Sitting around the kitchen table, having a Kathleen chat over coffee. She tells me about her experience with her new puppy - she is a dog person- and this pup is her new love who, while out strolling, is hit by a lumber truck and nearly dies. It is months before it shows any signs of pulling through .. many dollars... but mostly the desiring spirit of the animal that makes her and the pup pulse to life .... Kathleen gives up her being, and waits, and sits, and waits, and sits and her pup comes back to her - but ...she says - this dog is not the one she had before-it is not recognizable ...
she has not had the time to grieve the pup- and now there is a dog she does not exactly recognize.... but it is hers and she knows that she loves it...it is built into her, but still - it is as if someone switched it up with another dog -this dog and the old one -- where is he- the one I knew?
As I am listening, I hear the echoes of an old dream, a remeberance of what was ... my Caleb and where is he now .. I too have traded in the familiar for the unknown...I love him, but he is not the same. I am but the squirrel in the road..vasilating ... should I run left --- no right...no left ....debating while in the throes of death . the rubber tire is bearing down on me. Our life is like this now ---trying to find safety .... the familiar...and all the while knowing that life changes at all turns.. and it must be accepted.
Kathleen says that when she could finally let go of the old and welcome the new...she felt relief, and could fall in love all over again. I am at this point..but it feels like a betrayal to let the old go and the new in ... yet I know in my heart that this is what I must do... but I am just the squirrel in the road.
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17 comments:
If you are a squirrel, you are certainly the loveliest I have ever seen.
Living in remembrance of what has gone is so easy and comforting...and though nothing in my life can compare to what you have gone through, I can guess at how hard it is for you to let go of such beloved memories. Your strength is exquisite.
love,
mia
how stunningly sad a thought
to think that you must let go of the past to embrace the future
i think of you so often and what you must be going thru
know in your heart that tho i cant really say anything that can help you... i can pray for you... and i do often.
thinking of you
amy in ct
Sharyn -
I wish we could be sitting together and dabbing at our eyes over this one......again, the mother in me relates to your words so powerfully, and tears well up - how do you say goodbye to the boy you knew to be your son.....here, my first thought is that I think maybe you DO somehow learn to live as that squirrel sometimes darting left, sometimes right. The goal is to survive.
I think that being the fierce and stubborn Mom that I am, and certainly know you are, I might refuse to put the "old Caleb" behind me......you loved him before he was even born, watched him grow into the sweet and special person he was until that awful day.....well, he HAS changed, I know he is different, but he is there, deep down somewhere, maybe not in a way that is apparent .....but I believe he is there....and I think learning how to live with the 2 Calebs, before and after -might be something more easily accepted -for a mother....
Sharym - I'm speaking my thoughts as a mother.....how i imagine I might be able to or NEED to mesh the two realities.....I just think that I might not be able to forget my boy before...nor would I want to.
I've seen you in action -
before my new pet related job, I worked for many years with people with special needs - adults and children...I watched and heard you speak with your son, and more importantly TOUCH your son.....you are right there with him...in a way only a "Mumsie" can be - I think you already HAVE bridged both worlds - both Calebs - it's the demons you're still battling....that mind and those thoughts and what if's that are SO hard to quiet -
I saw pure beauty between you and Caleb - it's there Sharyn - and i have faith that you will grow into what came so naturally to you - without even thinking.
Nancy - (body in NY - heart and spirit in Wellfleet)
I'll pray for your strength.
The old Caleb is still in there....that is what he is using to formulate the new Caleb he is to become..... a mix of the two....I do not believe you have to say goodbye to anything, as in letting go of old memories; even though some are painful beyond bearing they have made you who you are...an incredibly strong and resilient Mumsie.
I feel your sense of loss and I know how hard it is to come to terms with grief, but it does get better, as you know, even in the tiniest of increments...and so will Caleb.
I send my thoughts out to you every day in the hope that you are having a good day, which at times is the most for which we may ask.
And those thoughts always contain prayers for continued healing for dear Caleb, and for you, my friend.
As always, with hope,
peg from PA
Hi,
I received this in my email so I thought I would share it with all of you. Sometimes I am so concerned about how I think I will feel in the future, that I forget all I have at this moment today.
Looks like another beautiful day!
marcia
> THE DAILY MOTIVATOR
> Saturday, September 6, 2008
>
> Fulfillment now
> +++++++++++++++++++
>
> A beautiful, fulfilled life requires nothing more than what
> you already have. Fulfillment depends solely on your
> decision to accept and experience it, in the moment where
> you are.
