On the fourth of July, 2007 Caleb Potter was involved in a skateboarding accident.
He suffered serious injuries and continues to need all of our positive thoughts and prayers.
This blog is to serve as a space for updates on Caleb's journey of recovery.

Friday, March 7, 2008

Negitivi-tah

I ran into my negativity at The Marketplace the other day - that is what my good friend El would claim always happens in a small town. This bumping up against pain is a constant reminder of how very important it is to right the wrong.
Since Caleb's accident, I have found it all so important to start picturing the opposite of what I have been dwelling on, the flip side, the mirrored image. It has been his gift to me.

Betrayal is such an ugly word, one that corsets you to another till the strings tighten and twist, strangling both of you like a couple of bad ass snakes who won't give up till they both perish. I have been one of those snakes. The particulars are not what's important- the story of now - is! When I am able to stand back and scutinize this situation, I realize that the people in your life who seemingly give you the hardest times are your guides in growth and they are to be thanked and blessed. It does not mean that you have to like what they did, but you must accept that the two of you created the situation together- and together is how you will stay until one of you lets loose of the grip, un-coils and forgives.
My story has the same title that so many others have..the headline does not very much....what you choose to do with it does. When I bumped up against my hurt the other day, I realized that in fact I no longer hurt because I was deciding that above everything else in this world, nothing was more important then that I be happy.
Caleb is broken and confused and still I feel that it is our priveledge to be shown this through him...we must be happy because in doing so we believe in him. We believe he will get better, we believe he will laugh again out loud, we believe that he is the creator of his own destiny and that he can do anything he needs to do . We believe that he will walk the walk with us and that we will each follow our path the very best we can..but we will be holding eachother so tenderly, so lovingly as if to say......
"we know a different kind of life from here on....."

47 comments:

Anonymous said...

sharyn, thank you so much for sharing your growth process with us.
i am growing too, i have been at a high rate of speed since i met you and your boy thru this site last year.
you sound so powerful when you write but i know that there is still so much hurt that you are working thru. you are strong to even recognize what you are up against.... let alone work on it so well.
caleb will be fine and we are all learning from his recovery. we have learned what is important to each of us. happiness.
we work thru the pain and hard times that are thrown our way... i know i was dealt a really crappy hand in life up till a few years ago and now that i am experiencing happiness and fulfillment.... i dont want to let it go... ever!

thank you again for your words... i check this site several times a day during work days just to see what is happening, who has written a blog, who has replied to it.
thank you ALL who participate... because you are ALL participating in my recovery too.
love, peace and prayers from
amy in ct

Christa said...

Hey Sharyn~ It's good to see you writing and letting it out. I am so impressed withyour strength and you have no idea how you change my way of thinking on any given day. And to sweet Jenny...you are powerful and you make it sound so easy! Cheers to you girl!

I honestly think that sometime down the road you should consider writing a book of sorts regarding this journey that you have allowed us to go on with you. You have a skill for writing and the back bone for truth...I am positive that there are hundreds of families and mothers that would see it as a will to survive and a promise of hope...not to give up and to believe in miricals and the power of love and ambition! Just an idea...Just think of the $ that would help Caleb's fund not to mention the insperation it would further provide.

Happy almost Spring and I wish we could get up there to meet you all...someday soon!

Love and peace always,

Christa
Wilmington, NC

Grace said...

Hi sharyn, it is the happiness that we can surround leb with that'l help us all. I have not yet been in such a painful place as you are right now, but if and when i ever do. i'll remember your courage and kindness throughout these days of suffering, loving, and accepting. I look to your words for guidance as i have done with caleb in the past. Knowing that he plays a role in who you are everyday, Even more so now than ever before. I'd love to have a glass of wine with you one of these warming evenings to come. Love grace

Anonymous said...

I am a regular blogger, but because of the subject today I am anonymous...

I ran into my negativity at The Marketplace the other day...BEEN THERE Sharyn.
So far my husband and I have stayed together and are trying to get past the hurt. BUT when I run into "the negativity" it really sucks. You are going along having a good day, feeling good about yourself, and then (((SMACK))). The smurk, the look, the above all atittude the she has no right to have can really bring you down.
She doesn't know us, she doesn't know how much we have grown from the experience, she doesn't know...

