog regularly so the circle is very broad and deep. We all think of him and you constantly.
jack
Sharyn,
This has to stop sometime! This has got to be the last bug! We continue to hold you close to us and in our prayers! Imagine my arms around you, wonderful friend of mine. You are not alone in this. Every loving mother aches right along with you. Some day this will all be a distant memory!
Keep the faith and stay strong!
Love, as always, Sue
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