I must have walked by that B bus parked at Stop and Shop a thousand times over the course of the years, and never paid it any attention till today. I went searching for it, payed Caleb's fare and off he went independently to school. Now let me explain a little about the emotions I continuously go through in these situations....elation for one, knowing that Caleb is even able to do this, anger because this trip which usually takes 40 min from door to door will now take 1hr and 45 min because of all the stops....and these are disabled people riding this bus. Helplessness knowing that he will have to find his way to the classroom that he could not remember the last 3 times I drove him...and so then how will he find the bus coming back? Tenderness for the fragility of life that most people walk around not even aware of. Of course as I walked Caleb to the opened door, a young mother and tow headed little boy passed by reminding me, like a long, low punch in the gut, that I too was once full of wonder and contentment about all 3 of my sons, proud and smiling, walking unaware. It is a push/pull, tug of war in my heart almost every moment of the day. Blessings that we are still here to witness it, but shredded at the corners, and a bit tattered in our hearts.

Caleb's first day at college, and my stomach was rolled tighter than a joint!
So I sat with my back to the "real" world outside the cafeteria where all the students stood fashionably dressed, flirting and trading high fives, and watched Caleb and his new gang walk by, unnoticed. But I noticed that simultaneously two worlds could collide and smile and move forward, find new friends and find themselves, each at their own pace. So I sat (as I did when Caleb first went off to preschool) by the window and watched with trepidation, worry and concern till he turned towards me with the biggest grin on his face, and laughter in his eyes. And just as I did when he went off alone at age six, full of excitement and full of promise ....I wept.

CBS

For those of you who looked for us on Wed. morning show- we were bumped for the lady who got attacked by the monkey. "Breaking news" they called it. Otherwise I could have claimed that I was on the morning show with Michael Douglas and the President! I will let you know when they might be airing again, but then again, I could get bumped for a gorilla riding cowboy! Go figure.
We are well. Caleb was accepted, and will begin college classes in September. Project Forward is a spin-off from the Community College and accepts disabled persons into life teaching skills classes. I am thrilled for him, although his complaining sounds just like he did when he was 7. " School again?"

computer crash

Sorry - I have been out of commission with a broken computer. Funny how life comes to a halt without our newest toys around.
I finally held Caleb's yard sale last week and we made an amazing $5000.00...much more than I ever expected. Thanks to all who donated and to those who purchased. So now I am on the look-out for a ride which will transport Caleb and friends to different events. We are well on our way to a different kind of life.
If any of you chance to see it- we will be on CBS's early morning show this Wed. talking about life with TBI.
Kai just took off for burning man in Nevada..a badly deeded and well deserved break, Max is holding down the fort with me. Aunt Carol has been a life-saver this summer, taking Caleb for many spells so I could have some down time. I am looking forward to the fall with new energy and happier outlooks. With three years time under my belt, life does seem to collect itself and dishes out small pleasures...but pleasures non the less.....and I am living still in no mans land..but surviving.

I am grateful for the rain that fell last evening. It's refreshing and reminds me of why I love this Earth...the smells, the birds, the flowers laden with moisture and bending in a bow to me as I walk down the garden aisles and pass them this morning. Caleb had his first week of being back on the tides, and I imaging his elation feels to him like the rain feels to me. He has come home from digging with his brothers and Richard feeling hungry and so very tired, but the look on his face reminds me of the Old Caleb, and speaks to me of how very clearly he is still in there.
I wonder why sometimes that we were singled out to have this new life we have, why Caleb had to transform into someone new, why my smile does not reach the corners that it used to. There have been many a days where I could not fault Jan for leaving us in the way that he did...I too have come to understand that bottomless pit feeling, but on mornings like this I am glad that I am still here to witness miracles...even if they are just the beauty of a rainfall, or the smile on Caleb's face which is as brilliant as the sun that warms me.. Blessings

It has been three years now since that phone call came that catapulted me into the pit of despair that I have been diligently climbing out of ever since. It has transformed my little family of four into new people, hardly recognizable to me sometimes. There is a yawning gap between who we were, and who we have become, and are still becoming because of Caleb's accident. I am ever so proud of the boys and how they have handled responsibilities flung at them from all corners, accepted a mom who has been nothing short of distant at times, and have found peace with a father who resides now in their memories.
As I sat across the breakfast table from Caleb this early morning, I raised my coffee cup to his orange juice in a toast. " Caleb, your dignity through these past three years has been nothing short of miraculous. I am so happy that you determined to fight instead of giving up. I love that I am holding a warm hand, because it could have been so easily a cold body that I was touching for the last time. Thank you for being so brave."
A cloud shadowed his eyes making his face look ominous, clandestine.
Then he raised his glass higher and after a pregnant pause replied " Mom, I am trying to eat my breakfast"

Life goes on....and on...and on.

