It is a coyote night- big moon with flooding light to catch a glimpse of the animals of the night who usually dart about unseen. Beauty in disguise.
Caleb has given me a new life ...a questioned life now.... I stare at a picture that Claus took in his circular window..it is me when I was young and beautiful- tho I did not at all know it then and could not begin to see it because I did not feel it--now I look into the mirror - and tho I am wrinkled and have sun spots with brows that turn gray in spite of constant plucking..-.. I finally know how beautiful I am. I can ferret out just how flawed I am and I like myself in spite of it all. This is true beauty.
As I mentioned, I have been cleaning all week ... but the house of me is still dirty....
I grew up with a healthy dose of mistrust of women and so that is what I drew to me in spades-- women I could not trust. There is one in particular who looms darkly in the corner- who like the coyote lurks and reminds me that she is dangerously darting about and it is only with acceptance that I can rid. I am trying to see the flip side of the coin in all things - and as I was today contemplating this woman I realized that because of her I have invited and introduced into my life women who I can truely trust and who love me. I have moved beyong those dark, frightening boudaries and will never have to revisit that pain. In this she has been a gift and I can let go from the suffering that like liitle wrapped feet binds me to such discomfort.
With Jan - I am asking what part I played that could possibly have him hate me as he has...hate me---- the person who once adored . How did we get here? I am trying to remember what I once loved about him that I now bury so deep to keep the self-righteousness so infallibly alive....because of him I have learned to be a self- examining, self reliant human being. Always keeping myself in check and knowing who I am as a result of it. He has given me the gift of faith and belief in myself - and what better gift than this!
Caleb is well- he resides in my every waking breath- this is an all incompassing job and one that I have been groomed for- for all of my life. The tough get tougher and I now know that in all of my weak moments , where I had to call on every ounce of strength to get me though--well those are my coyote moments-- lurking and preparing to catch a glimpse---of the unseen beauty that is mine and mine alone.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
20 comments:
one word.........INNNTENSE!
We each walk our own paths - for a reason.
The same coyote moon shines over us all tonight. It illuminates not only what we see, but how we see.
You are strong.
You are beautiful.
You are loved.
Deb
Sharyn, Wow! Where to begin? You are, continue to be, and always will be an outwardly beautiful woman. But, everyone who knows you, loves you ,and maybe even envies you, does so for your inner beauty as well, the whole package, all of you. Look back at this blog over the past 8 months, you have inspired the nation. If I recall that picture you are referring to, you are crouching in a large circle with your arms open to the world, and now you have risen and stand tall, and are such a great example to so many of us.
Your insight continues to amaze us all (if I may speak for others), and your willingness to confront issues and share them with us all.
When I worked in schools they used to say that "teachers teach what they need to learn the most" - funny that I taught conflict resolution skills! I used to avoid conflicts, still do now and then, but not the big ones. Look at you, thanking Jan for bringing out your strength and independence, and being grateful for it - that is just wonderful.
Before I had my own children, I would observe your parenting skills and always thought to myself that I hope be can be as good a parent as she is, or a fraction thereof. I always remember you being patient, fair, open-minded, fun, and a wonderful spirit of adventure- what a great combination. The result is 3 wondeful guys, each an individual in their own right, with a strong sense of self.
Thanks for the inspiration on all fronts - you rule!
Love,
Claus
Over the course of my 50 years I have come to be sure of just a few things...one of which is that there is a gift in every situation. It very rarely appears in an obvious package - it almost never looks the way we think it will. Sometimes we recognize the gift right away - sometimes it takes years of work to decipher - sometimes the gift dawns on us in the middle of some completely other situation like a bolt from the blue - but the gift is always present.
We get it when we're ready, when we can handle it, when it will be meaningful...and this isn't always when we think it should be, either.
The trick is remaining open - listening through our pain and anger and fear for the whistle of the gift-wind comin' through the door. Honing our peripheral vision to catch the gift-wisps out of the corners of our eyes. Softening the icy corners of our damaged hearts just enough to let the gift-fingers caress the black and blue spots.
Sharyn - your beauty is plain obvious to me and mine...Your absolute glow bowled us over way back when - bowls us over now...I'm so glad that you are able to see it - to see it and know that the sun spots, gray hairs and wrinkles are integral parts of it...they signify experience and wisdom and a strong life-force and add incomparable depth and meaning to the beauty that's always been.
