Spudly was dignified till the end.... shook his head and insisted on standing even after the vet administered the shot which should have taken him down.
I was impressed.

My friend Anne passed this to me to read to the boys while we buried him.
Old dogs have stood the test of time and event and circumstance. They come now slowly, and lay at the foot or close to side, jowls flat, eyes faded with fog of cataract, their muzzles and paws white or speckled salt and pepper. But they come. They want to be close. They are great treasures, these old dogs. For they are more than themselves lying there. They are us.

Christmas was wonderful in spite of our loss...we decided it that way..we chose it...to laugh, to smile at each other,to hold dearly and tightly that which has come to mean the most...just us being together.
Caleb continues to impress; just like his old dog. He fights each day to re-gain some sort of understanding. He remembers more. He laughs louder and more often.
He too is a fighter.
I will remember how he beat the odds when I am low, how he smiled when he was tethered to his bed, and I will shake my head and insist on standing when I feel I can't do this anymore. These are the lessons I walk away with,.................... and I walk, and I walk, and I walk.


Blessings to all of you in the year to come.

Max and I were sitting outside on the back stoop looking out over the property...he was seven. A friend of mine drove up, parked in the side yard and walked toward us with 7 puppies gathered at his ankles, running around his legs yapping away. I remember leering at him..knowing that he knew... and I knew that we would end up with a puppy that day.
Max was thrilled when I told him he could choose one. We carefully studied each of them. I had my hopes set on a blonde.. but one dark little guy had the smarts enough to crawl up behind Max and take a bite. Max decided that the puppy chose him...and there was Spud...named by a friend who thought he looked like a fat little potato.

Tomorrow we put him down. The decision had to be made.
Like an old friend..Spud and I have traveled far and wide together. We have walked most of Wellfleet; crazy long walks especially after my separation, Jan's death, Caleb's accident. He helps me to think clearly; to calm myself by just following his footsteps as he bravely trudges forward with no judgments or opinion. He has been my friend.
My sons love him dearly and rub his head while silently whispering their individual love song to him, all the while knowing that tomorrow they will dig the hole he will be placed in.

And like an old friend..I have been annoyed at him at times, have scolded him, have been bothered by him and have ignored him too....but when the time comes when you know you will never be in the presence of that being again...your heart breaks with the thoughts of all that you should have said, could have said, or could have done.

Now the interesting part to me is that I am a trained farm girl..we don't get attached to animals..they only serve a purpose on the farm...but I can't seem to stop crying. Perhaps it is finally the flood that had to be held back with Caleb, the tangled deluge that was not allowed with Jan.

Spud..Thank you for allowing me to let go of all the things I have held so tightly in... as always, you are my ally. Sleep in Heavenly Peace.

Christmas

I love Christmas. I love the smell, the feel, the doing,the action verb of Christmas. I like the decorating; to please the eye, the wrapping; to please the mind, the music; to soothe the soul. Perhaps if we were all this busy being kind and thinking about ways we could make a difference to someone else all year round, the world would change.
On that note, I have collected 600.00 for my young friend and have been able to send a thank you to all but two- Lou Roy who is a stellar woman...and a truly anonymous donor who tucked money into my mailbox without a note. Thank you. all you lovely ones who sent your hearts desires. I know for fact that money is not the end all when you are under intense duration...but sometimes it really just does help...if for no other reason than to allow yourself to know that someone out there is aware of you, and cares!
I spend my days listening to the coming and goings of major trucks now on my silent little road. The new owners?... People with big money who research properties to find loopholes in titles and then win big in court. They rape the land that was so tender and dear...so fragile and clear in it's intention to be simple and country. This has brought me around to contemplating the spirit of life and it's meaning to me. Now, if I could take back time I would only ask for the simple things in life..not the fancy cars, not the properties in tandem...but for the God intentioned things which we expect to be the norm. Life...and a smile, and simplicity. Sons and daughters who like to be together because their parents have nurtured this in them...family, family this is it!
If I sat in Santas' lap today I would beg, with teary, big blue eyes ...for a brain that returns, for an ex- husband to be here on Christmas day, no matter what our differences....I would ask for a smile that is genuine because I now know how life can turn on a dime and be different and trying each and every day...Know what you have, count on your fingers the moments in a day that you have joy, and if you don't have it; find pieces of it in your discontent..it is always there behind a shadow of doubt.

