This will be my last entry. With the decreasing numbers in people who respond, I at first felt hurt and a little dismayed, (I have come to rely on you so) but upon closer inspection, I realized that those faith-filled people (as all of you are) who have moved on, had come to some kind of conclusion that Caleb is fine and it will be alright for them to proceed with their lives trusting that we in turn will be fine without them............and this is so.
A private letter to me...
I admit to being schizophrenic.
I live a double life. The outside Sharyn is full of laughter and luster. A whirlwind of tosseled blonde hair who can't sit still for a moment. A sneering perpetual grin smeared across my face, spread thickly; a peanut butter and jelly smile with licking lips as tho perhaps I actually witnessed the original sin. People are drawn in....But I hide the real me deep inside like a prisoner in lock down. Even in brief moments when the doors were flung wide open, I never let myself escape to freedom.
I hid the real me......... I thought there was virtue in this.
The thief of my soul who sent me to the shackles answers to the name of hatred. Even as I write this I find a delicious comfort in the idea of exposing names and faces attached, but I have learned that revenge does not peace bring, and through all of eternity the theme may be the same while the names and faces change- ----but how you change is what counts. I have allowed myself to wallow in self-pity for years and now all I seek is the peace that forgiveness brings.
There is no simple highway that leads to the road of Caleb's accident. It is salt and peppered with faces that bridge to one-another in a twisting, turning, connect the dots, dangerous course... one that I perpetuated with the velocity of venom.
Everyone who you will ever meet has a connection to you ....the trickle down effect of who you are and how you conduct your life is staggering and comes full circle........and so the story goes.
I would not learn ...... how to forgive. I realize that I held pain so tightly to myself that it began to feel like home, even as it began to choke me. I now realize that to forgive means not that you agree with the behaviors of others, but rather that you agree with yours ...and in doing so you beckon freedom to yourself ......and with that the clutch around your throat lets loose with a sigh that can be heard way up in the unearthly blue.... . If you walk away from this scrawl without checking yourself and cleaning out your closets that are blanketed with the need for forgiveness- then I have lost what I have set out to expose.........Hate remains till pride is gone!
I cannot bear to begin to imagine that I will ever laugh again. Will I be destined to seek out new friends whose children's lives have been altered like mine because I cannot any longer listen to the lovely prattle of everyday conversation? Will Caleb's well intentioned friends slowly move forward and quickly leave him behind? Will I be forced to watch young men dance with their mothers on their wedding day while I claw at my silken dress? Who got to toss the coin of fate for him and where will he land? Like the lucky penny ? – face up and we will anxiously bend to it with a promise of good fortune or will we rear back and ignore it as we attempt to stall our fate as it lands face down?
The feel of this pain is like staring in to the wide opened, gaping mouth of the child whose balloon was whisked away from pudgy hand in a sudden flurry of wind.
The silence in that moment before the wail comes forth is where I reside.
I have left a thousand footsteps in the sand in a feeble attempt to be counted on this Earth and to be remembered. But footsteps are meant to be washed away with a gushing tide that wipes the slate clean and prepares for the next set of travelers to walk on uncharted sands, tricking them into thinking they were the first.
More than anything in this world---I want my Caleb back..........
but now our old footsteps have been erased by the moon's mocking grin ..... and we walk forward digging our toes into granules that have swallowed many a mother's tears.
Bless all of you for walking with us.
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88 comments:
Sharyn,
We're going to miss your thoughtful insights to human nature, and of course your poignant tales of daily struggles! But, Caleb is getting better and moving onward and upwards, and that's what we'll miss the most, the updates and the positive thoughts that accompany those updates! We'll hope to see you around town then, love and kisses!
Allison + Chopper
I've never posted before, but I just wanted you to know how much we appreciate all you've done to share yours & Caleb's story with us. I've read every entry and check back almost daily to see if there are new updates on Caleb's progress or even just some more of your insight! Please know that even if we aren't all writing, we are still checking and sending warm thoughts your way and praying for the best for you & your family.
Take care & may God bless your family and continue to heal Caleb.
Noooo. Don't go. Just cause people don't respond doesn't mean they're not out there.
Fair winds...
Sweet Sharyn, if you feel that we have left you then you are wrong. I have a profound sadness that rings in your words and pass onto me. Dont let go of this family, I urge you. Look at the site meter, we are still with you. 3806 visits just this week. You seem low, depressed and worried. Sometimes too much analysis is not good for the soul. We will continue to carry your heavy heart if you need us. Bless you, Caleb, Max, Kai, Jennie, Spudsy, Tim and all those who have travelled this path. Ali Manchester UK
Sharyn,
i've posted only a few times, but I check the blog twice a day. a day hasn't gone by where i haven't sent positive energy and thoughts your way. I will continue sending energy each and every day. best of everything to you, caleb and the rest of your family.
peace from Los Angeles
Sharyn,
I posted once back in August. My family and I went to dinner in Fleet while we were staying in Chatham for the week. We saw all of the signs in the Fleet shops and on the roads that all read so proudly, "Pray for Caleb Potter." Upon our return to Chatham, I immediately googled our lovely title character and up poped this blog. Needless to say I have been captivated by your posts and the updates on everyone who touches your world. I check everyday for entries on the famous green background and black writing and I pray for him and for you every night. I cannot express how much his story has touched me, and I will strongly miss reading about his progress. Please know that I, and so many others, will always be supporting you whether it is through this blog or not. Be well.
Kate
Sharyn-
I, too, have never posted but have been a faithful blog follower and supporter of you, Caleb, and your family. As a friend of a Wellfleetian, I have followed from the beginning,and have cried and prayed with you and for you. Your writing is remarkable, and you could easlily turn your journal/blog into a book. Having worked at a Ronald McDonald House, I am no stranger to a family's pain when a child is ill or injured. You are a phenomenal mother and Caleb is lucky to have you on his side. Blessings to you and yours from Maine, and please gift us with at least occasional updates. We are still with you.
Sharon,
You are in a painful place right now but please know I care about you all even though we have never met. I am another who hasn't posted but continues to check each day for updates.
I hope you will see things differently soon and will continue to let us know how Caleb is doing. For many of us it will be the only way we can keep track of the special guy we have come to love.
Just letting you know I care.....
Sharyn,
I have written a couple of times in the past. Just a blast from the past. However, since I've known of this blog, I as well have checked in twice daily. Not only for updates on Caleb... but I feel like I've had a therapy session after reading your words. I'm analyzing my own life deeper because of you. I stopped writing, because as Caleb seemed on a strong road to recovery, I felt that you needed to hear more from those truly close to you.
Now I'm not so sure that was the thing to do. I'll miss you.
Margie
What the hell was THAT about??!!!
Sharyn, What a shock to see your post. It is sad to think that you feel we have abandoned you when so many of us still read and post every time you post something. I would have been delighted to read that you have decided to stop because you do not need us, but that is not the message you are leaving. I hope that if this is a cry for help that you know we are still here for you. Please don't leave in anger or sadness. YOu are not alone.
