Thursday, August 16, 2007
believe
Caleb is resting easy - snoring from time to time. His father and I stand on opposite sides of the bed where minutes before, Kai and Max stood; a changing of the guards. From the looks of the most recent CAT scan, Caleb shows no signs of air on the brain which would suggest that the surgery was a success, the leakage sealed off. I rub his head and whisper shhuuuu over and over again; the mothers mantra. I don't know if it comforts him but it comforts me, and here one must do something to kill the time and calm the nerves while watching the big hand move milliseconds. I find that I fade in and out of consciousness with him - one minute he is a young boy of 2 running through the briars (the more direct route)to roust Phillipe at 6 am for a game of basketball in the cul-de-sac. He is getting aquainted with my mother. She tells him "time for nap" he smacks her and she smacks him right back and they become best of friends at that moment. He refers to her as Grandma who swats me. He is saying yets instead of lets and I know I should correct him but I find it way too charming. Then I drift to the Caleb prior to the 4th and he is swinging the front door open as if he were entering a saloon and greeting me with that Hey ma that he always announces with a big grin on his face, while making his way to the fridge and sharing the humorous stories he always has tucked in his tonsils waiting to burst out. I miss him, his brothers miss him, we all miss him. I know he is on his journey which I can only watch from afar. He is calculating his next step, making his way, charting a new course, following stars. I am tightrope walking trying to keep up, poised and ready, yet fearful that I might fall. Caleb is the most fearless warrior I have known and on a spiritual level I know he has chosen this path-it is his finest moment. What I don't know is who he will be when he gets to the other side. I want my old Caleb back but I know in the depths of my heart that Caleb gets to decide and I will love him all the more for it. Goodnight,God Bless,I love you , Mum
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37 comments:
sharyn,
I wake up thinking of you and your family and i fall asleep the same way too.I can not wait for the day that you say that your son is on his way home and you are feeling at peace again.
Linda
sharyn...your words are as beautiful as your gardens...xoxoxooxo....deirdre
You won't fall . . . be assured . . . this is your way to the peace you've yearned.
Our children have always been there to lead us, no matter what age or way they present themselves.
There is no peace like the peace of motherhood.
And you are there.
Love, from Old Postmenopausal
Buenas Noches Sharyn, So glad to hear from you before I go to bed. I have been awaiting word this day, and it IS GOOD. How wonderful that you, Caleb's dad, Kai and Max can join forces to bring true "healing" to Caleb in every way possible. The energy created by your loving effort does not go unnoticed...Caleb feels every breath you take, every heart beat and prayer, not unlike a gentle breeze across the water.
Philippe has shared the story of young Caleb going through the briars and coming out the "other side" without a scratch! He was plotting his course at a very young age. What an impact his life is having....The love that is being shared with Caleb, you and your family is making ripples on the web....what glorious ripples. It fills my heart.
Bless you and yours this night. May you rest knowing full well that your boy is at peace, resting and healing, and gathering strength for the coming days, joys, challenges and inspired moments....Rest in Peace this night my dear... Con Carino, Melinda
sharyn,
I have green light bulbs burning all night at my front door here in Eastham and NY as a vigil till Caleb gets the green light to come home.
you are an angel. you've touched so many people with your words, and your son has given you your finest hour as a mother.
jude
Sharyn,
Your words touch my heart as I visualize you and Jan watching over Caleb. With the love from his trusty guards, I mean guardian angels, your boy can continue his healing. I am happy to hear that the surgery was a success.
Change is inevitable in all our lives. Yellow beard will be back and he will continue to light up your life and the lives of those around him.
I found it really interesting that you feel as though you are walking on a tightrope while in your words you sound like you are on solid ground. Everything you are feeling is 100% legit and I thank you for sharing it with us. You are in my thoughts all the time.