Never to be underestimated....the power of words. Never to be belittled..the kind gesture, or pat on the back; never to be taken for granted...the smile of someone who cares. Always a lovely surprise to have a former policeman stop traffic to let me know he read my post.. stopping traffic as he encourages me to stay strong. Thank you for helping to pull me through..all you gentle, heroic giants out there. You along with that the powerfully resonating words of my mother. " When you are down..just find someone to help who is worse off than you are." ( OH, wise woman that you were! ) And they can always be found; those whose lives are falling behind and unnoticed.
So I placed my attentions and intentions on a young girl who is going through the same Brain Injury process as Caleb here on the Cape. She was a passenger in a car accident...She is petite and smart and was active and lively...she now is confined to a wheel chair, keeps her head and eyes bent toward the ground. Barely speaks. Her mother is a single mom who works at least 10 hours a day...so her daughter sits alone most days at home trying I imagine, to remember what went wrong..and why her. She is 17 after all.
She reminds me of the Sexton girl; fair haired, soft and beautiful, so much promise..it could have just as easily been her.
I remember speaking to you about random acts of kindness...those things we do without any thanks, or even acknowledgment...and so this holiday season I am trying on a new hat. I am now a philanthropist..and guess what..you are too. I wish to help this young lady in the worst way...so I will be taking from Caleb's generous amount of fundraising dollars and paying it forward.
I realized something very valuable in this process...I have it all! I am healthy, Caleb still smiles, Kai and Max are glued to my side when needed...I have my strong women friends, I have my silent, sturdy male friends. I have Aunt Carol, Uncle Ray and the rest of my blood in Ohio. I have you! I have love...and I have learned to love me. I am indeed in the lifeboat...but I am still singing!
So I am not accustomed to asking for help- but I am doing it now. I would ask that any of you who still want to help us, and I know there are many..to pay it forward to my young, dear friend who needs it more...much more! If you send checks to a favorite charity for the holidays; please consider this one.
Spend some of what my mother always referred to as your "moldy money"..and pass it along.
I know I am begging...but those of you who have not lived through this, who still have your healthy children heading off to college, expecting a baby, saying their first words, having their first heartbreak...you ..you who have that ....still have it all!
I am taking liberties here..but help if you can. I don't want to breach confidentiality...so you're going to have to trust me on this one.... please make a check out to me..Sharyn Lindsay...I will put it into an account and collect it to be sent anonymously for Christmas...believe me..if you can spare only one dollar -- it will count!

Now in parting ..another word from another wise mother" I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much."
Mother Teresa. Humanitarian.


45 Sapokonish Wellfleet Ma 02667people

OK... so no words in a while. I feel as if I am a skipping record...good, then bad, good, then bad, and good again...skip. skip. skip..and then bad. I am frustrated, happy to be alive, frustrated, yet at the same time happy to watch a sunset, a then once again..... frustrated to be here again...a woman who is not any longer who she thought herself to be. I am the white bread existence of the formerly full grain bread kind of healthy person who I used to be. Life is no longer the picnic it used to be. And I must sound like a skipping record which begins to bore you, and even me... a slowly played over version stuck in grove..almost trying to convince you to toss me to the garbage pile where I belong. .... I recall this same experience as a young mother who could talk of nothing but my stunning young children ..till I noticed no-one was listening ...to the older more mature woman who noticed, once again that no-one wanted to hear of my old, sad tales of my woe-begone marriage...to now, where everyone wants to hear only of Caleb's fore-ward movements ( which are still happening) , but miss the stuckendess of where he really resides. I am a mixed bags of emotions which can not be described in 50 words or less. I am lonely and sorry....in spite of my new found mood elevators....and just plain ole missing Caleb.

