Caleb is bowling with the bro's - Timmy and Max. Kai is in the middle of finals and we are looking forward to our pilgrimage to Western Ma. next week for graduation.

Here is what it is like to convince yourself that everything is fine.

This past week, when Kai was home, Cedar, Ennie, Max and Kai set out for their first outing with Caleb to kayak on a beautiful day. Lunches were packed, Caleb was fitted into life jacket..boats were pushed off and life was good. Ethan came home and quickly donned his wet suit so as to be able to swim out and surprise the said boating excursion. It was supposed to be so fun! An hour passed .. me soaking in the rays of a beautiful day, finally reading a book, and imagining what great times all must be having out on the waters.

But .... Ethan and Caleb soon re-appeared looking glum at best. It was reported that a Ranger was reading the rest of the group the riot act for not having life jackets on.... about to issue them each $50.00 worth of ticketing... he was having a hay day explaining to them the dangers of the cold waters. ( In spite of the fact that I have lived here for over 30 years and was not aware of this fact that life jackets must be on. The waters are not that cold.. and jeees- kayaks float... could you just not kick your feet and hold on till you get to shore?) ( Personal freedoms)?

Ethan walked Caleb back to avoid the spewing of rules to a brain damaged chid which lasted more than a half of an hour.. . plenty of time for me to run down and unload onto this poor, unsuspecting character all of my hurt, aggravation and anger from the past 9 months in about two seconds flat. He jumped into his Ranger car and drove off into the horizon.


Now a week has passed and I was bookin it down OVD. (ocean view drive) I saw a Ranger's car pulled over to the side and thought he must be doing Ranger things in the woods. I was late getting back to Caleb and was keeping Jennie waiting... just after visiting the site where Jan last breathed. The lights flashed - and Oh God - it's me getting pulled over. He was kind, a straight shooter, no frills, no lectures and not all puffed up about himself, like the last Ranger ..
so I was going to be issued a $150.00 ticket -- well now , because he is giving me a break it will be $100.00.

I pulled out all the stops and pleaded that I was distracted, mindless, pre-occupied. I filled him in, using my facts to free myself. I used Caleb's situation to my advantage. That was low. .

I have an addressed envelope which will be delivered to the Seashore tomorrow. Enclosed is the $100.00 that came by me honestly.

I was mad at the first Ranger for executing his power over the boys - and I did the same thing! I guess the lesson in this is -- when we are angry and pointing the finger - we must, like the Chinese say --point that finger back in our own direction.... for that is were the problem lies. Bad girl ... at this age I am still learning.. the difference is that I do not any longer beat myself up about it - I laugh and say out loud---bustedll!
Love ya, mumsie