Happy fourth of July.

My life moves forward by simple inertia of willpower alone. It is a lonely place, this one I reside in. The reality sets in and bites a hole out of you...and the boys suffer in the frames of their eyes. But Caleb remains steady and lovely. Today a young man got out of his car after parking in my drive and from a distance ask if he could park there. Not seeing as well as I once did, I replied yes, of course thinking that he was here to visit. He wisked out his bike and was off before I could correct my mistake. I had the usual conversation with myself..who does he think he is?..I don't even know him! I will leave a note on his car so he won't do that again..blah, blah, blah. I quized Caleb on who he might be, because in his brief time here Caleb managed to walk over and say hello...adding more to my confusion of who he was. When I asked him if he recognized the fellow he said no, just some guy out for a ride..".but mom if you just go over and say hello, you will know him too"...simple as that. And I am once more reminded by Caleb that life is too short to be short ..with tempers, with judgement, with anger.
We struggle, we do..and every day I have to set the intention to make it through. But Caleb reminds me of goodness..always goodness.

They travel in tandem Toyota trucks under a taylored moon meant just for them...Kai and Max joining forces..unordinary for my youngest sons...each of them having a connection to Caleb, but not one to another..too close in age, and siding with a parent in their soul and body..so they have to reach, and reach far for one another to understand. Kai, who is more like me...and Max like his dad...an ever so slight tear in the mesh.. there is a discomfort to notice.....but times have called them forth..they reach to understand and discover the balance of who they are under that moon who guides them and beckons...come with me, come with me. No easy task...it is the harder path...but they walk it now willingly. Perhaps they will find themselves in eachother, minus Caleb pulling them in orbit onward in peace. The one who would bring them together is silent, and watching in hope.

I spot one lightning bug in my garden, and I smile with delight..a remembrance of days gone by, when on the farm we would, as children, catch them by the dozens and sometimes ( and I shudder at this thought) we would tear the sparkle off of them still glowing and attach them to our ring finger shining like a diamond..dreaming of the day we would receive this as a gift from the one we loved. I received this sparkle from Jan at the age of 28, and like the firefly, I thought we would glow forever.

When one dies at his own hand, it is a difficult subject to bring up..especially on a birthday. So I drove with Caleb to the beach today...and I spotted a rose..which I suspect Kai has delivered..a sprig of green, left perhaps by Red..a spray of sand deposited by Ellen...a remembrance from his first wife Marcia...a thought and praise dropped by Sarah..a twig left by Beals..who knows really...but I think all the players were there..and now I call Max who is down with a twisted and a painful ankle...and even he has gimped to the beach in honor of his dad. I am learning that love is not exclusive. I thought my love for him was the one and only...but others have loved as well...and I feel for him, as I do for my boys...that the more people who have loved you..well, all the better. I wanted to be exclusive to him, like the firefly's glowing body on my ring finger, glowing with the promise of love...but love was big for me, and even bigger for Jan. Happy birthday to one who was loved among many. I loved you in the best way I knew possible. ..I only wished it had been enough.

I was young, full of promise, full of myself and ripe with pregnancy,which seemed to suit me like a wearing a fine kid glove. I remember walking down the road that day, 28 years ago, and then realizing that I had gone into labor. I had unusual labors with all three of my sons, fast and furious, and in 45 minutes ..there would be a child. My friend Jodi teases that "Oh, Sharyn just hiccups and says Oh it's a boy!" But back to the walk. By the time I neared the house I was crawling on all fours. Jan was building the home we would live in, we were camped out in a small cottage on the property with no running water, no electricity, and in between the screeches of the saw blade, I was screeching his name, to no avail. The primary midwife was called and did not make it on time, but the water was boiled on the grill because Jan thought he had to boil water, I gave birth to a blonde, blued eyed boy by flashlight in a cabin, in the woods, His spirit was born on that day as well. Adventuresome, fearless, determined, fated but free.

Happy birthday Caleb...you will always remain as dear to me as the very first time our eyes locked in love.

