My life moves forward by simple inertia of willpower alone. It is a lonely place, this one I reside in. The reality sets in and bites a hole out of you...and the boys suffer in the frames of their eyes. But Caleb remains steady and lovely. Today a young man got out of his car after parking in my drive and from a distance ask if he could park there. Not seeing as well as I once did, I replied yes, of course thinking that he was here to visit. He wisked out his bike and was off before I could correct my mistake. I had the usual conversation with myself..who does he think he is?..I don't even know him! I will leave a note on his car so he won't do that again..blah, blah, blah. I quized Caleb on who he might be, because in his brief time here Caleb managed to walk over and say hello...adding more to my confusion of who he was. When I asked him if he recognized the fellow he said no, just some guy out for a ride..".but mom if you just go over and say hello, you will know him too"...simple as that. And I am once more reminded by Caleb that life is too short to be short ..with tempers, with judgement, with anger.
We struggle, we do..and every day I have to set the intention to make it through. But Caleb reminds me of goodness..always goodness.

They travel in tandem Toyota trucks under a taylored moon meant just for them...Kai and Max joining forces..unordinary for my youngest sons...each of them having a connection to Caleb, but not one to another..too close in age, and siding with a parent in their soul and body..so they have to reach, and reach far for one another to understand. Kai, who is more like me...and Max like his dad...an ever so slight tear in the mesh.. there is a discomfort to notice.....but times have called them forth..they reach to understand and discover the balance of who they are under that moon who guides them and beckons...come with me, come with me. No easy task...it is the harder path...but they walk it now willingly. Perhaps they will find themselves in eachother, minus Caleb pulling them in orbit onward in peace. The one who would bring them together is silent, and watching in hope.

I spot one lightning bug in my garden, and I smile with delight..a remembrance of days gone by, when on the farm we would, as children, catch them by the dozens and sometimes ( and I shudder at this thought) we would tear the sparkle off of them still glowing and attach them to our ring finger shining like a diamond..dreaming of the day we would receive this as a gift from the one we loved. I received this sparkle from Jan at the age of 28, and like the firefly, I thought we would glow forever.

When one dies at his own hand, it is a difficult subject to bring up..especially on a birthday. So I drove with Caleb to the beach today...and I spotted a rose..which I suspect Kai has delivered..a sprig of green, left perhaps by Red..a spray of sand deposited by Ellen...a remembrance from his first wife Marcia...a thought and praise dropped by Sarah..a twig left by Beals..who knows really...but I think all the players were there..and now I call Max who is down with a twisted and a painful ankle...and even he has gimped to the beach in honor of his dad. I am learning that love is not exclusive. I thought my love for him was the one and only...but others have loved as well...and I feel for him, as I do for my boys...that the more people who have loved you..well, all the better. I wanted to be exclusive to him, like the firefly's glowing body on my ring finger, glowing with the promise of love...but love was big for me, and even bigger for Jan. Happy birthday to one who was loved among many. I loved you in the best way I knew possible. ..I only wished it had been enough.

I was young, full of promise, full of myself and ripe with pregnancy,which seemed to suit me like a wearing a fine kid glove. I remember walking down the road that day, 28 years ago, and then realizing that I had gone into labor. I had unusual labors with all three of my sons, fast and furious, and in 45 minutes ..there would be a child. My friend Jodi teases that "Oh, Sharyn just hiccups and says Oh it's a boy!" But back to the walk. By the time I neared the house I was crawling on all fours. Jan was building the home we would live in, we were camped out in a small cottage on the property with no running water, no electricity, and in between the screeches of the saw blade, I was screeching his name, to no avail. The primary midwife was called and did not make it on time, but the water was boiled on the grill because Jan thought he had to boil water, I gave birth to a blonde, blued eyed boy by flashlight in a cabin, in the woods, His spirit was born on that day as well. Adventuresome, fearless, determined, fated but free.

Happy birthday Caleb...you will always remain as dear to me as the very first time our eyes locked in love.

