We are well equipped with crackers (not the edibles) and hats for the New Year and spirits which look forward to change. Today is the day we will find out how much longer we need to embrace hospital life and Caleb seems up to whatever has to happen. He has had time to relax and eat plentifully; has gained some weight along with perspective. He has never wavered from just being pleasant and positive whereas I am finding life up here to be suited only for the criminally insane. Where he constantly holds his head up, I drop mine feeling old and obsolete like an extinct breed of animal. His strength is constant. His focus is on healing and I feel often times I am concentrating on the pain and helplessness and physical humiliation which he has had to endure. I am fearful of the future and worried that the memories of Caleb will escape to the underground. Feels like forcing the hands of time backwards like dammed water at the same time that I am loosing the grip on the slingshot releasing us into the unknown. I will wish for a changed outlook for the coming year.
Kai and Max have had a break which I practically begged for- they addressed the dusty house and the musty animals and are ready to join me either today or tomorrow depending on our verdict and Carol and Ray came by for the Christmas we missed so we have not been alone.
I crawled into bed last night feeling sorry for myself, for the boys and for all that has transpired. I do know that we will survive this and we will be better for it- but sometimes the thick of it is engulfing and I am consumed by smoke and cannot breathe. Yet.......
This encounter with all of you has evoked our souls and I keep hearing the pleading in your words rolling over and over again in my brain like a soft whisper in the winds . "I love you more than even one more day".
Love mumsie - and a Happy New Year to come for all of us!
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49 comments:
miss sharyn,
you are a woman to be admired. you and the potter clan have really extended your souls to everyone and i truly believe that it has made us all better people for it. from our family to yours, we wish you all a peaceful and happy new year!
Hey crazy lady,
Happy new year clan. Pick that damn head up and celebrate. You have things to be happy about, just focus on them.
again Happy New Year
miss you guys
much love
judith
wishing everyone, especially Sharyn and the crew, a HAPPY HAPPY NEW YEAR. may we all love a little deeper, laugh a little more, and recognize the beauty in things that we pass by...wow! 2008 here we come!!! :)
sending lots of love and happiness your way,
ariana
The new year is a time for beginnings. I feel in myself that this will be Caleb and his families year of recovery. Sharyn you have been so positive throughout this journey and it is ok to feel down. You always bounce back with the spirit that we have all come to love. Put on your Chanel red lipstick and have a glass of champagne. As the end of this year comes know that we will be toasting you and your family.
Have a happy new year and wish Caleb one to.
One of your many Admirers and checker of your Blog many times a day. :)
Dear Sharyn,
We missed you sweet girl, your laugh, your smile, no awesome 4 dimensional gift to pass around the table, it wasn't the same without you. We tried our best to party on, knowing that you would want us to carry on the tradition. So we toasted to our absent girls and are planning to make sure that we are all together again soon.
Happy New Year! to all of you.
I wrote this poem in April 96 when I started to feel better after the kidney disease. It seems appropriate for a girl I know that likes to play in the dirt.
Hang in there girl, there is light at the end of the tunnel and a good life ahead. See you when you get out. xo Carrie
The First Day of Spring
A beautiful bright day
the blinding brightness,
the gentle warmth of the sun,
the yielding earth
with crocuses
exploding with color and life.
Opening up the possibilities
of new and better tomorrows.
New beginnings,
What more can we ask for?
A second chance to begin again
To grow and develop
in ways never thought possible.
Good morning…..As a good 6 inches of the white stuff has blanketed us out here, it is quiet and peaceful. A little different I expect from the hallways of MGH.
There is a white clean blanket here a clean slate so to speak for the new year.
From your post this morning “yin and yang” came to mind. Nothing is black and white it is in a constant state of change. Soulfully I hear Caleb gaining a strength of a different depth. Not necessarily accepting what is happening but accepting the challenge quietly and resolutely. While some memories of Caleb may slip underground, and I expect you would like some of the past six months to be with them, Caleb doesn’t sound like someone who will be passive and not creating new memories that are bright and strong. I sense his inner strength is continuing to emerge. As you are tiring, he his readily to take up the battle again. You are a marvelous balance in each other.
You will continue to hear the pleadings from out here. Not pleadings of despair but pleadings of hope and of sharing strength to a friend in a marathon.
Tonight we lift our glasses to you all. Not half glasses, but full glasses of hope and faith in the human spirit and of determination and of kindness. The great spirit is swirling like the new snow storm coming on us tomorrow. Change is in the wind, change is always in the wind. May we see the good change even when it is buried in the blizzard of what seems bleak. The sun is shining bright today…..it too is just looking at the snow from the other side of the clouds.
