On the fourth of July, 2007 Caleb Potter was involved in a skateboarding accident.
He suffered serious injuries and continues to need all of our positive thoughts and prayers.
This blog is to serve as a space for updates on Caleb's journey of recovery.

Monday, October 1, 2007

Low day

Remarkable, as usual Kai. Thank you . Now I am working on the Max blog.
A low, boggy kinda day for me today..guess I am entitled to a few. I feel I echo each rise and fall of Caleb. He has a good day - I have a good day. He has a bad day - I have a bad day. The boys had a favorite saying when they were young.. "When moms happy - we're happy" ..now that chant has become - when Caleb is happy......
Today, when he is vomiting, I am sick to my stomach, when he is slow and confused , I am an uneasy slug. This is a minute to minute kind of experience... just like on the 4th of July - one minute Caleb is by my side telling me all about the parade - he is vibrant -- and the next minute, following a phone call, Kai is driving sixty down Long Pond Rd. and our lives have changed forever.
Knowing what you now know about us - we will get through this and we will do what is necessary to get Caleb home and back to complete health. And you know my family is just stellar and we will hold each other up.. It's just that sometimes the magnitude of what has happened slips into my being and I want to cry out to the night and I want the sun to make it all go away.
Some days are low and forgive me for this is a low one for me. Caleb is still improving, but there are days when I can no longer muster up the energy to be happy that he said one word out loud, or that he took 3 more steps than yesterday. This is the kid who took twenty steps on his first attempt at walking.
It has been a long day and the evening is always more difficult- the dark settles in and shows no signs of leaving, and I must just remember that darkness is not proof of the absence of light.

44 comments:

Anonymous said...

Keep your head up, Sharyn.. I read this blog daily and can see MGH and Spaulding from my office across the river in Cambridge. I think about you guys everytime I look out the window. My heart goes out to you, Caleb, and everyone else in Fleet and beyond that miss him so.

xoxo- Cape girl in Boston

Anonymous said...

Hello Sharyn - Smile, even if you don't want to because there is something there that makes the whole body feel better. Smile and the whole world smiles with you. It has been such a long haul and you have a right to feel low. We all do at times. We think of you every day. Saw Max today and he was smiling and looked good. Yes, the sun shines bright every day, it's those clouds that hang over us that screw things up at times. Be well. Love Natale

Anonymous said...

Sorry you are feeling sad today. Wish I could cheer you up, but everything I think of sounds trite:
1) Things could be much worse.
2) Think of all the progress he has made.
3) Think of all the support you have.
4) etc.
Sometimes we just feel sad. Hope it doesn't last too long.

love,
Flo

Anonymous said...

You're human Sharyn, and even though we hold you on a pedestal with our relentless praise, we understand that you are just one person- One incredible mother, woman, friend, sister, aunt, daughter, person-who's allowed to have a shitty day.
Sending peace and positive energy to both you and Caleb,
Karen

Anonymous said...

Dear Sharyn, Alot of phylosophical systems of belief talk about living in the moment. If you can concentrate on right now, on what is happening in the moment you can avoid suffering over the future or the past which are unknowable illusions. None of us can know what you are going through, your experience is only happening to you but looking forward or looking back can only cause you more pain. Be like a child in the moment.Be glad if the moment is glad, sad if it is sad but complicating it with the future or the past won't help you or Caleb. Much love, Susanna

Anonymous said...

Oh, my Dear Sharyn...How I wish I were closer to put my arms around you, and let you put your head on my shoulder and just do whatever you feel you have to do to let the days stressors "out".

What you say is so ture...I know what it was like (as I've mentioned before) when my Mari was born at 28 weeks, and was only 2.5 lbs. I did not know from day to day, whether she would live or die. All the poking and proding, was almost more than I could bear. Somehow, I found my bearings most days...but some days were more precarious than others, like the day I walked into the NICU and saw that they had attached a tube on her scalp where they would now draw blood, but I misinterpreted this as "Oh no, my daughter has had a cerebral bleed", and I proceeded to start crying uncontrollably. The nurse by her side came and put her arms around me, and assured me that my daughter was indeed fine, and that because she was SO tiny, they had run out of places to draw blood. I almost collasped from joy, I could not find my legs. I just sat there and cried, and cried...tears of joy and sadness because I did not know what tomorrow would bring. From that point on, I knew I would make it through, no matter what.

Honey Von Lindsay, allow yourself time to be human. We know your strength, and we know you are human....you feel it all. Take good care of yourself...you will make it through this journey...we are all by your side. WE are there for you all....