You have done so much for me Sharyn. I visualize the positive now because of you. The mind is a terrible thing in all honesty unless you take control over it.
Negativity brings you down if you let it, but if you stay positive you won't go crazy.

Thank you.

Anonymous said...

I'm another daily blogger becoming anonymous just for today - after reading the previous anonymous I find myself confused. The post implies that the negativity you encountered is another woman!? I initially thought that perhaps someone had been unkind to Caleb, that your discomfort or pain in the Marketplace had to do with Caleb. Did I misunderstand your post? That information would really help my response. Thanks, Sharyn.

Anonymous said...

Hi Sharyn,
I remember reading in a posting of yours quite a ways back that you had come to terms with and better understood your divorce and the presence of another woman in your life, since Caleb's accident, and you had learned to forgive and move on. So today's posting of yours must not be about that. Was Caleb the brunt of someone's callousness? If so, let that go, too. Wishing you all a beautiful spring day with the sounds of robins and cardinals and the colors of tiny crocuses opening to the sun.

Anonymous said...

I once paid way too much for a day planner I bought for a school fundraiser...just a cheaply printed, plastic coated thing. But I loved the the words on the cover - HAPPINESS IS A FORM OF GRATITUDE. By being grateful for our own pile of troubles; laughing at what we can, keeping our chins up, forgiving ourselves, forgiving each other - how else can we get thru.

Wishing a warm, here-comes-spring kind of day to everyone. The birds were singing this morning for the first time in a long time! A happy sound!

Anonymous said...

IF I were there I'd put my arms around you and give you a big hug! Since I'm home, here in W MA, please know that I am sending you the biggest cosmic bear hug I can.

You so humble me, and fill me with gratitude for sharing your experiences. This is SO important for folks to see that there is LIGHT at the end of the tunnel...albeit, some days it's easier to see than others. You are seeing things in such a beautiful, insightful way...I can see that you are "filled" and that when you come across "old patterns" you are able to see a new reality...a new conscience has taken over. It doesn't ignore the old hurt, resentment, it flows through it, above it, and recognizes it as something "different", like seeing it with new eyes, heart and soul, because you've realized that it doesn't occupy the same place in your heart. There is something much bigger taking place there. Love, gratitude, foregivess are healing words, they carry with them the essence of something almost magical..when we succomb to their "power" we are transformed.

From a catepillar to a beautiful butterfly...we should all be so lucky to be so transformed...

You are beautiful, and have touched my life Dear One. Thank you.

With Much Love and Gratitude,

Melinda

Anonymous said...

I think that the thoughts you wrote today are some of the most powerful I've read here. It doesn't matter who or what the negitivi-tah (hope I got that right) is nor do we have the right to know. It is your story and you choose how much you wish to disclose. What IS important is the way you are examining this negitivi-tah. It is amazingly bold and brave to look at the snake inside yourself rather than despairing and despising the snake outside of yourself of which you have no control. I struggle with the snake I can be. Sometimes I have the will and generosity to look it boldly in the eye and sometimes I do not. The snake holds many brutal yet beautiful truths which you are beginning to see. You are so right about who the teachers are in our lives and the gratitude we might feel -- at least once we get through the pain of the bite. You also point to a certain forgiveness, a humility of sorts and a hope that you can start again, this time with new eyes, a sharper focus,a fresh perspective. It makes a person lighter. It can help set you free. Caleb sees all. Keep the good work going.
Lesa

Anonymous said...

Sharyn,
It has ben awhile since I have ran into my negativity at the market place. I still hold alot of hurt...would rather not rub salt back into that wound. That's just how I am. Had someone do everything to make me a stressed out "b" for my son's wedding, because her son's wedding wasn't what she wanted, I warned and warned that I would not tolerate anyone interfering.....but......you know I find myself less stressed out, and much calmer. Point I guess is, I become like a mother lion when someone tries to mess with my family. They mean the world to me and no outsider has the right to mess with us. We all learn thru our life experiences whatever they may be. Each experience, good or bad makes us grow. I try not to dwell on the bad, and, cherish the good. Thank you for all the insight into your life. You are an amazing woman. Stay strong and concentrate on all of the wonderful things you, Caleb, and the rest of the family have done. Big hugs and much love come your way

Anonymous said...