Amy from western MA
Oh, Sharyn--
You are, indeed, superbly skilled at hiding your feelings. I would never have known that this was going on inside you.
I will be horribly sad to lose your updates on the blog. I know that I've been lax in commenting lately, but that's because I can never seem to find words beautiful enough to match the ones you write. Reading your posts has been a source of inspiration and joy, and your words have touched something in me which I never came close to before.
If you want to stop sharing your posts with the world, that is entirely your choice, but please don't stop writing for yourself. Nothing in the world will help as much as writing will, even if it's only scribbling on scraps of paper.
For the record, I think that you've been handling this situation with extraordinary grace. Of course you have dramatic highs and lows; who in your position would not? Your boundless love for your son makes this all the more torturous for you--but know that it's okay to feel that pain. I wish that we could shoulder some of it for you.
I will miss the blog more than I can say. The stories of Caleb's triumphs and struggles have illuminated the depths of human courage and strength in a way that I have never seen.
My respect and admiration are yours forever, Queen Sharyn. I firmly believe that you can do anything, and you, madness and grace and beauty and bravery and love and all, are utterly spellbinding.
Luck and joy to you and your boys.
Love,
Mia
I read about Caleb's accident last July. We were on vacation the following week down the cape. I saw the pirate flags in wellfleet and ptown on cars and in yards. I have been reading your blog for months and feel so much for your family, I have never posted but do think of your family often and am so impressed with the way you all have stepped up in the face of such challenges. My prayers are with you all.
Please continue to write! If not for us who read your blog every day / but for your self. In all your hardship, you have emerged a true writer, sometimes reminding me of Joan Didenon's Year of magival thinking
Best of luck
Eva
Dearest Sharyn-
I have not written in a while and carry the guilt of so many others who check in on your blog, smile, frown, laugh, or cry like babies. I have kept the link to this site on my desk top and never really thought that you needed the reassurance of writers to continue. You however are like ay other living thing. You need nurturing and sustanance to continue. I apologize for not adding comments to your hearfelt blogs. I wish you would continue to lift our spirits
SharYN,
I am thinking that you are feeling very down and maybe having a rough time finding a balance now - you are in an in-between state, I think - Caleb is home, gone are those days and months in the hospital, where you KNEW very clearly what your purpose was and where you needed to be......now, it's not all that clear.
You are at home, with your healing boy, AND you need to pay attention to YOU - pick up your own life and mesh the two together. It does NOT sound like an easy road to walk - much less find the right direction to start.
We are here - I can tell you that.
I for one, have NEVER left. Do I know you? No. I live in New York and have read your blog at least every day. Our family feels a bit silly for it, but we are hoping to meet you and yours this summer in Wellfleet - we still do.(we are renting a home in walking distance to yours, it looks like)!
It's funny Sharyn, how people's thoughts and perceptions can be SO off from what is true.
Do you know that I have posted here only to erase my posts sometimes, thinking that it would be of absolutely no importance to you?
I have often thought that you may think the folks who post here who you don't know are nuts - thinking we have no lives, or are just plain nutty to be posting to a woman we don't know, about a boy/man we have never met.....and there you have been, looking for those posts, and when fewer and fewer came, you decided we didn't care.
I hope you see that there is another lesson here.....and I know that YOU will find the words that will make it articulate and poetic!
We are all walking a road and here, on your blog-we meet and join hands.....don't break that bond....we need you, just as you say you need us.( I was so shocked to hear you say that)!
Caleb can and will continue to heal, with or without this link - but maybe you, and we, all the folks who have grown to care so much for you will suffer a loss....
Stick with us Sharyn, hold on and walk with us.....spring is coming.
Nancy in NY
I certainly have the same sentiments as all the posts that have come before mine. I have used you blog as a tool with my own family of five boys. And how real and inspring it has been. Please do not leave feeling as if we have moved on. Your life is much a part of ours even though the words have been less.
Much Love
My friend -
Your search for the relief that forgiveness brings seemed til now to be on track - each day a new revelation; some monumental, some just a wink, and permission granted to yourself to feel what you're feeling as you feel it.
If your choice to stop posting is driven by the dwindling numbers of responses please read today's comments and know how many of us (so many who never write) check for your updates and insights...for news of Caleb's progress and a good dose of your remarkable poetry. We will all miss your voices and faces and the generosity with which you have included us in the journey. My life has been filled with more than the usual share of trauma and drama and prolonged winter angst for the last few weeks - I think that February treats us all badly, in one way or another....Perhaps the silence you're experiencing is due in part to the deepness of the season.
If the choice is the next step in your movement toward a new normalcy - such as it can be - please know that we all support you and will continue to wish you Godspeed. My "unit" is planning a trip for the 4th of July - we feel the need to witness Yellowbeard come full circle...and to do it in the company of the incredible community born out of this blog.
Whatever the motivation, we will miss you. We won't stop lighting our candles, saying our prayers and hoping with all that we have for the very best for Caleb and Jennie and Max and Kai and you.
Hannah's scissors, my soup pot, the espresso maker and a few choice bottles of wine are waiting, stoically, for the 15th - and we'll be in touch as our week draws near.
As always, the most substantial Big Love from me and mine,
Susan
I haven't been commenting lately, but I check in every day and pray for you all. Whatever you decide, I wish you and your family all health and happiness.
Dear Sharyn.
I am disappointed to hear that you are not continuing with the blog, but I also recognize that this means that there is less to update on, and therefore that Caleb must be on the road to recovery.
About a week ago I had a dream that I was wandering back through Wellfleet (I dream alot about Wellfleet during long Canadian winters haha) and I was walking down a typical sandy, tree-lined Wellfleet path. I rounded a corner and saw you and the boys approaching, all with big smiles. Max and Kai in the front, yourself and Caleb in the back (you were wearing a silly bright blue hat, which you still managed to pull off somehow haha). I gave Max a big hug and I think we started wrestling... I hugged and embraced you all, and woke up with a feeling of friendship and endearment.
I want you to know that though some people may have lost touch for whatever reasons, I still think about you all everyday. I still wear Caleb's bracelet and I see it all day when I type at work. I think of Wellfleet as my home, and I largely credit your family for making it feel that way to me. You are all warm, loving spirits and anyone who has had the chance to encounter you is blessed.
I remember coming over to your house this summer and going with Kai to see the chickens. It was a beautiful day, and it was so quiet except for the sound of the clucking and squaking. Kai told me about the different attributes of each of the chickens in his calm, methodical way. It was a tender moment for me, the quietness and the opportunity to take the time to appreciate the beauty in the simplicity of nature. I thought about how I would never have that moment again, and how dear every moment is that I spend with your family.
You make memories and friends because you care about people, and because you live life to share life. That is the Sharyn I know! Silly or serious... I can't wait to share so much more life with you all in the future. I love you all and wish you nothing but the best.
xo Haley
Please don't stop writting. "The Book" hasn't gotten to the happily ever after part yet
Oooohhh.... stay just until the skinny dipping is behind us.