Love,
Kim Harris
Sharyn,
I have prayed for your son and spent time on the alter in church because of him, something I haven't done since I was 9. At service I fight back the tears, the adrenaline pours through and my heart beats ramped. I think about him every day and look forward to reading the progress through the blogs you write. Crafted better than any story are your words, yet they are reality. I have shed many tears thinking about him and although I don't know him well I know Katy loves him like a brother so in a way that makes him a brother to me as well. Caleb has sparked faith in so many. You need to have this hope I will share with you when you are ready please contact me at my email sarahservant@yahoo.com. I believe in the miracle of the body and when you hear my story you will know what I mean. Know my prayers are with you and your family, and I believe that Caleb's strength is evident by your descriptions. Thank you so much for keeping up with all of this, so many people are keeping it together with prayer because of you. You are such a good mum.
~Sarah A. Servant
SHARYN...I READ YOUR POIGNANT NOTES WITH HOPE, TEARS AND LONGING TO GIVE YOU COMFORT AND SUPPORT....MY SON WAS ONE OF THE FIRST SKATEBOARDERS IN WELLFLEET, GENTLY BEING REMOVED FROM THE TINY UPLIFT IN THE THEN SUPERMARKET PARKING LOT ON RTE 6 OR WHEREEVER HE TRAVELLED....I FEEL YOUR ANGST , YOUR LOVE AND CARING.....AND KNOW THE WORLD IS OUT THERE PULLING FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.....
You are an amazing mother...As if your courage and loving manner didn't show it enough, your story-telling would tip anyone off of the love for your son all through his life.
Caleb is thought of often, by so many people and there is so much hope! everywhere, hope!
Sharyn,
As I sit here this morning with tears running down my cheeks, I feel in my heart Caleb will be o.k. You took me back to when my boys were little, and all the memories that come flooding back. Those memories have gottten me thru alot as I am sure yours will too. There is such peace in going back to the simple times of "boo boos" and kisses to make it all better. Just rely on that inner peace, the same mother's love will bring him thru this also. Thank you for sharing your beautiful words with us. I know reading your words the past few weeks has made me take a step back, and not take as much for granted. One day at a time is all any of us can do, and you have done it beautifully. Peace be with you and yours today. The world is with Caleb and all of you, he will weather this storm !
To the Potter family:
My disant thoughts of laughter and raging with my boys, Kai, Max and Caleb have recently become fresh in my mind. I pray for a reunion daily! All of my love and strength to you guys.
To Caleb himself:
Get outta this funk and lets jag! xoLinnie Goodwin
Dear Sharyn,
I read your words this morning and I held my two babies a bit tighter. They are too small to climb briars, but they have already packed my heart with all those small memories of which you speak. I have never seen someone stronger than you. Know that YOU also fill Caleb's heart. Hang on, Mum. Soon he will feel much better.
Much love to You, Jan & Your boys
xoxoxo
A Friend
Jan, Sharyn, Kai, Max, Jenny and Caleb. . . nothing else matters but this. Don't let anything get in your way. Life will go on the same old boring way when all is said and done. You know what I mean.
Enjoy each other like a vacation. Your lucky to be able to all be together with one focus, nothing could be more meaningful and beautiful.
XOXOX,settie
p.s. Ella Mae asked when Caleb was coming home. . . she wants to watch Hercules with him. Let him know will ya'
Sharyn,
I have always loved hearing you tell stories of the boys. What you have shared makes me teary with hope, longing, and fills my heart with simplicity.
I am joyful knowing Caleb has his family by his side, there is nothing better that could encourage him to rest well on route to recovery. I know that's why my bro Jeff got better quicker when all of us from far corners returned "home" to be with him.
Now we will ask the spirits to guide Caleb to rest, all the while healing from within.. I have no doubt Caleb will chose a beneficial path, we all are not ready to let him get off that easy either.. sooner or later we need our Capt'n to lead us in laughter, compassion, and adventure!
Sharyn,
As we all know none of us get to pick our parents in this world. However, if Caleb had his chance I am sure no one would come in second to you for his choice!
Kevin
Sharyn,
I start my days with your news and as always feel your strength....and that of Caleb. You won't fall.....wishing you a good sleep and peace. love Margie
Today's blog entry was a special gift, thank you Sharyn.