I must have walked by that B bus parked at Stop and Shop a thousand times over the course of the years, and never paid it any attention till today. I went searching for it, payed Caleb's fare and off he went independently to school. Now let me explain a little about the emotions I continuously go through in these situations....elation for one, knowing that Caleb is even able to do this, anger because this trip which usually takes 40 min from door to door will now take 1hr and 45 min because of all the stops....and these are disabled people riding this bus. Helplessness knowing that he will have to find his way to the classroom that he could not remember the last 3 times I drove him...and so then how will he find the bus coming back? Tenderness for the fragility of life that most people walk around not even aware of. Of course as I walked Caleb to the opened door, a young mother and tow headed little boy passed by reminding me, like a long, low punch in the gut, that I too was once full of wonder and contentment about all 3 of my sons, proud and smiling, walking unaware. It is a push/pull, tug of war in my heart almost every moment of the day. Blessings that we are still here to witness it, but shredded at the corners, and a bit tattered in our hearts.

Caleb's first day at college, and my stomach was rolled tighter than a joint!
So I sat with my back to the "real" world outside the cafeteria where all the students stood fashionably dressed, flirting and trading high fives, and watched Caleb and his new gang walk by, unnoticed. But I noticed that simultaneously two worlds could collide and smile and move forward, find new friends and find themselves, each at their own pace. So I sat (as I did when Caleb first went off to preschool) by the window and watched with trepidation, worry and concern till he turned towards me with the biggest grin on his face, and laughter in his eyes. And just as I did when he went off alone at age six, full of excitement and full of promise ....I wept.

CBS

For those of you who looked for us on Wed. morning show- we were bumped for the lady who got attacked by the monkey. "Breaking news" they called it. Otherwise I could have claimed that I was on the morning show with Michael Douglas and the President! I will let you know when they might be airing again, but then again, I could get bumped for a gorilla riding cowboy! Go figure.
We are well. Caleb was accepted, and will begin college classes in September. Project Forward is a spin-off from the Community College and accepts disabled persons into life teaching skills classes. I am thrilled for him, although his complaining sounds just like he did when he was 7. " School again?"

computer crash

Sorry - I have been out of commission with a broken computer. Funny how life comes to a halt without our newest toys around.
I finally held Caleb's yard sale last week and we made an amazing $5000.00...much more than I ever expected. Thanks to all who donated and to those who purchased. So now I am on the look-out for a ride which will transport Caleb and friends to different events. We are well on our way to a different kind of life.
If any of you chance to see it- we will be on CBS's early morning show this Wed. talking about life with TBI.
Kai just took off for burning man in Nevada..a badly deeded and well deserved break, Max is holding down the fort with me. Aunt Carol has been a life-saver this summer, taking Caleb for many spells so I could have some down time. I am looking forward to the fall with new energy and happier outlooks. With three years time under my belt, life does seem to collect itself and dishes out small pleasures...but pleasures non the less.....and I am living still in no mans land..but surviving.

I am grateful for the rain that fell last evening. It's refreshing and reminds me of why I love this Earth...the smells, the birds, the flowers laden with moisture and bending in a bow to me as I walk down the garden aisles and pass them this morning. Caleb had his first week of being back on the tides, and I imaging his elation feels to him like the rain feels to me. He has come home from digging with his brothers and Richard feeling hungry and so very tired, but the look on his face reminds me of the Old Caleb, and speaks to me of how very clearly he is still in there.
I wonder why sometimes that we were singled out to have this new life we have, why Caleb had to transform into someone new, why my smile does not reach the corners that it used to. There have been many a days where I could not fault Jan for leaving us in the way that he did...I too have come to understand that bottomless pit feeling, but on mornings like this I am glad that I am still here to witness miracles...even if they are just the beauty of a rainfall, or the smile on Caleb's face which is as brilliant as the sun that warms me.. Blessings