PS: BE GRAPHIC... please.
Sharyn,
Say it isn't so! I check this blog first thing in the morning before I go to work and as soon as I get home every day. I have posted several times but not so much recently and I feel so badly to think that I've somehow let you down. It's not a lack of interest, but I'm very selfish and want to choose the perfect, insightful words that will make everything better. And lately, you've been so introspective (a very brave and hard thing for us to contemplate), but I can't respond to that. It feels like you're too hard on yourself; but never having met you I can only respond on the common ground we share; that of a mother's pain and wishes and hopes for her children. And I have always wished for you and Caleb blessed normalcy. And I want to believe in fairy tale endings and will continue to do so.
I am so sorry not to see that you just needed to hear our voices. I can't and don't need to be brilliant (you've got the corner on that). I am so sorry not to have given you at least as much comfort as you given us. I am sorry that I felt like I was intruding sometimes; instead of just responding with love and support.
I hope you will reconsider not just because I've been uplifted by being a part of something wonderfully healing and good; but because maybe you will still need all of us. I hope so.
With much love and concern, Jackie
Dear Sharyn.
I want to respectively and gently respond to a blogpost that was put on this entry.
People who have not walked in our shoes should not try to tell us how to wear them. People who have read about your experience should not pretend to understand what it would be like to have lived through it. I believe that any person with love and compassion in there heart recognizes your strength through all of this, to post your deepest feelings for the world to see and pick over. You are so gracious and considerate to keep us informed about your son, as it is not your responsibility to do so. You granted us access to the grittier details of Caleb's progress and helped so many people find solace in the comfort of our shared hope and sadness.
To deny yourself sadness is to delay healing. Don't pretend to be satisfied with this chapter in your life for the sake of internet bloggers.
You have never wasted life. You have dedicated so much of your time to your family and everyone knows that. I am so sorry that others have a way of washing over the details and pretending that humans only live in a small range of emotions.
Again. I love you all. I hope you are not offended with this response.
Dear Sharyn,
I hope you don't stop writing... unless YOU are tired of it. You must be tired after so many months of stress, of ups and downs. As a shy blogger who comments once in awhile, I've often wished I could write as heartfully as some of your regulars do. I always read your updates at least daily. This site is in my 'favorites" at work and at home. You have so many wonderful Wellfleet friends, that I didn't
know you needed the rest of us, I mean me. I'm sorry I haven't been commenting much. I'll never stop sending my best blessings and prayers your way. Our pirate flag still flaps on our Eastham deck, and I'm especially glad when the wind is strong from the North-- from Wellfleet! Mostly I'm a quiet person, not as sharing and outgoing as you. With 3 kids about the same ages as yours, I have felt a strong bond. I hope we can lift your spirits and help you through this long Cape Cod winter. Spring will come; Caleb is doing well and getting better... Peace, Sharyn.
(Can we still email you?)
Love and blessings,
Janet
How about you make this your last post on the Blog for February...rather than your last post forever? February is such a depressing month. Everyone is depressed in February. Everybody who is anybody anyway. I am pretty sure I read that more people die in February than any other month...they just say...that's it I'm done, can't take anymore of this grey. I am pretty sure it is the biggist month for suicides too...or maybe that is March...well if it is March it is all February's fault. So just hang in there the robins are coming back soon I swear...although it is hard to believe that as I look out to my driveway here in Canada with six foot ice drifts piled at the end of it. Driving in or out of it is a whole new adventure. Its gotta melt sometime. It is melting out west in Calgary. Warm winds will blow this way sooner or later.
Suz
and I think more people committ
I've never posted before but I do read your entries as often as I can. My family had never been to Wellfleet before but we visited there with friends in September and saw the signs and Jolly Roggers sending prayers to Caleb. Your towns support was so inspiring to us and we visited the park often with my 5 year old daughter, holding hands and praying for this boy we never knew but whose heart we could feel in your beautiful town. You, Caleb, your family and your town are in our thoughts and prayers.
Sharyn...I am so sorry to hear you have to go. I treasure each day reading about Caleb. I feel as though I know you and your family and hopefully we will get to meet this summer when we vacation in Wellfleet.
Peggy from Western MA
I can only speak for myself, but I'm sure there are others like me.
I can honestly say since this blog began, I've checked in daily and often multiple times. I only have space on my computer for a handful of "favorites" but Caleb's blog is one of them. Like Nancy in NY, I've deleted more comments than I've posted. I've read every entry and it's become like the favorite section of the Sunday paper that you pull out and read before all the rest. Your posts inspire us and it's so evident when you read the comments from all the bloggers. If this is truely your last entry, I'll miss the updates but I'll always keep you ALL in my thoughts and prayers because;
Together we prayed for Caleb.
Together we supported Shaye.
Together we marveled at Kai & Max.
Together we rejoyced with Peg.
Together we laughed at Kevin.
Together we became stronger.
Thank you Sharyn. Take care.
Deb in Groton
I agree with many of the other people who have written-- I think things will get better in the spring and summer! Just a month away. This is the worst time of year; the grey skies and coldness are tough to handle. Sounds like you are feeling isolated. Maybe it would help to talk to other people who've had to cope with TBA in a loved one. I think you it's better to stick with the blog because it is a way to connect with people. I think many people have been touched by your story and care about you!!! It's normal for you to feel down in the dumps, but if you feel overwhelmed, please ask for help either on the blog or in real like with your friends and loved ones.
Dear Sharyn,
I wish so much there had never been an accident that drew you into our lives. I wish so much that you never had to walk into dark places and claw your way out. I wish so much you woke up every day and felt peace as the first light that illuminates your heart.
I hope that peace eases back into your heart every time you feel rocky. I hope that our prayers and energy reach you and Caleb in some way that strengthens you. I hope that some day we meet in person and I can buy you a drink, a lipstick, a thank you card.
I thank you for your candor, your courage and your humor. I thank you for your time and energy. I thank you for your example and your insights, for making life matter differently.
All the best to you, Caleb and your family, and to all the people who have connected here. Lisa K.
Sharyn-
I sit here shocked and in tears thinking that you and everyone here may have just left my life forever. Like so many here- I have never met you or your wonderful sons. I too spend a week in Welfleet every summer. Since the moment I set foot there my whole family fell in love with this very special place. I found you and this blog after my visit last year where I learned of Caleb and his accident. I have checked daily- at times many times a day since then. I, like many others sometimes don't post because I don't know what I could add to your insights and courage. The way you have opened your heart- your pain, your joy, your love your courage, your fear, your whole life to us- many of us strangers- has astounded me and touched me more than you can possibly know. You have changed my life- if you never post again and if I never get to meet you in Welfleet I will never forget you or Caleb and the things I have learned from you. I am the mother of two young children and have learned more things about love and motherhood and courage and family from you than I could have imagined. I believe I am a better mother, daughter, wife, friend and person for having known you. I have friends who think my still reading and posting on this blog is strange but it has meant the world to me. I feel selfish for asking you not to go because I am certain that I have gotten far more from reading your words and those of the other bloggers than you could have possibly gotten from reading mine. As someone else said- if this no longer brings you any peace and joy than it is time to say goodbye but if you are leaving because you think we are not here standing silently beside you and behind you than please know this could not be farther from the truth. I will continue to check with baited breath and to reread what you have already written if you chose to not to write anymore. I will continue to pray that you and Caleb have everything you deserve- which is everything. If this is goodbye than I will simply say thank you because I don't know what more I can say- from the bottom of my heart- thank you.