>
> There are some achievements that may take a lifetime to
> reach. Yet at any point along the way, from the very moment
> you begin, you can know fulfillment.
>
> Reaching any goal is a matter of commitment, discipline,
> intention and effort. Fulfillment itself is immediate, for
> it is a matter of knowing that you are living true to your
> highest purpose.
>
> Do not become trapped by measuring success based on what
> you've already done or failed to do. Learn to see that
> success is entirely a function of how you are feeling and
> thinking and acting right now.
>
> Your past cannot hold you back and your future cannot
> intimidate you, unless you allow it. This moment has every
> possibility of being the most fulfilling time you've ever
> known.
>
> Your life is infinitely more wonderful than any possession
> or event or circumstance that you can imagine. And somewhere
> inside, you know it.
>
> Ralph Marston
>
>
............................................................................
> This is the Daily Motivator email edition.
> Copyright (C) 2008 Ralph S. Marston, Jr. All rights reserved.
> Visit The Daily Motivator web site at http://greatday.com for an archive
> of more than 3,000 daily messages, inspirational photos and more.
>
It seems to me that the Caleb from before had in him the Caleb who is now.This Caleb who feels wonderful things like "I am gonna make it" is the same Caleb in a slightly different form.We all evolve and change in time, in thirty years people will look at all of us and say, I can't believe that is the same person! But we will say, even if we are old and of diminished capacity that of course we are the same person. Just a little different. In your stories about Caleb I hear a lot that hasn't changed, his cheerful spirit, his spunk and determination.
Changing the subject, I am almost afraid to ask, but how is your little rooster?
Happy New Year's!! In with the new....
Hi Sharyn,
One of the things I miss since Caleb fell are the girls nights out you instigated. I know we can still do it without you but you were a driving force.
I recently looked online for a TBI support group source. After going on 10 yrs I finally think I need one. I didn't find what I was looking for but read some other stuff. Like what the injury causes, i.e. loss of self. I remember Todd saying for a long time, "I don't know who I am anymore." He may have been complaining but it sounded like he was stating aloud a new, strange fact about himself, over and over.
I kept his b.t.c. (befor the crash) self alive in my memory for a long time. I still bring him out and talk about the things he accomplished (he could make anything happen, if he wanted to, he had an underground well of drive, initiative, strength - like an artesian well that I just took for granted.) Anyway, we've adjusted, we'll adjust more. Every year is different. Humility and love and faith are what get us through (and the becoming much less frequent, on my part, temper tantrums). Together we're a not quite couple and socially that's hard, many things are hard, but I'm glad he's here, not gone like he could have been.
And you've had Jon on top of all else. What a terrible woundedness all around. I love you and your sons, pray for you and believe what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, trite but still true. Love will make its home in yours even larger than it's been in the past - I'm sure of this.
love,
miriam
Dear Sharyn,
For context, I have been following Caleb's story since his accident. We live up in Boston but have been in Wellfleet in August for the past 9 years. We find extraordinary peace there and feel a deep connection to the town and its people. We are saving every extra dollar we have to buy a home there one day. Since I became aware of Caleb, I have included him in my nightly prayers for healing and peace.
Many times I have thought about writing to you. In May 2006 our lives took a turn out of nowhere much like yours. Our then two year old daughter was diagnosed with a brain tumor and life as we knew it was over. She has remained stable since her diagnosis and so to date we have avoided chemo - which we will likely encounter at some point. But we are holding our breath from MRI to MRI, hoping for a miracle that makes this tumor disappear and whispering a silent prayer that nothing is worse from 3 months prior. Again, just context. I am not walking in your shoes exactly, but like many who offer you comments of support, we have both had the rug pulled out from under us while we were just skipping along pretending like the rest of the world does that we have some sense of control of our destinies.
I am writing today because your last several entries have resonated so much. It's this sense of recognizing the "before" and "after" that I feel in my own life and that I read from your eloquent postings. I am hearing a woman experiencing deep grief. Like me, I believe you are grieving for what you and Caleb have lost and you have lost and you should grieve those losses. As many have said to you here on this blog, Caleb "before" is a part of the "after" - his soul is his soul and that can never change. But the before is no longer. There is no way to deny it. DO you stay on the near side of the road or do you move across the street and be a part of today's reality. It's so hard when we want to cling to the "if only's" and the "I was supposed to be doing this's."
Grief is a strange and sometimes lengthy process that is unique to each of us. I hope you can be forgiving of yourself as you move through it. I think you are doing an amazing job. Caleb seems to be a very forgiving spirit. You can see it in the memories he recalls and in his attitude and his responses.