Happy New Year all…………..
In re-reading some of the comments on past posts it occurs to me that we - out here in the ether of cyberspace - may be, certainly without meaning to, adding another layer of pressure and expectation to your already burgeoning load. I hope that you know that we mean only to offer solace and to lighten your load whenever possible - that, just because we see the constant fierce mother-love that carries you through nights like last night doesn't blind us to the fragile, uncertain and frightened parts of you, too. We barge in with encouragement and heart-felt assurances, meaning to buoy you along - while what we actually offer may be the bar raised to an unattainable height. Your humanity, your frailty and uncertainty are as valid and valuable parts of you as your unwavering devotion to your family, and they have their place.
My initial intention this morning was to type reassurances that all will be okay, that the path isn't a straight one, that one step forward two steps back is to be expected.
To wish you continued hope in the New Year - "Woot, Woot, You go Girl!" Upon reflection, though, what I want to say is "God, this just SUCKS!" and I'd worry if you weren't overwhelmed and anxious and pissed off sometimes. This all may be just TOO presumptuous of me - to presume to know what's in your heart, when really our connection is tenuous and "virtual" and too fresh for personal insight - That said, I'm going to barge ahead and presume just a little bit more...
Knowing the very little about you that I do I am willing to wager that you will make the best of whatever half-full half-empty glass is hurled your way next - while having a pretty clear vision of exactly which it is. I'm also pretty sure that Caleb - and Kai and Max - know just how much you love them and, armed with that, are ready to deal with whatever the new year brings.
Thank you for inviting us along for the (most intimate and heart-wrenching) ride. Please know we're all in your corner...no expectations, just big love.
I've never been one for resolutions, but I'll second your wish for a changed outlook and add my own wish for healing and continued grace.
Susan
Sharyn -- hope the news on Caleb is good today -- keep your head up -- feel better that so many out here are sending positive thoughts -- best wishes to you all for this new year
Hi Sharyn,
We all have our days when life's challenges "get to us". You have had your share these past 6 months. You are so strong and having a bad day doesn't mean you are weak. It means you are human and entitled to feel everything that has dammed up inside you over the past half year. The end of the year always depresses me a bit, too. Another year of my life gone, just when I was getting used to writing 2007 on my checks and now I have to start writing 2008. What the heck? You mean I'm not 20 anymore? It sure feels like it sometimes except I'm much smarter now. I guess life does that to you.
I am SURE 2008 will be better to you. I hope you get the positive verdict today that you so wish for.
Have a Happy New Year, Sharyn. I love you.
Sue
Dear Sharyn,
Know that we are all holding you in our arms as much as we hold Caleb. Part of your healing will come from allowing each of us to do this for you.
May you be blessed with healing for yourself and for Caleb in this new year. Sometimes it will come in little steps; other times in cartwheels. Take each one as it comes and we will all be praying for more and more cartwheels.
Love to you!
Wow,
Susan from Portsmouth put so eloquently what many of us think,but can't express...we are only human, and frailties, insecurities and doubts are part of that package...as well as hope, love and forgiveness...Peace,love and serenity for 2008
Ah, Sharyn, Your loving spirit shines through the sadness of your words. I won't say any cheery keep-your-chin-ups this morning because I know that there are times when that is well nigh impossible to do. It's OK to feel hurt and sad and angry and frightened, you have every reason to feel those things. It is all of a piece with this whole experience, along with the joy you will feel again, the smile that will lift your soul, and the hope that is ever in your heart.
Let Caleb lead you, he is finding his way and will help you find yours as well.
I wish for you a new year filled with much healing, an easing of grief, and a lighter heart....
We ARE with you, and love all of you far more than one more day.
As always, with hope,
peg from PA
Dear Sharyn, Today I awoke feeling concern, sadness and helpless over a family member who battles severe depression. This has gone on for years and it circles back to the forefront from time to time. Although I feel as if I could have helped more, done other things as a parent, gotten better help, etc., in the end I know I must begin again with forgiving myself, sending love , doing what I can etc., this is out of my control- I can not fix it or wish it better. I take another breath and start a new day. I too have battled depression- and chronic pain. Finally I knew for me this was a way of not embracing all I want to be, to believe in myself as a creative force, to leave a space for hope. And so I extend out my forgiveness, send out the love, healing energy to us all- for there are so many people who have losses, suffer with physical and emotional issues. In the end of course a wonderful thing happens... as I imagine the comforter of our love giving you some warmth- I too am warmed...and hope finds it way back into my life. nothing new I know ...love, ann
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
Caleb and i talked on the phone last night for 30 mintues and it was pure heaven. I sang him our song a couple times and he just kept giggling, which brough instant tears to my eyes ( happy tears). We then blew kisses back and forth and that made him giggle even more. CAleb sounds so good on the phone and I can not wait to see him soon. He is being so strong and our old Caleb is definitly still in there. I am going to blow him a big kiss at midnight... MUAh!!
