I first laid eyes on him in passing--he was on the town bench in the centre of Fleet, I was speeding by in my Orange bug and I flashed him a flirtatious smile, the kind where you have nothing to lose cause you'll never see the guy again. Much to my surprise, he was standing in front of me only an hour later - this time with the heat in my face rising to a full flush and Jan asking if he could join the club for the winter..he was building a house and the plumbing was not in... he needed a place to shower.
Our first date was dinner at his place..sitting on a rug -- the menu was cheese, purple grapes and wine with Jean Piere Rampal wafting through the walls and then through my mind. I remember thinking he was the most handsome creature I had ever seen.
I spent the next week hiking the Appalation trail with quiet all around and a head full of boisterous thoughts of Jan.

A year later we were married and Caleb was arriving in May. Jan sold that house; he had started it with his first wife and we wanted a clean slate. On moving day we packed and were settling in when my water broke.. The midwives were called. It started getting dark and we did not yet have electricity , or running water, so Jan started the charcoal grill in order to boil the water that they might need. In one short hour Caleb appeared, brought into the world by candle light and us, midwives still on their way.

Fast forward to 84 and Kai was with us , then Max followed in 86. Two more beautiful boys.
Jan was so proud to have 3 little men.
He had this spectacular, herculean strength and his favorite thing to do was pitch the kids into the air and catch them when they finally dropped back to Earth. He taught me to let them find their own way by not fussing over them.. he wanted them to decide what worked for them and what didn't --I did not get to dictate this for them. He was all about their freedom and allowing them to police themselves. He trusted in the process of natural consequences. I trusted him.

Then we move to the place where our marriage began to unravel. Jan was so gifted and so kind hearted that many, many nights after working all day, he would spend another few hours helping out a neighbor, or moving someone into a new home, or whatever it was that anyone needed..... he spread himself so thinly that there was no time for himself or for us. He did not have the means to say no... and we all suffered the consequences this time.

But Jan was true to himself and if I had to describe him in a nut shell I would say he was a man of love.. he loved people, he loved his boys, he loved the ocean and at one time he loved me.
I will miss him and his big smile.
I am happy to know that somewhere out there walking the streets is someone who is living now because of his big heart.
and I wonder if I might just not recognize him in passing........