Sunday, August 19, 2007
The sun also rises
Jan and Sarah just left from their standard Sunday visit - the boys and I like Dad's choice.. she is warm, sincere and a genuine friend to him in a way I never was. If she only had a whoopie cushion I could consider her perfect! Caleb is flooded with the light of the sunset as we relax in our 12th floor room with a view of the Charles. He is not as alert as I would have him be but again I am reminded that this is a process and that I don't get to push the magic button to make it all go away. I am touched by all the heartfelt messages which get me through the day and by Kai and Shay's movie which made me remember why I decided to stay in Fleet as a young woman and raise my children there..this is a place to call home! My Caleb was transitioning, emotionally changing and learning to let go and trust himself at the time of his accident- he was in a very suspended state and and in a bit of pain and we had talked on several occasions about his situation..as a mother I always find myself walking that fine line between getting too involved and stepping back- not an easy road to traverse! I regret now not having done more to soothe him and help him through this. One never really knows what the next second can bring -so bring more to your seconds! Tonight I am more centered than I was today, I am trusting myself to remember that everything changes. Sadness turns to happiness, darkness turns to light, hate to love and sickness to health. For just one night I will hold the thought that the sun sets but it also rises or better put - the son sets, but also rises! I love you all dearly, Mumsie
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32 comments:
Sharyn,
You are a true inspiration to mothers and families everywhere! Just know that we are all on this journey with you... even though some of us are thousands of miles away and have never met in person.
You are in our thoughts and prayers daily. Much peace and love to you, your family and especially Caleb!
Ms Sharyn..
Everything you have shared is indeed true.. its funny cause I have always wondered what goes on in that clever, thoughtful, wacky head of yours, and having this blog is wonderful.. its a little door opening for us all into some of your thoughts. You shed light on so much for us.
Man, I sign on in the morning, and around this time, & it seems like days have gone by, and I am anxious beyond words to see what you have posted! In other words, I am well knowing you are there by Caleb's side, informing us, and being as awesome as you are..I rarely worry, knowing he has the support of his family, and friends is comforting in SO many ways. I can barely wait to be in your truck with you throwing cake at the boys, and um (cough)..water balloons! Heehee..
Rest well..XO!
Oh Sharyn - Bless you. You are on the rollercoaster ride of your life. Your beautifully written (as usual!) post this Sunday night pains me. I hear your self-doubt and recognize it a bit. My mother and I lost my only brother 10 years ago in a car accident (he was 30). The three of us had the type of bond that reminds me of what you describe when you are speaking of your three boys and yourself. We were a team. It was heartbreaking when we lost him, obviously, and thank God you have not had to deal with that and I truly believe that you are not going to have to face that at this point in time. I need to tell you that so that you don't think I'm trying to tell you that I don't think your precious boy is not going to make it - not true at all. What I want to share with you is that my brother prior to his death (and I am also of a spiritual nature and believe we have all "picked" it - the path, by the way) was in a similar state emotionally, etc. that you have described your Caleb to be in. Well, didn't my mother and I torture ourselves a bit about what we could have said or done differently to ease some of his pain and worries. And, what I really want to share with you is that after much reflection and healing time we came to this conclusion - the three of us had each other, always had each other, knew we could count on each other, we had an unusually strong bond that allowed our Willy to share his worries and pain with us. Maybe when we looked back we wished we had said or done something differently to ease his pain- but the bottom line is he knew he had us and could count on us - we had PURE love (and still do, that never goes away). My hope in sharing this with you is to help you to let yourself off the hook a bit. Caleb obviously knows that he can count on you - and that is both precious and priceless. You give him unconditional love so please do not doubt yourself.
Love and blessings to you all - I don't know you but love you and am here in Connecticut praying for you, Caleb, Kai & Max.
Keep believing, I know that Caleb can feel your strength so dig deep Mom. Every bit of love matters, our family is sending all of ours. Praying that each day is just a bit better. Our love to you.
Dear Sharyn,
Sharyn, I start my day and end it checking in on Caleb and his family through your blogs. You always hit on something in this 'being a loving mother' role, and you did it again this morning. Thank you. Hope to meet you someday. Thinking of getting a whoopie cushion for Sarah - that made me laugh heartily, after the tears.
