We are now a murder of crows...the boys and I ; congregating with fear and loathing and desperation ; heated tempers abound and low self esteem is a chorus from each corner of the room. What ever did we do to get here, we ask? The tension in the air can be gutted like a pig- it is so dense, and our emotions spill out like entrails to the floor, piling one on top of the other to be sorted out later because we cannot remember what it was we wanted to address a second ago, let alone what we need to look at now.
The rind of our skin is raw and our minds are unraveling.
This is what it is to be left behind . .this is what it is to be left.
I am worried sick over the boys and how they take this to heart and hug it tight like a hot kettle, not dropping it even tho it burns.
Now that we have closure with the service, we have clots in our hearts . This has to be the lowest point in our lives and climbing back out is a necessity, but where the rope comes from, I do not know!
We will make it, we must make it.
We will make it - will we make it? we must!
mumsie
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
57 comments:
Oh, Sharyn--we all wish we could help shoulder your pain. Please remember, at the very worst times, that we love you so much and our hearts are heavy with your sadness.
love,
mia
I was 18 when my mom died. The time after her memorial service was the hardest for me. Everyone was getting on with their lives, and I was expected to do the same.
Sharyn and family, please know that the love and support of your community will not end after Jan's memorial service, or even if Caleb's progress slows down a bit.
With my love and caring,
Jen.
Sharyn, you absolutely will make it. No question. Please allow yourselves this time of mourning. Be kind to yourselves, try to be kind to each other. When the time is right, you will move forward. You will move on. As surely as day follows night.
Wishing you peace, always -
Jerry
The rope comes from all of us, all around you...we will pull you out, hand over hand you will pull each other out.
Yes, Sharyn you and the boys WILL make it. I must echo the previous blogger's sentiment with regard to the most difficult time after losing someone being after the services. My experience with that was after my brother and later my mohter died. It is such a lonesome and difficult time and so easy and natural to feel defeated. There is just no easy way - you just have to muddle through. And you will. All of you. I do not have any doubts. It will not be easy - but you can and will do it - in your own time and methods. Be so very good and gentle to yourselves and each other. God bless. Lots of love to you all.
Mom in CT
To you all,
Sending arms to hold you and know that the tight rope is there to climb on.
much love
Donna and Fran
all i can add is that i'm here for you. i love you all dearly.
love,
morgan
To the family,
Yes, you will get through it. You will wonder why everyone is continuing their lives, laughing, eating, sneezing, etc. when you are living a nightmare. You will be angry, really angry, sad, puzzled, lost and everything else...this is mourning...grief counseling can be helpful...
The YOU will get through it because you are surrounded by same collective spirits and prayers that have been there for you. And in a moment of peace and clarity(they will be small at the beginning), you will be open to receiving all that is meant to support you. First hand experience.
Dearest Sharyn -
Please know that we are the rope and the tree to which it is tethered...the rock that anchors it...and we're not going anywhere.
We offer small footholds, slivers of sunlight, snippets of birdsong. Eventually as you climb...two steps upward one step back...the footholds will get wider and closer together, the sunbeams brighter and warmer and the single notes will expand into symphony...with time.
My father died suddenly when I was fifteen and his absence touched and transformed every part of my life. The loss of him is as vital a part of my essence as my blue eyes, my easy laugh, my affinity for the sea and my love of my children. I treasure my time on the Cape more because it is the place where I feel his presence most. I derive great pleasure from NY Yankee baseball, fresh pressed apple cider and getting dirty in the process of planting things because that is who he was, and my way of honoring his life - of keeping him alive - is to love his loves. My guess is that your boys will each find their own way to carry Jan forward into the world. Their lives have been altered, their trajectories changed, but they'll start where they are - you'll ALL start where you are - and keep climbing.
You HAVE been left behind...but you've been left with warm memories, with fondness and laughter and the kind of love that melts you sometimes. I promise that with time your anger and guilt and fear will soften and the the good things about the part of your lives that you spent with Jan will supersede this hollow, "heart-clotting", blistering kettle time. You will be able to sleep and breathe and eat and dance again, and we will all still be here with the rope...letting out the slack as you go.
