The Potters three continue to impress...Our household was similar to others-a division of labor carefully chosen without words-just happens , but now conquered by Caleb as we are, we are joined at the hip even more tightly....and all are present like an ant colony...not a day will pass where Kai and Max rally around Caleb for a bubbly bath time or dinner - an assembly line of good intentions chopping onions with teary eyes and hot salsa peppered with laughter to warm our hearts and minds. We move forward diligently and puposefully.
Cedar and Ennie came by to share an evening and I had a chance to ask Cedar privately how he felt about Caleb and his progress(someone Cedar has know since around birth) It is only a loving friend who can see clearly the possibilities instead of the negative and Cedar called it all out of the mist - "He is doing well, improving and remembering and laughing at the appropriate inuendoes". Close friends are like the dollars we collect thinking it is amount that matters till we are hit- then it is the genuine love and smiles and the tender rememberances that become the commodity to seek.
Kai leaves in two days for school - he is my stick on the tightrope -- but Max is becoming the solid rock- he is rising to the challenge and when Kai goes back to schoool, it will be Max who gets to shine..always the shadow of the family by choice in the past - he is now going to be running the show- and he is prepared.
The cold air has settled in for a few months, but we are warm with the thoughts of healing. I wake each night around two and cannot sleep again till 4 . I think of my mother and father and cry out for them to guide us and help us if they can from where they are now - and I am relieved to know that sound travels farther in the cooler air. mumsie
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27 comments:
Oh, evasive sleep!!!!
Martha says take a benadryl before going to bed, or a couple of TylenolPM. Helps me! Hating sleeplessness, I've tried both, and both have worked most of the time. Be well, stay warm. See you soon. Cookies are a coming!!!
God Bless, hugs and love ~ Natale
I have spoken to you by e-mail before. I am from NY but my daughter's future in-laws have a house in Wellfleet. I am "OneEyedOT" who you thought had one eye! I send Caleb light and love every moment that I can. Continue calling on your parents from wherever they are, they are watching, loving, hovering. I feel in my heart that he will be fine. He is a spirited pirate, how could he NOT be better?
Too many times I read your blog & find myself crying... good tears. You write from the heart. And, it touches me. Thank you. I just know it's better for me to read alone......
- now I'll think of little else from 2 till 4...
your update posts read like poetry and I'm happy to have them.
Cedar would know. I know the accident changed Caleb but one of the great things about a small town is there is room for all kinds of people and he gets to have his family and lifelong friends travel with him on his journey.The sleep thing is to be expected and there are alot of herbal things that work pretty well, too. I like this time of year when we hunker down for the rest of the winter, enjoy your cozy home. Love, Susanna
Lovely post, Sharyn.
Like all your writing it is moving, real, and meaningful. As a single mom with two authentic and genuinely great kids in their early twenties, I say this to you. Take a bow. Your authentic and genuinely great kids (men) are a reflection of the time and energy you invested in them while they were growing up. You didn't fashion them into a certain mold; you loved them unconditionally, helped them even when they floundered, counseled them, guided them, and gave them the courage to be themselves. Again, take a bow, they are wonderful young men.
Likewise, your parents gave you the same help and guidance, which is why you long for it still. You have been through hell. I cannot imagine what you have gone through. It cuts at the soul. But your parents, family and friends have given you the courage and the will to keep on keeping on, and you have done it well, even when it was most painful.
All who follow this blog marvel at the tenacity of Caleb, his family and care givers. This has been a hideously long journey that is still not over. Yet, Caleb is here (how many times over?) making progress, persevering and doing his all to keep on keeping on.
If it means anything to you, Sharyn, 2007 flew by for me. I barely figured out how to write 2007 on a check, and then I had to figure out 2008. Yes, the year flew by while I was just keeping on - working (way too much!), taking care of my home as best I could, keeping in touch with my children, family and friends, and while it seemed way more stressful than it should have been, I really should be ashamed to complain.
So I guess what I am trying to say, is that a year, even an extraordinarily difficult one, is but a few sands traveling through the hour glass of time. I continue to hope and pray for Caleb and his family. May his physical strength continue, as it will aid him in his therapy sessions, and even small successes will encourage him to keep up his amazing work on the road to recovery, whatever the final outcome will be.
My thoughts and prayers continue, and I wish Caleb and the Potter/Lindsay clan well. I hope the sands of time swiftly shift to a better place, always different, but we must persevere and continue to keep on keeping on. Thinking of you all.
A Chatham Mom
What a relief(hmm) that a lot of the world is also up at 2AM for a couple of hours....think(but not too much), read a book, --beware of Benadryl as I reacted in an opposite manner and it was time release!!! I was very awake the whole night....When I am sleepless, I don't get frustrated but just go with it --it is just a blip and we can catch up with those who are no longer physically with us or prepare for the next day--I try not to shoulda, coulda....I just know the cold that envelopes us this time of the year is wrapping you up and protecting you and yours....
