The truth is falling heavily and the emotional roller coaster plummets again. The folds of wreakage line up like the folds on my blanket, and sometimes I am able to push them back into a neat pile at the end of the bed till once again I am cold and I pull all the sorrow up and over me to stay the night. I have been weary and tired and hoping to find my voice so that I could be here with you again...
the talk of hoilidays is upon us and with it comes a pain of loss and love and memories which need to be left behind.
We are finding our way - it is a slow and arduous journey..but only for Kai Max and myself..Caleb is able to stay focused on healing, does not succmb to sadness and has an insistence on his own personal human dignity. I question why it is that he is able to do this, while all along he clearly is the one who has lost the most out of all of this, and I have come to realize that he is simply following along with the flow and is allowing the changes in him to flood over without resistance. He is becoming the person which his life and it's experiences has bekoned forth .
I, the proverbial tigress , fight and claw all the way through this and blame and hate and shred myself in doing so. It is only when I can align with who it is that life has asked me to become that I can make my way forward with clarity and purpose.
I tried so hard to instill in my troika of boys the idea of healthy self-esteem. It is clearly the quality I value the most in a person and the one which I strive to change in myself. I keep beating myself up over this accident and I keep wanting to punish ( at least in thought) those who I find responsible in some way for my unhappiness. It gets me no-where!
So now I am trying deliberately to change the words to my story..to reach for the best possible thought .to look up instead of down and to find whatever amounts of peace and understanding I can. Like the pie in the kitchen, all the ingredients are out there..I only need to choose what it is that I want to add.... I want to add laughter and happiness. I want to feel a time and place where I will be fine and a place where you will walk up and recognize me.. that place where all that has been, all that is, and all that will ever be which is in all of us......is well.
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On the fourth of July, 2007 Caleb Potter was involved in a skateboarding accident.
He suffered serious injuries and continues to need all of our positive thoughts and prayers.
This blog is to serve as a space for updates on Caleb's journey of recovery.
He suffered serious injuries and continues to need all of our positive thoughts and prayers.
This blog is to serve as a space for updates on Caleb's journey of recovery.
Adding Comments
Please feel free to add your comments to the blog. All you have to do is click on the number of comments at the bottom of one of the postings. Then write your comment in the box provided on the right side of the screen. Thank you to all of you who have been commenting so far; we're creating quite the community on here! Be well...
A BIG Thank You
In this season of giving thanks and celebrating family togetherness, I wish to extend a warm thank you to everyone who has been involved in a myriad of ways with my son, Caleb Potter, and his recovery. On July 4, he was involved in a skateboarding accident in our little hometown of Wellfleet on Cape Cod, that caused him serious injuries. He came home from Spaulding Rehab in Boston just before Thanksgiving. Through the blog we started:
http://calebpotter.blogspot.com/
the Wellfleet community of support stretched far and wide across the country, and in fact, throughout parts of the world, with many people offering prayers and words of wisdom. We could not have come so far without this legion of support from all of you, in Wellfleet and beyond. We are sincerely grateful.
Sharyn L. Lindsay and family
http://calebpotter.blogspot
the Wellfleet community of support stretched far and wide across the country, and in fact, throughout parts of the world, with many people offering prayers and words of wisdom. We could not have come so far without this legion of support from all of you, in Wellfleet and beyond. We are sincerely grateful.
Sharyn L. Lindsay and family
DONATIONS
THE CALEB POTTER
BENEFIT FUND
Donations may be made in person at any branch of Cape Cod Five Cents Savings Bank or mailed to the bank at P.O. Box 697, Wellfleet, MA 02667.
Thank you SO MUCH
for your contributions.
With love,
from all of Caleb's friends and family
BENEFIT FUND
Donations may be made in person at any branch of Cape Cod Five Cents Savings Bank or mailed to the bank at P.O. Box 697, Wellfleet, MA 02667.
Thank you SO MUCH
for your contributions.
With love,
from all of Caleb's friends and family
Official Information
If you have questions about calebpotter.blogspot.com,
email Sky at:
novembersky.freysscole@gmail.com
email Sky at:
novembersky.freysscole@gmail.com
For Sending Cards etc.
