On the fourth of July, 2007 Caleb Potter was involved in a skateboarding accident.
He suffered serious injuries and continues to need all of our positive thoughts and prayers.
This blog is to serve as a space for updates on Caleb's journey of recovery.

Saturday, May 3, 2008

If you have not noticed prior to this rant .. I think of this blog as my private journal ( odd since it is anything but). It is my way to keep track (again, for myself), of the sequences, the highs and lows, my movement, my joys, my sorrows at the time ..... so that at some point way down the line, I can sit with my coffee some foggy early morning and read the story of our lives since July 4th. Right now it is still all just a blur.. a fast passing train going nowhere.
I say this so that you do not pity me .. I am ...... just observing.


I do indeed have back-up and we are all seeing a counselor, but she/he does not cover the calls coming in from prior dedicated customers who now cannot wait any longer for their gardens to be addressed ( I don't blame them), while I have a pile of bills climbing up to the ceiling. There are other landscapers ( not the majority) scooping up my jobs without a single courtesy call. I now have much of Jan's paperwork and mess to sort through, and I have the boys to worry about. I have no time to even sort through my own emotion, let alone those of my three young men. This is a nightmare of proportions that seems to have a life of it's own and threatens to swallow me down in one gulp.

I can only think that we are destined to do something else, the Potter's three and me. All signs are pointing in that direction and I don't wish to swim upstream, fighting against the current when I can jump in the rubber raft of my mind and drift downstream. The space in between what will be and what is....... is the void that must be created before jumping off into a new adventure......
and here on this precipice is where we stand.

In a way, Jan has bought me my freedom. In spite of the fact that we could not traverse our marriage as it was .. I always held in my heart the possibility that he would find his way home. Now I am not any longer tethered to hopes or dreams that will not be.

In all of the grief, despair, worry, confusion and anger, there is a feeling of divining water .. a bubbling spring that is working it's way up and up to find me. It is refreshing and new. It is the person I have already become, and have just not caught up to her yet........... but I will.


Caleb's memory and good humor is coming back, he is someone new to us .. a baby bird in hand, all puffed up with himself and waiting to fly.
Kai is a miracle child .. but he now has all the weight of this on his shoulders and carries it without the help of Atlas.
Max is tender and dedicated to Caleb in a way that is both touching and heart breaking. So much to bear.
I look forward to a day where we sit around the kitchen table and laugh with abandon .. with no hidden hurts dulling the sparkle in our eyes.

A footnote:
a call was made , an e-mail sent, and I found another one of my favorite people no longer walk this Earth with us.... Sandy S from PA.
I will miss you - you lovely creature of the gardens, you sparkling light, you lover of laughter,
and I will see you in my dreams.

I will see all of you in my dreamsl! mumsie

27 comments:

amy in ct said...

oh sharyn, your words haunt me and fill me with emotion. i feel as though i am sitting right there by you as you write.

i am glad that this epic adventure is creating a new you that you are exploring and hopefully liking as much as we like her too.

you WILL all be fine and one day you will sit around the table and have those laughs you speak of. i am so glad that you write in this blog. i do the same thing with mine, i write as a personal journal and tell of what i am feeling.... good bad and indiferent. it clears the soul and the mind so that you can go about what you need to do each day... i feel that way at least.
and i plan to do the same thing in a year.... look back and read about my life as it was and what it became.

i hope that you can hang on to enough customers to keep the pile of bills at bay. and i pray every day for you, caleb, kai and max that you can stay together, strong as you are, to continue to hold one another up as the unit that you you are 'potter/mumsie unit'.

please know that i am thinking of you all this gloomy day in CT.
peace to you
from amy in ct

Susanna said...

Bloggers; I was Sandy from Melrose Park, PA who was killed by a drunk driver. I believe there is another blogger who calls herself Sandy from PA who is I assume fine. I know the Sandy who died did read the blog, I don't know if she ever wrote on it. She was an amazing person who will be missed by so many.