I love the "laughing at the appropriate inuendos" part of Cedar's observation. It's the small, subtle things that sometimes are most telling - and having a friend with history, one who gets the inside jokes, is an unparalleled gift.
Your diligence and purpose and good intentions will be rewarded - and in the meantime I second the recommendation of Benadryl before bedtime if the 2 hours of wakefulness becomes too much. It coaxes me gently to sleep on those nights when I can't get there on my own, keeps me just sleepy enough to make it through a whole night without waking and has never left me with the usual morning fog by-product of standard sleeping pills.
Savor the warmth of your home and your family and know that the remembering of your parents is also their answer - their presence in your lives. They can hear you...I just know it.
Big, warm, woodstove, stewpot, bubblebath love from me and mine,
Susan
Awesome words tonight...there is a comfort of "normalcy" in your writing today...Sharyn you really should write a book...you have a gift :) Happy warm thoughts to all of you enjoy the "settled in" feeling and remember "There is always always something to be thankful for" and I think you remind of all us of that everyday...
xoxo
A mom in Annapolis
Sharyn,
Going down this road you’ve never been on gets you to places you have never been to before. I am sure you have asked the question, “Where does the road end?” Hence, you have the sleepless 2am - 4am time. Trust your co-pilots Kai and Max. They will always definitely help you and Caleb on this journey. You know this already. I told you recently what my father always said to me. “You can count your best friends on one hand in life.” You allude to this with Cedar. He is one best friend to Caleb and his words of him speak volumes. Sleep better on Cedar’s words…
Kevin
The three amigos, a triangle, three pigs, three stooges....many good (and fun) things come in threes and it seems like it is the three sides that holds it all together.
Your words are so expressive that I can almost picture the assembly line in the kitchen and laughter of bath time. Family is peace.
So glad to hear the words of a trusted friend that Caleb is improving. Like hiking the Appalachian Trail, the markers in life and reminders of how far you’ve come are what keep you moving forward. Keep these words with you, close to you.
Your story has shown so many transitions, so many triumphs, so much of meeting the challenge head on, so much grace and determination.
Sharyn, be with the time that you are awake from 2-4. If it is… let it be. In that quiet time between night and dawn I sense that what you are seeking in guidance is there for you. I believe the support from your Mom and Dad is there for when you are ready to receive it and I sense you already have. Their time is not ours, their space is not ours but their support is always there. With the miracles that we have witnessed I have little doubt of that. Caleb has a football team of guardian angels. Perhaps you know the co-captains.
Remember also that we are also there. Just as our thoughts were with you on those cool nights in Boston our thoughts are with you in those moments.
Kai, have a good and safe journey returning to Amherst and a good semester. It is nippy there but a bit warmer than here.
I love your words Sharyn. You are such a role model and inspiration to me and many others. Xoxoxo
I love your words Sharyn. You are such a role model and inspiration to me and many others. Xoxoxo
Lovely post, I am so happy to hear about your family gatherings; they sound so warm and comforting. Cedar's observation is a valuable perspective.... sometimes it is easier to see progress from a a few steps away than when it is you are right next to it......a forest for the trees sort of thing.
A couple of days after I had gotten my (cancer-free) diagnosis,while I was doing some mundane chore in the kitchen, I saw my reflection in the window. I looked down my shirt at the scar on my breast and thought OK I can live with this. I turned around and as I bent to grab a dish out of the dishwasher, all of a sudden, out of the blue I yelled "Mom, I'm alright!" and promptly burst into tears. My Mom has been gone for 15 years, and though I miss her all of the time , I have felt her loss most keenly these past few months. There were a few moments of intense sobbing, when I came to my senses and said in my head you dope, she knows you're alright, she and Nanny and Grampa are high fiving and dancing for joy, then I really came to my senses and saw them sitting with the rosary beads and novena book, Nanny's recourse for any and all situations. Your parents are with you every minute, never doubt it. Your strength is their strength is your son's strength and on down the line.
Give yourself those 2 hours to meditate, do some mindful breathing and embrace them for what maybe they are....a gift of some quiet time in the midst of a busy life.
A little cup-o-something might not be inappropriate either...(of course I mean sleepytime tea...)
As always with hope,
peg from PA
Sharyn,
Such beautiful images from you in this post and such thoughtful, beautifully articulated responses...wow, what a way to wake up this morning! Be well; your family is with you from all generations and we're here too. Sleep is elusive for so many of us. I'm not particularly good at embracing those hours when I am exhausted but awake, but certainly it is good advice. Hope you're still with your dreams at this moment and that the dawning day will find you well rested.