Gail
You are in our hearts every day.
This is the hardest kind of mothering and you are doing it with such grace.
Your writing is a daily inspiration.
Sharyn, in addition to being a role model for parents everywhere, you're truly a gifted writer. Thank you for continuing to share the story of Caleb's journey so eloquently. I'm going to have to stop checking in from work every morning, as I have been, because the raw, visible emotions of my reactions are inappropriate for an office environment.
The road ahead is still long, and won't be without bumps, as you well know... but Caleb is on his way now.
Wishing you peace-
Jerry G
Hi Sharyn,
I was at my mother-in-laws home last night, and she too, along with so many other people, believe that you should write a book...or atleast take all your blogs and make a journal out of them. You could sell it! Your style of writing is not just wonderful, but inspiring. The way that you word things just shows what a great, strong person you are, and how much you truely believe in that amazing family of yours.
Did you get a GOOD nights sleep yet? Or atleast a solid couple of hours? Well, I hope that you do soon if you haven't already. You are important too...don't forget that. You can't take adequate care of Caleb without taking adequate care of yourself first. I know as a Mother you want to take care of your children over yourself any day of the week...I understand...I do that too, but if you are too run down, taking care of Caleb will be impossible. We just love you and don't want you to crash from exaustion.
Love You, Sharyn,
Nicole and Judith & our Little Leb
good morning beautiful lady,
Patients, Caleb will be back, greater than when he left (if thats even possible).. You are a perfect mother(seragate mother), sister, friend, boss, guardian angle.. you are doing everything right.. pretty sure all of calebs "homegirls" can agree with me when I say we admire you and aspire to be like you. Before calebs journey, that was how we all felt, and now, once again you have set the bar higher.. Remember calebs cookout when you pulled up, all "hot" on your mountin bike! ...Ya, so trying to jump a log probubly wasnt the best idea, ( nobody saw the crash).. as you left we were all like " she is soo friggen cool"..thank you for being you, someone we all look up to. You are doing such a great job in this journey that you are on. Know that if you ever feel like your gonna fall off that tightrope, you can, there are thousands of us hear, waiting to pick you up and put you back on..my prayers continue, every minute, everyday. I find comfert in knowing you are all there by his side.
bigluv weeks
Sharyn,
I've been thinking of you and Caleb since I heard about the accident. Your in my heart and in my prayers daily. I'm working on a lead for housing for you come September. I'll know for sure by next week and will get in touch with you then. Your an inspiration to all mothers and you have touch the lives of so many with your unwavering spirit and determination to stay by Caleb's side day end and day out. God bless you and He will always give you the peace and strengh to go on. I'm looking forward to the day when I once again see Caleb as the 25 year old wonderful man that he is. My head is full of his beautiful face at the age of 7 and the determination he showed for learning. You have many, many Sisters praying for Caleb and your family daily. Take care of yourself too. I'll be in touch. An old friend from WES.
This blog is always the best part of my day, even when it is heartbreaking. But today it goes beyond. XO to everyone
I echo all the comments today, especially deirdre's.
I can picture a book in the future from Sharyn's and Yellowbeard's perspectives about this incredible journey....arlene
Sharyn,
Thank you for this update. And thank you for keeping all of us, near and far, connected. It's no dought, that Caleb is the most fearless warrior that many have us know and will ever know :) There isn't a day that passes that I don't think of Calab and you Sharyn. I love you and your family so much. Keep up the strength miss Lindsay.
Also, I was talking to my family in Newton (the aunt I was living with before moving out west) and she has found an empty apartment I believe that could be a possible living situation setup for you in the city. You'll have to give her a call for details!
Her name is Angela # 617-332-9101
:)
XOXOXOXOXOXOXO
Lily
Sharyn-- Our thoughts and prayers are with you all the time--we pray for Caleb's recovery and for you ,Kai and Max to have the strengt you need to keep being Caleb's life support.