It has been three years now since that phone call came that catapulted me into the pit of despair that I have been diligently climbing out of ever since. It has transformed my little family of four into new people, hardly recognizable to me sometimes. There is a yawning gap between who we were, and who we have become, and are still becoming because of Caleb's accident. I am ever so proud of the boys and how they have handled responsibilities flung at them from all corners, accepted a mom who has been nothing short of distant at times, and have found peace with a father who resides now in their memories.
As I sat across the breakfast table from Caleb this early morning, I raised my coffee cup to his orange juice in a toast. " Caleb, your dignity through these past three years has been nothing short of miraculous. I am so happy that you determined to fight instead of giving up. I love that I am holding a warm hand, because it could have been so easily a cold body that I was touching for the last time. Thank you for being so brave."
A cloud shadowed his eyes making his face look ominous, clandestine.
Then he raised his glass higher and after a pregnant pause replied " Mom, I am trying to eat my breakfast"

Life goes on....and on...and on.

Happy fourth of July.

My life moves forward by simple inertia of willpower alone. It is a lonely place, this one I reside in. The reality sets in and bites a hole out of you...and the boys suffer in the frames of their eyes. But Caleb remains steady and lovely. Today a young man got out of his car after parking in my drive and from a distance ask if he could park there. Not seeing as well as I once did, I replied yes, of course thinking that he was here to visit. He wisked out his bike and was off before I could correct my mistake. I had the usual conversation with myself..who does he think he is?..I don't even know him! I will leave a note on his car so he won't do that again..blah, blah, blah. I quized Caleb on who he might be, because in his brief time here Caleb managed to walk over and say hello...adding more to my confusion of who he was. When I asked him if he recognized the fellow he said no, just some guy out for a ride..".but mom if you just go over and say hello, you will know him too"...simple as that. And I am once more reminded by Caleb that life is too short to be short ..with tempers, with judgement, with anger.
We struggle, we do..and every day I have to set the intention to make it through. But Caleb reminds me of goodness..always goodness.

They travel in tandem Toyota trucks under a taylored moon meant just for them...Kai and Max joining forces..unordinary for my youngest sons...each of them having a connection to Caleb, but not one to another..too close in age, and siding with a parent in their soul and body..so they have to reach, and reach far for one another to understand. Kai, who is more like me...and Max like his dad...an ever so slight tear in the mesh.. there is a discomfort to notice.....but times have called them forth..they reach to understand and discover the balance of who they are under that moon who guides them and beckons...come with me, come with me. No easy task...it is the harder path...but they walk it now willingly. Perhaps they will find themselves in eachother, minus Caleb pulling them in orbit onward in peace. The one who would bring them together is silent, and watching in hope.

I spot one lightning bug in my garden, and I smile with delight..a remembrance of days gone by, when on the farm we would, as children, catch them by the dozens and sometimes ( and I shudder at this thought) we would tear the sparkle off of them still glowing and attach them to our ring finger shining like a diamond..dreaming of the day we would receive this as a gift from the one we loved. I received this sparkle from Jan at the age of 28, and like the firefly, I thought we would glow forever.

When one dies at his own hand, it is a difficult subject to bring up..especially on a birthday. So I drove with Caleb to the beach today...and I spotted a rose..which I suspect Kai has delivered..a sprig of green, left perhaps by Red..a spray of sand deposited by Ellen...a remembrance from his first wife Marcia...a thought and praise dropped by Sarah..a twig left by Beals..who knows really...but I think all the players were there..and now I call Max who is down with a twisted and a painful ankle...and even he has gimped to the beach in honor of his dad. I am learning that love is not exclusive. I thought my love for him was the one and only...but others have loved as well...and I feel for him, as I do for my boys...that the more people who have loved you..well, all the better. I wanted to be exclusive to him, like the firefly's glowing body on my ring finger, glowing with the promise of love...but love was big for me, and even bigger for Jan. Happy birthday to one who was loved among many. I loved you in the best way I knew possible. ..I only wished it had been enough.