Mom from CT
i too wake every night
around 2:00, usually hotter than hell, my inner furnace turns on about that time. must be something with mothers.... that must be the witching hour that we can wake and think of things left undone and loved ones we must care for.
at least that is what i think.
i can close my eyes and picture your lovely family in your warm home, working together like a well oiled machine, keeping daily life moving and keeping caleb on track.
prayers and good thoughts to you all.
amy in ct
An amazing entry Sharyn. I call on my angels and ancestors to join in the healing circle.
Lesa
Dear Blog-circle....and Von-Potter-Lindsays......
I received THIS, this morning....and it seemed to speak to what we believe and DO and ARE....I know at least ONE..("multi-located digital fire-circle community").."where"...that this describes....thank you to all of you...and to YOU, Sharyn/Caleb/Kai/Max/Cedar/Jan....for "letting us in" so often....light!ly....ch/dad
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"Somewhere, there are people to whom we can speak with passion without having the words catch in our throats. Somewhere a circle of hands will open to receive us, eyes will light up as we enter, voices will celebrate with us whenever we come into our power. Community means the strength to do the work that needs to be done. Arms to hold us when we falter. A circle of healings. A circle of friends. Someplace where we can be free." --- Starhawk
***********************************
amen!!....and Blessed Be!!!
A stunning and beautiful family you have built, Sharyn. Mine, at the moment in tatters and have no where to go with it, I take comfort in the fact you are surrounded by love and are seeing Caleb improve and progress.
Ali Manchester Uk
Sharyn, that time in the wee hours that you awaken and think of your parents, it IS the best time for connecting. As I've told you, my daughter died just over a year ago, and I KNOW with all my heart that she is guiding me, along with my other guides, in accepting what is and what will be. They are always with us, always sharing our lives and continuing to love us and to guide us. I believe your incredible strength comes from you, but also from those connected to you in the present as well as the past. I hope you can embrace the sleepless time as a time to connect and reflect and receive the energy....Thank you as always for sharing and giving us all an opportunity to reflect, embrace and renew our faith and hope. Sending hugs,
Ciao Bella-
Your post, beautiful and full of grace reminds me of a song Greg wrote long ago-
Four In The Morning
Four in the morning wide awake,
Waiting as another world takes it's turn,
and mine the only light I see
from my window view
at this hour when dream
seems so true.
Four in the morning wide awake
staring at the shadows on my crowded floor.
A man in a sleepless night
sorting out his days.
Looking there for signs of something more.
Take me higher, take me higher
these quiet hours cry
and remind me of promises made.
Take me higher, take me higher
than this endless stream of days
conspiring to be my passageway.
Some days there is magic in my mind
and a warm fire dancing in my lover's eyes.
And some days I'm blind
to the world beyond my door.
And the circles seem to say there's nothing more.
Take me higher, take me higher
these quiet hours cry
and remind me of promises made.
Take me higher, take me higher
than this endless stream of days
conspiring to be my passageway.
Peace to you tonight- and a good night's sleep-
Audrey
What a beautiful and moving post. I agree with the others- I have such a lovely image of you and your young men in the kitchen. This time of year I love to just settle in home out of the cold and play with my kids. Tonight I am drawing kitty whiskers on my three year old and organizing pokemon cards with my six year old- who knows what tomorrow will bring!
I think 2am is a common awake time-you have slept enough to take the edge off your exhaustion to leave you ready to dwell and wonder and worry. That's what happens to me anyway. I hope the gods/goddesses of good sleep shine on your soon!
Laura in CT
Gorgeous Sharyn, you paint such a vivid picture, one almost familiar in some distant way.. your words are delicious.
Glad to hear you are keepin warm & cozy.. always remember loved ones that have passed are now angels lookin out, good to hear you are calling out to your parents, as they will only provide well.
Loving you always.. xo. Clance/Kate
Sharyn, My time is oddly enough 3:34....give or take a few seconds! So, know you are not alone in your morning wakefulness! Good Luck and know that your family is continued to be thought of and prayed for! Good luck with that cold weather! BRRRRRR!
Dear Sharyn, et al - I am once again in awe of your wonderful way of putting a word picture for all of us on this blog. I am not poetic as many here, but wanted to let you know that you are all still in my prayers. You are blessed every day by God even in the smallest way. Judith/ Rochester, NY
Sharyn,
I miss you and love you! I can't wait to see you again. I hope you're indulging in long hot baths and big glasses of red wine. Mike and I think of you often and miss your big laugh and enthusiasm for life. All my love, Katie
ch/dad beautiful post, I will copy and share it with many.
Sharyn, I too am awake at 2am almost every morning. My eyes open and I don't even have to look at the clock. My husband snoring next to me, and the cat snuggled in warm between my knees...glad they can sleep, they have no worries.
My mind is always racing, I think of nothing but doom and gloom, but once I fall back to sleep, and wake up the next morning, nothing is as bad as it seemed at 2am.
J
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