You will make it - you will ALL make it...I just know it.
with the biggest kind of tight-rope love from me and mine -
Susan
Those left behind by a suicide are indeed left in a special hell--not to say forever, because one does slowly move out of it. But I have experienced many deaths and the suicide was truly the most shattering. It left me questioning my own sanity. I hope you and the boys consider crisis counseling with a therapist. Certain therapists will see people on a short term basis (like, for 6 weeks) to get them through the bleakest (and most frightening) period just after a terrible event.
I know it saved me, got me off a dangerous course and back to where I could think about taking care of myself again.
I mean this delicately and say it with love: suicide is so difficult to cope with because one is facing raw, overpowering grief at the same time that one feels anger at the act. These are difficult feelings to reconcile and they tend to produce tremendous guilt. You and the boys (and all those in Jan's life) should know that these feelings are inevitable and that they can't be sorted out until they are experienced.
But mainly I just want you and the boys to know that this horrible period will not last. Things will gradually get normal again, even though life will be infused with the knowledge of what's been lost. But the emotions and intensity and terror and rage will not continue to subsume you. And when these things abate, life will not be so difficult.
My warm thoughts to you all. Just try to get through today. Overeating baked goods helps.
Sheila in CT
Dearest Sharyn, and family
It is so easy for me to say you will make it.. while things will never truly be the same, I know you WILL make it.. you are just in such a major transition, I can only imagine it feels like things are spiraling downhill.
Keep the faith, & know we all love you so. That which doesn't kill us, only makes us stronger. Keep your hearts, mind and spirits in a positive place, & you will prosper. I feel awful that such a wonderful, caring, giving family has had to endure SO much, but the universe has it's strange lil ways of putting humans such as yourselves through the tuffest of times, so that we can look up to you, and learn. You all have dealt with this so heroically. And give me faith that if it were to happen to me, I could be just as brave, embracive, and graceful.
I love you all.. take extra care. Xo.. Clance
Sharyn...You will make it. Everyone will be there for you and your boys. Looking forward to meeting this summer when we visit Wellfleet, if possible.
Peggy from Western MA
I realize Jan's death is just one more thing you have to deal with, one more tragedy, one more struggle, and adding another appointment to the schedule will be difficult, but PLEASE all of you get some therapy. There is nothing to be ashamed of by going. Yes, you and the boys are strong, and your bond is tight, but sometimes you need someone outside the circle, a stranger if you will to get you through the toughest times.
Make time for it, encourage the boys to take part in it, truly it will help.
Even if you just go and sit and cry for an hour, even if one of the boys goes and says nothing, it will help.
If you think about it, two have been taken away from the fold, one is still here, but not the same. You have suffered a great loss with both.
Make time for it, don't put it off.
Peace and Love,
J
Sharyn,
You all must make it is right!
It's not multiple choice. Your boys and you all need each other... Try to think of what you have and not what you don't have... Doesn't that certainly bring you a smile! You and your boys have touched a LOT of hearts. Put your heads up and not down... We are all here for each other...
Kevin
The rope is Life, the rope is Hope. Since last July you have clung to that rope as it seemed like you were all, so many times, so close to the fiery bottom of the pit.
Remember that you all climbed out of that pit one pull at a time. Slipping back and then regrouping and pulling again. Helping each other, being with each other and when one of you felt weak and tired and hopeless and needed support you took turns being strong.
And there is this huge safety net to rely on, the net of community that was with you on Sunday along the beach and with you in spirit. The community that has been with you for a long time, through times of darkness and times of despair.
The emotional letdown after the service is normal. The planning, dealing with the initial issues of a death, the tremendous physical support of people around provides structure and in some sense a shield from having to deal with the longer future. With that structure gone and the absence of focus; the grief, anger, questions, doubt and the hurt have nothing left to contain them and hold them back. It can be tremendously scary to see these be released - but let them out, let them be free. Let them scatter with the winds.