I was young, full of promise, full of myself and ripe with pregnancy,which seemed to suit me like a wearing a fine kid glove. I remember walking down the road that day, 28 years ago, and then realizing that I had gone into labor. I had unusual labors with all three of my sons, fast and furious, and in 45 minutes ..there would be a child. My friend Jodi teases that "Oh, Sharyn just hiccups and says Oh it's a boy!" But back to the walk. By the time I neared the house I was crawling on all fours. Jan was building the home we would live in, we were camped out in a small cottage on the property with no running water, no electricity, and in between the screeches of the saw blade, I was screeching his name, to no avail. The primary midwife was called and did not make it on time, but the water was boiled on the grill because Jan thought he had to boil water, I gave birth to a blonde, blued eyed boy by flashlight in a cabin, in the woods, His spirit was born on that day as well. Adventuresome, fearless, determined, fated but free.

Happy birthday Caleb...you will always remain as dear to me as the very first time our eyes locked in love.

Sometimes you just wake up and wonder why. Why this fate, why this life? Why me? I have been hesitant to write as of late because I have felt I was decieving you, but mostly myself... and not wanting to write non-truths, I instead just did not write at all. So many frustrations have cropped up along with my spring flowers so that I feel I have a field of dissapointments. I began to write about all my happenings and moving forward, which in so many ways we have done...but the truth remains...and no other holiday reminds me more than Mother's day, the truth remains that I am reminded on a second to second basis.. just how fragile life is.. how so many of us never felt anything could ever happen to our loved ones...and then a few of us get singled out..and life changes so radically from that point on. The truth is that in spite of moving on and getting hailed for doing "great things", I am still stuck in such an unbelievable saddness...I miss my old Caleb so very much. Caleb goes to town and everyone tells me how wonderfully he is doing..and yes, he is. But the behind the scenes goes something like this... I wake early to have just a moment of my time before the day begins with Caleb..but he is keen on my movements and my presence, and he wakes earlier than before...so there goes that moment of peace. He needs to be reminded of the most simple things each day, like changing a shirt after a shower, the most basic things..and I feel like a bitch having to bark orders at him..a brain injured person; still it all gets so old after awhile. One would think that going out in a crowd would be pleasant, a distraction at least...but it is the proverbial knife in the back feeling when I see his old friend shun him for a more interesting, fast paced conversation. Jennie visited with the news that she has a new man, a new life...something I knew had to happen ( but Og God, the pain in his eyes) Each night is play cards, play cards, play cards....I am worn and sad and tired of this game..of all of it. In the vein of moving forward, I did manage to get him into a day program in Yarmouth, but Mass Health denied his transportation...so I drove him to and from till I realized it was defeating the purpose of having some time alone. Money dwindles daily. Life just is not that fun anymore. Someone said to me that it is our God given right to "have a life"...but is it really? Because when you are faced with the reality of a disabled child, your life becomes theirs..no other way around it, thank you very much!
I am trying, struggling to find peace with this.. I am worried sick about Caleb's future...nothing that I attempt seems to come to fruition because of one road block or another...it is wearing at best.....Still I am reminded that just as you are at the lowest point, the answer comes walzing around the corner...so I hold on, and hold on, and hold on in anticipation. These are my truths.. a mixed bag daily of small grins and big dissapointments...of asking why over and over again. Now I feel more honest, and I thank you allowing it, encouraging it.
Happy mother's day to all mothers ( and fathers who take their place). It is a spiritual gift...and one that I plan to learn accept gracefully, no matter what the situation. Sharyn

Jan's anniversary always hangs heavily over us.
I came across an article printed shortly after Caleb's accident where Jan was quoted saying " we expect a full recovery" and I was astonished with his directness and his confidence in Caleb. Where I have faultered and lost my way so many times over the past years...he, on some level, was convinced that Caleb would be fine.
I sat in bed late night, last night pondering this and have come to the conclusion that Jan's strength has asked of me to reconsider my position, to look at my lack of faith ..and to turn it around. That quote has made me realize how much I fret, how much I worry, how much I fear..and in doing so, am I not really attesting to a lost faith in Caleb?
So today I have made up my mind to trust the process, to think outside of the box, to really believe in this boy whom I love and know well enough to know that he, and he alone possesses the ability to heal..and I need only to get out of his way.
Thank you Jan! God Bless.

