Father's day - hummmm. Well I can only tell you that once Caleb looked up at me on a ride home from an evening event - I thought he was asleep on my lap- and those big blue eyes pierced me as he said .." Dad spends more time with his girlfriends than he does with us" What are you supposed to answer to that? Especially when it is the truth that he spoke.
I think the tendency is to revere the dead - almost to the point where they can no longer make mistakes or be wrong.. we tend to make the dead perfect....but this is not always the truth. There are many truths about Jan - so many people loved him - and why wouldn't you love someone who would drop everything to help you - it was a lovely quality that he possesed- unless you happened to be a son of his. The boys have had a life full of wanting - wanting more of his time - more of him. I know, because when I was married to him, it was what I wanted too.
I am so tired of keeping family secrets- and I find them so harmfull to generations that follow. Yes we dedicated a beautiful day to Jan and remembered him for the many lovely things he contributed to this community.. We spoke about his humor and his art and his lust for laughter...but behind closed doors there was more - he clearly loved his young men and yet he never learned to show it - he was old school, could not open up and never allowed his boys to know the depths of his love --- so they are left dangling off a cliff with not much to hold onto now - just when they need it the most.
I will probably be run out of town for this entry - but I feel the need to speak the truth - My boys deserve to know the truth. I want them to be able to read this some day and realize that all of their feelings were validated - they were left behind in so many ways..and they deserve to be loved more than anyone I know!
Happy father's day to all of you who have worked hard at it. It is the best gift, and the only gift that will count in your life.
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On the fourth of July, 2007 Caleb Potter was involved in a skateboarding accident.
He suffered serious injuries and continues to need all of our positive thoughts and prayers.
This blog is to serve as a space for updates on Caleb's journey of recovery.
He suffered serious injuries and continues to need all of our positive thoughts and prayers.
This blog is to serve as a space for updates on Caleb's journey of recovery.
Adding Comments
Please feel free to add your comments to the blog. All you have to do is click on the number of comments at the bottom of one of the postings. Then write your comment in the box provided on the right side of the screen. Thank you to all of you who have been commenting so far; we're creating quite the community on here! Be well...
A BIG Thank You
In this season of giving thanks and celebrating family togetherness, I wish to extend a warm thank you to everyone who has been involved in a myriad of ways with my son, Caleb Potter, and his recovery. On July 4, he was involved in a skateboarding accident in our little hometown of Wellfleet on Cape Cod, that caused him serious injuries. He came home from Spaulding Rehab in Boston just before Thanksgiving. Through the blog we started:
http://calebpotter.blogspot.com/
the Wellfleet community of support stretched far and wide across the country, and in fact, throughout parts of the world, with many people offering prayers and words of wisdom. We could not have come so far without this legion of support from all of you, in Wellfleet and beyond. We are sincerely grateful.
Sharyn L. Lindsay and family
http://calebpotter.blogspot
the Wellfleet community of support stretched far and wide across the country, and in fact, throughout parts of the world, with many people offering prayers and words of wisdom. We could not have come so far without this legion of support from all of you, in Wellfleet and beyond. We are sincerely grateful.
Sharyn L. Lindsay and family
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THE CALEB POTTER
BENEFIT FUND
Donations may be made in person at any branch of Cape Cod Five Cents Savings Bank or mailed to the bank at P.O. Box 697, Wellfleet, MA 02667.
Thank you SO MUCH
for your contributions.
With love,
from all of Caleb's friends and family
BENEFIT FUND
Donations may be made in person at any branch of Cape Cod Five Cents Savings Bank or mailed to the bank at P.O. Box 697, Wellfleet, MA 02667.
Thank you SO MUCH
for your contributions.
