I can tell you that when I want to, I can conjure up Caleb's voice. It comes to me at night when I think he is calling to me, but when I wake the voice turns pale-- the color of a person who has just died or that of one who has not yet been born.
I am trying to turn the corner.
I arrived on the shores of Cape Cod when I was 21. But mostly it is my 22 birthday that I remember because my mother made such a fuss, for some unknown reason, over the day of birthdays which coincided with the day of birth .. so I turned 22 on the 22nd of June - my birth- date. and I was celebrating alone without family - exhilerated to be as far East as one could possibly go..young and feeling free... a bit frightened..but did I mention free? - oh yes so free!
I did not intend to stay here. I was destined to go to Wyoming, or Utah to become a cow girl.. that was my calling. Instead, after staying here a few years, working to make enough money to move, I met a handsome young man -and simply after one day after our chance meeting.. I found myself exclaiming to my girlfriend
" I have just met the man I am going to marry" then just as quickly I found that I sucked in those words because I could not believe that I had uttered them. I was not the marrying type...and even the girls in high school voted me the most likely to travel and never settle down.
So... My first major mistake - getting married because I thought it was what my mother wanted of me - it would bridge the gap, make her happy..make us closer --- so I did what I thought was right instead of what I thought was me -- -----Life became a a blur of babies, bedlam, bottles and barters for sleep ...and soon my handsome young man was no longer as interested in me.
I remember the look that passed between them on the forth of July. ( The universe loves to choose the same dates in order to to drive things home.) The graze of eyes was electric and was seared into my brain. It does not matter what her name is - or even the face...because, as I have painfully learned, someone else would have filled the shoes if not her.. what matters is what I have now long after discoverd... I had been vying for my mother's attentions , have not learned to love myself enough, did not choose myself over her, and therefore gave my power over to someone else. I invited her in!
We have been locked in battle ever since... till now. I had a chance encounter with her today...no different than before - we ignore eachother and slide by like slimy snails ...but this time I stopped to remember who I am and and I knew that if she knew all the horrific thoughts I have had of her over the years.. she would laugh out loud as I am doing now...and I realized that above all.. as it was when I turned 22 ..all I want is freedom. I will be choosing myself this time around - thank you very much!

So tonight's voice, along with Caleb's stengthening voice will be mine - strong and clear -- I will perservere, I will choose for myself, I will pay attention to myself above all, I will choose differently -- Thank you my beloved Caleb for showing me the way! Thank you for helping me to turn the corner.