Remember, we are with you, holding you when you feel like your legs won't hold you another second, and embracing you and your beautiful, warm, dysfunctional, loving, brilliant family at all times.....

Grace.....And GRACE WILL Hold you up and Bring You Home.

In Love and Gratitude for your gracious and loving spirit,

Melinda and Mari

rosie said...

Sharyn-
It is good to have the downer days. It reminds us that we are all human. taking your time to feel is always important. You are always a shining light in my eyes. I am sooooo happy to hear that caleb is doing soo well. yes even with the set backs it is truly amazing to see that he is moving around and recognising people and still being himself. It warms my heart and makes it easier to smile when I think of him. I think about you all the time and keep you in my heart along with Caleb and the rest of the Family. I hope to see you again soon. I love you all dearly! Peace in your heart.
Me

Anonymous said...

Sharyn,
It's OK to feel the way you do and don't worry, that too will pass. It's normal, so maybe that's a good sign that things are progressing.You have incredible support, as does Caleb.
I have to thank you as I caught some of your extra good karma vibes on Caleb's last day at Mass General a few weeks ago. My husband was about to lose his eye next door at Mass Eye and Ear. While he was in surgery, I was drawn to Mass General knowing that you and your special guy were 12 floors above. Somehow I knew my way around and found myself within the courtyard garden. Deja Vu?
I knew that you were there above me, but it was too early to get to a hospital computer to check the blog. Just knowing how strong you had held up for so long renewed me. Thank you!
My husband's eye is still intact, although he'll be wearing his patch for a while. Arrrrggg.
You may be in for a long haul Sharyn, but to have your boy is worth it all. Stay strong girl!
Jane McG

Anonymous said...

Just put on your favorite fucking pair of cowgirl boots and cry until ya can't anymore. Then feel what you feel and do what you do. You're on a long and winding road. One you didn't ask for but you got. Others got harder. Others eaiser. Whatever, it's how we do with what we got. Isn't it? Seems to me your doing it more than just right.
Let's all pray just for Shayrn tonight and all day tomorrow. That should help.
PostMeno

Anonymous said...

Sharyn, you wrote "...forgive me for this is a low one for me." There is no need for forgiveness. There is no need for guilt. You're more than entitled to this low day. There will no doubt be many more. But over time, the highs will overtake the lows. Count on it.
We're here for you.
Hoping that you find some peace tonight...
Jerry G

blackbird said...

After all you've been enthusiastic through it's only natural that you'd have a low day...you have so much love and support around you - you'll feel better soon.

We hold you in our hearts every day, whether high or low.

Anonymous said...

Sharyn, I hope I can express this the way I want to. But I think the fact that you're feeling depressed now is not only normal, but it also means that Caleb IS doing well enough that you have time to think about all of it; when before you were in overdrive; just doing what you had to; no time to think. You're letting down a little bit and probably just a little pissed at the enormity of it all. It's okay, you're okay; Caleb will be okay. Your instincts are spot on!The bad days will diminish and the good ones will multiply. Please be kind to yourself as you take care of everyone else; even the many bloggers who await your thoughtful updates. Sending you peace.
Jackie

Anonymous said...

Sharon-
I don't know you and your amazing family and friends but feel as though I do. You needing to apologize is insane- you do have low days and you should have low days- you have ben though more than anyone should in a lifetime. When you are low share with us and let it out- pain will not go away if left on its own and ignored but if shared with others it can dissipate. So be low when you are low and be high when you are high and you will all see another sun rise with the promise of a new and brighter day.

Anonymous said...

You have every right to feel as you do Ms. Sharyn, even through the darkness shines a light so profound.. he will be back to that guy, because he is still him inside there, soon, soon! It is good you can realize your emotions, sometimes accepting, and sharing is the best way to be in moments such as these. Caleb is fierce, he would have let go a long time ago had it been his time. Live strong for those moments when he is well, and himself... pray when he is weak!!
Even through all this misfortune you all shine through brightly! We all adore you so.
Xo..me.. K

Tracy in the Berkshires, Ma. said...

none of our words can truly comfort you......we try, but we all know when one is in their low moments...those times when we are too emotionally tired to even fake it....we can do nothing but just let them work through it.
boot straps and stiff upper lips just don,t cut it.....but I will say you have more strength then I believe I could muster in a situation like yours....draw on that....and each day just wake up with gratitude.....and yes for some reason our worries get us at night....
but morning always comes.

