Why is it that we insist on clinging to pain? We as humans, have been given free choice......do you understand how powerful this is? We can choose,..... and still, we insist on looking towards the pain instead of looking toward relief. We hug the hot kettle to ourselves so tightly!
I , once again climbed into bed next to Caleb the other night to tuck him in, and relayed how sorry I was that his life took on such a twist....and he looked at me with this incredulous look. His response......
" Why? , I am alive and I'm fine!"
So, It is me who holds us in a painful spot, a gilded cage of pain. I cannot let loose the bird who bekons forth freedom, who resides inside. He is my perfect gift...he attempts to teach me to let go and let live.
The drum roll of life is beginning to be heard in the backdrop of my head.....I feel a new chapter about to be written, and Caleb Kai and Max are the rich charachters who don the pages of my life, and keep me flipping the paper to get to the next tale. Like all of us fairytale people who walk this brief walk of life, I am insisting on a happy ending.

This was the way the stars fell when I first arrived. Father's day on Sunday, and then Me. The greatest gifts I have ever received in my lifetime, have been the spared life of Caleb, the continued, healthy lives of my other two boys ( well three, counting Timmy) , and the gift of loyal and loving friendship that I have received from all of you.
Life's path has taken me down a road I would wish on no other....but it has never been dull.
My emotions are so up and down and all around...but I am never tired.
Life has knocked me down a few times, but I am still in the ring.
In spite of all that has happened, I still catch myself stopping by a stream, admiring the beauty of a petal, pausing to watch a little girl in a party dress blow bubbles, listening for my father's voice in the wind....... knowing that my mother is still watching over me.

I keep looking for the thief who slid by my side, brushed my thigh and took what I knew was mine. But the human spirit, no matter what, always tries to right a wrong, tries to hit it right, and I am sufacing. Days fall back into dark velvet, painful nights ...but days still come...days still come, one after another, with a promise of yet better days to come. I am fine. Happy, in spite of all that has occured, and am fighting my way back to whatever it is that I will find.. I will land feet planted firmly in the soil, the rich earth that has sustained me from childhood, till now, and I will figure all of this out... God help me, I will figure this all out!

I sit alone most nights now, I polish off a bottle of wine and think about the past when all was good..I know that I should be happy that Caleb is alive, but I miss the old him so much..I cry myself to sleep and wake at 2 am till about 5. I remind myself, to no avail, that things could be worse....but I do not feel that the way I should.
I met a new aquaintance today at he swap with her beautiful, in tact son, and I was embarrassed to introduce Caleb, who before I would have delighted in..and would have been so proud of...and now, all I feel is lack! I think the newness of all of this is wearing off, and the stark truth is setteling in..and I am sad beyong belief! Do not instuct me to be counciled, I am beyond this... I will not check out - but I will feel this grief beyond measure, and hopefully, I will emerge a better, stronger person...It is all we could ever ask for...just to be stronger!

Trying to fit into my new world where old friends look at me with suspicious eyes and wonder why I am not spending my few moments free with them, instead of with seeminly stangers, is difficult at best......but while at MGH I read a wonderful little book written by Emily Post-- The book on grieving.. which focused on manners for the persons close to someone who had suffered loss..and I found myself fasinated with the subject ...
In many ways, we as a family feel we are grieving over the loss of someone we once knew - Caleb- still alive, but so very different from the boy we recognized heart to heart., eye to eye....the very same way our friends knew and recognized him. Our new friends only know him as he is now, and somehow this is a release, a comfort. No-one expects anything out of him who did not know him before, what they see--- is what they get! Emily wrote that friends will know that they may fall by the way side for awhile, we do not only not recognize Caleb, but we do not recognize our friends as well...we are now changed persons - our lives have transformed . Please forgive us -we still love all of you.

Today would have been Jan's 58th birthday..and as I tip a glass of wine to my lips in celelbration of his birth, his life, I want to impress on you the idea that once we are gone, we are gone. It is different now without him walking the face of this Earth. He is still with us, but not as plausable . I say why not live bigger than life while you are still here- what in Earth holds us back from becoming all that we should/ could be? Death.. whenever it comes, and however it happens,from this standpoint of view, is so very final.. Laugh, love, live, be still, be true, and love yourself...each of us is all that we are have! Be unique - stand out, be alive, be just who you are - it is the greatest gift you can give yourself...and in truth, the best gift you could ever offer up to someone else!