Dear Emm, Faithful follower of this blog- thank you!

This morn..lying in bed..listening, just listening to Kai as he moves around the house. He is up early, packing the last few items for the road trip which begins today..I am pressing his voice to my brain, and his movements to my soul. He is talking to the cats, gently separating them from their spat in his kind and thoughtful way. His voice is on the line with Liz; soft, reassuring, confident. He will be picking her up soon. I can barely remember the time when I let my sons go out the door without the black coat of fear engulfing me., I always had a healthy dose of mother's concerns lined up ...but now I know what can happen..what does happen to ordinary people, with ordinary lives, and I am flooded with fears. I attempt to etch his eyes into mine, so that I will be able to conjure them up if need be. I am joyous and fretful at the same time. And then I am whisked back in time to that very same feeling. A newborn comes wrapped in a soft, white blanket. His fingers fold around mine. He looks into my eyes...and I recognize this...this joyous, fretfullness of being a mother and knowing so deeply that life will somehow never again be the same.

I return to the house and find his note...there is always a note. He tells Caleb to enjoy snowboarding..he is at his purest on the slopes ...and that he will heal. He tells Max to do something which makes him smile each day-the only thing worth doing. He tells me to remember to breathe in the winter air. There is nothing like it . He tells me to keep us together in thought- we are all we have.
And he reminds me that he will be back home just as the bravest of the greens begin to emerge.


God speed, my son.

I am sorry if I offended any one of you out there reading my last post.. In this writing I only ever speak of my experiences..not what others have . I am only sad I never had the experience of having a partner who was as involved as you men who join me here.


This is a busy week of packing..we leave on Sunday for Portsmouth. Max's kitty goes back home in a day or so, and it looks like Kai and Liz will be heading out in their adorable little home on wheels by Wed. I am excited about the possibilities for all of us.

In my office where I sit to commune with you, there is a picture that my friend Claus took of me right after my separation from Jan. Claus had a huge circular opening between one room and another, and I sit perched in that opening looking like I am a little bird ready to take flight. I can tell you that this is just how I feel now..ready to leap off into the unknown, knowing that I am doing the right thing. A little afraid, but certain I will be richer for the experience. This change will be so good for the two of us and I will keep you posted on how we do.

The field for flowers is prepared for it's planting when I return, and the promise of change is in the air. I am content for the very first time in a very long time!

I don't have grandchildren, but Max and Lara have allowed me to take care of their new kitten, Pancake, for the weekend, which I feel must be the next best thing. I follow his every move. Watch his wiskers catch the cobwebs I thought I had sucked up in every corner with the vacuum, check to see if our big boof is picking on him, scold Spud when he gets too near, and follow the ups and downs of his breath as he sleeps. Once a mother, always a mother!
So I have been examining myself a bit lately. I had dinner with an old boyfriend - who has followed the blog and wanted to touch base. A stellar man to say the least...and I was self conscious to say the least. I remember standing in his kitchen, in my tight long dress..showing off my perfict figure, my fine tuned body from the many hard core workouts I was accustomed to. Now I am at least 20 pounds overweigt from the stress accumulated over 3 years, I have boobs for Gods sake and lines streaked across my face that were never there before...and in truth? ... I feel more certain, more me, more beautiful (inside) than I have ever before felt-- because I know , finally, who I am. I am a woman who knows love, and knows how to love, and knows how to "feel". This situation allows for re- assesement of priorities. It is like with the kitten. We women are the caregivers of the world. We watch your every move, watch as you collect troubles and get weighed down, see if you are safe, and sneak into your room at night, or role over to see if your breathing is ...to see if your breating IS! Sleep peacefully, knowing that the women in your life take care of you!

Well this mother could not be happier...I have been smiling inside and out for the past few days. Caleb, Kai, Cedar and Ennie went snow boarding on Friday. We were all anticipating that Caleb would have trouble and would be limited to the bunny slopes...but he was having none of that. Kai reports that at the top of the mountain, seconds after hopping off the lift, Caleb snapped into his board and took off with an anxious Cedar, Kai, and Ennie trailing behind and trying to catch up. When Kai said
" Caleb, it looks as tho you have never been away from the mountain, you board exactly the same way"..a confident Caleb replied " I was born for this!" I could only watch this senario from the window of my mind, but what an glorious sight I have pictured there. It is one of the first times that I truely believed that we will soar from here on out!
I am making my packing list for our move to Portsmouth. Susan( Blogger from Portsmouth) has contacted me, and I will look her up to get the layout of the town, and perhaps have a friend to hang with, but high up on the list of packing items will be Caleb's board. This turn of events has made life seem bearable again, easier, lighter....and I am grateful today for all that I have...I get that sneaking feeling that we will all be fine.
Thank you for being with us, as always ..mumsie

Sorry to be so tardy- but I have been busy moving forward. Caleb and I have checked out a day program in NH..Portsmouth to be exact..and we will be moving there in February so that he can be with his tribe..and snow board on week-ends , and I will be attending care-givers meetings, so I will be with my new tribe as well.
I spoke to a woman who has worked in the field of brain inury for quite some time now, and she tells me of parents who, 20 years later are still stuck in such pain over the accident of their child, or loved one...and I am determined not to be one of these people- tho I do understand how it is that I could easily become morose over this situation... and I do not blame those who cannot move in a different direction. I just don't want this to be my path.
Our lives have now changed so dramatically, and I am thinking about how failure, in any situation, seems to strip away the unessential...and makes you focus on what it is that you do want. Somehow, not protecting my child from harms way wreaks of failure, but I am determined to walk out of this hell hole in one piece.....a changed, and different woman who loves in spite of pain, in spite of fear, in spite of dissapointment..and one who moves forward because her son bekons forth.