We are bound as a family to Caleb and his physical/ mental condition, so instead of trying to overcome it, which would be futile and frustrating, we instead simulate his handicap in order to understand it. We have all slowed down a pace; we all talk a bit more leisurely, we saunter to wherever we are destined to go , we mosey through meals, we delay chores,.... in short, we are living the way that I believe we were all meant to-- a fine tuned, metronomic pace of slowly measured ticks that moves us through the day...not huridly, but well marked and almost casual... as if we are living in a dream.
.....and the effects on our personalities? well..I should have behaved this way long ago. Not much can ruffle me, not much can shock me, not much can give rise to my temper.... I have lived through hell and have come through the other side of darkness back to light. I appreciate more, and the subtle changes in my personality are welcomed guests who I wish will never take leave.

It is by no means a picnic having a child who has suffered so many humilities as Caleb has. It is no means a simple task to traverse the choppy waters of suicide with your children, ...but long ago in a younger phase of my life I vaguely recall a dream I once had where as an older woman, I was standing with my three sons , old and tired and towered over by them now that I had shrunken to a diminished size. But it is the look in their eyes that I remember clearly as they peered down on me with love and I call to mind the fullness of pride that welled up inside...and I know that we will make it to that very same point...... somewhere down the line.