Sharyn, I don,t even know you...but have grown to love you, I have shed more tears with you in the last two months than I have with my dearest friends.I dont know Caleb or
Kai or that sweet little Max......no secret his name is MAX....and I think of him holding Caleb's hand in his quiet strength......you have all let us privy to an intimate human bond that is pure beauty and we live and learn with you.....you have touched so many as has Caleb.....and as much as you thank us in your blogg, we thank you.....for sharing the raw beauty of life.......sleep knowing the sun brings peace and hope and life...in its fullest.
In a nutshell.......Thank you for letting us in to your world and the beauty that lies there in its highs and lows.................
ps i really would love to share a bottle of wine with you someday and exchange lipstick and nail colors....

Anonymous said...

I read your post tonight and immediately thought, "Enough already! This is not FAIR!" Then I had to laugh at my angry thought, as the word "fair" has been the talk of my 5th grade classroom these past couple of weeks. The word has been causing so many problems, that I had to hold a class meeting with my students to figure out how we could avoid kids comparing very different situations and calling the inequity "not fair." By the end of our meeting, we decided that fair did not mean equal. My 20 passionate and clever 10 year olds came up with a definition that now hangs proudly across our classroom wall: Fair= Everyone gets what they need.

You and Caleb deserve to get what you need. So if you need to be sad, angry, or whatever else, do it. It's only fair...

~Fair Teacher (and former HS classmate of Caleb)

Anonymous said...

wishing you peace Sharyn. It is not easy and you deserve to cry and be low, but, you will perservere! You will get through this as you have in the past.

Donna said...

Hi Sharyn,
SCREAM AS THE PAINTING DOES.
IT'S OKAY!
Love to you!
The DeVastos

Anonymous said...

Sharyn,
Sounds like Caleb had a huge weekend with much progress--lots of walking, good clear communication...it's so wonderful to hear this! But it is not uncommon after a period of such gains to have a small setback. Tomorrow and the days ahead will be better. There will be many more gains.

Sharyn, you are an amazing being.
Through these many long weeks you have done exactly what you needed to do. You have been strong for yourself, for Caleb and for your family. You have been a guardian angel, you have been a warrior. There has not been much time for you to absorb the magnitude of all of this, to process it, to cry, to get really angry and scream/curse at the world. Unfortunately the low days are part of the healing. Try to take the time that you need. Seek out more support for yourself, whether a support group, a professional, or a close trusted friend. Take good care of yourself, physically, emotionally and spiritually--a massage, a facial, some Reiki or energy work. Good nutrition, sound sleep. A new lipstick. Some quiet time, time with family and friends, lots of hugs.

Sending you love, strength and positive energy.

DD (Dorianne)
North Eastham

Anonymous said...

I've been reading your blog daily and have been sending tons of light, prayers and energy for Caleb and your family.

Sharyn, I know how hard this is for you. Keep the faith.

I have tons of energy and light to send and will continue to send it.

love and peace from D in Los Angeles.
technically, through nepotism, i am a wellflethian! aaarggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!

Anonymous said...

Sharyn,

No one has a great day every day! It's all part of life. The good news is Caleb looks great in the pictures and the light at the end of the tunnel is getting much brighter!

Kevin

Anonymous said...

sharyn,
i lost my dear brother suddenly 6 years ago..
if i could change the course of " that day" i would be by his side 24/7 as you are with Caleb.
sibling love, mother - son love could never be compared, but it is all love that we feel... i hope tommorow brings a smile to you and Caleb's face

tendencies and such said...

sharyn.
you are amazing.
when its dark for me, i try to remember
without the dark
i would not know the intensity and wonder of the light.
caleb will prevail.
and so will you.
and everyone this has effected
and we will be
that much lighter
having sat in the darkness.
xoxoxoxoxox
Love Love Love from the wesT.
owen

Anonymous said...

I think that it is time for another long hot bath, this time with a box of tissues by your side , and maybe a box of chocolates waiting on the table. Let it out, allow yourself to feel the enormity of what has happened to you and your dear family, allow yourself time to mourn. Give yourself the time and permission to feel as sad as you need. But keep in mind that there will be times of great joy to follow....and know that we are all with you, that you are wrapped in a warm embrace in our hearts. Step by step, Caleb is making his way back to you.
as always ,with hope,
peg from PA

Anonymous said...

Sharyn,

There are no words that can make this all go away, we all know this. Your family has been thru so much. You are going to have down days, you are human and that is part of our make up. Hopefully when you read all of the bloggers it does help. If we could all be there with you I am sure we would. Know that all of us from around the world are with you, Caleb and family in our thoughts and prayers. You now have such a huge extended family. We will continue our support forever. Hopefully when the sun comes up this morning it will be a beautiful day inside and outside for all of you. Take care, peace and love to all of you.

