It's a three dog night and I am numb form the snow, the cold and the chill of hospital life. Caleb continues to progress and we are encouraged, his strength is awe inspiring and his determination is dense. I still ride the veritable roller coaster ride of ups and downs, of laughter and tears, of stength and weakness, but it is when Kai and/or Max arrive that I find my heart shatters like ice. I have lived through the death of both parents, a good friend in high school, my grandparents and a divoce so I have learned to trust that time does heal and life does go on, but they have no reference for this and I can see the distraction in their eyes and the pain in their souls. It is difficult to suggest to them that they need to let go of the pain and accept when these words are hollow to me and so hard to digest that I vomit them up.
I was asked today to comment on what positive things I could say to those who are following Caleb's story but it is not in words, but in gesture that I find hope. As I lie beside him tonight rubbing his hand till I think his skin has disolved, he feigns sleep and when I begin to move away he tilts his chin ever so slightly and blows a kiss into the dark.
So many of you will be enjoying the company of those you love this Christmas and we wish to remind all of you to enjoy eachother and to take time for one another and to tilt your head ever so slightly.....
Home is where the story begins.
Merry Christmas
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hi sharyn,
as i ly in bed studying for my finals, all i can think about is my caleb. i miss him so dearly and i am so mad at my body for being sick and not getting better yet. I cant wait to come see him, and i think about it all day long. i refresh this blog page like every 3o mins, eventhough i know what is going, I still can not wait for new updates. And here I am, when I saw your new post, i got the biggest smile on my face. Your description of Caleb sleeping brings tears to my eyes. I miss waking up to his beautiful face, and then waiting for his big blue eyes to open, and catch me starring at him while he slept. BE strong sharyn. Caleb is going to get better and better everyday.
Give him a big hug and kiss for me...Muah Muah
-love jennie
Hi Dear One....I'm not sure there is much more I can say to assure you that Kai and Max are going to be fine, but they wiil be. Unfortunately for us mortals, life is experiential, and generally, the lecture method has not served us well, so it is only by lifes lessons that we learn. Your boys are strong, and resiliant. They are sensitive,responsive, and what they have endured through this expereince will only serve them well in life. It will make them more tolerant and patient friends, lovers, husbands....human beings.
Dear Sharyn, do not fret, your dear young men are doing exactly what they are suppose to do, and they are processing it all as they need to. They are indeed very beautiful souls, who share the best of you and Jan...you should be proud. You have a beautiful unique family...Kai and Max are developing their points of reference even as we speak. It is normal for them to grieve the brother that was, but I am sure they are welcoming the brother that is, and that which will emerge, that's what's improtant.
Welcome the strength we send to you, and embrace it with open arms. We send it with tenderness and loving kindness to help endure these days, minutes, hours of uncertainty. Rest assured that progress IS being made, and that your Caleb is well on his healing journey...which can be unpredictable at times....two steps forward, three steps back, but all in all...PROGRESS. For that be grateful, and focus on that which produces positive images of what's to be. Manifest it into being...not just a dream, but reality. See your boy as the strong, vibrant energetic soul that he is...as in the past, the road will rise to meet you.
We are with you, Caleb, Kai, Max, Jan this night. Sleep peacefully...
Blessings,
Buenas Noches....
Melinda
Sharyn,
you ever check that stats program over on the sidebar? it's got a cool feature that allows you to see where all your visitors are coming from.
i'd be the green dot out of Panama. i don't know. i run all the way to Central America to forget, and i still can't help checking the Caleb report.
now i'm no where near as obsessive as Jennie refreshing the page every 30 minutes, but Caleb's always on my mind. you all are.
you've got almost 1000 unique visitors a day from all over the world. that's real impressive. but i gotta ask, why hasn't Sky hooked you guys up with some adsense or banner ads? now's not the time to be giving all this good writing away free.
and what about more Spud updates? i can't get enough of those. it's getting cold, is he still under the porch? yeah, i make jokes, and pretend it's not real. because sometimes reality is too painful to contemplate.
you know, you need to get out of that cold. think the Ticos can set up a rehab program down in Mal Pais this winter?
hasta pronto
SMMMMMOOOOOOOOOCH!