-love your jennie girl
Don't let this take the fight outta you girlfriend...this weight is overwhelming yes! but superficial in the sense of temporary...and eventually you'll find the grip to throw that crap off of you. we can all help to move that massive feeling away and your brightness will shine out once more. that is your inner core sharyn and that light has a gravity of its own-attracting the positive -keep that head up love.
tracy
Sharyn:
Happy New Year!!! Tomorrow is day one of a new chapter for Caleb and while the road made twist and turn and seem like it is an up hill battle from here-remember he has already won the most important battle, each hurdle is a step in the healing process...at times it is hard to find the good in whats happening but, Caleb is strong and all of us who are sharing in this journey be it near, afar, as strangers who now feel like we know you have been forever changed for the better...not to many people in this lifetime can say that they have been able to provoke such a change in people...thank you again for sharing your difficult journey with all of us and for giving me "just a little" bit more perspective and realizing that we need to live each day to the fullest...as my aunt's card said: "life is not measured in the amount of breathes we take but in the moments that take our breath away!" author unknown. So on this New Year's Eve 2007...I wish for you a smooth 2008 filled with many happy moments that take your breath away and the ability to breath them in deeply, passionatley and completely.
Lisa from Annapolis
Sharyn & The Potter Crew~
As the ball drops at the stroke of 12 may all of your sorrow, pain and worry drop along with it! Don't ever under estimate how much we all love and admire you and Caleb for your journey down the road of recovery. Make sure you all eat lots of Black Eyed Peas & Greens for luck and good fortune!
The New Year is packed full of hope, new beginnings and love for you and yours.
Happy New Year~
Capt.Noah, Christa & Jack
Cape Fear Pirates...Arrrgggg!
Happy New year one and all. Thoughts and prayers are with you today and always
Susan from Portsmouth, thank you for saying what many of us feel out here in cyberspace. Caleb is on his own journey and it will be what it will be. Damn it to hell that we can't control what happens. And to Anne who suffers from depression along with a dear family member, I send you a deep cyber hug and a reminder that this too shall pass and better days are ahead. Try the ABC's of things to be grateful for. It sounds silly but it can work. Just start with the letter A - for me, it's getting an A in macroeconomics, And then B, for my big comfie Bed and so on. Happy New Year one and all!
Lesa
Lesa
Oh Sharyn- I imagine that is the hardest part- it would be for me- to remain positive and strong, even in the face of such crap! Last winter our youngest Saxton was in the hospital for 3 nights with a never ending stomach flu that and we truly were in danger of losing him. (2 years old) I was a wreck, Sharyn, and that was only one month of my life! I found it so difficult to stay strong and keep my chin up when I felt immense weight pushing me back down.
To me, you are absolutely amazing in your strength and resiliance- you have been doing this for half of a year now, it's okay to let yourself feel a little down- as long as you always lift yourself out of it after a bit.
I love you Sharyn- always, and I love your boys- you are in my heart and prayers this new years.
You are beautiful.
Love India
Dear Sharyn,
What you are experiencing is nothing short of battle fatigue. My God,Sharyn,you have seen and felt so much these past few months it is truely a wonder that you can still think let alone function. My eyes are a bit watery as I try to imagine what this journey has been like for you and the boys and Jan. And you know what? I can't imagine what it must have been like or what it is like-- wondering and not knowing what the future brings to Caleb and to all of you. The unkown is very scarey. This is probably the hardest thing you will every have to do yet always,it seems,the strength finds a way to cope and it is you who musters up the strength not just for your own self but for the boys as well. Be tired--let your body do what it must do--feel sorry for yourself,get pissed,have a few glasses of wine,cry--whatever it takes to release the emotions of months gone by. It won't all go away but some of it will fade into the background.
Happy New Year--better things to come.
I send lots of love and great big hugs. Penny on St.John
Happy New Year to everyone out there. I have learned that things dont change just because the year does. Its just a number and doesnt hold all the dreams that we may hope for. However, this year we have all been drawn together by Caleb, and you Sharyn, and tonight I will raise my glass, hope and pray that the news from the test is good and be thankful for being a part of this big bundle of cyber love.
Ali Manchester UK
Sharyn and Potter Family...
