There are days, maybe now even stretches of days where I really do envision us as" making it", then with a single blow we enter into a night like last night, which threatens to unravel us to one single silken thread that some bird will most likely spot and simply add to her nest...leaving absolutely nothing left of us behind.

Kai is sporting anger, which like a cheap suit, does not sit well on him. It bulges out here and there and it folds and crumples him and makes him into someone I cannot recognize. I am worried again, and sleepless after a longdrawn out night of sitting up with Max, who is suffering inside and does not have the tools to work through this particular pain of ours . So I pace and I fret and I run between rooms to check on Caleb, and then to check on Kai and then back to Max, all of whom have become patients in their own way in this hospital house of mine. I am wearily making my way through night shift and don't know where I will find the strength to continue into another day.
I have been accused of writing of things too personal to share here in this space, but I feel strongly that if we can give a name to someting frightening, it then becomes more familiar and is forced out of the closet so that we can face it down with integrity. If I can reach but perhaps one young mother who is traveling down the road that I did and I can get her to recognize this and turn around , then this writing , this spillig of my soul is worth it to me.
When Max was young and Jan and I were recently separated, against my better judgement, I allowed him to become Jan's child. I think that at the time I believed that it would somehow link Jan to us and force him to become the father he never knew how to become ..I was wrong. The effects have been just the opposite and Max resides in a body that is prisoner to this miscalculation.
It has taken me years to reconcile the love that people had for Jan and the distaste I had for his ways. With age and experience under my belt, I have realized that he could be both -- and both he was--a loyal friend, a "great guy", a wonderful boyfriend...but to us, and to me in particular, he was difficult at best to understand.. My mistake, and one that I so regret...was in letting Max be the "fall guy " who got caught in the battle between.
I should have insisted, in spite of Max's loyalty, on wisking him away and taking him back into the fold. I simply did not trust my instincts the way that I do now , and even tho I can forgive myself for this, I am left with the risidual mess that I helped to create.

And now I apologize if I have spilled too much...but I am weary and tired and forelorn.......the night shift is over and I am just wanting to find a sliver in the clouds where the sun might reach us again.