There is not a night that... I sleep through...... without crying.....
There is not a night that .....I lie awake ....without hope!

"Be like the bird who, pausing in her flight awhile on boughs too slight, feels them give way beneath her, and yet sings, knowing she has wings."
That passage has helped me so very much while I tred on boughs too slight. Thank you.


I ran yet another successful fundraiser, this time for Mass Appeal (a free clothing shop in town, run by extraordinary women) You can read all about it on Sandy Grabbe's chezsven blog. Scroll down to Sat. May 7th.

I think a pattern is emerging...I soak myself with projects just to keep my mind free and occupied from my reality, and then when it is over I am faced with what it is I do not wish to see. I don't know how other care givers do it. It is an exhausting job, full of pitfalls and pain. Yet still in a days time Caleb will drop a quip that stops me in my tracks and causes pause of a good kind. Almost stops my heart to tell it truthfully.
Now I am heading up the Farmer's market to be pulled together by June, but this is something Caleb will be involved in...and the farming thing is deep in my blood..so there is a comfort to it.
I look forward to the day when I can say that I sing knowing I have wings. Not there yet- but looking forward to it.

The Art opening was wildly successful- beyond anything I could have made up. Not so much about the money involved, even tho Chris sold many paintings, Dede's art hangs at Sams deli now, and Caleb sold out...but because of the faces; the proud faces of those lovely artists involved.
I feel like I could put on a wedding now, or a banquet for 100 at least. It was so much work, and so much more than rewarding. And my feet were killing me by 9.
And yet like a wedding I would imagine, when all is done..there is a certain amount of let down, a what's next question that hangs in the air. I feel a bit blue nowadays wondering why, after all the glamor and excitement, I still wake with the same dread....and I still remember a life from the past....and Kai? did you see the face of Max on Easter Sunday studying the face of Caleb without his knowing that I was watching? A pensive, searching face...trying, I imaging to recall who his brother was before, and not quite being able to do so...in the same way that I search each and every day for the same thing. It is always this way now- pleasure mixed with absolute pain...and pain with absolute pleasure. It has changed our lives forever and a day, forever and a year, forever and a lifetime.

Art opening

I have spent the last two days hanging the art show for Caleb, and hanging my emotions out on the clothesline. I feel dried up! I teeter between cheers and tears at all times. Looking at his pre- injured art and what he can do now is a vivid picture of great accomplishment and at the same time a telling story of what is now. I am so proud to be doing this and so sad to be doing this! Will this be my life from now on?

Tracy is the owner of the gallery..a young woman who I met when I was young with children the age of hers now. We spoke slightly and delicately of the bond of women and fathers and their children...and she voiced the fears that all humans have- how to keep them safe! I don't want to tell her that there are forces beyond us that we cannot understand that collide and take us to places we do not want to visit. I wish for her that she will not ever visit the places I have been.
But here we are now...sad, lonely, happy, elated...so many mixed emotions which cannot be swallowed at once. Perhaps the last lines of the bio that I wrote for Caleb sums it up- His family wants you to go home and hug those who you love best as they now know so well how quickly life can shift.
And Caleb wants you to know that he is the "coolest Man on Earth" and that he needs a girlfriend.

Mark on calendar

Just want to remind all of you who said they would participate in the Potter's plunge to attend the plunge for Kevin Fitzgerald along with the Chatham firefighters (hope they are hot) on April 1st ..3:30 at Oyster Pond (Chatham). Kevin is a local kid who has a (treatable, they say) type of cancer and we wish him and his family the very best, and support them wholeheartedly. Caleb and I will be jumping! Hope to see you there.