With love,
from all of Caleb's friends and family
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If you have questions about calebpotter.blogspot.com,
email Sky at:
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45 Sapokonish Way
Wellfleet, MA
02667
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Wellfleet, MA
02667
(please be respectful)
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20 comments:
i hope that you are NOT run out of town for speaking your mind, for speaking the truth.
my ex husband was a volitile alcoholic, but not everyone saw that side of him... but josh and i did... alot.
when i left him, i was the bitch... the odd man out....
after he passed away, he was sanctified.... what a great guy he was....
and then it took a while but everyone finally accepted the way things really were... i am no longer the bitch... i was sanctified... for living with it.
the truth is key...
speak it whenever possible.
today we went to cemeteries, josh and i like cemeteries, we went to his dad's and then we went to my dad's... a beautiful landmark cemetery in hartford, we spent over an hour driving around looking at the monuments and memorials of all the famous people buried there... seems odd that we had a great fathers day in a cememtery. but we did.
peace to you this cool evening
amy in ct
Sharyn,
It all sounds so familiar! Giving reasons for your divorce validates why the split happened in the first place, plus validates how your sons felt. We don't live in a perfect world and some people's imperfections make it impossible to have a marital relationship with them. I know, because it happened to our family, too. My ex cannot sustain an intimate relationship with, not only a wife, but anyone else as well. Unfortunately, he is attempting to have a relationship with a woman and I feel sorry for her. She will never have him the way she may want...no one will.
I hope you enjoyed your day with your family..minus the father. You are accustomed to that...his absence. I am, too.
Always speak the truth. We are too old now to mince words anymore!
Take care,
Sue
Sharyn -
I wrote a long, long post this AM on your previous entry....but it got lost in the publishing...very frustrating...but the gist was:
Concering choice, and the fact that we ALL have that choice - everyday....no matter what. Of course there are those days where we can't see it - and we need to allow for those too....but I wanted to remind you of this-
On those days where you find you are choosing the better choice, the happier and more positive one - look no farther for inspiration than this very blogspot - it was created out of the pure GOODNESS of people - virtual strangers, many of us are....were....the lines get blurred.
You are us and we are you...in your pain and in your glory - we have all been there -we come together here and write all sorts of things - we laugh and cry with you - we share some pretty amazing words here sometimes....
When you're down - just think of this place, where each and every one of us have proven thatgood old fashioned human kindness and giving - caring and compassion for our fellow men and women is alive and well! THAT is a good place to visit when you need to turn toward the "better choice" the happier road.....
We are here - all the time - for you and for your family. We came out of nowhere and now we are here with you for the long haul -
pretty cool.
Your words tonight about Jan and your boys this Father's Day evening are your truth - and it is YOUR truth to share and make peace with however you like.
If this is what is true for you and the boys - get it out there and give their feelings of wanting and lacking a name. Then they can also make peace it with it -in time.
It does not need to diminish Jan - It is simply your truth about him in his role as father and husband.
He could only do or be what his parents gave or didn't give him....and we keep on passing that stuff down and down the lines - unless we stop, take a good look and actively decide to do differently, the things we may not have liked about our families...that takes courage, honesty and tons of work.
You just might be stopping one of YOUR boys from finding themselves behaving exactly as Jan did in those roles. You are once again, insightful and intelligent and this is a huge issue...and you are right on the money in trying to face this and help stop the chain.
Again - this is YOUR place-and you get to say anything you need to.
We've got your back.
Thinking of you all today.
Sharyn,
I read your post yesterday on choices and it brought me back to a 'mindset' that I wanted to share.
I am not a natural runner, but I wanted to run a marathon.
Everyday I could find 1000 excuses (pain, tired, bad weather, kids!, etc) why I couldn't run that day, however I only needed one reason to complete my daily run. Just one reason to run....My choice. You have 4 great reasons to 'run', everyday.....Caleb, Kai, Max and Sharyn!
Have faith and confidence in your decisions and choices. You are doing a great job!
marcia
I had a father who was very absent, always had other things in his life that seemed more important to him than his children. I know that he loved us, but it was not a love that was expressed in a satisfying way and it left us wanting. The thing that both my brother and I did have however, was the powerful love of a mother who was completely devoted to us. That carried us through and taught us how to love and how to be good parents, in spite of our father's neglect. People learn about love from many sources, not always from some perfect, ideal family. For your boys, having the passionate and unwavering love of their mother, and the love of so many in their community, will give them all the emotional tools they need to be men who know how to feel, express and accept love.