Sharyn, while you have been thrust into a highly atypical situation, you seems to be having a very appropriate and "normal" (whatever that means) response. We are lucky because we are surrounded by so many good people who are walking this journey with us. I have to say that it has been helpful for me to connect with others who are actually walking in my shoes. Other parents whose kids have received this diagnosis have really become the people who I go to when I feel like I dont know where to go. I feel certain that the rehab hospital where Caleb gets his continuing care could connect you with a like-minded soul. Believe me, I have never been to a support group and really am not into opening up to strangers, but somehow through these shared experiences, people just dont seem like strangers - but more like friends who you had the misfortune to meet :)
I need to thank you for opening yourself up to this community that has developed around you. You are such a gifted and beautiful writer. I hope this is the beginning of a wildly successful memoir so that some good can come from this tragedy. Your words have given me strength and while we have never met (although I saw you in the street but wanted to respect your privacy) I feel an unfortunate connection to you as two moms who wish that phone call never came and who are desperately trying to reconcile the before and the after.
Peaceful wishes for you and your family,
Risa
Dear Sharyn,
I have had a case of the quivers myself after your last couple of blogs and have felt really inadequate about what I could say that would be of any help to you; after all this is your reality and what would thoughtful little platitudes really do to assuage that?
But I can tell you that I pray for you everyday and your boys. And I know that even though you must all process your grief separately, you will also do it together as a family because you are a strong and devoted family. And I mostly pray that somewhere between what you remember and what you long for, and what is there will be a bridge over that road that will safely carry you into continued healing and acceptance.
With continued wishes for normalcy and peace---Jackie in NY
Dear Sharyn,
I have been so moved by your posts since the last time I have written on the blog. Though my words have not been around as much lately, please know my thoughts and prayers stay with you and Caleb each day. I am always so inspired and comforted by how you dive into life each day and let us swim with you as you face what the tide washes in. You are an extraordinary spirit and we ALL are blessed to have your example.
I would give so much to have the "perfect thing" to say on sad days or hard moments. So often other bloggers write beautiful thoughts that capture what I wish I could express. Other times, of course, we cannot find words, but send our love and energy to you, Caleb and the whole family. Sometimes I visualize a tangible energy that moves into your body or Caleb's. Other times I feel that energy within me because of you both, and it carries me forward.
A sense of truth moves through how you write, and a sense of honor moves through how you live. For "just a squirrel in the road" you are one amazing creature.
I hope each new morning brings you some new gift -- Caleb is so fortunate to have you. Love, Lisa K.
I started a post a few days ago and pulled it back. Few of us can fully relate to your experience or to where Caleb is. While we may try through the lenses of out varying experiences yours is unique. A few bloggers can and you are blessed with their wisdom and perspective.
In my way of thinking the squirrel knows it wants to get to the other side, the question is whether continuing on the path at that specific time will cause harm or be safe passage.
I think you will be ready to cross the road when you know in your heart that what is keeping you on this side is really no longer there.
Even had the accident not occurred life would have moved on and you would not be expecting to be living in a time warp of a year ago. Even in the best of situations life moves on.
The accident did happen and many things have improved and it sounds like you are facing the possibility there may be some permanent limitations and slowing of recovery.
There is no betrayal in accepting what is and working to the best within that. Perhaps it is also Caleb that needs you to be moving to the place across the street where the perspective is different and the view of new options are clearer.
In acceptance there is no abandonment of hope or turning your back on potential. But in acceptance there is kindness.
Sharyn, I send you good thoughts for a safe passage and for safe passage for Caleb, Kai and Max. You are all on a new journey that none of you are fully able to comprehend where you will end up. But know that we are all with you for the duration.
Jeff -
That is beautiful....
Sharyn - I hope your days lately have been busy and full.
Remember once, a long time ago, you wondered if many people really still cared - if this blog should just shut down??
I'm sure I'm not alone when I tell you that I check here every day - and I think of your family everyday.
Always know that we are here - sending our very special brand of light and love to you and your boys.....
Nancy in NY
To echo Nancyk4444, we ARE here, Sharyn. Not always commenting, but always reading. I, too, check the blog daily. Sometimes twice! And I'm sending you are your family positive thoughts throughout each day.
NY/Wellfleet Mom
I also echo that Nancy. Checking in every day has become a part of my daily regimen and I recognize the names of other bloggers and consider all of you friends; kindred spirits I guess. We're here as long as you want us to be, Sharyn.
Jackie in NY
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