Sometimes you just wake up and wonder why. Why this fate, why this life? Why me? I have been hesitant to write as of late because I have felt I was decieving you, but mostly myself... and not wanting to write non-truths, I instead just did not write at all. So many frustrations have cropped up along with my spring flowers so that I feel I have a field of dissapointments. I began to write about all my happenings and moving forward, which in so many ways we have done...but the truth remains...and no other holiday reminds me more than Mother's day, the truth remains that I am reminded on a second to second basis.. just how fragile life is.. how so many of us never felt anything could ever happen to our loved ones...and then a few of us get singled out..and life changes so radically from that point on. The truth is that in spite of moving on and getting hailed for doing "great things", I am still stuck in such an unbelievable saddness...I miss my old Caleb so very much. Caleb goes to town and everyone tells me how wonderfully he is doing..and yes, he is. But the behind the scenes goes something like this... I wake early to have just a moment of my time before the day begins with Caleb..but he is keen on my movements and my presence, and he wakes earlier than before...so there goes that moment of peace. He needs to be reminded of the most simple things each day, like changing a shirt after a shower, the most basic things..and I feel like a bitch having to bark orders at him..a brain injured person; still it all gets so old after awhile. One would think that going out in a crowd would be pleasant, a distraction at least...but it is the proverbial knife in the back feeling when I see his old friend shun him for a more interesting, fast paced conversation. Jennie visited with the news that she has a new man, a new life...something I knew had to happen ( but Og God, the pain in his eyes) Each night is play cards, play cards, play cards....I am worn and sad and tired of this game..of all of it. In the vein of moving forward, I did manage to get him into a day program in Yarmouth, but Mass Health denied his transportation...so I drove him to and from till I realized it was defeating the purpose of having some time alone. Money dwindles daily. Life just is not that fun anymore. Someone said to me that it is our God given right to "have a life"...but is it really? Because when you are faced with the reality of a disabled child, your life becomes theirs..no other way around it, thank you very much!
I am trying, struggling to find peace with this.. I am worried sick about Caleb's future...nothing that I attempt seems to come to fruition because of one road block or another...it is wearing at best.....Still I am reminded that just as you are at the lowest point, the answer comes walzing around the corner...so I hold on, and hold on, and hold on in anticipation. These are my truths.. a mixed bag daily of small grins and big dissapointments...of asking why over and over again. Now I feel more honest, and I thank you allowing it, encouraging it.
Happy mother's day to all mothers ( and fathers who take their place). It is a spiritual gift...and one that I plan to learn accept gracefully, no matter what the situation. Sharyn

Jan's anniversary always hangs heavily over us.
I came across an article printed shortly after Caleb's accident where Jan was quoted saying " we expect a full recovery" and I was astonished with his directness and his confidence in Caleb. Where I have faultered and lost my way so many times over the past years...he, on some level, was convinced that Caleb would be fine.
I sat in bed late night, last night pondering this and have come to the conclusion that Jan's strength has asked of me to reconsider my position, to look at my lack of faith ..and to turn it around. That quote has made me realize how much I fret, how much I worry, how much I fear..and in doing so, am I not really attesting to a lost faith in Caleb?
So today I have made up my mind to trust the process, to think outside of the box, to really believe in this boy whom I love and know well enough to know that he, and he alone possesses the ability to heal..and I need only to get out of his way.
Thank you Jan! God Bless.

Finally a moment to catch up with you . Caleb and I hit the ground running when we got back from Portsmouth. Spring is in the air...and so, so very much to do. First of all my cutting garden. Long Pond Farm is the chosen name..and I thank you for all the wonderful, interesting thoughts on what to call it, but this resonated with me. But the best part is that I have decided to try to put together a house full of Brain Injured people in what was once my home, so that Caleb will have a social structure and a life that does not always include just me. This inspiration came from a young man who used to work for me long ago who stopped me in the street and gave me a beautifully carved sign which read... The Potter's room. It was a "sign" to me. A room for Mr. Potter and all who would join him on this new life adventure. So ..we will kick off a celebration...I think on Caleb's birthday.... May 31st to try to raise money for a car which can transport many.. through the many efforts of my friends . A yard sale is in order - perhaps you have something you would donate...that chair in the basement you no longer need..a collection of old bottles, a vase from grandma that you feel guilty about parting with, but secretly hate...I hope to see all of you from near -- or far. I am totally excited about this "life after death" feeling which has been creeping up on us, promising a better life for all under this roof. I will keep you posted...while you hopefully can collect items for our sale! Love ya, S

Home again, home again. Giggidy, gigg!