I hear you howling at the moon, girl, and it's music to my ears!
Big Love,
Susan
wow! woman you have rocked my core again this morning. You are amazing inside and out. It is your insides that make you so beautiful outside. . and the fab body and sexy hair doesn't hurt either.
You're right about the past leading you up to today and with that every shitty thing that made you scab up a bit had a bigger purpose.
You didn't know you were beautiful back then and you didn't know how much you would be tested later in life either. GOOD FUCKING THING FOR BOTH OF THOSE!!!
Life is great when we have a purpose. Your there.
xoxox,settie
I know you write on this blog as a release, to get things out that you normally couldn’t. What happen to Caleb was tragic in the beginning, but I think has been a blessing in so many ways as well. We (strangers and friends) have all changed because of this experience.
Accolades you are not looking for, but damn woman you have them. You are strong, beautiful, independent, and amazing. Thank you for helping us all to look into our lives a bit deeper and helping us to learn. You are the teacher, we the adoring students.
J
Sharyn,
So once we where young and now we are all a little older. Wiser? I hope so... Beauty has many definitions. I doubt any one visiting here could define yours in a short simple sentence. I know I can't!
We have relationships in life where people take a 180 degree turn we never expected. I wished I knew the answer how to handle those occurrences. When you find that answer let me know…. Some people just up and suddenly change there direction in life. One foot in front of the other is all I know. Just like Caleb, you do that very well!
The tough get tougher….
Kevin
I wish I had the courage to examine my self like you are. Love to you from Ali Manchester UK
The soul, like the moon,
is new, and always new again.
And I have seen the ocean
continuously creating.
Since I scoured my mind
and my body, I too, Lalla,
am new, each moment new.
My teacher told me one thing,
Live in the soul.
When that was so,
I began to go naked,
and dance.
LALLA Translated by Coleman Barks
Dear Sharyn,
As always I remain awed and grateful for the courage you so willingly display for us. It is strange to have someone beyond my day-to-day life have such an impact on my life, but it is true. I turned 40 this week, and I've been looking to use this milestone to be more open, honest and accepting of how things have gone down in the past 40 years. I've also chosen a few new challenges for myself that center around redefining what I tell myself are my limits. You have no idea what an inspiration you are to this mother, wife and teacher looking to move past my own ceilings. Thank you for the many gifts you've given. Lisa K.
It is said that the brightest light casts the darkest shadow. Namaste.
Lesa
Sharyn,
I truly believe that all of our emotions, love, faith, trust, beliefs, and yes, forgiveness are unconditional when we are still safe and snugg in the womb.
It is only when we are born into this world that life changes and happens as it does.. and we learn about mistrust, anger, animosity, fear, ect.
You, Sharyn have come full circle, and I was thinking in regards to a previous post-poem by LALLA that you are ready to go SKINNY-DIPPING!!!
peace
You are an astounding woman Ms. Sharyn! Simply astounding! Refreshing, yet again, and brutally honest!
I don't know you, but I love you and ALL that you have shared and ALL that you represent.
Beautiful words flow from such a beautiful woman.
Godspeed
Yah! You are beautiful!!!!!!!!!
Luv ya hott Mama!
Xo..Clance
Swearing is OUT!
Beauty is IN!
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, someone said.
Baring your soul? Enough said already. Be well, go forward!
One wonders why it takes almost a whole lifetime to see to the heart of things. As I have gotten older I have seen all the time I wasted thinking that it (what?!) was my fault, that I was to blame for everything, anything, that I had to be guilty of something, that I was not honest, I was not true, I was not pretty, I was never truly me...it was all a show..I was always pretending to be the happy -go-lucky one, when inside I was miserably sad. I now realize that I was a product of my upbringing, Irish-Italian Catholic in a family rife with depression....how much more (non-existent)guilt can one carry? I went through life filled with a vague sense of shame, never really knowing why or what I was ashamed of, thinking everyone felt this way. It was not until my later years that I realized that while a lot of us have these thoughts, mine were paralyzing me with their venom. I found that while I looked at my self one way, my friends saw someone else entirely, a good person, trustworthy, honest and true, fun and funny, with a beauty that goes well beyond skin deep. With age comes wisdom,it is said, and I have to believe it is truly spoken. On the cusp of my fiftieth year on this planet, I have finally come to an accommodation with the Peg that is inside and the one I show to the world...they are one and the same at last, genuinely happy, serenely settled, and filled with (mostly) good thoughts about myself and those who have come into my life and those of whom I have let go. Life is about learning and the lessons are wicked hard at times, but I know now that an unexamined life is not worth living, and time's a-wastin'!