Please keep all of your beautifully written daILY REPORTS SO THAT YOU CAN TURN THEM INTO A BOOK( WHICH WILL GIVE MILLIONS WHO READ IT STRENGTH AND COURAGE, SUCH AS YOURS, DURING DIFFICULT DAYS)
I am so moved while reading your reports by your exceptional ability to write and convey emotions that make all who read what you say participate with our hearts and minds with yours and Caleb's daily struggle. God Bless you and the family
Sharyn,
My daughter suffered a brain injury at a very young age. The healing process of the brain is very, very slow, but it does happen. Your old Caleb will be back, but it will take a lot of time, patience and perseverance. OUr family continues to pray for your son.
Sharyn,
I read your story for the first time on surfline today. I am 13 years old and a skater myself. I was touched by your story and wanted to send my well wishes for Caleb and supportto your family. You all are in my prayers!
Curt
I read your story for the first time today on surfline. I'm 13 years old and a skater too. I was touched by your story and wanted to send my well wishes for Caleb and support to your family. You all are my prayers!
Curt
Hi Sharyn, its grace. you have me all balled up over the past few blogs. I miss you guys so much. Cant wait to be in yours and leb's company again. You are amazing.xo
Sharyn,
I can hear your voice through your words and you become flesh and blood. It's all there. The sadness, the worries, the waiting,waiting waiting, and the pride you have in yourself, your family and especially in Caleb. There isn't any one of us that reads this blog that isn't affected by the reality you and your family are living every day. You are loved by so many people, especially Caleb. Prayers are sent. Namaste.
When I think of Caleb, I think of him in his muscleman costume, marching in the Halloween parade. A mighty boy with a wonderful smile.
Caleb is on the hero's journey. In the hero tales, there is pain, walking the edge of death, and often the loss of an eye. It’s surviving a staggering blow you thought would have broken you, and yet you persevere. The pain dissolves everything until you get down to something in your core that in your ordinary life, you didn’t know or understand. That core is tempered by the pain, like steel, and it will be what he needs to confront his destiny.
I have faith in him and in the power of the love that surrounds him.
Sharyn, you are birthing him all over again. Thank you for sharing your journey with us.
Pat
Dear Sharyn,
Worry about the future tomorrow. There is no way to predict the outcome of this journey when you are just a couple of steps down the path. Caleb's body has been through so much you can't determine anything right now about how much progress he will make once he can resume rehab.
I know what it is like to want to know how the book ends. When my autistic son was young I wanted to know what he would be like when he grew up and nobody could tell me. Now he is 27. He didn't outgrow autism...but he is happy...and he has relationships with people and he is a valuable member of his family and he enjoys life and continues to grow and change just like any other person. Caleb may not be the same person that he was before the accident but he is going to get better. He is young and there are all sorts new discoveries in neurology. Do not worry about ultimate outcomes. As long as we are alive there are no ultimate outcomes.
Sharyn...your words give me strength and hope. I miss you and caleb and the way things were, but there is only now and the way things are. I went over to your house yesterday to do some weedin'. It was so good to be there, and I spent most of the afternoon just hanging out with the boys. So good to see kai and max. Please give caleb my love once again, and tell him how very much we all miss him here. I feel as though I have changed somehow because of all this...and I think I like the changes. I love you all...
Dear Sharyn,
"Your grief for what you've lost holds a mirror up to where you've bravely been working.
Expecting the worst, you look, and instead, here's the joyful face you've been wanting to see.
Your hand opens and closes and opens and closes. If it were always a fist or always stretched open, you would be paralyzed.
Your deepest presence is in every small contracting and expanding
the two, as beautifully balanced and coordinated as birdwings."
Jalaluddin Rumi (1207-1273)
Hello from Sapokonish Way - Glad everything is looking up. Thinking of Caleb and family and praying to the Gods that be, that all will continue to go well. In charting a new course, remember: "You can't adjust the wind, but you can adjust the sails!"
Hugs and God Bless! Natale & Peter
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