Caleb Potter
c/o Sharyn Lindsay
45 Sapokonish Way
Wellfleet, MA
02667
(please be respectful)
c/o Sharyn Lindsay
45 Sapokonish Way
Wellfleet, MA
02667
(please be respectful)
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17 comments:
If you can imagine it, you can achieve it; if you can dream it, you can become it.
William Arthur Ward
All truly wise thoughts have been thought already, thousands of times; but to make them truly ours, we must think them over again honestly, until they take firm root in our personal experience.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
I'm sending positive thoughts and strength your way. Lean on it whenever it might help.
So I'm walking down the street the other day, on my lunch break from the bank, and I see Caleb's truck parked in front of the Marketplace. Of course I strain my eyes to see if anyone is still IN the truck, and YIPPPEEEEE!!...I see Caleb sitting in the passenger seat! I SCOOOOOOOT!! with delight (those of you who know me will understand how this works), and scamper myself up to the drivers side door, peering in through the window. Caleb slowly turns his head to look and see who is peeking at him, and slowly breaks into a grin when he recognizes me. I open the door and announce that I am kidnapping him immediately, and jump into the drivers seat. Devilishly I laugh, and look over to see his reaction. Without missing a beat he says " No you're not, you freak! I'm waiting for mom and she's gonna be pissed if you steal the truck and leave her here!" Then he laughs and gives me a big hug and kiss.
The next day I ran into Caleb and Anne on the bench and ate lunch with then. I was harrassing Caleb and trying to find out what he was going to be for Halloween. He eventually said " I'm going to get a curly wig and glasses and be YOU for Halloween!" Wouldn't that just be the bees knees!
There are people who make magic just by being. Caleb is one of those. He always was, still is, and always will be. He has that ability to make anyone feel at ease and instantly vibrant. Thank you Sharyn, for creating him for all of us to know, to love, and to learn
from. May we all have such strength and love within us for all of our days.
Thank You Amy - I needed a smile today.
Sharyn, I hear you - it's not easy to keep the balance sometimes. Just remember that the ups and downs, bumps and turns are to be expected - it doesn't mean you've lost your way, or you're going down the wrong road, or your heading for a dead end...it just means your still walking your path and finding your way.
We all are.
Allow yourself the time to navigate the bumps and turns, and as always, I know you will wind up having learned something once you arrive on the other side!
You know what the Holidays can do to us - so many buried or put to rest (so we thought)feelings get stirred up - again, just roll with them - nothing else you CAN do - let them come, take a look at them and then find a place to store them again. I think that the process eventually leaves us with less to look at each year and less to pack back up and store away....little by little we face our demons, and eventually they don't look so scary anymore.
Time - it does take time.
Love and light,as always-
Nancy in NY
Sharyn,
My great uncle died recently, in his nineties, leaving behind his wife of 67 years and his three grown children, each themselves bent under their own griefs and cares and illnesses. As I stood there in Mt. Auburn under the changing leaves, with my feet planted on someone else's headstone, I realized that this was really all one. The going and the coming, the birthing and the dying, and everything in between. They talked so movingly about their young and vigorous father, and the walks they took with him. People's memories of him were so vital, they washed away the last few years of grief, loss, and confusion. I felt the pull of the earth up through my feet, and the wind pushing the red leaves around us in eddies, and the warm sun and I thought--well, this is it, they are wrong when they say you only have the present moment. You have the past ones, too, even if you don't have the future you expected.
aimai
you, although sometimes it does not appear this way, are really doing fine.
you are doing what you need to do to move on and grow with this new situation. i was wondering why it was taking so long for the next post and now i know why.
know in your heart that we are all with you, by your side, everyday hoping to help you along this path that you walk.
thank you amy st john for that story, i have yet to meet caleb in my visits to the cape and to meet sharyn and kevin... i hope i get to meet him myself next time up.
sharyn, keep your face up to the sun and keep moving.... just keep moving.... you will find your way.
love, peace and prayers
amy in ct
tonight in the Berkshires if you walk with your head and face up you are quickly covered by snow flakes, cool specs of white flashing in the fragments of light. The magic of the first snow. The wind is beginning to howl as it makes its way up the valley.
