Seawall Maine Last Weekend

Judith here and I have a couple pictures that I'm sure the fam would love you to see.




Please excuse the clarity, but I kept forgetting the camera. So this is on my phone. A great time was had by all, and they shoved off to Nova Scotia smiling and ready for the drive.

The living room is piled high with camping gear, and we are geared up for a road trip. As I sat all too briefly with yet another blogger and listened to her story of how she discovered us and her compassion in following along, I thought to myself - what a great gift to return home to - hearing all your stories of how you first were made aware of Caleb and what compelled you to stay by our sides...please don't feel as tho your words will not sounds as good as the person posting before you - to me it matters!
If I am ever to write a story about this - it must be your story too! Thank you my fellow travelers.

There is a piano lyric which wafts through the house late at night while I am trying to sleep and he cannot. It is both melodious and melancholy at once. It is coming from somewhere deep down in his soft, flannel heart..both warm and tattered . Max plays it...but it plays our heartstrings as well, and echoes how Kai and I feel . We have days filled with lovely occurances, nurses here, friends dropping by, dinner with Sarah.....but at night when the world hushes to a close and whispers are heard throughout, we are trying to soothe our fears and confine them to ourselves...but our eyes give it away, and Max's music grinds us to a halt and brings us back to a gauntlet of emotions. I tell myself that a new breath is only a breath away.....
we continue to connect, and in doing so, we feel sane, but sanity is only as strong as our interpretation of it...and I worry night and day about how we really are doing.
Caleb is continuing to improve. He has more clarity, more memory, more reasoning. We are excited to travel together. This Friday we voyage as far as Bar Harbor with Judith, Timmy and Ethan joining us for the first leg of the trip. From there we will pass to St John's in Canada for an overnight, then on to Nova Scotia. We need to be away from the phone, the bills, the commotion.
Traveling together is what we have been doing our whole lives on so many levels...we wend ourselves forward once again.

A generous thank you to all who donated to Caleb's rehab- we have been so happy with our new friends who work so hard and give their undivided care for Leb. The walk is along the Canal on September 6th if any of you care to join us.

We are expecting Caleb's nurses again this weekend and have more adventures planned for that visit.

On the 22nd the boys and I are packing up and taking a road trip to Nova Scotia where Jan purchased coastal land some 35 years ago as a young student and surfer, interested in finding a place to hang. I camped there once when Caleb was 2 and have not been back since. This is a badly needed respite from the "norm" and we anticipate climbing into the truck and heading out into uncharted territories. As is our usual way of travel, not much in the way of planning has occured..we just jump in and go and see where the road leads us with only a general idea of which highway to take, and a map which usually gets lost in the shuffle , or in the translation; whichever occurs first. Like a band of gypsies..off we go at sunrise and we follow instincts, or we follow nothing at all, depending on the day. It has always been our way and often we will share a laugh about how we got to a place simply by coincidence, and it undoubtedly turned out to be one of our favorite memories. So here we go again. I cannot say what this means to me- sitting under the stars with a crackling fire feels like home to me. We are comforted by the dark and cherish the quiet and adore the occasional bug in our cup . Bundled up, a bit worn, and tired, out of our comfort zone and at home whever we land is what I have loved best about my time with the boys when we are traveling together. The night skies, the cricket saranade, the certanty that someone is sitting across from you in the blaze , smiling back, even if they cannot be seen......... with the indistinguishable feeling of acceptance for what is.....is staggering.

Capt. Caleb

Once again Caleb has inspired other's to take up arms, pick up swords and knives, and to march....
He has been chosen to Captain the march for RHCI, the facility which has been responsible for his healing where he received great care from his loving Occupational therapist, his physical therapist team and his loyal Speech therapist, all who are angels walking on the face of this Earth in my estimation. This is their annual fundraiser...a walk along the canal, with Caleb leading the procession this year...and of course, pirates is the theme.
So now is the time where all of you who have ever asked what it was that they could do - and I said..I'll let you know--- can help. We are trying to get pledges. If you can help please send any amount that you are comfortable with to me at Rr2 Long Pond Rd Wellfleet, Ma02667 checks payable to RHCI....... and I thank you with all my heart.
( we have 4000 plus readers each week according to my site meter - if you can each spare a dollar for this cause - we will raise $4000.00)

It is dusk, and the night white flowers finally have their say, and with dignity and a silent presence they shine under the night sky and perhaps look more beautiful than their colorful counterparts.
So it is with Caleb. In his purity and innocense, he is more beautiful in a way than before and we watch him unfold and blossom before us. He is genuine; a naural beauty.

As many words and thought swirl around me, I am continually pulled back to one statement..." do what it is that you fear the most". For me that would be to abandon the role of caregiver; the be it all kind of mother..to dump it all and just be with Caleb.....to step back from my life as I knew it (work, work, work) to travel and to walk the walk with him - wherever that might lead me, and to whatever lengths that might take us. If I knew that I had but just one year- or one month- it is what I would do in a heartbeat...so why the hesitation? Life does get in the way - or we let life get in the way of what it is that our heart so clearly speaks to us...subtly at times - and shouting at us at others ....... if we allow ourselves the slightest of hesitations, we always hear more clearly what it is that calls to us!
I am trying to penetrate the voice of "me". I have determined that I will try to take this time for Caleb while he is healing. I am waiting for guidance, who I am certain is hanging out at the next block up the way and I am peacefully planning my next move.
Life is too short - I keep telling and telling myself that- but it is time to change that mode from words into action.
We are holding up well/ the boys are doing fine with all of our changes/ they are all turning into white flowers.

Who I was before, I cannot recall. I have morphed into a new mother, a new woman, a new identity. I am lost in the fog as tho I am suddenly under witness protection , I have lost who it was I was before and I have become someone new who even I don't recognize and cannot at times find that I respond to my new real name.

This is tough..juggling a new born child at age 54, and children who are craving after their father with no guidance from the mother who is just barely holding it together enough to pay the bills and put meals on the table. This is a process, and one that I know we will pass through , but really, I have not had such a challenge ever in my life before.
Feelings come and go - and wash over me like soap bubbles that blow up to super size and make me laugh and then quickly pop and make me sink into dispair. I know that well intentioned people want us to move through this faster, but it will not happen at their pace, only ours...and I am sad to say that I, for one, have always been a slow learner.
My sister and I had a tandem yard sale this past week-end......at one point after hauling numerous boxes to and fro, she paused to examine her hand, and eeeeked out - damn - I broke a nail...at which point, I examined my fingers and thought to myself...I wish I had a nail to break.....and so isn't it how it goes. What one person has and cherishes...another views lustily and wishes it was hers. Are we always in this state of wanting -- or will there ever be a time when acceptance is accepted. Will there ever be a day when I will be happy with what is rather than what it is I want? Time is a timetable now.. and only time will tell.