I had an early morn conversation with my dear friend Ellen who now has moved to Arizona. I find the distance doesn't matter with matters of the heart, and when I speak to her it is as if she is sitting across from me at some dark cafe, sharing secrets and speaking from the depths till I lean in to make a point and torch my hair on fire as it dips into the candle ( this really happened).
When you find your own "tribe" your life suddenly makes sense..it took me years to find Ellen and Anne who both speak my language and who walk this walk with me, never leaving me without words of encouragement and intoxicating me with tenderness.
I found that I was saying to El " I feel that I function the best when I come to the conclusion that on some otherworldly level, Caleb has chosen this.
He will be my teacher for the rest of my life and the strength I will garner from all of this is what I, on some level, have always asked for." So in this regard, we are partners in crime, he and I.

When I look into a mirror now, I fully expect to see the image of an old photo which has been patched and taped together after the torn areas have been discovered. There is a seam which doesn't match up , a crease that won't go away and a gap that will never come together- but it is the same face staring back at me non-the-less. In spite of this, and in part because of this, I am yearning for lightness and laughter. I am feeling vitality concentrating in me-spotting the glimmers of hope and giving myself permission to feel freedom. I am seeing the same happen for Caleb .

As we know, motherhood does not come with a mannual, and I was always second guessing myself . At some point, and Caleb taught me this, you must choose between being conventional with your children, or you must decide that you will forge your own path and you will write your own script along the way. For 25 years Caleb lived with freedom of the heart, laughter was the name of his game and now I am ever so grateful that he taught me to let loose and not worry so much, to allow him to grow into who he was to be without my hovering, correcting and insisting. He wanted to live on his terms, not mine and I am ever so grateful for this now...he will be a different kind of Caleb , but never has anyone impressed me with a life as rich and big as his has been.
If I had it all over to do again I would remember that there are times when innapropriate is not always innapropriate at all- go with your hearts first - not your head!
I intend to try to remember that for the second half of my life.....