I have returned to the
Cape a transformed woman.

Being around TBI survivors for a month has been so inspirational. Evey word out of their mouths changed the story of the world for me, revised the original version. Through their stories, their narrative, creative seeds burst into life. I felt I was perched on the crest of a mountain, rethinking everything I have always known to be, and feeling ripe.
The most astonishing memory that I will keep tucked in my heart, is the fact that none of these survivors...not the ones in wheel chairs, not the girl who cannot speak, not the ones with limps or scars across their faces, not the one who lost his football scholarship because of a drunk driver......not a one of them ...ever...ever complains! The effect of their stories is a medicine that has greased and oiled and hoisted the pulleys of my heart into healing.
Caleb's accident, if I give pause to think about it, has offered me a gift.

He has granted me a little piece of magic.

In a week from tomorrow, Caleb and I will be heading home to our beloved Fleet. I must say that in a very short amount of time, this has easily become our second home. The people here are so welcoming, and we love romping around town sighting familiar faces, and knowing just where we are going. It is such a do-able little town. Caleb has done really well here, and I have garnered many ideas for what I want to create when I get home. First thing will be to get him set up as more of an independent person, without mom around all the time. I see how he has flourished when he has been forced to decide on his own, without me hovering. It has been a real learning curve for me to witness this program, and how life can be for Caleb. I look forward to positive change, the comforts of home, and being closer to Max. Kai and Liz are having a blast. They sent me a letter with the return address "somewhere on the road"...and it struck me...that this is where I find we all reside these days.

NH Visit: A Post from Sky

Last weekend my mom (Anne) and I went to visit Caleb and Sharyn in Portsmouth. They are staying in the Sise Inn Carriage House so we made reservations for a room in the main building. We had a wonderful time bopping around town, window shopping, going out for lunch and later to a movie. Here are a few photos to give a visual sense of Caleb and Sharyn's home away from home.


Welcome to Portsmouth!


The Carriage House


Just around the corner in downtown Portsmouth


Anne & Sharyn doing a little window shopping


Over the bridge/"Warning: Excessive Noise, Loud Exhausts"


Caleb and Sharyn in front of The Krempels Brain Injury Foundation


Caleb with classmates and interns at Krempels

Some lives are like the sunset, and some are new beginnings....Caleb was at the top of a mountain yesterday in full snowboard gear. For the very first time his mother got to watch Caleb experiencing what he considers the sport he was born for. The adaptive program crew who worked with him took him initially to the small slope for cautionary reasons, then quickly whisked him off to the top of the mountain proclaiming he was ready..and was he ever! For me, watching
Caleb fly down the mountain with sheer pleasure and freedom from his new constaints was pure joy! His movements fluid, his speed incredible, his self-assuridness..unbelievable.... but the smile on his face..oh, the smile on his face! We are liking this area very much, miss all of our old familiar faces, but have begun to collect new ones here. Diane, the Inn keeper...soft and caring. Anita who I could romp with the rest of my life who works the desk and makes me laugh. Pete..well isn't there always a Pete in each and every town? The big, unassuming, gentle giant who cracks Caleb up all the while doing his repairs around the place, and keeps us on our toes. We are settling in and find our pace.
The program at Krempels is exellent. The adorable young men and women there are inspirational to say the least. Lindsay with the face of an angel and a personality to match, and Brie is as rich and creamy as the cheese which shares her name. She has a computer which when typed into will speak out the words she wishes to say..so she sits next to Caleb and keeps him entertained with a little sparkle in her eye, I am noticing. There is John who works out with Caleb and Michael who is convinced he will drag us off to church with him...they all have the presence of angels and have none of those nasty habits of ignoring or belittleing, or rushing, or judging. They all have lived through hell for one reason or another, and they smile and care and love in a way I have not witnessed before. I am truely honored to be a part of this. I drop Caleb three times a week and find that I have to search my brain for things to do alone, so long has it been that I have had this option. Today I search out the perfect little Valentines to send home to Max and Lara. Kai and Liz will have to do with a kiss blown through the phone lines for now. We are both good, smiling a bit more, freer from the restrictions of feeling stuck, and moving forward..moving forward. ...Some lives are like sunsets......and some have new beginnings.

