Sometimes at night while he sleeps, and I cannot, I steal away into his room and lie next to him just studying his face ...and I match my breathing to his to comfort myself..... In sleep he looks the same - eyes closed and peaceful, storing up for the next days's mischief.
I try to guard against the raining down of emotions, but with umbrella opened, I am still drenched with tears that well and will not stop. The adrenilin for survival has stopped its pumping and a new feel has moved in and has occupied it's station......grief and coming to terms with what is. Loving is not an option here - it is already in place and in truth sometimes I wish it were not....the pain is engulfing and whole.
To love is to risk. To love is to be held hostage to rawness the color of blood. . I have been processed through the meat grinder twice and then again....and yet I am still bold about love .... I would not, could not choose differently.....the love for my boys has a life of it's own ..it moves forward without me , in spite of me, and like the prominent nose on Caleb's face ..it takes shape. Love in this hour is the only thing that propells me into motion.

A certain religious group came by and stood in the doorway with the promise of a life that is bliss and peaceful with no more pain.... I was asked the question- if you had the choice between this life or the hell we live in- which would you choose...and I can honestly say that without blinking an eye, or pausing for a second, my response was----- I will take the contrast that this life offers- how boring would it be the other way? I choose life and all of it's heartbreaks - because I am a feeling, thinking human being, with many faults and many dreams..and my dreams ..my dreams are what keeps me going.... do not take that away from me! Never can you take that away from me!