Anonymous said...

I usually don't write until the blog is a mile long. Not by choice...it just happens. Sharyn, life is treating you pretty harshly right now and it's not easy to continue the way you have. Most of us (older folk)have been through some pretty tough times and I think it is the endless aspect of the experience that is so hard. If we could only fast forward to know what we will have to live with in the long run! That would be easier. So much easier. You ARE a strong person. You can manage with the hand you have been dealt...if only you knew what that hand was! Until then hang on. You have supporters in town you will never know about. We are not the partiers, not the band wagon, just everyday folks from Wellfleet who understand what a terrible time you and your family have been going through. Wellfleet folks are so much more then the sum of their parts. You owe us nothing. Just do the best you can and be the person you are. We care.

Anonymous said...

Sharyn- There is no advice bubbling up today...just sending love and compassion ( with or without lipstick) and light to you all xxoo.... ann m.

Anonymous said...

Sharyn,

In the darkness is where we all hold you the tightest. Hang in my mumsie, as always you are in my prayers. Mrgie

Anonymous said...

hey old lady,
sounds like you need a little break. Why not let max, kai, or jan hold the torch and get yourself out of there for a couple days. As caleb would say, "It's gonna be ok mum." Hope you both are feeling better today.
much love
judith

Alexandra Grabbe said...

Do not feel you have to always post "up" messages, Sharyn. I think we all rejoiced at the photos of Caleb, you, and Jenny a few days ago. It is normal to have down days and there is no reason to exclude them from your blog. Sounds like you need to get out in the middle of the National Seashore and really scream. I know that is not easy to do in the city. Remember to take care of yourself. As a former caretaker of my mom, I know the folks from hospice were always reminding me that I needed to take care of myself if I was to take good care of Beatrice. She was so very fond of you and loved having you drop by on holidays to say hello with your boys when they were small. You need to take good care of yourself to be able to take care of Caleb and part of that procedure may be getting some type of therapy, or simply screaming a while as I suggested earlier. Blogging helps, too. It is awesome the way you are sharing this experience with the world. Here in Wellfleet, we are all plugging for you both. I constantly have B&B guests who ask about Caleb. I tell them about the accident and your blog, and they go off sending him positive thoughts, too. Big hug from another mother of three ...

Anonymous said...

Sharyn i just read your post and am hoping the sunshine today will be uplifting to you -- you need to let yourself rest and be negative if you want -- it's ok. anonymous

Anonymous said...

Dearest Baroness Von Lindsay,

I hope today is a better day for you and Caleb. (but if it's still a sad one, no worries, we are all out here holding you up, praying for brighter skies ahead...) As everyone else said so beautifully, just go with it, go with the sadness, the anger, the joy, the pain when it hits, it's all part of the journey and speaking from experience when it's not released, it can swallow you up. So, when Caleb vomits...go right ahead and "vomit" with him.

The candles are lit for you both today-
Audrey

becky said...

Sharyn, As always the first thing I did this morning when I got to my office was sit down with a cup of coffee and check to see if there are any updates to Caleb's blog. My heart goes out to you today as every day. I don't know you personally, but feel I am getting to know you and your family and community daily. I sit here and shed some tears for all you are going through. I admire your courage. I'm pulling for you and your family and are in my constant prayers! I do believe that everything happens for a reason - fair or unfair. Have faith! Personally I have now come to cherish the normalicy of my life since I have been following Caleb's blog and pray that SOON SOON SOON you will be able to do the same. Hang in there! From Becky in Deerfield Beach, FL.

Anonymous said...

hang in there babe...there may be a few of these days ahead, but they WILL get fewer and fewer...and he WILL get better and better..i really look forward to working with him on that brain of his...i have taken classes in brain gym, and use it in my classes all the time! that head muscle just needs some excersize! love to you all.

Anonymous said...

Mornin' Sharyn, I so agree with your earlier friends...we care, and you owe us nothing-you are doing Caleb and all of us so much good by just being you. Missing the longer and gentler days of summer is harder away from the comforts of home. Let all of us be your candles in the dark, lighting the way back home for you and Caleb.

(My suggestion for a Boston family outing is Arnold Arboretum in Jamaica Plain. It's part of Harvard-their urban forest- and should be especially lovely when the leaves are turning).
May the forest be with you!
Janet

Anonymous said...

Sending prayers for continued healing, a big hug from a stranger, and best wishes for a better Tuesday! Keep the faith. Better days are surely around the bend.

Anonymous said...