If you can, find some constructive release of the anger, collectively and individually.
The service itself does not provide closure, you must all grant yourself closure to move on. Each of you will come to terms with this in your own way. Just as you have seen Caleb heal, slowly and steadily, making progress and then not; so will be the healing that needs to take part in your heart, in each of the boys, with everyone effected with this loss. You will never be the same, you will never forget, but you will come to terms with it being another part of the fabric of your lives, as individuals and as a family. The fabric of your family is strong. This rip will heal and it will show a scar but this fabric will not unravel in the wind.
To let Jan to be totally free and to move on, you yourselves will need to become free from Jan and to move on.
Strong wishes of peace to you all!
Sharyn, I have plenty of rope in my prayers for you and your family. You have proven how strong and courageous that you are. I believe in you and the strong bond you have with your children.
Sharyn,
This has resonated with me . . .
Sitting silently
doing nothing
spring comes.
And the grass
grows by itself.
love from Erin in Newton
Sharyn,
Sometimes, in my hardest and darkest hours, I have found solace in the idea that human life is both precious and an almost unbearable challenge. There are times in which survival is an accomplishment. If someone else had the rocks thrown at them one after the other, you'd say wow, look at that strength-- they are enduring those rocks!! In history, it's been the greatest act of courage to survive. You are enduring with grace and charm and motherly worry. For that alone, you can bring enormous compassion to yourself and all those feelings that our brain comes up with to try, in vain, to explain what it can't. As Chuck always says, go lightly with yourself. You deserve your own gentleness. xo, Reva
Sharyn,
I hear you....and I hear how bad it is....I can only tell you that I KNOW you have MANY,MANY people there to hold that rope out for you and your boys and pull it for as long as you need - AND - I need to tell you that for more than 30 years, I thought therapy was for "everyone else who goes" not me - I am fairly enlightened (I thought), very analytical, etc...what can they do for me, I always said to myself - Sharyn - it's not true.
There are GOOD therapists out there who know how to guide us, how to hold out a rope that we couldn't even see.....and help us see the sun and begin to heal.
I so strongly agree with the other cyber family members who ask that you look toward therapy - for all of you, for as long or as short as you want - your feelings must be SO incredibly complicated - it's too much to ask of yourselves to sort them out and deal all on your own.
I am struggling with learning how to ask for help - after 40 years....I am able to see, with the help of a therapist, that that is VERY difficult for me - but my first step in seeing that was getting myself to go!
ASK for help now Sharyn - for you and your sons - don't expect to be able to do it alone. Don't put that on yourself.
You CAN do it - and you will - but REACH OUT - take the help that is out there, and I really think this is a time to turn to places where you may not have before.
Myabe somebody close to you can help you research the type of therapist you would be most comfortable with - have a friend help make some calls......as hard as it might be (or not) give yourself over and let somebody HELP you with this burden of healing yourself and your children.
I wish I could be speaking with you in person.....so much more I want to say - I hope you hear me and can feel how much I want to help.
Friends nearby in Wellfleet - help Sharyn find her family's way to a great therapist who can help them handle this awful time.....that first phone call can be the hardest part of it all.....
Nancy in NY
Sharyn,
You will all make it. You have no choice. You all have so much living to do! Please ask for help, talk to a therapist if need be, as you will all grieve differently. Push through this, I know no one wants to hear "time heals all wounds" but it does, it softens the pain.
Take care, hug the boys, you are all still here to love & be loved.
Dear Sharyn,
I ache so much for you and your family, and want to remind you that you ARE "making it." Making it does not have to mean anything other than taking in another breath and exhaling one more time. You are all so raw right now for such justified reasons, and you ARE all breathing in and out together.
We are here for you as well, to cry, rage, grieve, honor and breathe alongside you. I pray our love reaches you all as you face each moment. All our love from all of us, Lisa K.
Sharyn,
You CAN do this - but maybe not alone this time.
It took me better than 30 years to realize that therapy was not just for "other people".