Sharyn and Caleb,
Thank you....I will give my sweet Greg an extra kiss before I leave for work this morning....I have been so distracted by my own stuff, and I believe I have been neglecting him. I will send one out to you as well....
You are all still processing all of the events of these past few months, and there is just so much pain and confusion and fear that a mind can hold. It is so hard to be strong all of the time. Let Caleb show you the way, with his truly awesome strength and the tilt of his chin and the power of a kiss....Your boys will come through this and grow into stronger
and more compassionate men. You have raised them well, and they will find their way.
I wish I could be a big cushy comforter and enfold all of you in a warm embrace.....I am doing just that in my heart this morning.
I wish you peace and boundless love.
As always, with hope,
peg from PA
i love you all, and your words sharyn. we are heading to mexico, and when things get better, you too need to stay in our house there...that is the incentive to get him better and get down there and sip on some tequilla! (really, take the house!) peace to you all. love you tons. lisa
I'm tilting and kissing you now...
I'm crying and loving you big.
S
Sharyn, it doesn't matter where you are because you already have what's important for the holiday or any day, for that matter. You have your family and friends who have shown you in words and actions just how much they care. It is the most beautiful gift anyone could ever have. Many of us are without family, without that complete support, without offers of help, hope, places to stay, food to eat, work taken care of, etc...you just breathe deeply, be at peace with your surroundings, look into the eyes of your your sons, their father, their aunt, and let go of fear for the journey you're on with all of them. Keep writing - it's cathartic, healing, and keeps your creative juices flowing. You may not be able to create and tend gardens right now, but you sure are planting seeds and seeing them blossom in your words.
I know what it's like to spend long days, weeks in a hospital room with a son, to go home each time only to discover a return trip is necessary. I do not make light of what you're going through. I only empathize, on a deep level, and wish some peaceful moments for you every day.
Still holding you in our hearts in Provincetown.
Hi Sharyn. There are no words that we can say to take away the fear and the pain that you and Jan and the boys have been going through, along with all of good friends that follow the blog and sense your mood and how you are feeling. All we can offer you are prayers and hope and words of light when the night becomes so dark that you cannot see. This is a drawn out process by which you all lose hair by hair, enduring the stress and awaiting the end. Don't get sad, it will all subside as long as you dig into your inner self and find endurance. You are strong and smart and you will find all that you need within. As much as you crumble inside, know that your boys are strong and wil make their way and in time will find truth in words of hope. Be strong, stay strong, you will all find the way. Never give up or lose hope. You will make it through.
Sharyn,
I am so hoping you start a book soon when the time is right, and that day will come soon enough! Many people besides myself here are moved by your ability to use your words to paint a picture...I only hope laying your heart out here gives you an inner peace of mind... I worry for everyone in your family and just know this will make you all stronger for it. It will!
Kevin
Sharyn, you are a strong and beautiful woman! So many people have been through things similar to this, but many of them lost their children also. The blessing that caleb will hold on come hell or high water is the strength I take with me this Christmas season. And Kai and max are strong too. Feel more strngth when you see them, as their love for Caleb is one of the lads driving forces as well. I miss those caleb kisses and look forward to a big one to kick off 2008! Christmas is best spent with the love of family, and your's will be together, alive and recovering with lightning speeed!
Kisses & Blessings~ xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
sharyn
you move me to tears, your words cut into me so deeply.
i will hold my loved ones close, thank you for helping my heart to open up.
we all love you and your family so very much and hope only the best for you all.
prayers to you and caleb and your whole tribe!
keep strong, get sleep, have a glass of wine and breathe deep... the love we all have for you will lift you up.
amy in ct
Sharyn-
I am sending my best christmas wish for you and your family to have peace and HEALTH and happiness in 2008. It WILL be a better year- I am sure of it- filled with all the laughter and joy it sounds like you have always known.
Laura in CT
Sharyn, Your words and story have moved me to tears again. You have shown so much strength and were able to get your son back home and beginning to get some more normalicy into you life to have it once again pulled out from under you at such a tough time of year. Please know that we are praying for your son(s) and your family. I just wish there was something more I could do.....I guess I'll hug a little longer and harder (my kids have resigned themselves to this - you know it can be at times with teenagers......). Merry Christmas. May Santa bring you a special package of extra faith, hope, joy and strength.