Sometimes you just wake up and wonder why. Why this fate, why this life? Why me? I have been hesitant to write as of late because I have felt I was decieving you, but mostly myself... and not wanting to write non-truths, I instead just did not write at all. So many frustrations have cropped up along with my spring flowers so that I feel I have a field of dissapointments. I began to write about all my happenings and moving forward, which in so many ways we have done...but the truth remains...and no other holiday reminds me more than Mother's day, the truth remains that I am reminded on a second to second basis.. just how fragile life is.. how so many of us never felt anything could ever happen to our loved ones...and then a few of us get singled out..and life changes so radically from that point on. The truth is that in spite of moving on and getting hailed for doing "great things", I am still stuck in such an unbelievable saddness...I miss my old Caleb so very much. Caleb goes to town and everyone tells me how wonderfully he is doing..and yes, he is. But the behind the scenes goes something like this... I wake early to have just a moment of my time before the day begins with Caleb..but he is keen on my movements and my presence, and he wakes earlier than before...so there goes that moment of peace. He needs to be reminded of the most simple things each day, like changing a shirt after a shower, the most basic things..and I feel like a bitch having to bark orders at him..a brain injured person; still it all gets so old after awhile. One would think that going out in a crowd would be pleasant, a distraction at least...but it is the proverbial knife in the back feeling when I see his old friend shun him for a more interesting, fast paced conversation. Jennie visited with the news that she has a new man, a new life...something I knew had to happen ( but Og God, the pain in his eyes) Each night is play cards, play cards, play cards....I am worn and sad and tired of this game..of all of it. In the vein of moving forward, I did manage to get him into a day program in Yarmouth, but Mass Health denied his transportation...so I drove him to and from till I realized it was defeating the purpose of having some time alone. Money dwindles daily. Life just is not that fun anymore. Someone said to me that it is our God given right to "have a life"...but is it really? Because when you are faced with the reality of a disabled child, your life becomes theirs..no other way around it, thank you very much!
I am trying, struggling to find peace with this.. I am worried sick about Caleb's future...nothing that I attempt seems to come to fruition because of one road block or another...it is wearing at best.....Still I am reminded that just as you are at the lowest point, the answer comes walzing around the corner...so I hold on, and hold on, and hold on in anticipation. These are my truths.. a mixed bag daily of small grins and big dissapointments...of asking why over and over again. Now I feel more honest, and I thank you allowing it, encouraging it.
Happy mother's day to all mothers ( and fathers who take their place). It is a spiritual gift...and one that I plan to learn accept gracefully, no matter what the situation. Sharyn

Jan's anniversary always hangs heavily over us.
I came across an article printed shortly after Caleb's accident where Jan was quoted saying " we expect a full recovery" and I was astonished with his directness and his confidence in Caleb. Where I have faultered and lost my way so many times over the past years...he, on some level, was convinced that Caleb would be fine.
I sat in bed late night, last night pondering this and have come to the conclusion that Jan's strength has asked of me to reconsider my position, to look at my lack of faith ..and to turn it around. That quote has made me realize how much I fret, how much I worry, how much I fear..and in doing so, am I not really attesting to a lost faith in Caleb?
So today I have made up my mind to trust the process, to think outside of the box, to really believe in this boy whom I love and know well enough to know that he, and he alone possesses the ability to heal..and I need only to get out of his way.
Thank you Jan! God Bless.

Finally a moment to catch up with you . Caleb and I hit the ground running when we got back from Portsmouth. Spring is in the air...and so, so very much to do. First of all my cutting garden. Long Pond Farm is the chosen name..and I thank you for all the wonderful, interesting thoughts on what to call it, but this resonated with me. But the best part is that I have decided to try to put together a house full of Brain Injured people in what was once my home, so that Caleb will have a social structure and a life that does not always include just me. This inspiration came from a young man who used to work for me long ago who stopped me in the street and gave me a beautifully carved sign which read... The Potter's room. It was a "sign" to me. A room for Mr. Potter and all who would join him on this new life adventure. So ..we will kick off a celebration...I think on Caleb's birthday.... May 31st to try to raise money for a car which can transport many.. through the many efforts of my friends . A yard sale is in order - perhaps you have something you would donate...that chair in the basement you no longer need..a collection of old bottles, a vase from grandma that you feel guilty about parting with, but secretly hate...I hope to see all of you from near -- or far. I am totally excited about this "life after death" feeling which has been creeping up on us, promising a better life for all under this roof. I will keep you posted...while you hopefully can collect items for our sale! Love ya, S

Home again, home again. Giggidy, gigg!

I have returned to the
Cape a transformed woman.

Being around TBI survivors for a month has been so inspirational. Evey word out of their mouths changed the story of the world for me, revised the original version. Through their stories, their narrative, creative seeds burst into life. I felt I was perched on the crest of a mountain, rethinking everything I have always known to be, and feeling ripe.
The most astonishing memory that I will keep tucked in my heart, is the fact that none of these survivors...not the ones in wheel chairs, not the girl who cannot speak, not the ones with limps or scars across their faces, not the one who lost his football scholarship because of a drunk driver......not a one of them ...ever...ever complains! The effect of their stories is a medicine that has greased and oiled and hoisted the pulleys of my heart into healing.
Caleb's accident, if I give pause to think about it, has offered me a gift.

He has granted me a little piece of magic.