The truth is falling heavily and the emotional roller coaster plummets again. The folds of wreakage line up like the folds on my blanket, and sometimes I am able to push them back into a neat pile at the end of the bed till once again I am cold and I pull all the sorrow up and over me to stay the night. I have been weary and tired and hoping to find my voice so that I could be here with you again...
the talk of hoilidays is upon us and with it comes a pain of loss and love and memories which need to be left behind.
We are finding our way - it is a slow and arduous journey..but only for Kai Max and myself..Caleb is able to stay focused on healing, does not succmb to sadness and has an insistence on his own personal human dignity. I question why it is that he is able to do this, while all along he clearly is the one who has lost the most out of all of this, and I have come to realize that he is simply following along with the flow and is allowing the changes in him to flood over without resistance. He is becoming the person which his life and it's experiences has bekoned forth .
I, the proverbial tigress , fight and claw all the way through this and blame and hate and shred myself in doing so. It is only when I can align with who it is that life has asked me to become that I can make my way forward with clarity and purpose.
I tried so hard to instill in my troika of boys the idea of healthy self-esteem. It is clearly the quality I value the most in a person and the one which I strive to change in myself. I keep beating myself up over this accident and I keep wanting to punish ( at least in thought) those who I find responsible in some way for my unhappiness. It gets me no-where!
So now I am trying deliberately to change the words to my story..to reach for the best possible thought .to look up instead of down and to find whatever amounts of peace and understanding I can. Like the pie in the kitchen, all the ingredients are out there..I only need to choose what it is that I want to add.... I want to add laughter and happiness. I want to feel a time and place where I will be fine and a place where you will walk up and recognize me.. that place where all that has been, all that is, and all that will ever be which is in all of us......is well.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Photos of Cedar and Ennie's Wedding
October 11 &12, 2008
The Wedding Party
Caleb, Anne, Ch
The guys: Bowen, Max, Cedar, Julian, Caleb, Kai, Sean
Kai, Caleb, Max
Sunday, October 19, 2008
new life
As I hesitantly open the door and offer in our new life and try to accomodate it's needs and desires, I find I am filled with a new joy and a similitanious horror. Joy- because life is being breathed back into our little Long Pond home..nothing like a catastrophie to make the wheels of invention turn and churn. I am starting a Toastmaster's club in Welfleet so that I am better prepared for public speaking as I know I will want to share this story. Kai is more focused on what it is he will do with his life for to design it without Caleb in mind is out of the question for him. Max is now not so distant and is becoming much more involved with me and family decisions. As if we were not a team before? - we are now in the play-off's.
And the horror? Acceptance! Ever try to accept something you absolutely did not want to? When it comes to heroism, I am not the quickest study. I like to drag my feet, kicking and screaming down the pike for quite sometime, certain that "I" will be the one who can finally figure out how to turn back the hands of time. But every day presents me with proof to the contrary ( can you believe it?) , and I am beginning to see more clearly now that every moment I spend in this tangled mop head of misery only serves to hurt Caleb. We must move on!
Today I am struck with the tenderness which each and everyone of you present to me as a gift each time you arrive here on my threshold....if you knew me you would find this humorous - I am (was) the quntessential strong type who needed no-one. I was the poster girl for power and proof. Now I am learning humility and humbleness..the two "h" words which I feared and loathed and am now learning to wear like a favorite clinging dress which shows all the bumps and lumps, and how funny now--I just don't care!.
Thank you for walking this walk with me - with Caleb and Kai and Max....... and for teaching me more about love.
And the horror? Acceptance! Ever try to accept something you absolutely did not want to? When it comes to heroism, I am not the quickest study. I like to drag my feet, kicking and screaming down the pike for quite sometime, certain that "I" will be the one who can finally figure out how to turn back the hands of time. But every day presents me with proof to the contrary ( can you believe it?) , and I am beginning to see more clearly now that every moment I spend in this tangled mop head of misery only serves to hurt Caleb. We must move on!
Today I am struck with the tenderness which each and everyone of you present to me as a gift each time you arrive here on my threshold....if you knew me you would find this humorous - I am (was) the quntessential strong type who needed no-one. I was the poster girl for power and proof. Now I am learning humility and humbleness..the two "h" words which I feared and loathed and am now learning to wear like a favorite clinging dress which shows all the bumps and lumps, and how funny now--I just don't care!.
Thank you for walking this walk with me - with Caleb and Kai and Max....... and for teaching me more about love.
Monday, October 13, 2008
back in Fleet
The big, blue sky wedding of Cedar and Ennie's could not have been a pinch more beautiful. Perched atop a mountain top bursting with color, they exchanged vows. Caleb stood tall next to Cedar and Kai and Max stood pensively beside.
There were the usual moments of laughter and tears that arrive as guests at every wedding, but the difference with this one was that you felt in your core that these two people belong to one another..that just perhaps they are the very same soul living in two bodies. We lived in celebration for two days and two ( very cold camping) nights, and returned home as better people.