Thank you Sharyn, for the reminder.
As always, with hope,
peg from PA
Beautiful
by Christina Aguilera
Every day is so wonderful, then suddenly,
It's hard to breathe
Now and then, I get insecure from all the pain
I'm so ashamed
I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down, oh no
So, don't you bring me down today
To all your friends, you're delirious
So consumed in all your doom
Trying hard to fill the emptiness, the pieces gone,
Left the puzzle undone, is that the way it is?
You are beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring you down, oh no
'Cause you are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring you down, oh no
So, don't you bring me down today
No matter what we do
No matter what we say
We're the song inside the tune
Full of beautiful mistakes
And everywhere we go,
The sun will always shine
And tomorrow we might
Awake on the other side
'Cause we are beautiful no matter what they say
Yes, words won't bring us down, no no
We are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring us down, oh no
So, don't you bring me down today
Don't you bring me down today
Don't you bring me down today
AND SHARYN.....you are just that...beautiful! Only someone beautiful would bare her soul with a universe of friends that may possess the same fears and angst, criticisms, and epiphanies. We all need to breathe deeply and the inner beauty is there for ourselves to discover. Besides, "outer beauty" runs its course and is, well, just a facade for what lies beneath.
Beautiful
by Christina Aguilera
Every day is so wonderful, then suddenly,
It's hard to breathe
Now and then, I get insecure from all the pain
I'm so ashamed
I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down, oh no
So, don't you bring me down today
To all your friends, you're delirious
So consumed in all your doom
Trying hard to fill the emptiness, the pieces gone,
Left the puzzle undone, is that the way it is?
You are beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring you down, oh no
'Cause you are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring you down, oh no
So, don't you bring me down today
No matter what we do
No matter what we say
We're the song inside the tune
Full of beautiful mistakes
And everywhere we go,
The sun will always shine
And tomorrow we might
Awake on the other side
'Cause we are beautiful no matter what they say
Yes, words won't bring us down, no no
We are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring us down, oh no
So, don't you bring me down today
Don't you bring me down today
Don't you bring me down today
AND SHARYN.....you are just that...beautiful! Only someone beautiful would bare her soul with a universe of friends that may possess the same fears and angst, criticisms, and epiphanies. We all need to breathe deeply and the inner beauty is there for ourselves to discover. Besides, "outer beauty" runs its course and is, well, just a facade for what lies beneath.
I remember writing a few months ago when you were looking out on that cold moon in Boston that I sometimes think of the moon as the nightlight of the Great Spirit. The full moon we’ve been having this week is as much floodlight as anything. Revealing all that tries to hide in the shadows.... Then an eclipse comes along to keep it in its place and cast a softer glow.
Sometimes to clean the debris from the corners of our lives we need a cold bright full moon to light up some of the not so pleasant things in our past for us to consider and put in perspective given new knowledge and awareness. And when it gets too intense we need that softening interlude of an eclipse to help us reflect and remember how quickly things change and to remember to forgive.
In that bright light also comes a awareness or reawareness of profound hidden beauty that is has been hidden in the darkness.
If we are to be emotionally healthy for ourselves and our families and continue to grow we are all works in progress and it is that word “progress” that is so key. We progress because we continue moving forward. Recasting our bearings from new knowledge and experiences and having the courage to face the sometimes cold and harsh truth and the darkness but to be willing to forgive ourselves and others, that is our challenge and our progress.
Your winter cleaning is quite poignant and I admire your courage and determination. I wish for you gentle passage and softness in your reflections and keen awareness of that hidden beauty that is being revealed. I also wish a cleansing lightness like the air after a summer storm….. and I wish you great peace.
jeff
Post a Comment