Sharyn,

I came across something interesting while doing research for a project I have in school that might help Caleb in is recovery. It is thought that Ambien may activate receptions in the brain which are usually reserved for the neuro-transmitter gamma aminobutyric acid (GABA). Reseachers believe that brain injury may alter GABA receptors, causing regions of the brain to remain dormant. These researchers believe that Ambien can reverse this change by opening up the pathways to these areas. There are lots of studies on it and the results are really quite amazing. Check it out. Hang in there.

becky said...

Sharyn, I SOO got your message...WHAT you bumped into and what I believe it or not "bumped" into today is irrelevent. Again - you have struck a cord with me and I thank you. I pray that Caleb continues to heal. I am looking forward to the pics of the 4th of July parade!

Anonymous said...

Sharyn,

I am a fellow Fleetian, and have never before commented to one of your posts. But I have read all of them. I went to school with Caleb, he was a bit older than me, so I felt like I had this connection with him. I have always wanted to tell you that I think you are an amazing writer and that I look forward to seeing all of these entries in a book in the future. Mostly I just wanted to be yet another person to tell you what a powerful gift you have. And most days, when I read your blog it makes me relate what you are going through to my own life. I really appreciate your youthful spiritual perspective and you make me want to write more. So just like that, I started writing again. If you are helping each one of us this much just through a blog, I can't even imagine how lucky Caleb is to have you by his side. You are an inspirational woman. Please don't stop writing.

I also wanted to mention here that I read a book once, called 'The Dive From Clausen's Pier' and it really stood out to me. As open as I am to the fact that I am clearly an outsider in your situation, I drew some sililarities from the book to Caleb. I just wanted to mention it in case you had not read it before.

And of course, it goes without saying, my heart goes out to Caleb. I think about your family everyday. I am wishing you all the best.

Anonymous said...

Sharyn, my anonymous friend, if I was half the person you were then I'd be half way there.
Prayers for Caleb as always
Ali Manchester UK

Anonymous said...

Broken and confused. these words you write snapped me back to reality from a place inside where I think I still believe that Caleb will be good old caleb eventually. the few times I have seen him he seems a bit lost, a bit uncomfortable with this new self. I only hope his journey of healing brings the acceptance to be who he is NOW, and to try to let go of what may never be again. love and light...someone who cares

Lisa K. said...

Dear Sharyn,

I am so delighted to read your recognition that nothing is more important than your own happiness, because this frees you in a way you so deeply deserve. You are a woman of many gifts, which you have passed on to all three of your young men, not to mention so many of us who have yet to meet you in person. I am sorry that you have to run into pain at times as you run errands, but I am touched by what you do with it.

Thanks for your courage, insight and willingness to let us see both sides of the mirror. You're the best! Lisa K.

Anonymous said...

Sharyn,

Your courage gives us all the strength we need to look inside ourselves and to face our own demons. I have learned that it takes much less energy to love, to accept, than to hate, to hold a grudge...sometimes it is the mirror which holds the truth and when we see ourself mirrored out in the world, we may not like what we see. Good for you for examining your part in the mirror. You are an exemplary human being whose honesty and candor I admire greatly.

Audrey

Anonymous said...

This reminds me of the description of when floodgates are opened from a dam to move the silt and debris like was just done in the Grand Canyon--as the water moves, it drags more and debris with it....we have one pain and while we dwell on it(and who can't), it triggers off and drags other unfinished business and pain of years past along with it..we are human and it happens and working through it, processing it, learning from it, as you are doing, seems to be the way. Not an easy process, but a process. Hoping your thoughts can return to peaceful ones, more and more. We are all wishing that for you. "There is no way to peace. Peace is the way."--Thich Nhat Hanh

Anonymous said...

Sharyn-

I had a writing tutor who used to say the the most valuable lessons are the most expensive, so show it in your writing. You clearly have done that, and with style. We have all paid dearly in our own way for life lessons, and this past year for you is no exception. You said numerous times you would not trade it for anything but I know it must be grueling beyond words. I, we, are rooting for you, every day, so don't forget it, especially now.

Happiness; seems so trite to say it, so easy and obvious, yet so elusive for so many. Glad to know you have found it. Never let it go.

anon

Anonymous said...