Laura in CT
sharyn! we still love you!!!
and Caleb will continue to recover! and the friends with good intentions will NEVER NEVER NEVER leave him behind! you'll get through it. blog or no blog..... we are all still right here.
I will so miss your blogs. Now I'm kicking myself for not writing comments lately- I guess I've just felt that you must be tired of reading all these little notes- guess I was wrong about that. More than that, though, I suppose it's all been said. Perhaps the blog ending is a symbolic gesture towards moving out of the crisis zone- everyone checking to make sure Caleb is still okay- to the healing but safe zone... Caleb will indefinitely be okay, he's walking the path as we speak.
Sharyn- I've always loved you but through your writing I feel I know you so much more intimately and that I will never be in Fleet and not give you guys a call. Never. We are family now, we all are.
Les Quiero Mucho- Todos de Ustedes...
By the way, whoever told you to 'get help' clearly isn't part of the family and isn't acustomed to genuine and raw sharing of emotions.
To the author of that post- there are kind and caring ways of saying things- even ridiculous and judgemental things like you said. If you think you can understand a woman as beautiful and complex and incredible as Sharyn through these posts only- you're insane! Get help, PLEASE!
Thank you for opening up and sharing your lives with us. I've learned alot from you about strength and forgiveness. I've been with you from the beginning, but have been shy. What a beautiful family you have, they are very lucky to have you. Best wishes and warm thoughts will be with you, Caleb, Kai, Max, and all of your loved ones always.
Did you change your mind yet?
Be strong Sharyn. You will get through this and so will Caleb. It's always darkest before dawn...and keep writing if you can, please.
I wish you peace and comfort and continued healing. I will miss you very, very much. I will continue to pray for you and Caleb and all who love him. I hope you continue to write, if not here, somewhere. Thank you Sharyn for letting all of us be a part of Caleb's healing. I think the journey has helped many of us heal broken places in ourselves or at least want to try to heal... God Bless you.
Another too shy reader.
hey Sharyn..
While I too will miss the blog posts, I dig that you gotta take care of YOU. Maybe it is time to take a break from 'feeding' all of us in cyberland...
You all have gone to hell & back & forth...seeing that 'awful' is also meaning 'full of awe'. It is the nature of life. It befalls each one of us sooner or later. The Buddha said that being alive in a body is like being in a house on fire... not sure where I'm going with this except to say I hope you come to a place of acceptance & serenity both with Caleb and yourself.
Thank you for your brave, beautiful and candid self-portrait during this very difficult time. I continue to send healing prayers to you all, and hope to see you next time I'm on the Cape...
so much love, Maryann Stow
To not be able to come here and read about Calebs progress will be strange, tho I dont leave as many comments as i did in the begining, it was not for not reading, but for i didnt have much to offer except to see that he was getting better - I was there that day and for me to read the improvments was giving me peace of mind. I am so happy that he is out with friends, and that jenny who i dont know know has found a career out of this and that you have seemed to learn some about yourself that you didnt know. I am sure that all of us reading your posts have reflected on our lives to think and learn about ourselve right along side you.
I knew the who the potter boys were - everyone knew who they were - but until this - i didnt know WHO they were. We have had a glimse of these boys and you - you are an amazing family who have come through this amazingly well and stronger even if you do not see that your self all the time - you readers can. Take care of YOU now!!! much love to you your boys and your family.
Sharyn,
Thank you for letting us take this journey with you...and for letting us in. You have given us so much from the heart. It has been a powerful gift.
The fact is, we will always be with you, and you with us, even when the blog is no longer. I have never been good at endings of any kind, and so I will merely observe that we all have come a long way together on this blog- whether we were contributors or readers, whether we live in Wellfleet, or off Cape. It is because I feel that you and Caleb, and the extended Potter/Lindsay clan, are now on a good path, I am able to accept your decision to stop. In fact, as sad as it is to think about the blog's ending, on a different level I am so very thankful for you that you are ready to move on.
....
I would like to say "goodbye" and "best wishes" to all my fellow bloggers. Although I was only a very occasional contributor, I have followed the blog daily from the beginning, and I feel that I know you all through your wonderful words and many kindnesses. Take care, Gail
....
p.s. Sharyn , As M. wrote earlier tonight, I also stopped writing because Caleb seemed safe and I felt that you needed to hear more from those who were close to you. I did not want you to feel like you had to tend to us.
And, WHAT was that about at @February 24, 2008 4:30 PM ??? (Maybe I should ask, WHO was that !?)
I adore you and will miss you desperately, (We'll still be here if you ever decide to come back).
my warmest, and most hopeful thoughts will always be with you and your family.
Thank you for your open and extraordinary heart, your moving words, and your illuminating insight and strength.
xoxo
Sharyn,
I have dreaded this day. Count me with those who have never posted but who have been praying for your family for many months. When I first saw the flags and hand-made posters while visiting the Cape last August (my dad bought a place after a 20+ year yearning) my husband and I tried to guess what it was all about. The power and energy in 'fleet was so strong and tight we felt we would break some energy bond by asking someone in town about it so when we came back to New York I searched on line and found your story.
Early on you asked for prayer, so I have checked the web site every time I am on-line so I would know what prayers you needed. I have been so deeply touched by your spirit and have taken your messages to heart in my every day life.
I have two young children who I fear for with all I have. But... I think of you and am able to let them more fully experience life. When "no way" comes out of my mouth when they ask "Can we...", I swallow it, think for a moment and (more than half of the time - I don't let go easily) say "You know what? I said no, but yes go ahead, see how high you can go" and let them experience things for themselves. I was on the way to smothering their spirits and curiosity until I "met" you through your entries.