Finally a moment to catch up with you . Caleb and I hit the ground running when we got back from Portsmouth. Spring is in the air...and so, so very much to do. First of all my cutting garden. Long Pond Farm is the chosen name..and I thank you for all the wonderful, interesting thoughts on what to call it, but this resonated with me. But the best part is that I have decided to try to put together a house full of Brain Injured people in what was once my home, so that Caleb will have a social structure and a life that does not always include just me. This inspiration came from a young man who used to work for me long ago who stopped me in the street and gave me a beautifully carved sign which read... The Potter's room. It was a "sign" to me. A room for Mr. Potter and all who would join him on this new life adventure. So ..we will kick off a celebration...I think on Caleb's birthday.... May 31st to try to raise money for a car which can transport many.. through the many efforts of my friends . A yard sale is in order - perhaps you have something you would donate...that chair in the basement you no longer need..a collection of old bottles, a vase from grandma that you feel guilty about parting with, but secretly hate...I hope to see all of you from near -- or far. I am totally excited about this "life after death" feeling which has been creeping up on us, promising a better life for all under this roof. I will keep you posted...while you hopefully can collect items for our sale! Love ya, S

Home again, home again. Giggidy, gigg!

I have returned to the
Cape a transformed woman.

Being around TBI survivors for a month has been so inspirational. Evey word out of their mouths changed the story of the world for me, revised the original version. Through their stories, their narrative, creative seeds burst into life. I felt I was perched on the crest of a mountain, rethinking everything I have always known to be, and feeling ripe.
The most astonishing memory that I will keep tucked in my heart, is the fact that none of these survivors...not the ones in wheel chairs, not the girl who cannot speak, not the ones with limps or scars across their faces, not the one who lost his football scholarship because of a drunk driver......not a one of them ...ever...ever complains! The effect of their stories is a medicine that has greased and oiled and hoisted the pulleys of my heart into healing.
Caleb's accident, if I give pause to think about it, has offered me a gift.

He has granted me a little piece of magic.

In a week from tomorrow, Caleb and I will be heading home to our beloved Fleet. I must say that in a very short amount of time, this has easily become our second home. The people here are so welcoming, and we love romping around town sighting familiar faces, and knowing just where we are going. It is such a do-able little town. Caleb has done really well here, and I have garnered many ideas for what I want to create when I get home. First thing will be to get him set up as more of an independent person, without mom around all the time. I see how he has flourished when he has been forced to decide on his own, without me hovering. It has been a real learning curve for me to witness this program, and how life can be for Caleb. I look forward to positive change, the comforts of home, and being closer to Max. Kai and Liz are having a blast. They sent me a letter with the return address "somewhere on the road"...and it struck me...that this is where I find we all reside these days.

NH Visit: A Post from Sky

Last weekend my mom (Anne) and I went to visit Caleb and Sharyn in Portsmouth. They are staying in the Sise Inn Carriage House so we made reservations for a room in the main building. We had a wonderful time bopping around town, window shopping, going out for lunch and later to a movie. Here are a few photos to give a visual sense of Caleb and Sharyn's home away from home.


Welcome to Portsmouth!


The Carriage House


Just around the corner in downtown Portsmouth


Anne & Sharyn doing a little window shopping


Over the bridge/"Warning: Excessive Noise, Loud Exhausts"