Claire
Sharyn-
I am still getting the hang of this. I sent you a long message in one of these comment spaces, way down because I thought they all go to the same page for you.. well I am thinking that you may not have read it: ( I let out some good thoughts into that one, maybe one day you'll find it. I just want to send you my LOVE and addmeration! As always, you amaze me. You are such a pillar of strenght and hope and rawness! I fucking love you! I almost errased fucking then thought you would aprreciate that. You and caleb are in my thoughts every day! I love you both sooo much! I have this great documentry that a friend of mine did about how these young kids who had realy bad accidents and it is about the realness of getting back your life they are parapalegics and healed better then any docter said they would. it is an inspirational movie and when it is time, I will come up and show ot to the both of you. Well, I have to go teach a yoga class! woops how time flies! but i LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU! And send that on to caleb! We miss you guys around here. Muah! oxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo,Rosie
Sharyn,
If you would like I have an extra whoopie cushion you can give to Jan!
Kevin
out of sight is definitely NOT out of mind in this case. Miss you all.
xoxo, settie and zack
Ah Sharyn, once again you say it all so beautifully. As I follow along daily, I realize why it is that we are so addicted to this blog. You give us all permission to reflect on our own lives, to make them better, to live each day with love in our hearts, and to take what comes our way and rejoice, struggle, feel in a way most of us have not felt before, to feel part of the bigger picture. I think that all of us mothers can relate to the "I should'ves, I could'ves" when it comes to our kids, but what we have to know is that we do the best that we can at the time. We can not go back, we can only move forward and you my dear have demonstrated that to us in the most precious way. You have taught us all to love deeper, to laugh longer, to strap on the seatbelts and to enjoy the ride wherever it may take us.
With gratitude, I thank you, for letting us all come along for the ride. You have enriched my life in so many ways.
The picture painted of Caleb being covered in light, by the water, is one I will carry with me today. It must be so comforting to you to see him in a peaceful state.
"The sun comes up, the moon goes down, and I knew from the start, the measure of all things is still the heart." (gg)
Audrey
Sharyn,
A Room With A View......let the flow of the Charles keep you peaceful and full of strength one day at a time. Wondeful Blog. Margie
Dear Sharyn,
How wonderful and loving of you to see the positive side of evolving connections of those who make up our immediate and extended family. Your sons have wonderful parents, and they know they are loved by both - no matter the changes in this dance called life. Too often people close out the possibility of others joining the circle, because of pain, anger, jealousy, etc., but when we pass through those human feelings and come out the other side, we find a larger, loving circle to call family. You inspire, once again.
I understand on a very similar personal level, your "regret" in the past with Caleb, but we mother's must look back on those times and remind ourselves that we were doing the very best we could with what we had and knew. Single motherhood sometimes blocks out those rational thoughts as the guilt can often ride high.
I wish I knew you personally, for I believe we would be friends. I learn more every day as I read the blog how you help those who worry about you and Caleb. It's a gift you have...and I find myself among them as I continue to resolve some of the old issues surrounding my own son's struggles.
I loved what Anne wrote - "breathe out" - too often we breathe in and forget to let it circulate, cleanse and leave to allow the next breath.
As for your wrinkles, HAH! You are as beautiful as the plants you grow, as the sons you are growing, as the sun as it rises and sets.
You are an amazing mother, and, as I said before, you are steel and velvet. You will be fine and your son will be who he is - for you to continue to love.
Holding you in my heart in Provincetown.
Hi Sharyn,
the weather's beautiful here today - just hitting the upper sixties and sunny, breezy --- the town is TOO DAMNED QUIET WITHOUT YOU AND CALEB! :) every day Chopper and I are checking to see what progress is being made, and I'm glad to hear that he's resting - it's very important for him to do that! When he's ready things will happen fast!
Have you solved your apartment needs, we hope so! Let us know if not - let all of us out there know!
so many people are reading your blog, and you're really touching the hearts, minds and souls of so many people!
xoxo
Allison + Chopper
I'm thinking of Caleb and everyone each day. Feel like I'm holding me breath until I read your daily updates.
My dear friends, Jeannie and Doug, are here this weekend. They live in Cambridge, and have asked me to offer you a room in their house if you need a place. There's room for Kai and Max to stay, too. While you transition or whatever...
xo, Sue Blake
Good morning Sharyn,
Keep the faith, you are an awesome Mom. You make all of us Moms in cyberspace proud. I know your boys do appreciate it too. We are all here with you and your family, you have become like family to me,
Sending peace and hugs to you all.