We spent Thanksgiving weekend visiting the Cape. On Thanksgiving morning we left my parents at the house and took the kids to look at the flag on the island from the bridge and took a walk around - I knew you weren't able to so I dedicated my walk to your family, feeling quite helpless to actually do anything or write anything to you of meaning for all those months. Then we went to the beach on Bound Brook Island Road for the first time. When it came time to leave our children delayed and would just not let us leave. On the way back along this narrow, not quite paved road through sand and woods, we came upon a young man, who's car was quite stuck in the sand on the side of the road - wedged in sunk up to the doors. He took the curve too fast, perhaps, and plowed deep into the shoulder through a number of shrubs. He was himself ok, and was trying to dig his way out with his bare hands. I can't help but think we were sent there at that moment - if the kids hadn't delayed, we probably would have passed by before the young man got stuck. Your messages of how we are all connected is so true and it was like a gift to us to have been placed there just then - while we were thinking of how your family should never have had to be in Boston on that day how unfair that was and how there was nothing we could do for you - and here was maybe a Wellfleet boy, maybe you know him. We were pretty far out of cell phone range of anything and were late for dinner, but it was getting dark and it was Thanksgiving and the only car to pass was a tiny thing. After trying many failed techniques to get him out, I discovered an actual tow rope in an unopened, unexplored kit (the boring gift) given to me by my mother-in-law that we had carelessly tossed into a well in the back of my new (new to me anyway) SUV which we had just installed a tow hitch to. Victory! We got him out before dark and his car was (after we removed the shrubs from his wheels) on the road again. We thanked you.
I want to thank you for sharing yourself with all of us on the blog - you have inspired me to look outside of myself and to try to toss bits of the worthless baggage I drag around behind me and realize how fragile we all are and how we are all in this.. this world together. I haven't found words to tell you this, but now must anyway, before I lose the chance.
I will continue to pray for Caleb's recovery, for your "clan" and for you - that you will be delivered from despair. I have never known a community like the one you live in -where people open their spirits to one another. In such a place, things will come out ok, I know it.
Peace.
Hi Sharyn,
I've been following your story since I stumbled upon in sometime in October and check your blog daily for updates. You are a truly amazing human being.
I send my love and best wishes to you and yours as you continue your journey through life.
N in Southern California
Oh, Sharyn… There are more people taking this ride—you have more support and deep admiration--than you seem to know. An image comes to me of passengers sitting in an airplane mentally flapping their arms to keep the damned thing up. That’s me—that’s a lot of people who have been reading your blog and flapping silently. We don’t need to flap; you’re flying, soaring, Sharyn, all on your own power. But perhaps by doing it, we create enough current to afford you a little updraft. I hope you can feel it.
We’re still here. Moving as our lives move, but still reading, still trying to help keep you aloft, if only with our thoughts.
I’ve posted only twice. Once at the beginning to say I was flapping, and once more when I hoped that you might take comfort in a story I shared about a close friend who was once upon a time in a situation similar to Caleb’s. I didn’t post again; as a summer visitor to Wellfleet, and someone who knows you only somewhat, I didn’t want to be intrusive. As the months have gone by, I was heartened by the words—and love—of your close friends on the site, and by the support of strangers more comfortable than I am about laying down a towel in cyberspace.
But don’t think those of us flapping have left you behind. I remain in awe of your fierce love for your son, your courage these past eight months, your honesty and passion about your own personal journey, your beautiful, natural turn of phrase…
By all means, stop writing—or take a break—if you need to put your energy elsewhere. But know that we will be flapping…
Eve (of Eve, Bill, Leo)
Well, for not hearing from so many people lately,this blog sure is filling up fast. Being the 49th today, I think it's great that you have so much support out there in blogland. Anger is part of the healing process, and you will get through it. Hang in there, warmer weather is coming, and you need to get your hands dirty in the gardens. Remember, you area closer to God in the garden.......We still keep praying for you all.
Sharyn,
Okay, at 6:30pm when I privately emailed you there were 16 comments, now it’s up to 48 at 11:30pm. Any chance for an encore performance from you? Many hearts are bleeding for you here, mine included. You know that! You probably/understandably are feeling overwhelmed. Do what works for you! I for one would like to thank everyone here for coming out to your side. Especially those not accustomed to commenting here. I am not surprised and quite delighted to see this all take place in light of the situation...
Kevin
I rarely post but check in on you and your boys nearly every day. You are all in my prayers, as is a place called Wellfleet which I didn't even know existed until I stumbled onto your blog.
Please know whatever you decide you and your family will remain in my thoughts and prayers, and it sounds like those of many, many others.
last post? don't say that. i'd rather you confiscate my extensive donkey porn collection, or beat me to death with wooden spoons.
what about me? i'm weak. i need this blog. you're my window into Potterville now that Spud's stopped writing.
and you know what? you're a good writer. i enjoy you're musings. and it's got to be good for you to get it all out.
have people moved on? i know i haven't. even though i'm a gazillion miles away, i'm always with you, like that STD you picked up in Mal Pais from Senor Muy Ocupado.
ok, i made that up. you didn't catch an STD. i did. but the thing is, i never thought you were schizo. crazy, sure. beautiful, claro. alive, uh huh. but schizo?
i always thought you were a chameleon. and just because you're wild, and always changing color, that doesn't mean your friends can't glimpse at what's inside.
hey, whatever you do, whatever color you change to, you know i love you.
Sharyn,
Only posted once, long time ago, but check daily. When you don't post for several days I wonder about Caleb and you and your clan. You have bravely shared of yourself, beyond the call. If you need to end the blog I cannot question your decision. But do know that I count myself amongst the many that will miss you and will be left wondering how the road turns. The winter gets very long at this time and the cold, gray days can get overwhelming for me as well. Yet the one constant is change. The sun will shine again. I wish you, Caleb and your family the best.
With love,
Phil
i care...don t stop....thats it.
i read this everyday. i went to school with caleb. please don t stop.
Sharyn,
Like many others on this Blog, I have been with you and Caleb from the beginning...praying, willing and wishing that all will be okay. I've never written in b/c I didn't think you needed to know how amazed I've been by how strong you are, how fierce you love is and how extremely honest you have been. It takes someone special to expose herself the way you have and on such a public forum. You are not afraid to feel and confront who you are in the moment, while I tend to bottle myself up and are more comfortable turning the mirror on others. I have been inspired by you. Thanks so much for sharing.
I also want to tell you to take it easy on yourself and try to be happy and embrace where you are in life. Caleb survived and is healing! Other stories don't turn out as well.
Three years ago my brother and sister-in-law lost their son--their only child--to cancer. One day he was a happy, normal boy and literally the next day something was wrong and he was diagnosed with an agressive brain tumor. There was not much they could do for him and less than six months later he was gone. To look at them is to know a broken heart and to see a pain so deep and irreversable that it takes my breath away. Their son is gone and all they wish for is the simple things that you are blessed to still have: a beautiful son in Caleb; pancakes together on Sundays; walks in the salty Cape Cod air, the priviledge of simply looking at him while he sleeps.
Caleb is still here! Allow yourself to be well and okay...and don't go too far down the destructive road of feeling sorry for yourself (as you seem to be today) b/c it could have turned out far worse. Thankfully it didn't and I wish you and Caleb all the very best that life has to offer.
--Beth
I wish I knew how to comfort you, Sharyn. The wound of this tragedy is deep and wide, and it will not close quickly or easily.
Many, many people care about you, Caleb, and your family. Whether you continue to post or not, that will not change. We're with you. Sometimes we're silent--for reasons that have more to do with us than with you--but we're with you. You are not alone.