Susanna said...

I meant "It was" of course.

Clance said...

Just wanna say hey, and I love you guys..
See you all soon..
x's n o's..

tigerlily said...

So beautifully expressed, Sharyn. I'm sure it must be overwhelming trying to get back to your business, all the while worrying about bills and your boys - young men - and surely Caleb is a new person to all of you now, so there is that to adjust to, also. I wonder why you have been given the task of handling Jan's paperwork, though. You have been divorced for many years. Isn't there someone else who could take that over and not let it be another thing to bring you down? Just wondering and hoping.

HannahMontana said...

tigerlily, I totally agree. Poor Sharon seems so overwhelmed. Does she even need to be involved with this? I was under the impression that her and Jan's relationship was not so great anyway. Why wouldn't Sarah be the one to take on that responsibility? She knows the boys(young men) well and she was Jan's closest confidante and love for the past 10 years. Sending my positive thoughts and love!!!!

Sharyn said...

We are all helping to take the responsibility - Ken, Sarah and I -- no one is solely responsible for all of this, nor should they be. mumsie
and yes- I am overwhelmed - but who would't be?

mybonnie said...

Being a local Gardiner I have been approached with several of your customers Shayrn. With the one account that I took on it was explained to me that you had notified them of your cutting back your accounts - theirs being one of them - to spend more time w/Caleb. I assumed they were truthful. There is reason for me to accept this account that go beyond, you personally, business, and beyond money. Please advise me as well as others, as how to proceed with the situation of requests to fill your absence. I am sure no one is insensitive to your needs. Certainly not me, I wish only a peaceful and much happier other side to your present place in this journey.

Jeff- in the Berkshires said...

I was out with my point & click camera this seemingly dreary morning taking pictures of spring just to see what comes though the lenses. There is so much brown but tucked all about are so many sprouts of green life. Through the gnarled thickets are small flowers in bloom. The heavy cool dampness chills the bones but is protective and nourishing this new life. When I download the pictures and crop them here and there it is amazing how some green and red and wonderful shades of green come into focus that was lost when I was trying to take it all in at once.

It seems like so much of what is going on with you all is like spring. Lots of brown, gnarled thickets, seemly dreary and gray, piles of work that can’t all be done and worries that can’t be solved. Like me with my camera you are taking it all in at once and it is overwhelming. But amidst all of this all are sprouts of growth everywhere and green all around being nourished by all else that is quietly going on.

When the days are sunny the new growth will thrive and overcome the brown and the flowers will be ablaze. That is how I see things happening with you all. What comes out in the end will look so different from what it looks like today. Your hope and determination are your sunshine that can not be dampened by the clouds and you will continue to grow new opportunities and experiences that will bloom another day.

Anonymous said...

Hello my love, Sharyn. Just a thought- when my husband, my boys and I make to the cape- WE HOPE- my husband Thomas may be able to lend a hand with Kai and the tons of work you all have. He's no expert but hardworking and strong- and he'd like to help you guys. He was otherwise not going to work, so let me know if you're interested. I'd also like to offer my help- I will be working nights at the Wicked but would absolutely love to spend some days with Caleb. I could just come over with my boys and we can weed the garden, mow the lawn, or just relax on the grass. That would maybe free up a bit of time for you to get some work done? I truly truly truly would love to do this- we could have it scheduled for the same time every week or whatever you need. Please consider it. I love you girl.

Sharyn said...

Bonnie - no worries, I did choose to give up some jobs...so that is correct...... I was only wanting to demonstrate the opening up of another choice that is bound to be around the corner - my intention was not to make anyone feel poorly. Love ya - happy gardening!

grace said...

Sharyn, i finally got my new acct. cause i couldnt comment here for awhile, tho i read the blog daily.
I am thinking of you all always and wish there were words to be said or any sort of action that could ease some of your pain.To read the words of your suffering really hurts cause i love you so dearly. you have been a great friend to me and iv'e always wanted to be like you. I still do. Xo. grace

Gail Hunter said...