Wishing you a Happy New Year and thoughts for a positive journey to getting Caleb on an ascending trek on his daily recovery. We think of you, Jon and the boys daily. This Will be A better Happy New Year.. It has to be!
Happy New Years to you all
Melissa...Evan... Roberta
Who knows what 2008 holds...I know just one thing - just this- Whatever it brings will be shared, and thru the sharing the good will be made better and the bad, the bad will be made bearable. Prayers for continued healing go out to Caleb and all who love him. I plan on a big gulp of piratey rum to toast the New Year. To All - A Happy, Healthy New Year!
For anyone who has been thrown into the "hospital side of life" and then to be teased with the taste of home only to be shuffled along back into that world that seems so far away from this one is gut wrenching. I want you to always remember its just land and water that is separating you guys from us and many of us feel hope you feel us standing beside you holding your head up for you when you feel too weak to hold it up yourself and kisses on your forehead at night when the moon beckons you or possibly when you surrender your mind for awhile to a few dreams, we hold out our arms at night so you may feel a little more warmth than if you were truly alone. I know it seems endlessly draining but remember we will never let you forget who Caleb is, who he was, who he will be. The hospital is a bitterly, cold, and empty as well as unnervingly hectic unlike the quiet of the woods or the woosh of the waves, the beeping and chattering constanstly chizzeling away at your inner strength. You are bound to feel tired. Remember with a new year always comes new HOPE!!!!! So I hope when you dream may your soul be cuddled and mended so as to wake up slightly more refreshed knowing that we do the worrying too, so hopefully it's just a little easier to breath. I know he will continue to get stronger even when it seems he is not and even when you think you might be getting weaker you are really getting stronger too. Waiting is not easy especially when you are a do it yourself and now kind of person. We will all be thinking of you this New Years!!!! Happy New Years to the tribe and all of the Lindsay/Potter Clan. And when your really feeling low remember most importantly is that you are a beautiful woman with three wonderful boys and a community that loves you to the ends of the universe and beyond. Lip gloss kisses and lots of hugs filled with hope,
love Rachael
Rachael has put it very well. You have always been a very goal oriented and results oriented person (as all the beautiful gardens you have created around town attest) but now I think you must learn to be more process oriented. You are involved in a process where the results are unknown. You are also caretaking, a job which has brought down the strongest among us. I believe you must find your own satisfaction with being a caretaker and someone who is part of the process. Let the results and goals go for now.
Happy New Year everyone! Love, Susanna
Sharyn,
Happy New Year!
My champagne toast at midnight will be for you and Caleb!
2008 will be better!
Count on that!
Here are my 2008 New Year’s Resolutions.
I will not give you a hard time anymore.
I will send you a year’s supply of doggie treats.
I will only sell green M&M’s at the Liquor Store.
I will not make fun of your overweight problem anymore.
I will buy you a new brunette wig to replace your old one.
I will buy you longer skirts and looser tops.
I will not leave crazy comments on the blog anymore.
I will have Johnny Depp and Brad Pitt come to your house this summer.
You will receive a 50% discount in 2008 on all your purchases at the Liquor Store.
All 2008 New Year’s Resolutions will be thrown out the window!
See you at midnight!
Kevin
Sharyn - you are such an inspiration to us all - please do not keep doubting yourself or your feelings. Let yourself feel all of this - whatever it may be. You have got to be completely emotionally and physically exhausted. Just know that you are doing a fantastic job - and you WILL get through this you can do it and will do it. God bless and Happy NEW Year.
Mom in CT
I pray that 2008 will give you some of the answers to the questions, "Why Caleb", "Why Us", "Why Wellfleet", "Why????"...I believe to my sole that things do happen for a reason how trit that may sound at this time. As an outsider looking in on the big picture....Caleb has made HUGE progress considering the extent of his initial injuries.....You are OBVIOUSLY LOVED, RESPECTED and CHERISHED in you community....You DO have a LOT to be thankful for, I just wish I could give you more strength. Happy New Year from one Mom to another AMAZING MOM and VERY STRONG WOMAN!!!! My garden that I planted months ago that I dedicated to Caleb has FINALLY started to produce....this year it took longer than usual for things to "kick in"...but, it has happened. My tomatoes are BEAUTIFUL and the brocolli is looking the best I've ever grown....I'll take it as a sign....Again - HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Dear Sharyn,
Hang in there. My thoughts and prayers are constantly with you. I have experienced that same sense of despair to a degree, but nothing compared to what you have had to endure, my stomach drops and heart aches. Pull up those bootstraps and hang in there. It sucks but you'll come out on the other side of this.