Caleb and Sharyn in front of The Krempels Brain Injury Foundation


Caleb with classmates and interns at Krempels

Some lives are like the sunset, and some are new beginnings....Caleb was at the top of a mountain yesterday in full snowboard gear. For the very first time his mother got to watch Caleb experiencing what he considers the sport he was born for. The adaptive program crew who worked with him took him initially to the small slope for cautionary reasons, then quickly whisked him off to the top of the mountain proclaiming he was ready..and was he ever! For me, watching
Caleb fly down the mountain with sheer pleasure and freedom from his new constaints was pure joy! His movements fluid, his speed incredible, his self-assuridness..unbelievable.... but the smile on his face..oh, the smile on his face! We are liking this area very much, miss all of our old familiar faces, but have begun to collect new ones here. Diane, the Inn keeper...soft and caring. Anita who I could romp with the rest of my life who works the desk and makes me laugh. Pete..well isn't there always a Pete in each and every town? The big, unassuming, gentle giant who cracks Caleb up all the while doing his repairs around the place, and keeps us on our toes. We are settling in and find our pace.
The program at Krempels is exellent. The adorable young men and women there are inspirational to say the least. Lindsay with the face of an angel and a personality to match, and Brie is as rich and creamy as the cheese which shares her name. She has a computer which when typed into will speak out the words she wishes to say..so she sits next to Caleb and keeps him entertained with a little sparkle in her eye, I am noticing. There is John who works out with Caleb and Michael who is convinced he will drag us off to church with him...they all have the presence of angels and have none of those nasty habits of ignoring or belittleing, or rushing, or judging. They all have lived through hell for one reason or another, and they smile and care and love in a way I have not witnessed before. I am truely honored to be a part of this. I drop Caleb three times a week and find that I have to search my brain for things to do alone, so long has it been that I have had this option. Today I search out the perfect little Valentines to send home to Max and Lara. Kai and Liz will have to do with a kiss blown through the phone lines for now. We are both good, smiling a bit more, freer from the restrictions of feeling stuck, and moving forward..moving forward. ...Some lives are like sunsets......and some have new beginnings.

Portsmouth

Wow! We have been here exactly two days..and I cannot say enough about how happy we are to be here. As is the Potter/Lindsay style..we have walked for hours and hours determined to know our new digs..Caleb enjoyed a first day at Krempels with new friends...if you have ever looked into the eyes of a survivor..you have had a glimpse of God. These warm, lovely people are so welcoming, so open, so full of love. I felt like I had sent Caleb off to preschool first day again..he was uncertain, a bit afraid, not convinced I would return..and two young men escorted him away from me, tears welling..all the while assuring Caleb that they would take good care of him. I feel blessed. We are bowling this afternoon..me with the bumpers.saw a movie last night...and we have tickets to the Whalers for tomorrow eve...and a line-up of things we want to do. I feel like we have landed in our home away from home.
Kai is on the road safely staying with an old boyfriend of mine..Max and Lara are making plans to come join us here and Max promises to show us up at bowling. In short, this excursion was just what we needed. Caleb, I think will discover his tribe, and I will sleep well knowing that all of you are tucking us in each night with thougts of peace. Blessings, Sharyn

Dear Emm, Faithful follower of this blog- thank you!

This morn..lying in bed..listening, just listening to Kai as he moves around the house. He is up early, packing the last few items for the road trip which begins today..I am pressing his voice to my brain, and his movements to my soul. He is talking to the cats, gently separating them from their spat in his kind and thoughtful way. His voice is on the line with Liz; soft, reassuring, confident. He will be picking her up soon. I can barely remember the time when I let my sons go out the door without the black coat of fear engulfing me., I always had a healthy dose of mother's concerns lined up ...but now I know what can happen..what does happen to ordinary people, with ordinary lives, and I am flooded with fears. I attempt to etch his eyes into mine, so that I will be able to conjure them up if need be. I am joyous and fretful at the same time. And then I am whisked back in time to that very same feeling. A newborn comes wrapped in a soft, white blanket. His fingers fold around mine. He looks into my eyes...and I recognize this...this joyous, fretfullness of being a mother and knowing so deeply that life will somehow never again be the same.

I return to the house and find his note...there is always a note. He tells Caleb to enjoy snowboarding..he is at his purest on the slopes ...and that he will heal. He tells Max to do something which makes him smile each day-the only thing worth doing. He tells me to remember to breathe in the winter air. There is nothing like it . He tells me to keep us together in thought- we are all we have.
And he reminds me that he will be back home just as the bravest of the greens begin to emerge.


God speed, my son.

I am sorry if I offended any one of you out there reading my last post.. In this writing I only ever speak of my experiences..not what others have . I am only sad I never had the experience of having a partner who was as involved as you men who join me here.