NY/Wellfleet Mom
Sharyn, the forgiveness you seek is yours for the taking, it is there for you as it is for all of us imperfect human beings. Allow it in, say the words out loud every day, mean them and believe in them. You deserve a peaceful mind, a calmed soul, and a generous bit of heart's ease. Your pain pours off the page like blood from a wound , but you must believe that we are here to staunch the flow. I have felt that lately your posts have been a catharsis for you; you have been digging deep, dredging up parts of your psyche that would send most of us diving to hide under the covers at the thought of revealing them ourselves. You are not alone with your demons. We are here with you, as we have been for months. After all of this time, I admit that I will feel a bit bereft if I no longer can avail myself of the benefits of this page. Yours has been a long journey , and even with us, a lonely one and hard. No one can see in your heart. none of us can be you or take on your pain for you,, but we are here, and even if the flow of words stop, the stream of positive healing thoughts will still be sent your way, to help you through the hellish place in which you have found yourself now. I wish you peace, my friend. You need to heal right along with Caleb, and I will light my candle for you both.
If you have grown to rely on us, our reliance on you has increased tenfold. That is a heavy burden as well.
Spring will come, as it has forever, and hopefully you will find the peace and forgiveness you are looking for.
My heart is crying with yours.
As always, with hope,
peg from PA
Praying for your recovery as well as Caleb's....
I'll be in town on the 5th of july - typical as house rentals run saturday to saturday and my kids have school the week before.
I think of you often - more often than Caleb.
You see, for me, this was always a blog about you.
Someday maybe (and I'll need some wine) we can talk together about my son. Maybe.
I'll continue to think about you, I know that. And I'll always remember both of you in my prayers.
Sharyn,
Like many, I have never posted before but I have followed Caleb's progress through your beautiful words every day since I first saw the Pray for Caleb signs in Wellfleet last summer. I will miss you and your thought provoking words and insights. I will continue to pray for Caleb, for you and your family. And I will think of you often. Take good care.
Sharyn, I read your post yesterday and wanted to take a bit of time to comment. If I offend by being too direct, I genuinely apologize up front.
Having myself been on and off sick for the past several weeks I have checked in frequently and continue to send good thoughts of healing and peace (and I know that I am not alone) but have lacked the stamina to reflect and respond. The tone of the blog has changed and your postings of late have been deeply introspective and I expect not easy to share and they deserved the respect of reflection to respond. I was not sure even how to respond.
I think many are bearing silent witness to this journey and there is support (the site numbers show that) but aren’t sure how to respond.
In less than one day your life as you knew it on July 3rd was turned upside down. What may have been imperfect was at least stable and now the stability of almost anything seems in jeopardy.
Sharyn, please be kind to yourself and ride this out. Throughout your recent writing I hear your grieving not just over Caleb but over a lot of things. The child you have known for 25 years is not the same, you don’t know what will improve and what will not and I am sure what you reveal publicly is only of portion of what is going on. From everything I have heard of you, you are a natural “giver”. From what you have done in your community, to other patients at MGH, to even people on this blog. Allow yourself to receive.
When you talk about Caleb I expect you are also protecting him and therefore we out here don’t really get a true sense of what is going on. Things have seemed to be improving and seemed to be looking promising. That is all we know.
During a time of crisis everyone rallies around the person in crisis while the primary care giver and cheerleader gets worn down and but gets many pats on the back for being so strong. You have had to be strong for Caleb, advocating for all the care he has received and being the constant cheerleader, I am sure that you have had to be strong for Max and Kai and probably concerned friends and family and even strong for the bloggers. I would not be surprised that on some level what you really wanted to do at times was to curl up in a ball in a corner and cry for days and have someone to take care of you for a while and make this all go away. Or you also want to scream and yell and kick and hit or blow something up and just be outraged by the hand you have been dealt and then have it all go away and return to normal. Or something in-between.
It absolutely sucks and is unfair and though we can be poetic about finding something good through the process of Caleb’s recovery, which I truly believe is true, to say something good will come from the accident is total bullshit. His recovery is long term but he is here and mobile and talking and thinking and that is no small thing. The brain can heal remarkably and learn in new ways, believe me.
Caleb’s journey has also caused you to revisit your past and clean your internal house. While a very healthy thing to do, it is probably good to go slow and light on this while everything else in your life is up in the air. Please give yourself a rest….give yourself time……let us get the hell out of February…..the worse month of the year for feeling good about life.
I have no magic advice. I do know that often from the heavy internal cleaning there is sometimes more messy piles of emotional stuff out than you had before and it can be more than a little overwhelming. If you are not participating in some form of grief counseling I would strongly suggest it. If you are not also talking with a professional to help you sort out all the stuff that you have unearthed I also strongly urge that. Perhaps you will access some of the support groups for head injury survivors and will find new hope in the recover or you will find that its too much of a downer. If Caleb is not also working with a professional on grief counseling (for all he has lost) I strongly urge that as well. He needs to work this through himself.
There are some good resources on the Cape. Please access them. Rehab comes in all forms. You will come through this.
Caleb’s friends will not abandon him. I have seen comments from friends wanting to be involved, let them so that you can get out of the house.
Your future may be different from what you expected it would 6 months ago but it is also quite different from what you thought 3 months ago. I expect that there is still much joy to come in your life and in Caleb’s. I have tremendous faith Caleb has much good to come in his future and you do to. Caleb is a miracle and miracles aren’t wasted on someone who still doesn’t have good to do in his life.
I send you thoughts of great peace.
Jeff
Jeff, you said everything that I was thinking but so much better and more directly than I could. Sharyn, there is so much help that you can find in talking to a professional. Like Jeff, I hope you are open to that process. Do not turn away help, be it from friends, family or professionals. There is no shame in needing assistance.
Amy from western MA
Do what you need to do, but whatever you do, take care of yourself. Hearts are made to heal... but also to scar.
Sharyn, if you needed a reminder of how you are loved, then your posting accomplished that. The person who said the blog has become more about you than Caleb may have a point. And to feel let down by those of us who have travelled daily with you these past 7 months is unfair - to us and to YOU.
Perhaps someday the time will be right for a personal conversation, about the shock of losing the essence of someone you love, leaving behind a new or different person in the same body. The memories of years of raising the child into adulthood are so hard to handle - and no matter how often you tell yourself that "things happen for a reason, out of bad comes good, etc...." you still ache and long for 'yesterday'. I know firsthand what this feels like and that is why I've responded almost daily since the beginning. You've shared it all with us, almost convincing yourself that everything would be just fine. But when the crisis passes and the well-wishers go away, what's left is the truth, reality, and it hurts so much you don't think you can go on.
Jeff said it all so eloquently. Avail yourself of professional help...you and Caleb together and separately. Find a place to scream, kick, shout, rage...and another place to breathe deeply, reflect, close your eyes, listen to life around you.
The hardest part for me was not turning my utter sadness and disappointment/frustration toward others who could not understand what I was feeling, watching young men and wishing what they had and what they were could be for my son, too....it takes a lot of time and you have only begun.