Your in our thoughts,
Love, Lynn & Seth
Continued thoughts and prayers; candlelight of peace and love, sent your way. Couldn't help but be buoyed by the youthful exuberance of Jennie. Giggling, oh my YES!!!
Oh Kevin, Your such a scalleywag!
And a Blessed New year to all....May this New Year bring Joy, Health, Love,and Peace that passes all understanding.
To Caleb renewed health and vigor to set about on your path and journey forward, to Kai and Max may all the energy, love and devotion you have shown to your dear brother return to you 10 fold, and to DEAR Sharyn, may this New Year bring you exquisite peace, acceptance and faith to watch Caleb become all he can be.
I wish all this and more.... you deserve so much.
And to this cyber community, I wish you all Peace, Health, Abundance, and Joy in this new year.
Blessings,
Melinda
Sometimes you cannot think about next month, next week or even the next day. Find a brightness ,a gracefulness in just a single moment. Sigh and find comfort that you are where you are
and you have made it this far.
Enduring love, it is a new year...
xoxoxo kk
Happy New Year everybody, love Carrie
The sun is shining...today starts a new year. Thanks Caleb for setting the bar high on not looking the other way- for embracing the journey. Thanks Jennie for showing us selfless young love in action. Thanks Max and Kai for your compassionate brotherhood. And Sharyn, queen of the roost...thanks for defining what being present is...being there no matter what comes. Sending light to all. My new years resolution- Rough it up= have some fun experiencing the wonder that is life. peace . ann m
Here's hoping the first day of the new year brings test results that enable you to continue on the journey; Caleb to rehab, Max, Kai and Jan to their daily lives, and Sharyn to her home where she must regroup, recoup, refresh - and realize that days ahead cannot be controlled, just attended to. Patience, dear Lindsay/Potter clan, and eyes to the future. It looks bright.
Focus on the good
Believe in positive outcome
it has done so much already
May you find strength at your low points within free fall and may you are yours move forward with your heads up and eyes smiling
Sharyn-I have not written before but I have been following Caleb's story from the begining.I will continue to read ALL of the comments-and I like everyone else-know that Caleb's story is sure to have a happy ending!Keep the Faith-
Flatwalker
Well I am asking again for your excess prayers and healing thoughts to be turned my way....My surgery is tomorrow (which is why I am up doddering around my house at 3am)(nervous). They are removing a golf ball-sized mass....1 orange-1 golf ball= ? No one knows.. My best friend Margaret-the-Reiki Master will be there with me during the first most painful part, so I am feeling a bit better about it, but am still somewhat apprehensive over the whole deal.There will be an 8 day period of waiting for further biopsy results during which I will practice my mindful breathing and positive thinking....... But plainly put, I am scared right now and I really just don't want to do this. I know you all to be a very loving tribe, and have felt that love before, and thought, if I may be so bold, to ask for some help with this.
Thanks to all.
peg from pA
your words move me, as usual.
peaceful prayers to you and caleb and all your family this new years.
we love you all
amy in ct
Peg- Sending light, peace and love your way today. It is normal to feel scared and out of control- but beneath all that- we are here with you- holding you gently...It is a wonder when we open ourselves to grace what can happen. Candles lit....I'm glad you will have a friend with you. A loving physical presence is healing in itself. ann m
Sharyn,
it probably doesn't surprise you anymore how many people you don't know pray and send good thoughts for Caleb, you and your entire family. I'm a good friend of Marcia and Skip Hakala, live in Michigan and stay up to date on your blog while keeping my fingers crossed that good news is waiting there. I understand more than I wish the surreal life one lives when a loved one is in bad shape and hospitalized long term. My Dad had heart valve surgery Nov. 29 and here it is Jan. 3 and we're still living in the dreaded 'hospital zone'. I think we're in the home stretch (at least I tell my Dad and myself that daily), it's been hell and I can't even imagine how you have all held up so well for so long. 2008 is going to be one wonderful year for all of us..I can feel it!. Happy New Year to all of you and I'll keep sending those good thoughts your way :) Suzy
Is there any news of Caleb this week??Hoping things are going well.
Is there any news of Caleb? Is the blog still working? THanks.
I hope no news is good news. We all completely understand Sharyn has pressing things to attend to. Could one of you wonderful guest bloggers please post an update on Caleb just to let us know if things are well.
Please someone give us an update. Is anything wrong with Caleb? Is anyone able to update us on the blog? Thanks
Update about Caleb. See: retype in address www.calebpotter.blogspot.com
This will get us to the current blog site, something is different now on the old web address. Thanks
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