As I was driving this morning on the far end of the Mass Pike that you see from MGH and the freezing rain was pelting at the windshield. The list of things that I had not done for Christmas and that mind fogging fear of what did I forget was swirling in my mind as fiercely as the snow.
Then I caught myself, turned off the news and began to meditate. I remembered that today is the shortest day of the year and that means starting tomorrow, summer is on its way. I also remembered that I had kissed all the loved ones good bye this morning and they had kissed me, I had kneaded the bread starter that I am working on for baking Christmas gifts, I had a seat full of small tokens on the seat next to me for all the wonderful people I work with and that next week is vacation at home with the family. Sitting now at the screen on a hectic morning, several deep breaths reminds me of the people I want to send mental messages of peace and good health and cheer and I slowly go down the list.
We can get so wrapped up in the big stuff that we miss the blessings that are small and plentiful.
Sharyn, your posts capture many of those small things that we should be always catching. As we try to send words of peace to you and for Caleb and for your family, you send us this wonderful gift of sharing, of appreciating what many take for granted, you teach! I thank you.
On this shortest day of the year, I send you a message of hope that as the days become longer and sunlight stronger this is the cycle and strength of hope.
Sharyn, this is a particularly poignant thread... your words and those of everyone else who has chimed in are truly touching. I think we are all experiencing a shared melancholy with you, but at the same time knowing that hope remains intact and that time and events just need to play out. Jeff's observation that today is the shortest day of the year... it hadn't occurred to me until I read his words. There is a turning point. Things will turn back around (again) for Caleb, you know that it's just a matter of time until you will all be back home together. Easy to say, I know... hell to live through the seemingly endless waiting.
As I write these words, I am looking out my window at snow covered woods. It's a cold, gray winter day and the scene just struck me as sort of symbolic... There's an old swingset that I built when my kids were little, long fallen into disuse, a relic of their former lives, a reminder of what was but will never be again; there's the utter silence of the woods, the trees weighed down by snow, bearing their burden in witness to the solstice; and there's our boat, laid up for the winter, immobile, awaiting the inevitable melt, the promise of spring, and our return to Wellfleet.
I just snapped a photo. The blog will not allow me to insert a link to it, but if you copy/paste the following string into your browser, I'll be able to share this scene with you:
http://s160.photobucket.com/albums/t191/ajerrold/Dec-21-2007.jpg
Winter is here... and now Spring is just around the corner. Life will begin anew. As someone once wrote, it's always darkest right before the dawn.
Much love -
Jerry G
Three days until Christmas
and all through the Fleet
Not a bird was a singing
Not even a tweet.
And why aren't they singing?
I'll tell you with dread,
Our favorite Pirate
He fell on his head.
But still the trees glisten with snow
And smiles still burst from the faces we know.
Because sooner than later you all will be here
And then Christmas will be everyday
YOU HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR.
I remember when I was 14 and we found out that my sweet little mom had cancer. She had to go to a hospital in Puerto Rico, and I was shuffled around between houses of friends, or sometimes people came to stay with me at our house. But I didn't like being there with out her at all. It felt so wrong and empty, and that is when it would really hit me that she was sick. I'd go to visit her every weekend in the hospital and I remember hating the smell of it and feeling so helpless that she was there and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. I couldn't just hold her hand and make her feel better. It sucked. I would pray every night for her to be healthy and be able to come home soon. And eventually she did, and slowly life became "normal" again, but it was a slightly different normal. We were both changed forever by the entire experience. Now YOU have reminded me to be so thankful that things worked out as they did, and I am so very blessed to have my mom still with me today. I really miss her this christmas. I know she misses me.
Enjoy eachother, hospital room or not. You are all together and you all have so much love.
I miss you all and wish you happy holidays and i will keep sending happy thoughts....amystj
What is it that makes the seed push up through the ground?
Whatever it is, the Potter/Lindsays are made of it.