I thought I knew a lot - could analyse my way out of anything, was fairly open to the world around me, etc.
it has taken therapy to begin to show me so many things - and one of them, is that asking for help is very difficult for me!
There are so many ropes for you and the boys - friends, family, us, here in cyber land - but don't try to do it alone...how can you alone, find the way to deal with all the complicated feelings,issues and questions you AND your boys must be having now?
WHY NOT seek help and get there a little easier...and more quickly?
How strong can one person be?
If ever there was a time a person needs to accept and allow some outside help - I think NOW qualifies!
Making those first calls to seek the right therapist with the right approach, or just the right connection and style can be a huge road block -
I am asking Sharyn's closest people to talk with her and maybe make some of those initial calls for her.
There is a way out....but finding that road can feel impossible - that's when we try to give some of our pride over and say, "help me".
Help me get to the other side.....it's too dark here and I don't like it. You must feel responsible to help your boys - but you need help too - I wish I could be sitting in your kitchen,talking with you right now - but instead, I'm in mine, in New York,typing this - and hoping you can feel how much so many of us want to help -
My best advice is to find a great therapist who can help you carry this load - it will become lighter and you WILL begin to see the light again - but take the help, and get there sooner rather than later...but remember - you WILL get there, which ever way you choose to walk.
Take the help Sharyn - I promise it will be a good thing.
Friends in Wellfleet - make some calls - help Sharyn get out of the darkness.
Nancy in NY
I thought my first post got canned - but I'm leaving the almost duplicate - so Sharyn can read the words twice - lean on others.....now more than ever -
We are here - always.
Nancy
dearest sharyn, boys, and family...
your poetic expression of your present situation is heart-breakingly beautiful. i feel i have no new words to add to what has already been stated here thus far. as difficult as this may be or sound, sharyn...please do not carry the pain and burdon of this for your boys. they are such strong men, just as you are a strong woman...i am not a mother yet, so i can not imagine the immense desire to free your phenomenal sons from this weight, this internal burning sensation that all of you may be feeling at this present moment. but perhaps that is not your job. they too will and have become stronger even in their weakness from all of this...
all of you WILL get THROUGH this. but as the words were spoken on sunday, "we will never GET OVER this." we have to allow ourselves time to heal. there is no time limit in our grieving processes...we must be patient with our selves.
i personally have had a really hard time since leaving wellfleet this weekend and coming back to vermont. and with writing, processing, crying, talking and practicing/teaching yoga i am working on being present with my emotions when they arise. i was speaking with a dear friend/mentor of mine and she said that i should be present and meditate on my anger. since last july i have been trying to cultivate gratitude that caleb is still alive, that he is healing, that i am alive...trying not to allow myself to feel anger about the whole situation...about this present situation. anger is another emotion, as powerful as love...and when it arises, perhaps we need to allow ourself the space to express it and release ourselves from the pain we hold when we carry the wait of un-expressed anger.
it made me so happy to hear amy tell me that you had been landscaping again. and that kai was working on finishing up his last semester of college... (max i didn't have a chance to really check in with you... but know that i love you and hope you enjoyed that rumplemints... :)) let us physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually allow ourselves to release the extra weight of pig entrails... attempting to free ourselves with one exhale at a time...
you are LOVED. all of you!!! the rope of which you climb comes down when you believe there is a rope from which you can dangle and begin your climb. we all are hear to help hold this rope...witnessing your strength and courage of which it takes to begin that first reach towards it...
i love you...i love you...i love you...
xoxo
keri
Talk to a Therapist Online
Now you can meet with a psychotherapist for personal counseling or advice, from the privacy of your own computer.
Using the Internet, professional counselors are forming effective helping relationships with people like you.
This is the only independent consumer guide to therapists and counselors who provide help over the Internet - compiled by consumers, for consumers.
Is “e-therapy” the right choice for me?
How can I protect myself from “quacks”?
Will my online counseling be private?
How much does e-therapy cost?
How do I compare e-therapist qualifications?