Hi Sharyn,
When bad things happen to me, I tend to get bitter. I need to remind myself to be grateful and optimistic. It always helps me to hear from you and other people how to approach difficult situations with a more positive outlook. I think that's one of the reasons I like reading your blog. When you write about Caleb, I think he sounds like a great and fun guy, and it must be to a large extend because he's got you for a mom! Best wishes!

Jeff- in the Berkshires said...

Sharyn,
What power you have harnessed and you to wield it like a mighty machete against the thickets of your past.

How often do we revisit the source of hurt, either physically or emotionally, vowing to be victorious this time, only to come away exhausted and further bruised from the inner struggle. I admire your insight and ability to realize that in some of these situations the struggle against the opponent is no longer important to our happiness. The power of the past to continue to bruise us comes from our willingness to continue the battle. When we exercise our choice to walk away or to move on or to take the stand that something else is more important, to forgive ourselves and perhaps on some level the offender, the fangs of the serpent disappear like wisps of smoke.

I have said this before and am sure I will again. In your sharing of your journey you are very much the teacher. In bearing witness I see many threads that are of my journey and perhaps the common human journey and through your thoughts and actions I learn. You blaze the path and inspire.

Spring is in the air....even if there is still snow on the ground. Spring is all about hope, about new beginnings about growth. Peace on this rainy (but not snowy) night.

Kevin Scalley said...

Sharyn,

Well it sounds like you are in control of your feelings...Caleb, Kai and Max will all see this if no one else...They are the ones I know that matter most to you. Happiness is... Let that light shine the brightest of all.

Doors close and doors open. If I have my way when you walk in the Liquor Store you will only run into positivi-tay!

Kevin

Anonymous said...

Hi girlfriend,
What I used to say is, "You will always run into your problems at 5:00 at Lema's Market." That when it was Lema's, and those were my problems. Time changes soooo many things. Bless time! And if I am hearing you correctly, choosing love works every time...that would be my experience, too. Love, El

Anonymous said...

What an intense place to be right now. I admire you for your strength and wisdom.

Know that Caleb is laughing out loud in his mind. His only barrier now is physical. He will grow, rest, and recover in time. Patience is a virtue.

Anonymous said...

She still has eyes that see right through, but seldom looks anymore. She's tired of seeing. Present yourself or stop asking.

Anonymous said...

My dear Sharyn,

Not knowing (nor wanting to know) the details of your encounter, I will guess that fundamentally, it was a head-on collision with ignorance. I know a thing or two about that firsthand. I could tell you stories (and perhaps someday I will) that would make your toes curl... the highest and mightiest stalwarts of the snootiest imaginable community (imagine the anti-Fleet) exhibiting an unimaginable level of cruelty amidst a veil of civility and faux concern.

For what it's worth, I have two observations based on my own experience: 1) ignorance is truly just that... lack of knowledge or understanding. It can exist apart from education or sophistication or even good intentions (in retrospect I truly believe this); and 2) this hoary old saw is really true, at least sometimes: what goes around comes around. We are all humans and as such, we're vulnerable. This cuts two ways... it sounds like you've taken the high road... in time, that will come back to you. And as for your tormentor, the source of your pain... eventually that person's day will come. When it does, if there's any balance in this universe, they will be reminded in some tangible way of the pain they brought to your door this week.

Your resolve and your grace remain an inspiration to us all.

With love,

Jerry G

Anonymous said...

It has taken me 20 years to forgive all of my hurts, and let go of past mistakes...my family 'negativity gene' has been a dominant force, and a tough one to turn around. What made it so hard was that the hurt I bumped into was myself, every day. How does one forgive so many stupid mistakes?
How does one look back and not cringe with shame and embarrassment? What I have come to understand is that I am no longer the same person now that I was back then. With time has come the understanding of the reasons behind my self destructive behavior. With time has come happiness and a contentment with who I am now, and a large dose of forgiveness for the me that was then. Love for one's self is paramount in order to be able to feel love for others.
It is a long road, a rocky one and hard. But the end of the journey proves the value of the pain of self examination. Your words resonate with me on so many levels, Sharyn. Caleb has become a teacher and a guide for everyone , and your candor regarding this 'education' is greatly appreciated. In the end. we are all of us only human.....
I hold you both in my heart, and wish you peace and healing ....
As always, with hope ,
peg from PA

Anonymous said...