This is a busy week of packing..we leave on Sunday for Portsmouth. Max's kitty goes back home in a day or so, and it looks like Kai and Liz will be heading out in their adorable little home on wheels by Wed. I am excited about the possibilities for all of us.

In my office where I sit to commune with you, there is a picture that my friend Claus took of me right after my separation from Jan. Claus had a huge circular opening between one room and another, and I sit perched in that opening looking like I am a little bird ready to take flight. I can tell you that this is just how I feel now..ready to leap off into the unknown, knowing that I am doing the right thing. A little afraid, but certain I will be richer for the experience. This change will be so good for the two of us and I will keep you posted on how we do.

The field for flowers is prepared for it's planting when I return, and the promise of change is in the air. I am content for the very first time in a very long time!

I don't have grandchildren, but Max and Lara have allowed me to take care of their new kitten, Pancake, for the weekend, which I feel must be the next best thing. I follow his every move. Watch his wiskers catch the cobwebs I thought I had sucked up in every corner with the vacuum, check to see if our big boof is picking on him, scold Spud when he gets too near, and follow the ups and downs of his breath as he sleeps. Once a mother, always a mother!
So I have been examining myself a bit lately. I had dinner with an old boyfriend - who has followed the blog and wanted to touch base. A stellar man to say the least...and I was self conscious to say the least. I remember standing in his kitchen, in my tight long dress..showing off my perfict figure, my fine tuned body from the many hard core workouts I was accustomed to. Now I am at least 20 pounds overweigt from the stress accumulated over 3 years, I have boobs for Gods sake and lines streaked across my face that were never there before...and in truth? ... I feel more certain, more me, more beautiful (inside) than I have ever before felt-- because I know , finally, who I am. I am a woman who knows love, and knows how to love, and knows how to "feel". This situation allows for re- assesement of priorities. It is like with the kitten. We women are the caregivers of the world. We watch your every move, watch as you collect troubles and get weighed down, see if you are safe, and sneak into your room at night, or role over to see if your breathing is ...to see if your breating IS! Sleep peacefully, knowing that the women in your life take care of you!

Well this mother could not be happier...I have been smiling inside and out for the past few days. Caleb, Kai, Cedar and Ennie went snow boarding on Friday. We were all anticipating that Caleb would have trouble and would be limited to the bunny slopes...but he was having none of that. Kai reports that at the top of the mountain, seconds after hopping off the lift, Caleb snapped into his board and took off with an anxious Cedar, Kai, and Ennie trailing behind and trying to catch up. When Kai said
" Caleb, it looks as tho you have never been away from the mountain, you board exactly the same way"..a confident Caleb replied " I was born for this!" I could only watch this senario from the window of my mind, but what an glorious sight I have pictured there. It is one of the first times that I truely believed that we will soar from here on out!
I am making my packing list for our move to Portsmouth. Susan( Blogger from Portsmouth) has contacted me, and I will look her up to get the layout of the town, and perhaps have a friend to hang with, but high up on the list of packing items will be Caleb's board. This turn of events has made life seem bearable again, easier, lighter....and I am grateful today for all that I have...I get that sneaking feeling that we will all be fine.
Thank you for being with us, as always ..mumsie

Sorry to be so tardy- but I have been busy moving forward. Caleb and I have checked out a day program in NH..Portsmouth to be exact..and we will be moving there in February so that he can be with his tribe..and snow board on week-ends , and I will be attending care-givers meetings, so I will be with my new tribe as well.
I spoke to a woman who has worked in the field of brain inury for quite some time now, and she tells me of parents who, 20 years later are still stuck in such pain over the accident of their child, or loved one...and I am determined not to be one of these people- tho I do understand how it is that I could easily become morose over this situation... and I do not blame those who cannot move in a different direction. I just don't want this to be my path.
Our lives have now changed so dramatically, and I am thinking about how failure, in any situation, seems to strip away the unessential...and makes you focus on what it is that you do want. Somehow, not protecting my child from harms way wreaks of failure, but I am determined to walk out of this hell hole in one piece.....a changed, and different woman who loves in spite of pain, in spite of fear, in spite of dissapointment..and one who moves forward because her son bekons forth.