Are there any issues I should know about? Before you consult a therapist online, there are some things you need to know. We’ll tell you what to consider when talking with a therapist online.
Click to start
or read on...
This directory is now maintained by Psych Central and is up to date as of Feb. 2007. Click here to jump to the directory of online therapists.
Online counseling - “e-therapy” - is when a professional counselor or psychotherapist talks with you over the Internet, to give you emotional support, mental health advice or some other professional service. It could be one question, or an ongoing conversation; it could be by e-mail, chat, video or even Internet phone (voice-over-IP).
E-therapy is a viable alternative source of help when traditional psychotherapy is not accessible. It’s effective. It’s private. It’s conducted by skilled, qualified, ethical professionals. And for some people, it's the only way they can get help from a professional therapist.
E-therapy is not psychotherapy. It should not be compared to psychotherapy. It is not a substitute for traditional psychotherapy. Working with a therapist in person is still better. But many people cannot or will not see a therapist in person. E-therapy is a form of counseling which, though it falls short of full-fledged psychotherapy, is still a very effective source of help.
E-therapy directly addresses a major problem uncovered by the Surgeon General's Report on Mental Health (1999) which stated that while one American in five has a diagnosable psychological problem, nearly two-thirds of them never seek treatment.
Managed care and the mental health industry sometimes make it difficult for people to get the care they need. When traditional systems fail them, many people are turning to the Internet.
Click here if you're ready to begin >>
Can counseling help?
Things happen in life
that are normal - we all face them...
but they are difficult.
A big change in your life...
loss of a job, or a home, or an important relationship...
emotions and feelings that seem overwhelming...
challenges of parenting and family life...
troubling relationships...
difficulties at work...
Why would you want to go through it alone?
When these things happen to you,
it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you;
it doesn't mean you are “mentally ill.”
These things happen to everybody.
A psychotherapist is trained to help you cope with those things
so you can get through them, and feel better.
Psychotherapists can help you.
And now, some of them can help you on the Internet.
Click here if you're ready to begin >>
Conversation, not just information
Millions of people search for mental health information on the Internet, and there is a lot. But now there are also humans there for you: professional therapists who will answer questions, provide psychological advice customized for you, or develop an ongoing relationship to help you explore personal issues.
This site will show you how to connect with live humans...
experts in emotional health,
ready to give you individualized help.
Click here if you're ready to begin >>
Why do it online?
Online counseling is not a substitute for traditional psychotherapy. If you can visit a therapist in person, you should. But if you can’t visit a therapist’s office, online counseling can be a helpful and effective alternative.
Maybe you don’t have access to a therapist nearby.
Maybe you are nervous or embarrassed about counseling.
Many people are.
Maybe your schedule is keeping you from getting help in person.
Maybe you can’t afford to see a counselor in person.
If so, maybe online counseling can be helpful.
Online counseling is not appropriate for everyone. And, as with any new frontier, there are some issues you should consider before trying it. But every day, responsible, competent, ethical mental health professionals are forming effective helping relationships via the Internet - relationships that help and heal.
Click here if you're ready to begin >>
© Copyright 1995-2004 Martha Ainsworth. All rights reserved.
Hosted as a community service by Mental Health Information at Psych Central
Here's the link for on-line therapy information:
http://www.metanoia.org/imhs/
Suicide is not chosen; it happens
when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain
I hope this helps
Let us be your rope. Call on your friends and community to pull you up. Read these words and know you are loved by so many.
Love,
Kim
As a foster child I was left behind by everyone in my family. I didn't understand why I was abandoned and I hated myself for not being good enough to hold on to. As the years went by they became living ghosts to me.
You will survive. I did and I lost everything that was familiar to me. The experience was harder than words can ever hope to describe and yet here I am today. There were no expectations that I would thrive and yet I did. There were a lot of assumptions, motivations and temptations that I would destroy myself and for a while I tried to do just that.