It was good to see you the other night. I don't get back to my old home as much as I'd like. Seems like it was a long time ago I stood with my family in the square sending good energy to you, feeling good energy. It was so wonderful to see you guys last night, nice to know that some prayers are answered, wonderful in fact.
Mostly our karma is hidden from us until we step in it, and wind up with the stink of healing that has to be. When you wrote that you would take this life over one devoid of strife, heavenly or just bland. Isn't it that the teacher we learned the most from was the most disagreeable.
Truth can be harsh, but it can be helpful. As a father struggling to understand what he did wrong, I understand it's about the struggle. I didn't drink, I wasn't abusive, I didn't run away from the truth, I didn't abandon anyone and I held out my hand to help when I could, but somethings happen so we can know how let go. Let go of what isn't important at all and hang on to what is.
I've watch your struggles Sharon, Caleb, Kia and Max. I bet you wouldn't change a minute for the Love you experience in this now. Maybe I'll be run out on a rail for writing this, but blessings come in very rough packages.
You three were so close the other night (hey where was Max?). And folks kept coming up to you and you kept giving of your time and space. Where did that come from? I don't have anything to offer you and you have given so much.
Family secrets do effect generations to come. I believe you should confront them and move forward. When you do confront them healing begins and maybe the cycle ends.
It reminds me of when I was in college. I was a big sister to a 13 year old. Now I did not go to college in a big city but in a city in a northern state.
This girl was 13. Her mother was 26. Her grandmother was 39. Need I say more. The cycle continued. Need I say more.
I have not been in college in over 25 years and I do not know what in your post reminded me of this but something did.
I wish for your boys that they confront all of their feelings and that the healing continues and the cycle stops.
I would not run you out of town. You are my hero because you go at your problems.
I firmly believe that truth, as well as forgiveness, will set you free.
Be well, Lindsay/Potters.
NY/Wellfleet Mom
Sharyn, I saw you at breakfast this morning and again didn't want to intrude on your time and space. But after reading this post, I wish I could have the morning over again so I might reach out, put my hand on your shoulder, look you in the eye and tell you that truth is the only answer...fairy tales and convenient fabrications may make a moment seem easier to bear, but nothing works better than the truth...it frees us...and your young men deserve it so they never, for one minute, feel responsible for anything other than their own lives and choices. You are brave to tell the truth. If I should ever see you again, I will tell you that, face to face. Be gentle with yourself.
Sharyn, I saw you at breakfast this morning and again didn't want to intrude on your time and space. But after reading this post, I wish I could have the morning over again so I might reach out, put my hand on your shoulder, look you in the eye and tell you that truth is the only answer...fairy tales and convenient fabrications may make a moment seem easier to bear, but nothing works better than the truth...it frees us...and your young men deserve it so they never, for one minute, feel responsible for anything other than their own lives and choices. You are brave to tell the truth. If I should ever see you again, I will tell you that, face to face. Be gentle with yourself.
sharyn, you are absolutely right...and boys...i too, know what it feels like to be hung out to dry by a father...i knew he loved me but it sure felt as though his life was always more important than ours ever was..and, there were years i NEVER saw him!
the only gift i see in it is that i will NEVER do that to any of my students, my son, my daughter, or any family i have chosen to have...because they are the MOST important juice in my life. they are what helps to define my personal community, and they are my practice pad for living in the bigger world with loving and patient kindness. you all too, have that compound of love and extended family. we are lucky, we families together, to know that as loving compounds, we can also support each other with that gentle kindness that exudes out into the greater world, all the while helping to heal our wounds...
amy in ct is right. truth is KEY. we all saw what and how jan did his life...and there were girlfriends...and max connected with him cuz he worked with him...but often the boys flew solo with only mom tucked under their wing. mom sticks like velcro. boys, learn to stick like (and with!) your mom! lovelovelove me
How is the Rooster doing? Did you name him Lucky?
hey Sharyn,
Wellfleets gotta be a better town than one that can't handle what you have to say. You're an intelligent, caring, thoughtful adult and obviously mean no harm.