Sharyn,
This tranformation in you, in Caleb, in Wellfleet and so far beyond is Gods grace at work. We look for good things to come out of bad. The circle grows ever wider with each prayer, and each heart that is opened up by reading or hearing about this tragedy. A mother's love for her son is a univerasal experience - love IS the human experience that is common demonator that unites us all. We share this human experience and become more human - God's grace at work - God working through our human hands and hearts. The circle grows wider and there is light in the center. Your struggle is my struggle - your pain is Wellfleets pain - and our hope hope and faith is the light. We all fall and we then rise - like the circle of the sun, the son . . .
RUMI WROTE:
Birdsong brings relief to my longing
I am just as estatic as they are,
but with nothing to say!
Please, universal soul, practice
some song, or something through me!
RUMI WROTE THIS TOO:
The way of love is not a subtle argument
The door there is devastation
Birds make big sky circles of their freedom.
How do they learn it?
They fall, and in falling, they're given wings.
Sending you love and healing light from Connecticut - Patty
Hi Sharyn,
When I was working at one of the medieval fairs in Germany, a mendicant monk and miracle worker gave me a scroll "to be opened when you need it". It contained the following story:
The Sixth Day
On the sixth day, Adam was created.
On that selfsame day, when Adam was created, he was filled with the breath of life; on that same day he stood on his feet for the first time; on that same day he called all animals by their name, on that same day he was given Eve as a companion; on that same day, the Lord placed him in the Garden on Eden; on that same day the Lord commanded, from this you may eat, but from that you may not eat; on that same day, he failed the Lord; on that same day, he was judged; and on that same day he was driven from paradise.
Meanwhile, the day had turned to evening, and as dusk set in, Adam saw all light wane and the world turn dark around him.
And he said, “Alas, because I have sinned, the world is darkening around me, and the earth shall be barren and empty. This must be death, according to the Lord’s judgment.” And he sat in despair and wept all through the night, and Eve sat at his side and wept with him.
Meanwhile, night had turned into morning, and as the rosy dawn spread over the heavens and as Adam saw light returning to the world, he exclaimed full of joy:
So this is the order of the world,
That there shall always be day after night!
And he arose, thanked the Lord, took Eve by the hand, and built an altar.
Story by Barba Nora, Miracle Worker and Purveyor of Holy Relics
Also known as Peter Hoffmann of Oberaudorf, Germany
Lots of love,
Ken
Dear Sharyn,
Have no regrets----you are doing exactly what the universe,as it unfolds,expects you to do. A mothers role is not an easy one. There are some mothers who are better at it than others. You,my dear,are at the very top of the list of extraordinary,amazing,unselfish and loving. We are learning from you. I am so relieved that this surgery is behind Caleb and your family. Now, the wait will be taxing but patience prevails and wonderful and beautiful things are waiting in the wings. A new play begins.
Peace and lots of love to you all.
Penny on St.John (Amy's mom)
Dear Sharyn,
You nned not ever question what you have done these past month and a half. You are a guide for all of us that have hit less than perfect seas. Your love and kindness for your family and friends is warming to the heart and clearly unconditional. You my friend are an inspiration for all Mother's, Friends, and lovers. I can only hope that I would be able to be half as strong as you have proved to be. Don't ever doubt yourself, your past or your future. As always, my thoughts and heart go out to you and the boys.
P-Town Girl
Dear-est Sharyn....
Last summer ....when Zephyr the Peace Dog passed on.....as so "many" do...in one way or another, in our lives.... I was reminded of an olde maxim/analogy....a "tidal" version of the "sun rises" theme....
There is the ebb tide...then the low tide....(when often the most work is done).....and then....there is the flood....and the tide comes back in again.....Rise on....!!
light!ly from Ch ....GB and Soleil...and the widely scattered-lings of Sunspirit....in Peace and Hugs....thanks for what you all have done FOR the Fleet .....
"Let the water settle; you will see the moon and stars mirrored in your being."
--Jelaluddin Rumi
Dear Sharyn –
I hesitated for a long while to post this publicly (and apologize for the length), but after reading through this entire blog over the past weeks, I’m so inspired by your openness and honesty. Your words are nothing less than poetry to a mother’s eyes.
Almost 6 years ago, my husband died in an instant on our kitchen floor in Wellfleet in front of my 2-year old daughter and me. It was six months to the day after we purchased our house, fulfilling our dream of owning a home in Wellfleet, a town we both adored so much. Literally in an instant, every dream, vision and hope I had for our future was shattered. The day before he died, I watched he and my daughter play on a sandbar at Duck Harbor thinking, “life doesn’t get much better than this.”