These celebrations are now a new experience for me. I missed the usual Caleb jumping out of trees, the boy racing over the moss covered rocks in the river below, the infectious laughter that sprang from him as if he had held it in for a bit too long and it had to escape with a boistrousness and an energy that had a life of it's own. I watch with sadness as he sits in a chair and cannot keep up with the movement of conversation that a large group brings. I plummet and plummet until I almost hit bottom, then a yo-yo snap of life brings me up again into the safety of a warm hand holding ...I am fine, I am fine. We will be OK.
As best man Caleb was expected to come up with a toast at dinner..and being the mother..I was nervous. Could he pull it off? would he freeze up before the microphone? would he stumble over words?
Caleb stood firmly planted into the Earth below him and spoke these words..
" I have known Cedar since I was little and I want to say how proud I am of him. ( Then with a directed point of a finger, he looked at Cedar and said- here goes..I'm proud of you" )
I have known Cedar longer than than he has known Ennie, And I am a little pissed off that he didn't ask me to marry him. I want to wish you the best...shine on you crazy diamonds."
The crowd went crazy with laughter and cheers..Kai noted later that many tears paused for a look, lingering at the corner's of eyes before spilling over .... but there was one person in the crowd who could not hear a thing , or see a thing....she was stuck in that state of Grace where no one else exists........but for one.
There were the usual moments of laughter and tears that arrive as guests at every wedding, but the difference with this one was that you felt in your core that these two people belong to one another..that just perhaps they are the very same soul living in two bodies. We lived in celebration for two days and two ( very cold camping) nights, and returned home as better people.
These celebrations are now a new experience for me. I missed the usual Caleb jumping out of trees, the boy racing over the moss covered rocks in the river below, the infectious laughter that sprang from him as if he had held it in for a bit too long and it had to escape with a boistrousness and an energy that had a life of it's own. I watch with sadness as he sits in a chair and cannot keep up with the movement of conversation that a large group brings. I plummet and plummet until I almost hit bottom, then a yo-yo snap of life brings me up again into the safety of a warm hand holding ...I am fine, I am fine. We will be OK.
As best man Caleb was expected to come up with a toast at dinner..and being the mother..I was nervous. Could he pull it off? would he freeze up before the microphone? would he stumble over words?
Caleb stood firmly planted into the Earth below him and spoke these words..
" I have known Cedar since I was little and I want to say how proud I am of him. ( Then with a directed point of a finger, he looked at Cedar and said- here goes..I'm proud of you" )
I have known Cedar longer than than he has known Ennie, And I am a little pissed off that he didn't ask me to marry him. I want to wish you the best...shine on you crazy diamonds."
The crowd went crazy with laughter and cheers..Kai noted later that many tears paused for a look, lingering at the corner's of eyes before spilling over .... but there was one person in the crowd who could not hear a thing , or see a thing....she was stuck in that state of Grace where no one else exists........but for one.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
I had an early morn conversation with my dear friend Ellen who now has moved to Arizona. I find the distance doesn't matter with matters of the heart, and when I speak to her it is as if she is sitting across from me at some dark cafe, sharing secrets and speaking from the depths till I lean in to make a point and torch my hair on fire as it dips into the candle ( this really happened).
When you find your own "tribe" your life suddenly makes sense..it took me years to find Ellen and Anne who both speak my language and who walk this walk with me, never leaving me without words of encouragement and intoxicating me with tenderness.
I found that I was saying to El " I feel that I function the best when I come to the conclusion that on some otherworldly level, Caleb has chosen this.
He will be my teacher for the rest of my life and the strength I will garner from all of this is what I, on some level, have always asked for." So in this regard, we are partners in crime, he and I.
When I look into a mirror now, I fully expect to see the image of an old photo which has been patched and taped together after the torn areas have been discovered. There is a seam which doesn't match up , a crease that won't go away and a gap that will never come together- but it is the same face staring back at me non-the-less. In spite of this, and in part because of this, I am yearning for lightness and laughter. I am feeling vitality concentrating in me-spotting the glimmers of hope and giving myself permission to feel freedom. I am seeing the same happen for Caleb .
As we know, motherhood does not come with a mannual, and I was always second guessing myself . At some point, and Caleb taught me this, you must choose between being conventional with your children, or you must decide that you will forge your own path and you will write your own script along the way. For 25 years Caleb lived with freedom of the heart, laughter was the name of his game and now I am ever so grateful that he taught me to let loose and not worry so much, to allow him to grow into who he was to be without my hovering, correcting and insisting. He wanted to live on his terms, not mine and I am ever so grateful for this now...he will be a different kind of Caleb , but never has anyone impressed me with a life as rich and big as his has been.
If I had it all over to do again I would remember that there are times when innapropriate is not always innapropriate at all- go with your hearts first - not your head!
I intend to try to remember that for the second half of my life.....
When you find your own "tribe" your life suddenly makes sense..it took me years to find Ellen and Anne who both speak my language and who walk this walk with me, never leaving me without words of encouragement and intoxicating me with tenderness.