I wish I had been kinder to myself but kids very often really do take the blame for what's wrong at home. I feel blessed today for the pain I endured because I know that nothing can kill me unless I choose to let it kill me. I truly am the hero of my childhood dreams. I'm getting my MBA with a 3.9 GPA in three weeks. Neat trick but really not so important. I’m a hero because I have forgiveness and love in my heart. I have my sanity back. I have peace in my soul. Family surrounds me.
The logic of my roots remains a mystery. It always will be. It is not for me to know. Actions are not always logical and you learn to sit with that truth also.
You will get through this and the boys will get through this because that is what God has given you to do. Try to learn from my mistakes.
Be kind to yourselves and if you do destructive things, try to recognize it for what it is. Grief can seduce you into doing unhappy things often because of thinking unhealthy thoughts. Forgive yourself. Be kinder to yourself. Honor the grief but don’t let it kill you. And when you are ready, you will move on.
you WILL make it, no doubt...
Best, Kelly G
Sharyn,
I am so very sorry to hear your raw pain and sadness. I wish I knew what to say; I wish that words could be of comfort. So I can only reiterate what has been said throughout, since last July: that we are with you on this journey, praying for you and yours.
(a) Mom in CT
Sharyn,
It may be that you do not need a rope to pull yourselves out at all but rather something to climb onto that will offer support, something that you can ascend at your own pace with steady platforms where you can wait out the twilight storms of grief as they wash over you and cleanse your hearts of the pain.
So, here we all are, some of us you know and some of us you have yet to meet. We are on our hands and knees, forming a big pyramid, waiting for you to climb over us. We will be patient and hold you up until you ascend from the darkness and see nothing but sunlight.
-K
Sharyn, Kai, Caleb, Max, Sarah, and Ken; all you have to do is ask for help and it will be there. It isn't always the help you were expecting, but it usually is what is needed at that place in time.
Don't waste time blaming, it is a destructive emotion. We all tend to blame ourselves for things that go horribly wrong, and then we blame others. If only, if only, if only...but we can't go back in time and change anything. It might not even be possible, were anyone to know what was to come.
I wish you all peace and happiness.
Sandy in PA
Dear Sharyn and Sons,
Allow all of us to wrap you in our arms, because we are all here for you. Cry, wail, sob and weep, and one day the slightest smile will emerge to surprise you.
Buddhism teaches impermanence; we cannot have light without dark, joy without sorrow. While we'd rather pass on the dark and sorrow, their very experience is what makes their opposites so very rich, and they will be yours again one day.
Jeff -in the Berkshires - You are right on and well said.
Sharyn - You skipped right over anger to forgiveness, so you need to back up and finish with that first part. When you are ready, the rope will appear, because it was there all the time.
Roberta in Wellfleet
Sharyn,
Your family is the rope, the individual strands that are woven to give the rope its strength. Thank-you for being so honest, most of us cannot imagine what you are going through...but I do know if anyone has the courage and conviction to pull through it is you and the boys. There is a lot of wisdom and support in the posts that precede my message. I know you are not afraid to ask for help if you want it, and I trust that you will when you want to.
You and the boys are at the forefront of my mind. Tonight, before their bedtime, I was showing Sacha and Sophia a photo album, in it were pictures of me at your current property, just as the house was being built... I was giving Caleb and Kai a push in the hammock that was being used as their swing, and Max (in a diaper) was holding a can of Jan's Foster's oversized beer - it must have been 20 years ago, perhaps longer.
With love,
Claus
Sharyn and dear boys,
I just don't know what more I can say that you haven't heard so eloquently, spiritually and supportively from your many followers near and far. It's easy for all of us to say that you will make it, but only you will be the one to make it happen. For yourself.
The boys... They ARE strong. I've seen. Fearless, against the roar of the sea, and the unseen below. Salt may be in their eyes, and yes, they might possibly gulp down a few bitter swallows, only to prevail, to surface, to suck down another breath, to face down another oncoming wave. They will take the ride.
Although I haven't written in months, I am, as many others are, with you daily. Many have had profound sadness. Many have found their way back.