Sharyn,
That was a masterful writing. Another gift... thank you.
I want to give something of myself back. A few years ago something really bad and sad happened in my life, and the tragedy was further complicated by a separate ugly interaction with two women with whom I had been friends.
Now, I should say that I have always been a person who can easily get lost in pain and self doubt at such times...which doesn't help anything (but, it is what it is, as they say). However this time, late one night -just as I was slipping lnto the abyss of pain over this collateral incident with the two women- I had a thought. At first the thought seemed a little simplistic, but as I turned it around in my mind, I realized that it had profound implications for me. I thought, "My life is like a long train ride and I am more than half way through it. This pain is enormous and it will fill up alot of what is left. I can choose not to stay in this place with this enormous pain. I can choose instead to get back on the train that is my life and go on to the next stop and not look back."
When I had that insight it was if a light was turned on in my brain. It would be a new way of being for me...a way that had never occured to me before (it was probably born out of a hugh fear of the enormity of what I would otherwise feel. ). The next moment I pushed all thoughts of those two women from my mind, and chose to move on to the next station. I never looked back.
Sometimes I run into one of the women in the Marketplace...I use a different aisle.

Best to you. Gail

p.s. I am not suggesting that this applies to your situation. It is really just to share.

Anonymous said...

people who give off negative...that's their flow of energy and it's too bad. people who judge....that's their way of doling out the feelings they have for themselves and their lives. and it's too bad. i can only hope my good, and your good, sharyn, can help their bad in some way through the flow of energy through the universe.

Anonymous said...

We all have demons that continue to aggravate us in one way or another through the years. Don't dwell on them, smile and kick them out! Smile that beautiful smile and the whole world will smile with you!

Anonymous said...

WOW! I GET AS MUCH OUT OF ALL OF THESE COMMENTS AS I DO FROM THE ORIGINAL POSTS. THIS IS ONE PROFOUND CIRCLE OF VIRTUAL FRIENDS!! THANKS TO ALL OF YOU.

Anonymous said...

Sharyn, This is why were given the gift of the smile. If we all took in the negativity that can corset you from anywhere, we could never, never smile. So when it hits, breath in, turn on those boots, move on and smile.............
Some people are here only for the thrill of the ride, others for
the absolute.
love kolleen

Anonymous said...

Dear Sharyn,
We teach people how to treat us...and with your smile and red lipstick, you're teaching positive energy...and it cancels out the negativity. Just keep smiling!

Anonymous said...

Sharyn,

Your words are so honest, courageous and powerful.

Being human, it takes time, sometimes so much time, to get to that place where you can loosen the grip that you speak of. But after releasing that tight grip, one feels so free, so much lighter...

Enjoy the lightness you feel, Sharyn, and let the other one just be...it doesn't matter which road they choose; it only matters which road you have chosen for yourself.

I strongly believe in that old adage that Jerry G. speaks of, "what goes around comes around". And even if you were to consider nothing else in your life, only consider the love and support that comes to you through the kind words, thoughts and wishes from all who post here, I believe it speaks to your own character and grace to see what is coming back around to you over these past months.

Sending you positive energy,

DD
North Eastham

Anonymous said...

Hey hott Mamita..
Just wanted to say I love you. Living in such a small town is bound to bring bouts of discomfort, but Fleet is also full of wonderful people to help pick you up when you are sad, down, and lost. Look to those peeps, and do something GOOD for yourself.
Have a blessed weekend..
Besos.. Clance.

Anonymous said...

Jeff-in-the-Berkshires,
Your writings are wisdom wrapped in poetry inside tenderness and respect.
RCL in DC

Anonymous said...

Sharyn- I'm so glad that you are back as eloquent as ever. I think that one day your entire blog will be published. You are such an amazing, strong, grounded woman. I don't know what negativity you came up against at the now Wellfleet Market Place (aka Lemos) but I guess it's a learning experience in humanity and their shortcomings. People will always have "foot in mouth disease", but I know that you can rise above it. Caleb has so many people pulling for him, sending him much light and love and positive thoughts, I think this outnumbers the thougtless, uninformed, unenlightened people out there. You keep being your beautiful, hopeful, light self and taking care of that beautiful soul, Caleb. He is in such good hands. I can't wait to come up on Memorial Day Weekend and drink that bottle of wine with you and toast the amazing boy that is truly your apple!!! I love you.
Debbie (OneEyed)!!!