Its all been here before but it is all new and each time it will be a little different.
Like watching this snow, I think Caleb must be looking at things a new. In allowing the experience and flow also comes the beauty and the awareness and the peace.
I think many of us understand and can relate to your feelings of wanting to blame yourself or wanting to blame others for what has gone wrong. But as I tell myself, self blame has no good end nor does the blaming of others as none of us can turn back the clock and make it different; and if we could where would we stop.
I think as the weekend nears it is time for a glass (or bottle) of wine and for baking that pie. Pick the ingredients you love and cherish and are most fragrant and flavorful and will be good for you and leave the rest on the shelf for a different time. Invite some laughter over (I'd come if I were near) and even some more pies, as there is never too many pies, especially if there is ice cream on the side.
Always remember that after the roller coaster goes down it goes up. And as this wind howls even louder and moves on to the east I cast good thoughts and wishes upon it to be delivered to the place by the sea.
You will be well.......peace.
Each passing day becomes more rich in experience, becomes more as we become more, and there is always more . . . I see you in your kitchen mixing up pies (with your special crust recipe for which you are famous), sometmes adding salty tears, but preparing the feast, nonetheless, and always, dear friend, your kitchen is full with loved ones and more.
Sharyn,
You've "fought and clawed" your way for so long and for so far. The fact that you've found joy and tenderness in these recent days and want to continue to embrace them shows that you have found your way. Yes, there will continue to be twists and hills in the road, but you've already proven that you can rise up, meet them, and overcome them. Some are easier than others, and when the bigger hills appear in front of you, we are all here to get over them with you. We've never met, but I rode a very similar rollercoaster a few years back and you are not on it alone. Lean on all of whenever you want to or need to.
And always remember, the impossible is possible--the Phillies just won the World Series!!!!
I have always found that there are few things in life that can make me feel better than a warm slice of pie.
The act of preparing one puts me in a zen-like state....the combining of butter and flour, so simple yet if not done with a light hand (heart) can come out tough,not tender. The peeling of apples, cooking of pumpkin, the fragrance of each spice as you open the jar, so many different ingredients (emotions) yet they blend to a tasty filling.....then rolling out the crust, firmly yet softly fitting it into the pan, filling it up, and deciding between flaky top crust or sweet crumbs. The (almost) best time is when it bakes, filling the home with warmth and a fragrant redolence of love, and of memories of days gone by.
The first slice is the hardest to serve, but the best. It would be wonderful if a slice of pie could wash away all of our problems, but that part is up to us as we clean the kitchen after our endeavor.And that first sweet bite, ahh, nirvana. Make that pie, Sharyn, take a slice of peace for yourself. Eat it with a joyful heart, share it with a dear friend...I have always found it to be perfect food for the soul....
Know that it is filled with your love and our love and know that we are all still here, walking beside you to the refrigerator to get a glass of milk.
There are many things to avoid doing in life, and beating one's self up is one of them...make that pie instead.
As always, with hope,
peg from PA
Sharyn, you are so beautiful, the way you allow yourself to mourn, and hope, and be. Always, always, you find your equilibrium, and always, always we out here are filled with joy and admiration. I'm so sorry for the times when it is hardest, and sending love from afar to you and your inspiring family.
xo Catherine
It never ceases to amaze me how so many people who have never met could develop such a close and nurturing community.
Sharyn, I sensed deep in my heart that you have been struggling or maybe I wondered, is Sharyn struggling as I am this week. I am not sure if it is the onset of the cooler weather marking the passage of time and the nearness of the holidays or whether now and then those of us facing adversity just need to pause, take stock and say..."jeeze, this sucks."
Th truth is that something is different as we mark the passing of the days, the seasons, the years. And I know others in our community are facing other types of losses, grief, regret and unwelcome change.
When Lucy was first diagnosed, as I imagine when Caleb first had his accident, I didn't have the luxury of really taking stock of our loss. I was in battle mode and just dealing with the realities of the new situation. The doctors, the scans, the decisions that needed to be made and done with specific deadlines. It wasn't until life settled into more of a regular pattern that I was able to sit back and think...I hate this. I wish this didn't happen. If only...