I'll be back in Fleet in a few weeks for the season. I'd like to help you and the boys. Simple things. Everyday things. I'll try. Will you? Sharyn, Kai, Max and dear Caleb? Reach out.
Jane McG
So much raw emotion, too much to be borne, all of you, alone, together.
We are here to support but you do need more. It is not just helpful, but essential. Please seek it out. It is terrible to think of you and the boys suffering so. It is necessary to get through to the other side, but you do not have to do it alone. You all chose life......find someone to help you live it, in peace.
We are here, still, a jumble of arms wrapped around you.
As always, with hope,
peg from PA
Hey hold on......that's all you can do...sending you love from afar. Our hearts and prayers are with you always
Lisa in Pa.
I have no words, only sympathy and prayers of hope for you all.
Amy from western MA
As I was out in the kayak yesterday and it was a glorious day, I was having one of my usual discussions with the wind. It blows from the oceans and through the hills and the forests and was visiting the lake. I was asking about the service, about you, about the family, about everyone I have learned about and become fond of in this place at the shore. The wind told me that "tired" was what it observed and felt when it was there. Hopeful people, kind people, caring people, hard working people, special people who were just worn out and tired. Tired of the past 10 months, the ups and downs and the downs and the downs, the lack of normality, the lack of time to rest and the inability of life to just "be" for a while and recharge.
The wind is sometimes wiser than I as I usually look to how I can fix something when sometimes the answer is to let it be. What it is telling me was that what you all really need is rest, space and peace and the time to return to some sense of "normal".
So I pass on that message from my friend the wind. Take time, let some space happen, rest, heal. We are a safety net and you have a physical one around you. You will not fall. You all just need to rest and be at peace for a while. Then you can regroup and move on.
.
here is a rope. please use it to bind yourselves together in a tight and loving bundle and i and the rest of this community will hold you tight. you are safe..this too shall pass..as everything does...the confusion,angst,restlessness....we bump up against each other to know where we begin and end..it is part of the process. boys, sharyn....you are a beautiful unit of loving family. i am honored to be a little corner of your world. i will do anything you need to help you to remember just how wonderful you all are...because we all love you so very much, in your lightest and darkest hours. i pray for peace in your heart today...love lisa
Dear Sharyn and clan,
I can say nothing more than re-iterate what has been said already.
You ALL are strong and will pull through! I envy the fact that you realize the problems and can verbalize them. Those are the first steps.... this blog serves as a sounding board and is a great place for some "down-home" theapy. There is much love and insight here and many,many people love and support you. Always know that.
Love, Julie/Court's mom
Sharyn, the rope is within, not without. You and your sons must find the right counselor/s to deal with this past year. It is too great a burden to figure out alone. And each one of you will respond to Jan's suicide differently, at different paces, going through the stages of grief. You each need to take care of yourselves, individually, before you can together. It is not a sign of weakness to seek help. On the contrary, it is a sign of strength and hope. You can be of help to Jan's boys who will miss him beyond description...you had already dealt with not having him in your life years ago when you each went your separate ways. That strength and history will help them grieve. Sarah will find her way through her family and friends and in her relationship with the Jan's sons. Get out in this amazing sunshine, breathe deeply and let go. It's the only way.
Jeff in the Berkshires:
As always, your words are a gentle, insightful, healing, lyric breeze. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Sharyn:
You and your sons are shell-shocked, wounded warriors. You are strong, so strong, but even the strong need time to heal. Be kind to yourself; be kind to each other. Be patient. Ask for whatever help you need. You will heal.
NY/Wellfleet Mom
Sharyn,
As difficult as it may seem, the only answer here is surrender. Surrender to your emotions and this experience, as the only way to the other side is through them. To paraphrase Eckhart Tolle: "behind every form of suffering there is grace. Grace is hiding, and it will not reveal itself until you surrender."
We are all the rope for you and your boys, and our prayers are for you to find that grace.
