Summer has caught me up in it's tremendous sweep of energy...and we have been occupied....and very much so in a good way.
Caleb seems to have greater depth of understanding each day, and his memory does continue to improve. He can remember the things which were important to him in his past, but can just as easily forget that he just ate breakfast a minute ago...it is as if he chooses to not clutter his already cluttered brain with unnecessary information. I think he is brilliant! I have been giving myself permission to change, and to not feel guilty about Caleb's life ....a not so easy thing to do for mother's who love. I am now concentrating on losing the mashed potato weight from Caleb's hospital days,...so Caleb and I are walking, biking and eating better. It is funny to me that in times of stress, we often slip away from those things which can so easily make us feel better--exercise for one...solitude for another... a walk in the woods, a dip in the pond, holding hands and silently gazing at the stars.
I am carefully picking out of the day the things that I want to do
The boys and I have a trip to Maine scheduled for the 8th of this month, and will be staying at a seaside rustic cabin, where kayaks will be our only distraction, aside from just being together. I am beginning to slowly re-learn to appreciate life in all it's wondrous glory..with all of it's questions and all of it's answers, with all of it's surprises and all of it's certanties, with all of it's ups and all of it's downs.
I look forward to looking back on this phase of my life with a renewed desire for life, knowing that it was born out of such tragedy, and knowing that the contrast has caused me to grow to higher heights. We are moving forward, somtimes at a snails pace and sometimes with a blast...but either way, I am more, than not concentrating on what I have instead of what I do not, and I am finding my way.

If in the telling of our story, we change the direction of it, the outcome of it, and the truth of it...then this is mine.
A few years shall pass and I will wake one day to a new life. Caleb will be independent and living with new friends who are challenged as he still is..but they are rich and full lives non the less. Perhaps he even has a love interest who makes him laugh and feel full inside against all bitter odds that he would even be here. Kai and Max are settled, each with the love of their lives, women who perceive their struggles and walk strongly beside them, with understanding and compassion. I even see smiles on their faces as they traverse their own destinies knowing that they are strong and capable from all the lessons that Caleb has taught. And I smile up at the stars one evening after I have tucked my grandchildren into bed, and I speak softly to Jan that all is well now, he can be peaceful and no longer afraid for us, because a woman walks among us who is now mighty in her convictions. She has faced the darkness ...and now holds the light in her trembling hands of love.

So life goes on - it is amazing how when my mother passed away I remember saying to myself " Why are all these people smiling? Don't they know my mum just died?" And this is how it is with Caleb...life goes on, and suddenly, I am expected to run with the crowd in spite of all that has happened. And that is no-one's fault - just how it is. So here we are..adjusting, re- adjusting and dealing with life as it is, not as it was. I am finally seeing someone to help me through all of this, and in spite of my concerns, she reassures me that yes, I am depressed, but no more so than any normal person would be under these circumstances...which is always a great relief, and brings on a big sigh....Ok.. I am OK...and I am finding a new path to traverse, instead of the old one, which no longer fits who it is that I have become.
Caleb is worried that he will never get better- he knows the difference between who he was and who he is now, and it pains him, and me as well, this difference. His friends no longer respond to phone calls, and they no longer drop by...they too have moved on. And it bothers me too, to think that in the past it would have been Caleb who would take the time out of a busy day to stop by a friends house who was sick, or down for the count, or just depressed .... but no-one comes to him. Perhaps it is his cross to bear--
But, as I said, life goes on...and right now there is a big thunder storm raging in Fleet..and I am in my leopard robe...and I am going to sprint to the pond and watch the lightning,butt naked in the pond, and witness the beauty of creation, and the rightness of life and all that it holds for all of us....and perhaps just for a split second, like the flash of lighting, I can forget that my mother is dead..that Jan took his life, that Caleb suffers, and I can know that I have a chance to look at things differently---and that I have a choice to choose a better thought, instead of playing the tapes that run in my head over and over again....perhaps it will be just simply ...............all is right in the world, in all of it's perfection.

Caleb and Crew at the July 4th parade

Famous Fourth

There is a warmth in this day..a stillness in the air..the Leylands do not sway in the breeze, but stand tall and proud, as if to salute. Today feels like "our" day. I can only ponder the person I was in these moments before the 2007 parade as I sit with my coffee and my cat to look out over the gardens, and try to remember. She is gone...but in her place stands a woman...who today will brush her teeth..wash her face...put on her best party dress, her favorite shade of red..and walk into the streets of "Fleet" as proud and tall as those Leylands stand........and Caleb and Kai will walk together as pirates, and scare the children, and throw candy and laugh.. and at some point Caleb will pause to kiss his Grandma..he will spot Aunt Carol with a grin......shout out a " hey ya Mama" to me, and throw out the Fleet handshake to Max ....and then I will remember that it does not matter who I was before...... today... we all walk!

Happy Fourth of July my dear friends!