As I’ve read this blog, I’ve had several thoughts. The first is that I wish wholeheartedly that we were “full-time” members of the Wellfleet community when this tragedy struck. I am in utter awe at the outpouring of love, support and determination demonstrated by an entire community. I had a tremendous support network when my husband died, but nothing like the collective power I see all around town and on this blog.
Secondly, I wanted to assure you that while life does not, I believe, turn out the way we think it should, the universe has a curious way of righting itself in the end. I met a wonderful man a year after my husband died, and we were married. I now have the sweetest three-year old son, who is the most calming presence I’ve ever had in my life. As I tuck him in to bed some nights, I find myself tearing up with love and the profound realization that he wouldn’t exist today if I hadn’t suffered a tremendous loss. He is a blessing and a gift every second he is in my life.
It IS a cliché, but life really does not throw more at you than you can handle. I sometimes look at my little girl and wonder why her life began with such a sting, but I know in the long run, she will be an immensely sensitive, empathetic person who is able to help others in this world because she knows what pain is. I know I am a better person today, both for knowing my first husband, the love and support of friends, which I wouldn’t have known existed if not for this event, and for the strength I dug out of my bones to push through the painful loss and grief. After much deliberation, I decided to keep the house in Wellfleet. It was the one dream I could carry on … that I watch my kids grow up and that I grow old in Wellfleet. The town is truly a refuge for me.
Obviously, I do not know you, but I can sense a growth and discovery in your words every day. I know you and Caleb will discover someday what the hidden purpose was in this journey. I will continue to read this blog religiously. I will continue to gain inspiration from your words and your love for your son. I will pray with all my might that Caleb recovers and returns to you all in all his glory.
I would love to meet you some day. I am in Lexington, close by to your current digs. If you ever want a glass of wine with a stranger, I’d be happy to oblige.
With warm thoughts,
myg
thank you ...thank you....myg...thank you sooooo much....
was in Boston sunday down by the waterfront thinking of you all a short distance away...sending- from closer distance- healing and peaceful thoughts. Back in western Mass. these thoughts continue .....heal, rest, be at peace and just..be.
Jeff
Sharyn,
Wow, the video.....amazing and touching!!! All these "bloggers" are right....your words are so tender and real....they touch me to the deepest part of my soul, going places and making me feel things I didn't know existed. Hang in there....I truly believe in my heart of hearts that
Caleb will be OK. Tonight is the benefit concert at the congregational church...starting at 7:30...lots of caring people participating and coming to enjoy the show.....I'll be asking for a moment of silence and positive thoughts and love at the beginning of the show....pay attention my dear, a bit of Wellfleet will be coming yours and Caleb's way tonight.....love ya'.....jodi
I am looking forward to the next video to be posted on this blog -- of Caleb's triumphant return to Wellfleet. Those of us who are too far away to line the streets and welcome him home, will cheer him back and remind him of how many of us have been deeply moved and inspired by your journey.
"WE CANNOT DIRECT THE WIND, BUT WE CAN ADJUST THE SAILS".
-Bertha Calloway
Thankyou for reminding me to take life a little bit slower and to look people in the eye and to tell the people I love that I love them. To enjoy the wind and the sun on my skin and to remember to feel and to breathe...I love you.
Mothers of hurt boys (or girls) unite! Yup, I'm thinking of starting a club for the poor mommies that have been put through the ringer due to an injury to their guys. It's been such a reminder of what Jeff went through last year and the feelings that went through my mind during it all. When I think back on it, I am amazed at the strength and dignity these boys show while getting better! Just think Sharyn, someday you may be participating in a blog with some other mom just needing to share like you!! Isn't technology amazing??!! Keep up the good work and remember it lets us all heal along with Caleb and your family. Take care ALL of you! xoLori
Sharyn, you have friends in Boston. If ever you ever need a hot cup of tea (over a dozen different kinds!)away from the hospital, but not too far, email me. My house is your house. Just email me. We pray for Caleb and for your whole family every day and we're here for you.
Tuesday morning and we haven't seen a newer post from Sharyn... hoping you are just taking a break, resting, and that all is well.
Jerry G
It's great to hear how healing is progressing on so many levels for you and your family. Welcoming in a new member can be liberating and affirming. Once again the risk of letting go brings back love . ann m
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