I found that I was saying to El " I feel that I function the best when I come to the conclusion that on some otherworldly level, Caleb has chosen this.
He will be my teacher for the rest of my life and the strength I will garner from all of this is what I, on some level, have always asked for." So in this regard, we are partners in crime, he and I.
When I look into a mirror now, I fully expect to see the image of an old photo which has been patched and taped together after the torn areas have been discovered. There is a seam which doesn't match up , a crease that won't go away and a gap that will never come together- but it is the same face staring back at me non-the-less. In spite of this, and in part because of this, I am yearning for lightness and laughter. I am feeling vitality concentrating in me-spotting the glimmers of hope and giving myself permission to feel freedom. I am seeing the same happen for Caleb .
As we know, motherhood does not come with a mannual, and I was always second guessing myself . At some point, and Caleb taught me this, you must choose between being conventional with your children, or you must decide that you will forge your own path and you will write your own script along the way. For 25 years Caleb lived with freedom of the heart, laughter was the name of his game and now I am ever so grateful that he taught me to let loose and not worry so much, to allow him to grow into who he was to be without my hovering, correcting and insisting. He wanted to live on his terms, not mine and I am ever so grateful for this now...he will be a different kind of Caleb , but never has anyone impressed me with a life as rich and big as his has been.
If I had it all over to do again I would remember that there are times when innapropriate is not always innapropriate at all- go with your hearts first - not your head!
I intend to try to remember that for the second half of my life.....
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Sitting down the road from Caleb's therapy sipping mocha at the Chocolate Sparrow.
I spy a man who I recognize from the Club (my former life). He was always gregarious with hello's all around the room - then he, like me would settle into his workouts not wanting to converse, since we were the rather serious about working out kinds.
Somehow he looked older, shruken, and not as chipper. We exchanged hello's again and I settled into a seat next to his, waiting for Caleb's hot cocoa to go.
Soon we were sitting closer, like lover's we were face to face, not aware of anyone else in the room. He lost a son around Christmas time and he was aware of Caleb through the papers, but was not aware that Caleb belonged to me...so there we sat , eye to eye, telling our stories and finding solice in eachother....It is interesting when you can feel..actually feel another human's pain ---till now it was always- "oh I am so sorry" and then I got to walk back into my normal life. Now I sit on the edge of my chair and hang on every word and look into the pained soul who is now my mirror.
But isn't this why you are all drawn to this page - this written account of love, love lost,death, pain, strength,laughter, courage and the willful urge to go on. It is within all of us - it is us, each and everyone. ... and like lover's - you and I on this page sit looking into eachother's lives with dewey eyes and a lump in our throats, and we feed eachother the necessary ingredients of hope in order to go on.
Jenny came to Fleet last night and stayed over with us - so wonderful to see her...she is bubbly as ever and doing well. Bowling night left Kai and I on our own- so we went margarita hopping around town and found ourselves on the upper deck of one of my customer's houses (and friend) overlooking the bay ...and so high up that you might touch a star. We finally spoke openly of Jan and Caleb, our lives . Kai said when he would see Caleb's truck around town..he would park and seek him out... he said that it was like that feeling of being in love where you are only focused on seeing that one person and nothing else matters. I know it well.... we are perched across from each and every one of you out there who follow along with us and feel for us and hope for us....and I would not give up my chair for anything!
I spy a man who I recognize from the Club (my former life). He was always gregarious with hello's all around the room - then he, like me would settle into his workouts not wanting to converse, since we were the rather serious about working out kinds.
Somehow he looked older, shruken, and not as chipper. We exchanged hello's again and I settled into a seat next to his, waiting for Caleb's hot cocoa to go.
Soon we were sitting closer, like lover's we were face to face, not aware of anyone else in the room. He lost a son around Christmas time and he was aware of Caleb through the papers, but was not aware that Caleb belonged to me...so there we sat , eye to eye, telling our stories and finding solice in eachother....It is interesting when you can feel..actually feel another human's pain ---till now it was always- "oh I am so sorry" and then I got to walk back into my normal life. Now I sit on the edge of my chair and hang on every word and look into the pained soul who is now my mirror.
But isn't this why you are all drawn to this page - this written account of love, love lost,death, pain, strength,laughter, courage and the willful urge to go on. It is within all of us - it is us, each and everyone. ... and like lover's - you and I on this page sit looking into eachother's lives with dewey eyes and a lump in our throats, and we feed eachother the necessary ingredients of hope in order to go on.
Jenny came to Fleet last night and stayed over with us - so wonderful to see her...she is bubbly as ever and doing well. Bowling night left Kai and I on our own- so we went margarita hopping around town and found ourselves on the upper deck of one of my customer's houses (and friend) overlooking the bay ...and so high up that you might touch a star. We finally spoke openly of Jan and Caleb, our lives . Kai said when he would see Caleb's truck around town..he would park and seek him out... he said that it was like that feeling of being in love where you are only focused on seeing that one person and nothing else matters. I know it well.... we are perched across from each and every one of you out there who follow along with us and feel for us and hope for us....and I would not give up my chair for anything!
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