Take care of yourself in your absence from the blog. Don't feel abandoned by us. Sky, Jennie, Kai, and others can let us know now and then how things are...they all write so wonderfully...and it might be good for them, too.
Go in peace, take good care of yourself, sing and dance, laugh a lot, and cry when you feel like it, no matter who's around!!
I've not posted before either, but have been following your story and heartfelt, resonant words with both joy and pain; I'll miss you and your family if you don't post again! My heart is with you, as it has been for months now... Wishing you all joy!
Sharyn,
I have never posted either, but have followed you from July 4th, and have sent prayers and thoughts your way. As a mother of three boys I have found something in your blog that has been life changing to me. Thank you for sharing with us. I will continue to pray for you and Caleb.
Dear Sharyn,
I too have read your blog daily since the end of the summer when my sister had a birthday party and asked for donations for Caleb instead of presents. She was in Wellfleet when Caleb's accident occurred and continues to keep updated on you and his progress. I start and end my day with your blog for reasons I can not clearly say. Your story has touched me on so many levels as I and my family have gone through a similar experience a year ago when my husband suddenly suffered massive strokes on both sides of his brain. In so many ways, our journey mimics the one you and your family are on...Please believe that there is a light to this nightmare of a tunnel and you will come out at the end. We have-things are different but, oh so much more precious, because we have learned how blessed we are in the ordinary miracle of living every day together. You will continue to be in all our prayers.
Sharyn,
I like how you write, a lot. Your words are like the pages of a good book. I will miss being able to stay behind the scenes and read the blog. I never really comment that much, because I got the feeling that you didn't like or trust me at all, but you misjudged, and that I forgave you for. I never got a chance to stop by, or give Caleb his gift, a nice pirate hat, warm with a fleece brim, pirate socks and a patch for wherever.
To be honest with you my sister wouldn't show me where you lived, she said that you were panicked by the amount of people who were going to show up, and in the end you ended up taking Caleb away from every one that showed up to be there for him. I was too afraid to call because I had enough of the rejection from you. But I am me, I will never change, I tried to help Caleb on a large scale and for his sake I had hoped and prayed that you listened to me..but you didn't.
I am a person of faith, and continue to pray for Caleb, for the rest of his life I will hold him in my thoughts, I even bought a star magnet for my car to remember him always. Please don't assume that because people aren't paying your entries much attention that they have forgotten about Caleb and moved on. Because in my situation this is certainly not the case. I wished I could be there for him, I ran into a road block. I understand it's because you don't know me, or maybe my connection to God made you uncomfortable, or the fact that I have something amazing to offer him scares you. Whatever it is, I was misjudged. I am a person with a big heart that would go out of my way for your son if he called on me. I am now studying to be a personal trainer and graduate in 4 months, and if Caleb needed me to help him learn how to build his strength, I would be there.
But I'm sorry to speak the truth in letting you know that you made it very hard for people who cared about your son to be there for him. I will never stop caring or wanting to help. I wish you luck in discovering your next journeys. Your blogging, intelligence, advice-wisdom and creativity will be missed, but Caleb will always be in my heart, thoughts, prayers and whenever he would call on me, I would be there.
sas
Dear Sharyn,
I want to thank you for opening up to us for so many months...your words have inspired me tremendously. To be honest, I was often lost for words (and filled with tears) after reading your blogs. You speak with such beauty and grace. Your words today, however, have saddened me. Please don't think for a second that we have abandoned you! Not a day has gone by since July 12th that I have not logged in. It has become a part of my daily routine...as normal as brushing my teeth when I wake up. The road to Caleb's healing has become a part of so many of us...thanks to you! I understand if it is time for you to move on, but please know that we have never left...we've just become "quiet." Don't hesitate to change your mind!
If this is truly the end of the blog, I want to wish you and your family peace and continued healing. God Bless Caleb!
Barbara from Stoneham,ma
Sharyn,
I too have never posted before but have caught up every sunday and often during the week as well since the day it was created. nothing could have shocked me more when i woke up july 5th to the news of what had happened. every time i've read this blog i've gotten chills, and although i'm not sure why they come, there is something about your words that is so incredibly touching to me. Your ability to put yourself out there like you do shows strength that most could never imagine, even if it may waver from time to time. I'm so glad that through your words so many others have discovered the ability fleet has to pull together when one of its own is ailing, and that makes me realize why its my favorite place in the entire world. don't keep writing for us, but do it for you. the power of positive thought can overcome all, and a spontaneous trip to the spa cant hurt either =)
you all are always in my thoughts and prayers, stay strong<3
This is the first, and the only blog that this Canadian has followed since July. You and your family have inspired me, many times to tears. I truely wish you all the best.
To sas,
You state in your post that "you are sorry to speak the truth".
I challenge you to SEE the truth.
Step back and read your post. How many times do you use the words "I", "me",or "my". I didn't count the number of times, but I found ONLY ONE SENTENCE that didn't include them. Wow.
Are you able to step away from the self-centeredness, and truly see what this family has been through?
This is not about what YOU, or any of us, think is best for Sharyn and Caleb and their family. As a "person of faith", you should understand that, and pray for guidance, patience and maturity--for yourself.
Sharyn,
This blog has not only brought comfort and healing to so many of us here after Caleb's accident, but also inspiration and hope. Thank you so much for your courage and honesty that you gave to everyone through your writings. Hope to see you soon!
Much love, Jess & Justin
Jeff in the Berkshires: Wow. You said it all so eloquently. I am humbled by your insight.
NY/Wellfleet Mom
i'm sure that it is really difficult for you...because we see bits and pieces in updates, but you live it day-to-day.
when bb first posted your story, i began to pray. i still think of you.
peace.
We are still here and love you all. we don't post often but are checking in, praying for you all everyday. please do not go!
love
IN NJ
Dear Sharyn,
It's obvious that you will be missed on this blog but you must do what is necessary for you and for Caleb on the home front.
I feel that your emotions need to begin a quiet and restful healing. You have been challenged in so many ways that it taxes my brain to even try to comprehend what you have experienced. You are right to give yourself a break. Not to worry we are still here if you seek solice of any kind. For now let the kids take up the slack.
Be well Sharyn and love to all of you. Penny on St. John
Sharyn - I want to let you know that I check this sight on a weekly basis I only have time to read a little bit @ a time due to the fact my only intrenet access is @ work. I love reading your words & seeing the pictures you post- Please don't give up on us. we are sending you positive energy daily. Love to Caleb his familly & all his friends.
xoxoxo Steve Sulin & Nielle Roselip
Stowe, VT & Wellfleet, MA
Oh my gosh Sharyn. There were so many many times I would sit and read your words and just be speechless, and feel that anything I had to offer would just be trite. I think Jeff-in-the-Berkshires words resonate for me as well; he is often so eloquent. I think you need to do whatever you need to do...for you.
