Sometimes you just wake up and wonder why. Why this fate, why this life? Why me? I have been hesitant to write as of late because I have felt I was decieving you, but mostly myself... and not wanting to write non-truths, I instead just did not write at all. So many frustrations have cropped up along with my spring flowers so that I feel I have a field of dissapointments. I began to write about all my happenings and moving forward, which in so many ways we have done...but the truth remains...and no other holiday reminds me more than Mother's day, the truth remains that I am reminded on a second to second basis.. just how fragile life is.. how so many of us never felt anything could ever happen to our loved ones...and then a few of us get singled out..and life changes so radically from that point on. The truth is that in spite of moving on and getting hailed for doing "great things", I am still stuck in such an unbelievable saddness...I miss my old Caleb so very much. Caleb goes to town and everyone tells me how wonderfully he is doing..and yes, he is. But the behind the scenes goes something like this... I wake early to have just a moment of my time before the day begins with Caleb..but he is keen on my movements and my presence, and he wakes earlier than before...so there goes that moment of peace. He needs to be reminded of the most simple things each day, like changing a shirt after a shower, the most basic things..and I feel like a bitch having to bark orders at him..a brain injured person; still it all gets so old after awhile. One would think that going out in a crowd would be pleasant, a distraction at least...but it is the proverbial knife in the back feeling when I see his old friend shun him for a more interesting, fast paced conversation. Jennie visited with the news that she has a new man, a new life...something I knew had to happen ( but Og God, the pain in his eyes) Each night is play cards, play cards, play cards....I am worn and sad and tired of this game..of all of it. In the vein of moving forward, I did manage to get him into a day program in Yarmouth, but Mass Health denied his transportation...so I drove him to and from till I realized it was defeating the purpose of having some time alone. Money dwindles daily. Life just is not that fun anymore. Someone said to me that it is our God given right to "have a life"...but is it really? Because when you are faced with the reality of a disabled child, your life becomes theirs..no other way around it, thank you very much!
I am trying, struggling to find peace with this.. I am worried sick about Caleb's future...nothing that I attempt seems to come to fruition because of one road block or another...it is wearing at best.....Still I am reminded that just as you are at the lowest point, the answer comes walzing around the corner...so I hold on, and hold on, and hold on in anticipation. These are my truths.. a mixed bag daily of small grins and big dissapointments...of asking why over and over again. Now I feel more honest, and I thank you allowing it, encouraging it.
Happy mother's day to all mothers ( and fathers who take their place). It is a spiritual gift...and one that I plan to learn accept gracefully, no matter what the situation. Sharyn