Saturday, November 6, 2010
OK... so no words in a while. I feel as if I am a skipping record...good, then bad, good, then bad, and good again...skip. skip. skip..and then bad. I am frustrated, happy to be alive, frustrated, yet at the same time happy to watch a sunset, a then once again..... frustrated to be here again...a woman who is not any longer who she thought herself to be. I am the white bread existence of the formerly full grain bread kind of healthy person who I used to be. Life is no longer the picnic it used to be. And I must sound like a skipping record which begins to bore you, and even me... a slowly played over version stuck in grove..almost trying to convince you to toss me to the garbage pile where I belong. .... I recall this same experience as a young mother who could talk of nothing but my stunning young children ..till I noticed no-one was listening ...to the older more mature woman who noticed, once again that no-one wanted to hear of my old, sad tales of my woe-begone marriage...to now, where everyone wants to hear only of Caleb's fore-ward movements ( which are still happening) , but miss the stuckendess of where he really resides. I am a mixed bags of emotions which can not be described in 50 words or less. I am lonely and sorry....in spite of my new found mood elevators....and just plain ole missing Caleb.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
11 comments:
Sharyn, hang in there. You're allowed to continue to mourn your losses and Caleb's losses. Remember to keep taking care of yourself and allow yourself some pampering. Caleb is destined for great things in this new life he lives, I just know it. I have directed many parents of young adults with ABI to your blog and they all have given me the feedback that they are moved and inspired by Caleb's story and your story. You give hope to so many, even at these times when you feel deflated.
Sharyn,
Aren't we all in some way broken records? Yes, your record has some deeper, sadder grooves than many records, but we all obsess in our one way about the ups and downs in our lives.
You can share whatever you want to share. Of course, we want to hear the happy stories. That's just human nature. But we are here for the frustration as well.
Winter's coming...never a help for the moods. Hang in there.
Amy from western MA
sending love to you, dear sharyn. xo
The writer tells many stories; some happy and some sad; some that seem to have no ending and those that seem to repeat a theme seen many times before. Some that voice frustration, regret and grieve loss and some that grasp at the simplest joy that is the light and promise.
So why do they still come to listen that seems to be what you ask?
Because this is the story of life that you so opening and eloquently share. Your story is so different from the bragging parent that I never would make the comparison.
Life is rarely a straight line. It is filled with joys and sorrows and unending threads. Edges that are raw to the touch and seems to reopen old wounds. Yours is a story of expression of feelings deep within your soul that resonate with thoughts and struggles and challenges and joys of so many, even though the specifics are different.
In your living and voicing this journey, with some of its painful jagged edges, you unknowingly touch the hearts of so many who come to listen, to follow. Not to be entertained or to wait for the spikes of happiness, but to just bear witness, to solemnly share this human experience.
That full grain bread that you once were, is still deeply a part of you. I believe it is just masked by all the focus for Caleb that is so much before you. It will again reveal itself even richer than before.
As you grieve for the loss of the ole Caleb I tear up by these thoughts. I feel for your loss and for his of what was.
You have been finding your way step by step and Caleb finding his life step by step. I believe you can find the balance that will allow Caleb to thrive with a different kind of independence and for you to discover that richness that is within you and waits patiently to emerge also in a new way.
Warm thoughts of peace to you!
Whether you skip or not, I like to listen to you. Thanks for checking in.
NY/Wellfleet Mom
What lovely thoughts your friends have left here; your honesty is appreciated. This is a true story and you are recording it faithfully. Keep writing it beautifully; it is helping.
Sharyn, when I was 5 years old, my Dad had a spinal surgery that went horribly wrong. It left him paralyzed from the waist down, in constant pain, with many medical complications. He lived that way until he died, eight years later. My Mom was his caretaker.
I was too young to appreciate what she was going through, but I vividly remember her locking herself in the bathroom and crying for long stretches. She was a strong woman, and not one given to behavior like that; but she, like all of us, had limits as to what she could endure.
You've proven time and again that you are strong. You have nothing to prove to the world, nor to us here, nor to anyone. You're in an indescribably stressful situation, one that would wear on the soul of even the strongest among us.
As for what the world wants to hear... who cares? Sure, there are shallow people about who may only want to hear 'happy news' but they are the very people who would break apart if they woke to find themselves in a situation like yours.
You mustn't beat yourself up. I think you've learned in the years since Caleb's accident that there are many people who care about you. Reach out. Talk through it. Nobody wants to 'toss you to the garbage pile' - ever! You need to banish thoughts like that.
Be kind to yourself, and let others be kind to you. I think I can reasonably speak for everyone posting here when I say that we want to be here for you.
You know how to reach me, and the offer stands, anytime you need someone to be a good listener.
Wishing you peace --
Jerry
We all love you Sharyn, skips and all. Do not worry that we don't want to hear your thoughts, good, bad or indifferent. Every now and then a piece of white bread slathered with butter and honey is every nit a satisfying as the whole grain kind, so bring it on...We are here for you, everyday, come what may. I wish I could see you and give you a big warm hug: know that I am doing that in my heart.
As always, with hope and love,
peg from PA
test
Your honesty is welcome, Sharyn. I know life is bumpy, not really happily-ever-after. As far as white bread goes, I'd vote crunchy granola, and if you have some white bread days, you're still the really good stuff from the French bakery, not something we'd ever throw in the garbage! When I would go on and on about my little ones, my grandmother-in-law would say "they all do that", but she would smile and her eyes would twinkle. Be well. I too think of you often.
blessings,
Janet
Glad you are posting again. Life is such a roller coaster, isn't it? You are an inspiration to me in the way you are handling this. What happened to Caleb could happen to any of us, at any time. It teaches us to treasure the precious moments with our children. It was so good to see Caleb around town this past summer, driving down our road in his truck ...
Post a Comment