Portsmouth

Wow! We have been here exactly two days..and I cannot say enough about how happy we are to be here. As is the Potter/Lindsay style..we have walked for hours and hours determined to know our new digs..Caleb enjoyed a first day at Krempels with new friends...if you have ever looked into the eyes of a survivor..you have had a glimpse of God. These warm, lovely people are so welcoming, so open, so full of love. I felt like I had sent Caleb off to preschool first day again..he was uncertain, a bit afraid, not convinced I would return..and two young men escorted him away from me, tears welling..all the while assuring Caleb that they would take good care of him. I feel blessed. We are bowling this afternoon..me with the bumpers.saw a movie last night...and we have tickets to the Whalers for tomorrow eve...and a line-up of things we want to do. I feel like we have landed in our home away from home.
Kai is on the road safely staying with an old boyfriend of mine..Max and Lara are making plans to come join us here and Max promises to show us up at bowling. In short, this excursion was just what we needed. Caleb, I think will discover his tribe, and I will sleep well knowing that all of you are tucking us in each night with thougts of peace. Blessings, Sharyn

Dear Emm, Faithful follower of this blog- thank you!

This morn..lying in bed..listening, just listening to Kai as he moves around the house. He is up early, packing the last few items for the road trip which begins today..I am pressing his voice to my brain, and his movements to my soul. He is talking to the cats, gently separating them from their spat in his kind and thoughtful way. His voice is on the line with Liz; soft, reassuring, confident. He will be picking her up soon. I can barely remember the time when I let my sons go out the door without the black coat of fear engulfing me., I always had a healthy dose of mother's concerns lined up ...but now I know what can happen..what does happen to ordinary people, with ordinary lives, and I am flooded with fears. I attempt to etch his eyes into mine, so that I will be able to conjure them up if need be. I am joyous and fretful at the same time. And then I am whisked back in time to that very same feeling. A newborn comes wrapped in a soft, white blanket. His fingers fold around mine. He looks into my eyes...and I recognize this...this joyous, fretfullness of being a mother and knowing so deeply that life will somehow never again be the same.

I return to the house and find his note...there is always a note. He tells Caleb to enjoy snowboarding..he is at his purest on the slopes ...and that he will heal. He tells Max to do something which makes him smile each day-the only thing worth doing. He tells me to remember to breathe in the winter air. There is nothing like it . He tells me to keep us together in thought- we are all we have.
And he reminds me that he will be back home just as the bravest of the greens begin to emerge.


God speed, my son.

I am sorry if I offended any one of you out there reading my last post.. In this writing I only ever speak of my experiences..not what others have . I am only sad I never had the experience of having a partner who was as involved as you men who join me here.


This is a busy week of packing..we leave on Sunday for Portsmouth. Max's kitty goes back home in a day or so, and it looks like Kai and Liz will be heading out in their adorable little home on wheels by Wed. I am excited about the possibilities for all of us.

In my office where I sit to commune with you, there is a picture that my friend Claus took of me right after my separation from Jan. Claus had a huge circular opening between one room and another, and I sit perched in that opening looking like I am a little bird ready to take flight. I can tell you that this is just how I feel now..ready to leap off into the unknown, knowing that I am doing the right thing. A little afraid, but certain I will be richer for the experience. This change will be so good for the two of us and I will keep you posted on how we do.

The field for flowers is prepared for it's planting when I return, and the promise of change is in the air. I am content for the very first time in a very long time!