Sharyn,
As I've said before, others comment so eloquently and evoke such images of beauty and passion....much like your writing, that I hesitate to add. But I just wanted you to know you are still in our thoughts even when we remain silent cyber friends. We've come to love you sight unseen for your sharing of your deep emotions. We learn and experience and hurt and grow with you and your boys and your extended web of family and friends. No judgement anywhere for your thoughts and your ups and downs and highs.....because that is how we all experience life. You are just brave enough and eloquent enough to paint such vivid pictures in our minds that we are swept up in the journey with you. What little I've learned from my own sorrows is expressed beautifully by Jeff-in -the Berkshires (a personal favorite blogger. There are just so many beautiful writers here.) I too sense the green change that is already emerging amidst the weeds and brown brambles. If that quote from Helen Keller proves true, you will be one HELL of a force to contend with after forging yourself in these fires. Thanks you as always for sharing with us, Sharyn.

SS mom

Unknown said...

Life is green here in the woods of Pennsylvania. The leaves have all sprouted and the maple out front is now shading my little home. The catbird has come back to nest in the mock orange and the wrens and chickadees are settling in to their houses, albeit with a lot of competing chatter over who gets which house. The hummingbirds buzzed into town 3 days early, but my foxglove is in glorious bloom along with a flowering quince so there is plenty for them to eat.

This is all to say that despite winter's best efforts to thwart it, Spring has finally arrived, as it does every year.....as we fight desperately to hang on, the world spins on it's axis and circles the sun, disregarding us entirely.

We have no choice but to keep going, but we can have a choice of which way to go......sometimes the direction is optional, other times mandatory, a lot of times necessary.
It is all about survival, renewal, and our sense of perspective.
I have confidence in your sense of direction and ability to choose a path that will enrich and renew your life and the lives of your three young men.

The road is long, but you have made it this far....and we are still walking right beside you, with arms ready to catch you if your steps start to falter. That fact is as immutable as Spring following Winter.....just so you know....
As always, with hope,
peg from PA

Lisa K. said...

Dear Sharyn,

I am always so appreciative of your willingness to open up about all seasons you live through even within one day. You are so strong and there is not a week that goes by that I don't face some challenge and get through it easier because I have your example in my mind.

Whatever job accounts you keep or lose, whatever bills get paid or passed on, there are wonders in life only you fulfill. Only you are the maternal force that drives Caleb's many victories, that breathes into all your sons your stamina, humor, toughness and love.

For whatever reason, you are here to make a difference that is new and different from the one you have made before. You are meant to inspire people you've never met, discover stregnth within you couldn't possibly have realized and perhaps, write that book that only your voice can write. You're doing it right now and there are so many of us who are in awe as you do so. I'm so sorry for the awful pain you must navigate while you go, believe me. No darkness, though, extinguishes your natural light and the deep warmth it has sent through all of us.

Vent anytime --- we are not leaving. Lisa K.

Gail said...

Sharyn, Thank you for entrusting us once again with a "rant", and ,especially, with your realization about Jan. I wish that we could speed things up for you, so that all at once you could greet the woman you have become ...but alas, we cannot. But I trust, I know, that in time it will all come together for you.

I was SO PLEASED to read about Caleb's humor and memory returning.
Best regards, Gail

Amy said...

Here I am in Wellfleet this rainy and cold weekend, sitting in our little cottage, staying warm and dry. This is weather for thinking and evaluating for sure---not even nice enough for a long distracting walk.

As we walk and drive through town, I find that I am looking to see Sharyn or the boys or whether I will recognize anyone else. Wellfleet is different to me now after almost a year of blogging here. It's more than it ever was, and that is saying so much because it has been so much for so long to us.