Nancy, Amy, Aimai, Jeff...they all have said it in one way or another. We are up, we are down. This is life. It was the life we had before, but perhaps the highs and lows are magnified by our unusual circumstance so we feel them more. We are only human. Just flesh and bone. Not on a pedestal. Just two feet planted on the ground and trying to keep moving in a progressive direction. We can't hold ourselves to some super human standard. We can only ebb and flow with the circumstances and our ability on any given day to weather them.
One thing I do appreciate is that knowing the lows, I so much more appreciate the highs. They always seem so much sweeter than "before" and I have learned to cherish them so much more. I consider that a gift.
You are a wonderful, real, genuine person dealing with some extraordinary circumstances. Recently I went back and read your entire journey chronicled here from beginning to end. It gave me amazing perspective during a down day and made me feel like I am going to be okay in the end. Because it gave me faith that you are going to be okay.
If we could write the script of our lives, we would not have chosen this story line. I believe this to be a test of my spirit. And I know my spirit will prevail.
Be strong...or dont be strong. It is all okay.
Thinking of you and sending warm, loving and supportive vibes.
Risa
Be kind to yourself, Sharyn. Especially when you're weary and tired.
I hope that by the time you read this, your emotional roller coaster is chugging skyward again.
NY/Wellfleet Mom
P.S. Amy St. John, thank you for sharing your touching and hilarious Caleb story. I loved it!
Dearest Sharyn......You are there. You have spoken your hearts desire. The Universe answers.."Your wish is my command".
May it be so.
Blessings,
Peace,
Melinda
Sharyn, it's not at all surprising that the prospect of the holiday season brings to you a certain melancholy. Maybe this feels new and strange, but FWIW it's straight out of my own experience. And I'm pretty sure we are not alone in this. Much has been written on the subject.
I remember enthusiastically loving Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, each in its own right, when I was a kid. Inevitably, over time, the enthusiasm faded a bit, replaced in part by a sense of duty, but still the candle was lit. I think that much was part of the normal maturation process. Santa Claus was still fun, but less so, when I had to become him.
But with the passage not only of time, but traumatic life experiences and their lingering aftereffects, depression set in; ambivalence and equanimity gave way to a definite seasonal sadness, even dread. Risa touched on this in her post above - there is something different, even in the familiar. I think there always will be. It's as though the rose colored glasses have come off, and the griminess and jagged edges are now visible.
To this day, I go through the motions at this time of year, engage in the rituals, not because I enjoy them but because I am guilt-bound, and don't know how to do anything else. I tell myself that I do this for others, for those whom I love, although the reality is that they would probably prefer a couple of days on a Florida beach or somesuch with a happy me over an extended holly-jolly season traipsing to visit the far-flung extended family and such with the me who tries hard to "do" jolly.
By mid November I'll be wishing for a fast-forward button that will pick me up and plop me down somewhere in the middle of January - quietly, in the snowy woods.
Perhaps I'll see you there.
Or perhaps this coming season will be the most special of all, as the events of the past year-and-a-half will have drawn your family closer together than you may now even realize. In any case, I can tell you for sure that January will come, one way or another, and that we will both be there, be somewhere, another notch under our belts and another chapter written in your wonderful book.
Be well, be calm, be strong, be gentle with yourself...
Jerry
I suppose the battle is endless or seems so for you, Sharyn. In spite of the fact that it is a gradual uphill trek it must be and certainly is overwhelming. You are not expected to be strong and fiesty all of the time so give yourself a big break and be a little vulnerable and sad if you must--whatever it takes to help you cope and if you can't cope on a day,DON'T. Bake a pie,walk in the woods,cry,get pissed,call a friend,demand sympathy. It's all OK
for you to have these feelings.
It sure would be great if we had the capabilites of turning off our thought process for however long we want. Sometimes I get tired just thinking in the middle of the night of God knows what. I can't imagine what goes thru your mind during the low ebb.I want to fill your head with profoundly happy and funny thoughts. Take care of yourself and be well, Sharyn.
Caleb is amazing as Amy's story portrayed.
My best wishes and love to you all.
Penny
Amy,
Thank you for sharing such a wonderful story!
Happy Halloween,
marcia
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