Summer is coming (thank you, Jeff in the Berkshires).
Hang in there, Sharyn.
I am so sorry this is happening to you right now. I have been at the bedside of freinds and relatives who were ill and while it isn't at all appropriate to cry or carry on at their bedside because would be upsetting and worry them I think it is entirely appropriate to rant and rave and carry on out of ear shot of your loved one. While I believe that the force of the universe has it's own plan I don't see any problem with disagreeing and voiceing that disagreement.Positive thinking is a very good thing but emphatic NO's have their place too in the order of things.Jeff in the Birkshires may have the right idea to focus on the change of seasons, this year, not so much a season of celibration.
Sharyn,
I cannot improve upon what has already been said today (this is one of the most moving blog threads, ever) and so I will only say : may peace and joy fill your heart this holiday season. Gail
Sharyn, I have the strangest image of the Grinch (which, conveniently, I watch 3-4 times a day with my girlies lately), when his heart breaks through its boundaries because it has exploded from a surge of love. Perhaps your heart, when it "shatters like ice," has just found an even deeper source of love for those three who already live in your bones. If anyone is capable of loving beyond love, it's you. The Grinch found his way to where he was supposed to be -- all your men will as well. Wishing you peace, Lisa K.
Dearest Sharyn,
Silent Night
Silent night, Holy night,
All is calm, all is bright,
Round yon virgin, Mother and Child,
Holy infant so tender and mild,
Sleep in heavenly peace, Sleep in heavenly peace...
Peace to you all tonight-
Audrey
P.S. Since it's the shortest day of the year, it is also my favorite day of the year, it's all brighter from here on in.
My dearest Sharyn,
As I read over all the posts tonight, I embraced all the lovely words and feelings from people around the world who have made your problems, their problems and hopefully has lightened your burden, even if ever so slightly. That's what we are all attempting to do and many of these loving people have poured their hearts and souls into their words to you.
Every last one of us, especially if we are "more mature", have endured significant pain/failures/disappointments and deaths of loved ones taken from us too soon. It didn't take long after graduation to start losing them. Liz, Dave R., Tom W., Ed P. and many others, then parents, aunts and uncles, leaving us with a legacy of memories and with each loss we became stronger and more grateful for our brief time on this earth. Then came personal setbacks-a part of the human condition. We just became stronger and stronger, realizing we can endure the trials and that the sun always comes out brighter than ever. Your son will shine again and the sun will shine again, brighter than ever and, dear Sharyn, you will have a strength you never thought possible. Kai and Max are learning these lessons at an early age and as painful as these lessons are, they will carry these young men through their lives, teaching them about endurance, patience and long suffering. How fortunate they are to have you for a Mother and Caleb for a brother!
Sharyn, please know you are loved by people who have never seen your lovely face in person and by friends who haven't seen you in years. If we could all just make this disappear or turn back the hands of time, we would. All we can do, in our tiny human condition, is feel your pain and carry your burden. We all hope your burden lifts soon! Have a very blessed Christmas, no matter where you are. You are loved!!
Sue from Ohio
Dear Sharyn, Caleb, Jan, Max & Kai,
It's almost the solstice, the shortest day and then - the light returns. Things will brighten, lighten and you'll be home. You've shown us it doesn't matter where you are as long as love is there. Joy, health, peace and love to you all, wherever you may be. Thanks for bringing us all together Sharyn.
Keeping you in my heart,
Elaine
Sending love to all. See the light surround you- let the light hold you while you rest. Let the cloth that is this community keep you warm tonight. love ann m
Sharyn,
Your words bring tears to my eyes every time I come off this blog, inspirational and beautifully written. My thoughts are with Kai, max caleb and you, stay strong.
Sharyn:
You have a unique ability to distill personal emotions and experiences into precious diamonds of universal insight and wisdom.
I hope you and your Caleb will sleep peacefully tonight.
NY/Wellfleet Mom
From Lisa and Bob in Pa.......We wish you all peace through this holiday season, We pray that you all are healthy and happy. Caleb will be better soon......Jennie also will be better soon. We love you all like family even if we have never met. Merry Christmas and a blessed new year
peace and love always
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