Sharyn, thank you for opening your heart and your community. I hope your new adventure, whatever it is, adds joy and light to everything you do.

Amy from western MA

kolleen said...

Sharyn,
I have felt like my family unlike a fast passing train going nowhere, were all seperate trains going to destinations unknown. I too would look forward to a day where we could sit around the kitchen table and laugh with abandon.......
with no hidden hurts dulling the the sparkle in all our lives.
Your words always make me trust how I feel and now make me strong enough to say.
Sweet sweet dreams, Kolleen

Sharyn said...

Amy who is visiting Fleet - call me - you can get my number from Kevin at the liquor store. I have already met some of the bloggers and would love to meet you too..
mumsie

Mom said...

Sharyn,

I have not posted in a long time, but have been following Caleb's Blog regularly, if not daily. I had the benefit of a lovely vacation this past March visiting my daughter in San Diego and then my Dad in Florida. All the while, I was still "tuning in" to check on Caleb's progress and enjoying the positive posts about his daily routine and adventures.

I packed my computer away about two hours before your post about Jan on April 1st, as I was flying back to Providence the following day. I heard the news on the radio while driving down the Mid Cape Highway. I was stunned and greatly saddened, and felt the need to give you and your sons privacy.

I have been thinking of you all and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers knowing you are living through an intensely personal and difficult time.

I appreciate your comments on this post about evolving, and not struggling against the current. I have spent a good deal of time doing just that, only to realize there are other options that not only diminish the stress and demands of the present, but allow for positive new beginnings.

Right now I am wondering what we can all collectively do to help you in the present moment in a very real and tangible way. The people of Wellfleet were generous beyond belief all last summer.

I can only imagine the weight of the bills you are looking at, Sharyn, and know you must feel overwhelmed. I guess I am asking all the fellow bloggers to help you out financially in any way we can by contributing again to the Caleb Potter Benefit Fund, if that is the correct vehicle with which to help you. Guidance, please. I hope I haven't spoken out of place.

I am wishing Caleb continued great progress with his recovery. I wish you all peace.

Amy said...

Sharyn, I would, of course, love to meet you! Unfortunately, we are leaving the Cape in about an hour to head home (boo...), but we will be back around Memorial Day for a longer stay, and I will drop by and get your number from Kevin then, if that is okay.

I also echo the post above---is there still a good place to donate to help with the bills?

Amy from western MA

Jackie said...

Sharyn,
I can't wait for you to catch up to that person you've become. We've already met her here and she is pretty terrific. She is strong, eloquent beyond words, fiercely loyal and loving. She's been handed a rough time (understatement), and she manages her life with total grace and dignity.
So many of us have been touched deeply by your honesty and bravery and would love to help you get through this. If there is any tangible way we can help, please ask.
Wishing you peace.
Jackie in NY

Unknown said...

Sharyn - you are so good to open up to us all - it is a rare thing to be able to do it at all, nevermind the eloquence! It pains me so to know that you hare having to deal with soooooo much. It just isn't fair - but it is what it is and I would also like to know if "a Chatham Mom's" idea of contributing to the fund is still possible. I think there are many of us who would like to help you in any way we can and perhaps right now a donation could be a way in which we could help that would truly be benefincial right now. Having said that I will be in Wellflett in Mid June - Mid July and would love to help you in any way that would be welcome.

Thnking of all of you.

All Love, Mom from CT (a/k/a Beth)

Unknown said...

Pardon all the typos in my last post - above. I'm only on my first cup of coffee. I guess I'd better drink up!

tigerlily said...

Dear Sharyn,
Was that you at the Wicked Oyster this morning? I wanted to say hello but didn't want to interrupt your conversation.

Kim Harris said...

Sharyn,
Love to you and the boys!
Thinking of you all the time.
Hope to see you soon.
Love,
Kim

Lizzie in CT said...

i wish i had a fraction of your courage and strength. sending peace, love, and positive vibes as always.