Thank you, Sharyn, for sharing even your lows with us. We all have them, and sharing makes us all stronger. Knowing the lows, does make the bright days brighter. And,all things considered, your spirits are holding up remarkably well!
Love
Simone

Anonymous said...

Oh my sweet mumsie, I send to you hugs from a hundred arms and kisses from around the world. Of course it is a low day when he is low, how can you not be in sync with him and the way it makes you feel. Meds often used to make me sick to my stomach and cause me to throw up (and they still do sometimes, but after taking them everyday for years mentally you try to get used to it) and every time I saw how much it ripped my father emotionally apart it was ripping me up inside physically it would add another notch to the I feel bad for him having to deal with this, with me, but somehow knowing like parents do he would tell me he loved me and ask if there was anything he could do for me. Just that would help me feel better. Many times he would be upset because there was nothing more he could do for me other then get me something to eat, to drink, scratch my back, kiss my forehead, tell me stories, rub lotion on my legs or back, or simply hold my hand and comment on the colors or clouds in the sky. It was especially tough when I was having emotional days, because the hospital, any hospital, can be frustrating, scary, unforgiving, unpredictable at times, and even unfair; to make matters worse it is so confining but yet to make matters even worse than that and also sometimes better your mind can go so far away or so deep inside. But anyways I meant to say out of all of this rambling, I know sometimes things move too slowly or takes a lot out of you making an already difficult journey grueling and draining. Every time I had a low day yes my dad did too, and every time he was there holding my hand it meant the world to me and it would ease my breathing and calm my soul. Caleb will get to where we all want him, I have been dreaming of him often he is back to his spry, smiling, energetic self, only he will be stronger mentally and physically. The more dreams I have of him back home after all of this the closer and more realistic it becomes and feels. I wish I could send you or you could visit one of these dreams I have, for they feel so warm and comforting much like Caleb, and so real. I send all my love and strength for you and all of the Von Potter/Lindsay clan to use at your disposal all and any time.
Lots and lots of lipstick kisses (Personally I like a light pink lip gloss) (I don't know anyone who can look that good in Chanel besides you) and even more tender, warm, and strong hugs.
Love Rachael
P.s. My healing has slowed down tremendously so I too know of frustration and the unknown. My doctor might want to change my bandages maybe my body is getting immune to my meds or the type of bandaging I have had to do everyday, who knows I've been through many situations like this, waiting, hoping, wondering. The only thing they are keeping the same is the Oxygen Chamber five times a week at 8:20am in Randoulgh because it is the only thing we know for sure that is helping, even if it is a few millimeters at a time. Sorry to talk all about me, just wanted to let you know all of you; The boys, their girls, you, Jan (who I do not know but have seen him around exchanged a few words) and everyone who shares this fight we will keep fighting forever for Caleb have given me more hope and courage now and this summer when my own is/was beginning to wear thin, after 22 almost 23 years it can be tough and draining. So just whisper to Caleb and the family and you "thank you ever so much for so much and more" love me. I could never thank you enough for giving me my own strength and hope back, by having it for all of you and Caleb especially Caleb. His army always ready and waiting here for their Captain and of course the Captain's Mumsie!!!!

Anonymous said...

sharyn, your strength is uncomparable. Caleb has the same strength. He will keep fighting and so will you. I wish you peace even through this trying time. Cant wiat to see you and Calebs beatiful faces back in wellfleet.

Anonymous said...

There can be no such thing as absence of light when you are around, Sharyn. I firmly believe that you and your boys are made of the stuff of stars.

Love,
Mia

Anonymous said...

Just wanted to let you know I'm still reading and won't stop until there's no more need to update. You all are so strong, and thinking of you makes my heart hurt for Cape Cod (in the best possible way.)
Casey

Anonymous said...

Hi Sharyn,
I know that lots of people are offering suggestions of places to go and things to do to ease your pain-I want to add to the list. The Cowley Fathers Episcopal Monastery on Memorial drive in Cambridge is an incredibly tranquil haven. I went there once for an evening Vespers and found it incredibly calming and comforting...a sanctuary for anyone in need of soothing...peace

Anonymous said...

My dear Sharyn,
You are allowed to feel down but I know it isn't the best feeling in the world. Keep in mind that you are emotionally and physically exhausted. Caleb's system has gone thu hell and is probably still trying to adjust to food,fewer meds,activity,etc.I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all better.Love to all. Penny on St.John

Anonymous said...

Dear Sharyn-
I read the blog and tears of joy fall when I see so much love and compassion. It's ok to feel down. We - all the people here in your online community - hold you up high on our shoulders. Lean on us - YOU are the one who gives US so much strength thru your amazing journey. You are loved. Many kisses and hugs.