Last week one of my friends' husbands died, just died, completely suddenly. There are no ways to handle this. I have no words to say to comfort her. I have no words to say to encourage you. I can't imagine what you are going through. But I do know that you need to take care of yourself. And you need to know that we are STILL here, still here, still here.
Mom in CT
Not writing comments does not mean not reading and caring. Please continue your blog when you have had a rest. It is meaningful to so many people and must be wonderful therapy, too.
OMG... all of the things that everyone said above, and more...
Sharyn, as you know I would be one of those "new friends whose children's lives have been altered" and as such, I know firsthand the depth of anguish behind your feeling that you will never laugh again. You will laugh. You absolutely will. It would be a lie for me to say I believe that there will ever be a time when all of this will be 100% in the past; when there will no longer be reminders, nor setbacks, nor ghosts that pop up at unexpected and inopportune times. But - and this next part is very important - if you allow yourself you will eventually shed much of this skin and the new person who emerges will be capable of laughter and of love, if anything at a deeper, more profound level than before.
You are not schizophrenic. You're not crazy at all. You're just human, and all that human implies - at times invincible, at times vulnerable; and at times truly in need of a helping hand. I do hope you will reach out.
As for this blog - it is your creation. I think you should do whatever feels right to you. If it's time to put down the diary for a while, so be it. I'm among the many here who would truly miss reading it and following Caleb's progress; not in a voyeuristic way, but as a matter of pure practicality, as we all lead such busy lives... I think I've been in touch with you and yours via this blog over the past several months more often than I've been in touch with my own mother (not that I'm proud of that!) Whatever you do will be fine, so long as that doesn't include deleting anything!
Personally, I think you should reach out to someone in the world of publishing (assuming you would be so inclined) - seriously. I've read many books that have been far less meaningful, less intelligently written, less rewarding to read than your writing here. Your collective works could be packaged and published, and could conceivably furnish a nice financial legacy for Caleb, Max, and Kai down the road.
Finally, as virtually everyone else has said, please don't interpret silence as absence or lack of interest. Not in the least. I care - we care - more than you know.
With love -
Jerry G
My DEAR, DEAR Sharyn,
Reflections of Love, that's all I see. A journey forward, is nothing without the pain, and discomfort of true growth.
What you speak of is real trauma, trauma to your oldest son, trauma to your other sons, the remembrance of past family life and its loss, betrayal of a partner, I could go on. But at some point my dear, it will be clear that you no longer choose the pain, the excruciating pain of trauma, but LIFE, and all the resplendant joy that comes with it. This is not to say that there will be no pain, but with the lessons you have experienced, joy and gratitude will automatically come flooding in to bring new purpose to your life. You will choose Love and forgiveness and there will be no room for hatred ever again. This is a process, be kind to yourself. Allow yourself time to grieve the losses...I remember a passage from a philosophical book I have studied, it goes like this...
Patience cannot function independantly of Time......
Having caring people to talk to
about what you're feeling in your heart of hearts is very important. Likewise, having people who can listen is extremely valuable. Avail yourself to these people that you are drawn to. They are there to help you through this very difficult time. WE are never far away, My Dear.
Live your life in Gratitude, despite any turmoil at hand, and your will see what love, and joy are drawn into your life. That is what you deserve. It is there for the asking......Don't be afraid to ask for Help, of any kind.. Be kind to yourself, heal your wounds. Caleb is "fine", and will continue to thrive, as long as he sees you taking care of yourself. Give yourself permission to heal...
I Love and respect you, and wish only the best for you and your dear family...
Blessings,
Con Todo Carino,
Melinda
Through the mirror of my mind
Time after time
I see reflections of you and me
Reflections of,
The way life used to be
Reflections of,
The love you took from me
Oh, I'm all alone now
No love to shield me
Try in a world that's...
A distorted reality
Happiness you... took from me
And left me alone
With only memories
Through the mirror of my mind
Through each tear that I've cried
Reflects the hurt I can't control
'Cause although you're gone
I keep holdin' on
To the happy times
Ooh, when you were mine
As I peer through the window
Of lost time
Looking over my yesterdays
And all the love I gave all in vain
All the love
All the love that I've wasted
All those tears
All the tears that I've tasted
All in vain
Through the hollow of my tears
I see a dream that's lost
From the hurt,
That you have caused
Everywhere I turn,
Seems like everything I see
Reflects the love that used to be
In you I put
All my faith and trust
And right before my eyes
My world has turned to dust
After all the nights
I sat alone on wept
Just a handfull of promises
Are all that's left, of loving you
Reflections of,
The way life used to be
Reflections of,
The love you took from me
In you I put, all my faith and trust
And right before my eyes
My world has turned to dust
YOU ARE NOT ALONE. This pain you are feeling right now is old pain that has come back to haunt you. You feel betrayed by someone that took trust away.
Caleb in a sense has now been taken away. Just like you lost a partnership, a lover, a friend, you have lost in some respects a son.
I agree with Jeff in so many ways, we have been lead to believe he is getting better, so we read your words, believe your words, and find comfort. We don't need to comment because the picture you paint is so good we are just happy with that.
Share the truth, purge, get it out there, it will only help you more.
WE ARE WITH YOU ALWAYS.
You have many, many, community members, friends and family that will be strong Sharyn, take some of the weight off of your shoulders, stop being SUPER MOM, let it out, let them in, and start the healing.
Easier said than done, but do it.
Lean on others, so that everyone can heal.
I am too one of the many who logs in everyday to check on Caleb's progress but have never posted. I admire your courage and what a great family you have. I think I would be lost not knowing the progress Caleb's has made. Sometime its good to cry-I guess it clean's out the tear ducts.
Hope to see Caleb at the Wellfleet Parade. Keep the faith and hang in there.
A wanted to be Wellfleetian
Dear Sharyn,
Please know that we care so much
about you
I have not reached out lately because I can be a recluse. Please don't stop writing I know the journey is onward and life has moments of despair. Your smile will come back and let your trueself be exposed so you can be free to express how you feel. Just know if you need a friend to talk to I am there for you.
Love Donna
I will admit that the reason for not posting as frequently, as you said, is because we are sure that Caleb will pull through and that he has already shown tremendous strides on the way to a complete recovery.
Thank you so much for your words and insight, Sharyn! You lent us just as much support as we did to you. We formed a circle, but you kept it together. With love and peace!
Sharyn,
I love to hear your joys & sorrows and everything in between. I can relate to you in so many ways .To know some one is or has felt some of the feelings i've been feeling for years, feels like a a hug with words. When i was 8 my mom was an ER nurse and had to work on New Years day on her way to work she hit black ice and hit a telephone pole on rt 6 in Eastham. She was in a comma for the next year. She came out of the comma but has been brain damaged ever since. My mom will always be my inspiration to keep on pushing. I'm now 24, and take everyday as it comes. Some days are hard while other fly by with smiles.So i just wanted to say thank you for all of your beautiful words they really are a pleasure to read and they have helped me tons. It is so nice to here Caleb's stories and progress. He is so amazing.
Shannon
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