With lovingkindness,
Joan
With regards to what Jeff in the Berkshires said (gotta love Jeff in the B-shires!): Sharyn, I remember bumping into you and Tim in town after the parade on the 4th of July. You were exhausted. You had had company from out of town. All you wanted to do was go home and sleep.
In reading through these posts and thinking of my own painful memories, the only ropes I see are time and love. So I am wishing all of you a forgetful sleep. And when you wake from dreams into this nightmare, may the hours pass swiftly and the love of others and each other pull you through.
Matt B in NYC
Jeff in the Berkshires -
as always, you astonish me with your wisdom and your ability to capture the most esoteric things with words. Thank you for your gift today....you are a treasure.
Big Love,
Susan
Sharyn
Understanding yet not understanding........
Time and love and surrendering crying and more crying
and more love
and more time
and turning up the radio real real loud when this song came on
got me to today
with the loss of my brother John
to suicide
I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back an' pretend
'Cause I've heard it all before
And I've been down there on the floor
No one's ever gonna keep me down again
Oh yes, I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to
I can do anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman
You can bend but never break me
'Cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
'Cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul
Oh, yes, I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to
I can face anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman
I am woman watch me grow
See me standing toe to toe
As I spread my lovin' arms across the land
But I'm still an embryo
With a long, long way to go
Until I make my brother understand
Oh, yes, I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to
I can face anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman
Oh, I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong
I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong
I am woman
I will hold on to that hug I gave you for forevermore,
xoxoxo kolleen
"honor the grief, but don't let it kill you.." someone else wrote and I echo that. Sharyn and Kai and all of you who are hurting about Jan...stay with it, it's the worst ride you'll ever take, but trust us who have taken it...it's worth holding on till you reach the other side and with all the love going for you there is no way you all won't make it.
big hugs from Louisville.
Gina
Love Patience Hope Friendship Deep Breaths....
Sharyn, What a good discription of how you are all feeling. Of course you are all raw and angry and overwhelmed. You are being asked to forgive the seemingly unforgivable and understand what is truely not understandable. I echo the people who say this situation may call for professional assistance. please call me if you want the names of some good people I know who might be able to help.
Sending lots of love, hugs and strength to you.
Bless you all....
Well, there is an abundance of good positive suggestions on this Blog. My first inclination is for you to seek some sort of counceling-you and the boys,to mainly help with each of you to relate to the other. I am so sorry.
I see the rope drifting with the tide---in and out being within your grasp one minute and not quite reachable the next.Just be patient for the next high tide which will bring the rope closer and even closer the next high tide and so on--------------.
Sheila in CT.,Jeff in the Birkshires---and many more have kind and thoughful words of encouragement. So articulate are they all. Peace Sharyn and to your boys I send warm motherly hugs.
My love to you all.
Penny
Well, there is an abundance of good positive suggestions on this Blog. My first inclination is for you to seek some sort of counceling-you and the boys,to mainly help with each of you to relate to the other. I am so sorry.
I see the rope drifting with the tide---in and out being within your grasp one minute and not quite reachable the next.Just be patient for the next high tide which will bring the rope closer and even closer the next high tide and so on--------------.
Sheila in CT.,Jeff in the Birkshires---and many more have kind and thoughful words of encouragement. So articulate are they all. Peace Sharyn and to your boys I send warm motherly hugs.
My love to you all.
Penny
Well, there is an abundance of good positive suggestions on this Blog. My first inclination is for you to seek some sort of counceling-you and the boys,to mainly help with each of you to relate to the other. I am so sorry.
I see the rope drifting with the tide---in and out being within your grasp one minute and not quite reachable the next.Just be patient for the next high tide which will bring the rope closer and even closer the next high tide and so on--------------.
Sheila in CT.,Jeff in the Birkshires---and many more have kind and thoughful words of encouragement. So articulate are they all. Peace Sharyn and to your boys I send warm motherly hugs.
My love to you all.
Penny
I am hoping things are better, even just a tiny bit.....thinking of you all every day, and sending thoughts of peace, and love...
As always, with hope,
peg from PA
Post a Comment