Also...mark down April 16th as a reminder to attend the biggest event of all times. The celebration of the Brain injured and their art show/reception at Harmon Gallery here in Fleet... 5-7pm. I am wearing a gown just to give you an idea of the dress code. I am soooo excited about this. Caleb and Chris have been painting up a storm...and although Caleb is discouraged at times about his sudden lack of talent when before he could paint so easily, I still detect a grin when the paint brush is tucked back in the pot, and he pauses to observe his creation. The act alone is healing. Stay tuned to these pages because I have many surprises coming up... thanks for the loyalty to us. Sharyn and Caleb

I have not visited these pages for some time now. I slipped for awhile into a sad and lonely place only to re-emerge again stronger than before. I am setting my sights on either starting up a residential brain center here (somewhere on the Cape) or at least re-locating so that Caleb's life can be richer and more fulfilled. Memory is no stranger to him and he misses all the activities of his prior "life" and is basically just bored most of the time. Jenny came by and we cried through a good part of her visit..tho it was by all means a lovely connection, and to see her again was rich. I wish her peace.

The art show for brain injured will take place on April 16th if any of you can make it. Caleb has been painting flowers all week, and it is a gentle reminder that my gardens will be in full bloom very soon,looking like his paintings, and reminding me that just when life looks and feels like the dark of winter, a pinch of green strikes through to make me smile again.

One of the perks of not having lived through a tragedy must be sleep- a full night's uninterrupted. I get that phone call in my dream each night once, if not a hundred times, and suddenly I am racing down Long Pond Rd to get to Caleb. I race over and over again as if by trying it many times,I might possibly change the outcome on one of those trips.
Jan, I dream about, we walk, we talk, we ride the range of emotions ...I ask him why?
But most every night I hear Kai's voice loud and clear..Mom ( with the last M drawn out into a humming question...and now I wake fully, expecting to see him at the door, or holding on to the brass rail of the bed searching my eyes and waiting to tell me his sorrowful news. Who is it this time? Lizzie, Max, Lara, or himself?
This is the dredges of an accident happened. I think it the fear that resides in me. Once a tragedy happens, those who experience it know fully that it could strike again.

We are moving forward. I have been working with Caleb's new brain injured group, and it has become the sole purpose of my life. I was able to secure an art opening through the very lovely and generous Tracy Harmon of Harmon Gallery. The boys and De will produce art for their opening in April. We will be doing the Potter's plunge as our annual fundraiser. Since most of these accident victim's do not or cannot work, I feel obliged to find funds for them to enjoy their lives with. And our goal and intention has been set to move Caleb into an independent living situation before the year's end. This last sentence produces a lump in my throat so big that I cannot form words...but I know it is time for Caleb, and in truth, time for me to get on with my own life that has been put on hold for the past 3 years.
So most days are filled with smiles and hope, most days are lined up with goals for the future, most days are heavy on the positive;
but I am certain I will wake to the call of Kai again tonight around one.

Fundraising

Just wanted to follow up on all of you who donated to my young friend, either with kind words and thought ( which is more powerful than we can know) or those of you who were able to send checks. Through a mutual friend I was able to sneak a wrapped package into her Christmas tree with $800.00 cash in it...and then collected $1000.00 more which arrived after Christmas and was sent off to her by bank check. Thank you all so very much. You should now realize what I have learned...sending a card of admiration, sending a meaningful gift, sending anything off with anonymity and with no thought of a thank you in return is the best gift you will ever give! It is giving in it's purest form. Thank you helping me with this!

I have been inspired to concentrate my efforts and energy and will host an annual fundraiser to help my new group of brain injured. My desire is to help provide them with richer lives. The first annual Potter plunge will take place on April Fools day (in honor of Jan) at Long Pond. Hot chocolate and a warm stove to thaw out is to follow at my place. Anyone who wants to donate to the cause and to be honored for their efforts by jumping in with a Potter can join in. ( Max is wearing a wet suit he says).
Funds will go directly to my little team of 4 brain injured friends from Truro to Orleans. Caleb - injured in a skateboarding accident, Chris..an art student who fell down a flight of stairs, David; oxygen deprived from birth, Todd a famous bike racer who crashed. We will include my young lady friend when she is ready.
So dig out those musty old bathing suits...or not! We look forward to seeing you! Perhaps literally! Mark it on your calendars! I'll keep you posted.