We all have out weak areas, some disasterously so. Yet we love - what else?
Wounds need to be acknowledged, tended, healed. Your beautiful sons are very fortunate in their mother. (And I think a lot of Jan, too.)
Love, Miriam
One of the frustrating things about us humans is our often paradoxical nature. How can someone who is caring and available to so many be so unavailable to the people considered the most close? IMO it is easier and safer to give to friends, acquaintances or to the general community because less of us is at risk and the feedback, whether spoken or unspoken, is almost always positive. To be truly close and emotionally available to family also has risks and exposes us on a deeper level. Unless we are able to see past these risks to the unbelievably wonderful benefits of being close to our children or family the opportunity is lost on both sides. Such a lost opportunity is sad.
Sharyn, continue to speak the truth. It is only in truth that true understanding and healing is found.
Dearest Sharyn.
I always struggle with Father's Day. (As well as Christmas, but we won't get into that). I have a father, but the impact he made on me was not a positive one. I have struggled with low self-esteem and confidence issues all my life, and I attribute these short-comings largely to the hurtful and dismissive nature of my father. However in a way my father made me stronger, his violent temper forced my siblings and I closer together, and taught me at an early age that we are all alone in this world and need to take control of our own problems. I wish I could've been older then, so I could have protected my younger brothers from him, but I was young and afraid.
And you're right, the deceased become faultless with their passing... As, I suppose, a father becomes faultless on Father's Day... After my parents divorce, I didn't speak to any of my father's side of the family until recently when I decided to contact my Grandparents. I will never forgive my father for the pain he caused my siblings and the emotional scars we still bare. But he is the reason I have life, and in his absence I can be better. He made a lousy parent, but he is my parent, and I carry some of his traits with me. I can understand better now that I am older that parent's are just people like everyone else, and also carry pain and hurt from their own lives, whether they mean to pass it on to their children or not.
You can't choose your family, which is why I have built my own family in the friends that I keep.
Your boys are well loved by everyone, and I miss them very much. I hope you are all safe and well.
I will see you all soon.
Love you. Miss you.
Haley
Jeff in the Berkshires, I don't know what you do for a living, but I sure hope it involves writing and/or counseling. Damn, you're good!
NY/Wellfleet Mom
Jeff in the Berkshires, I don't know what you do for a living, but I sure hope it involves writing and/or counseling. Damn, you're good!
NY/Wellfleet Mom
I read a book once called Speaker for the Dead by Orson Scott Card. The Speaker is not a religious figure but he acts like a minister at the funeral. His job is to tell the truth, the whole truth, of the life that has just passed. It isn't pretty, but when we tell the whole story - the pain and the glory - we understand and love the person that much more. It's real, everyone knows it, and best of all, everyone understands that there can be love and acceptance of the lesser traits all rolled into one.
Since I have been designated my mother's representative when she dies, I have told her my plans to tell the whole story. Her initial reaction was anger and resentment, until she understood that I intended to explain her entire life. For the most part, her life has been a complete catastrophe, but she knows that finally airing the entire truth of how events came to happen will explain her life much more than some fake pronouncement about her virtues. She may have precious little virtue, but we still seek to understand the great many deficiencies, her courage to overcome obstacles, and in the end we will celebrate her victories. When she finally understood what I plan on saying, she was grateful. Finally, for one moment, everyone will truly understand her.
There is power in truth, even to heal old wounds. Let it out. This online community supports you.
In February, I wrote a post called Truth Hurts, on my website lefthandedliving.com. Kind of funny, kind of serious, but definitely true:
http://www.lefthandedliving.com/2008/02/truth-hurts.html
Sorry, I screwed up the link
Truth Hurts
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