Susanna said...

I know what you mean. In a tiny town like ours if you have any kind of problem with someone you will still see them regularly. When I lived in the big city if I had a problem with someone I never had to see them again, ever. I could just chose not to, but when I moved here I realized I would keep bumping into people over and over again, like it or not.Knowing you I don't think the negativity was your negativity, so let it go. If possible. Yes, he is changed and it is a result of his life but I think it is better to be alive than not and I think Caleb is going to rise to this situation and prevail.

Anonymous said...

someone once said, "we try to forgive those who have wronged us but we never learn to forgive the people we've wronged"...that's been my recent journey and it's difficult, but it feels so good...

Jeff- in the Berkshires said...

QUOTE: "someone once said, "we try to forgive those who have wronged us but we never learn to forgive the people we've wronged"...

WOW.......how profound....this is definitely something to chew on.

Thanks!

How often does the weight of unresolved guilt keep us from moving on?

Anonymous said...

Sharyn -As a part time dweller in Wellfleet I understand the dynamics of those who create the Negativi-tah. And my observation is those who spread it are afraid to lose control of something or someone they neither "own" nor understand. What helped me in the past was my knowledge that those I cared about cared about me - tenderly.

I have only left a few comments on your blog, but this one will be "anonymous."

I admire your courage to examine the demons you encounter, and encourage you to turn your writing into a book. You have the power to help so many people face their fears and challenges.

I wait for the summer day that Caleb gives me his big smile over a cup of self-serve coffee.

Anonymous said...

Dear Sharyn,

There are those "snakes" out there who know exactly when to strike and that is when you/we are in our most vulnerable state.

The words of wisdom and compassion in this blog are amazing. We are all in therapy!!!!!!! At least you are still confronting your pain and didn't run away from it like I tried to do a long time ago. The pain is still there and I am just touching on beginning to deal with it-----and so it goes.
Thanks to you and your honesty and
integrity. I thought of being anonymous but what the heck.

Peace and happiness and of course love, to you all. Penny on St.John

Anonymous said...

I am an often blogger but for this I am choosing to be unnamed.

Today I took part in a very moving experience and you all were included.

The church community that I attend has refinished a floor for the purpose of painting a labyrinth, which very briefly is a marked path for spiritual meditation. As it was being laid out there was an opportunity to write prayers, wishes, special thoughts or name special people along the borders of the path. These borders will be painted and the special thoughts will forever be part of the prayer and meditation in this space.

Included is a prayer for Caleb, for healing and for long happy prosperous life. Also for Sharyn and the Potter / Lindsay clan and for this blog community as a whole [those who write and those who don't} and as many individuals as I could remember.

As I wrote each one the experience brought more than one tear. The caring and sharing that takes place here is so special.

Anonymous said...

My prayer for caleb and your family extends itself to all who pray with us , all those who are suffering, and all those who have yet to accept that sometimes the mystery is unfolding in ways beyond our knowing. peace ann m

Anonymous said...

Sharyn,
I love the way you get us thinking,
& writing, and the blog goes on for days, almost taking on a life of its own. I join you in questioning and rethinking old ways, in seeking positive energy. Thank-you.

Hope you all got out to enjoy the long hours of sunshine today... a little cold for working in the garden, but I puttered for awhile.

Wishing you & Caleb happiness and healing in the new week ahead,
janet

Deborah said...

Sharyn,
So very glad to read that Caleb is out walking in the beautiful healing surround that is Wellfleet, Cape Cod, MA. That he is telling jokes is a wonderful thing to hear.
The movie you referred to is Parenthood - one of my favorites. Surely, when the roller coaster hits botton, it is nothing anyone would choose to experience, but it seems like your grace, love and dignity have pulled you back up to the parts of that ride of life where you can enjoy the beauty of life with your precious sons as they are at this moment in time.
Wishing all good things for you, Caleb, Kai and Max. D&P Antinori

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