It has been a good couple of days. I am finding I am able more to concentrate on what is rather than the what was of our lives, and we are making headway into a new place where we all reside more comfortably. Caleb's memory improves by increments, but it improves. He seems to be moving forward in other areas of healing with bigger steps now and I am getting an OT to come into the house to guide us. Till now, we all wanted to baby him (me mostly) and to make certain that we were keeping him healthy enough to just move forward...now we are beginning to see that a push phase is upon us.


Caleb's nurses return once again - for Oysterfest and Cedar's wedding is fast approaching...with Caleb as best man and Kai and Max as groomsmen. All of your fundraising efforts accumulated about $2,300.00 for RHCI - and because of rain we are scheduled to walk on Oct. 4th ( thank you to all) ..... So there is alot to concentrate on and to be happy about.

Kai and I had dreams about Jan last evening which for the first time were comforting rather than disturbing. He is ever present with the boys, I feel.... and watching over them.
I guess you could say that we are doing what all of the rest of you are doing...we are busy filiing in the hyphen between our birth date and deceased date on the tablet that represents a life.

The new Jonson and Johnson baby ad reads " when a baby is born..so is a mother." I just love that!

A Conversation

Taking a walk today with the ever fat Spudly dog and the impressive Caleb, we are rounding the corner and start down a hill.
At the bottom Caleb says.."that was fun"
And mom says Ya - we really started moving fast.
And Caleb says." .yes.... but I meant the sound..our footsteps were exactly the same all the way down..like two people and one sound"

We are climbing our way up and out of depression and are moving rapidly down the other side towards oneness...and I am finally getting the feeling that we will be fine!

Blessings to all of you.

a new day

I don't know how it is.. but I feel like today we have a new start - a new beginnig, my perspective has changed and I feel better. I remember when my boys were new to this Earth and for a couple of months they would refuse to sleep---- with number one it didn't matter so much - I could catch up on sleep when he napped during the day.. then son number two came along and the no sleep thing became bigger - then number three and the sleep deprivation seemed monumental and took me to the very brink.. to the breaking point --- and then it seemed as tho they somehow sensed it and would suddenly sleep through the night.. which of course created still more sleep dprivation, because now I was up all night wondering what was wrong.

Today feels like that - I am beyond - at least for today -- the worry stage and am finding my footing.
I miss Caleb - the Caleb who I have known for 25 years - who I grew up with , while he grew up by my side, who I lived with through my wild years and my married years, and cried with through my devastated years , and walked next to as a friend; who's hair I fluffed with my finger tips'' 'the boy who's eyes could penetrate mine and could see beyond what other's could see...

But today for some reason I am looking up instead of down and I am finding my footing in spite of not looking where I am going - and I feel better for just trusting!

Had a friend pop by tonight like a wonderfully, unexpected gift which appears on your table and brings with it a novel feeling...he caught me fresh out of the tub, wrapped in my leopard robe, and feeling still a bit drippy and vunerable...which was good because when he reminded me to stay in the present and not to give in to worry too much, if at all.... I was not in my usual guarded mind set...and I could "hear" him.
I recognized in his language what we all share.... this morose feeling of wanting to be separate - to know that "our troubles" are far worse than anyone else's troubles..no matter what they might be. We love to cling to the hot kettle, all the while that it is scalding us. Why don't we just let go? We like to feel important I guess, and if we can prove that we have it far worse than anyone else, well I guess that does the trick!
I have been suffering this week....but at this point I am aware of it, and being aware means that I have the power to exercise change over it ...and exorcise it!
Caleb continues to be my teacher. He remains steadfast, kind, positive, knowing, and complete.
I am honored to be his chosen mother.


It is a different household now without the "girls" We are down to one and I miss the constant female energy of Lizzy and Jennie. They are both doing so well in their new places in the city. I am most pleased to be getting to know the new kid on the block Lara.. she is a delight.

We are making our way through the fall with courage and I have an unequaled desire to be just like everyone else -- just normal---full of pains and misery at times and full of laughter and light at others.

what today brings

Sitting around the kitchen table, having a Kathleen chat over coffee. She tells me about her experience with her new puppy - she is a dog person- and this pup is her new love who, while out strolling, is hit by a lumber truck and nearly dies. It is months before it shows any signs of pulling through .. many dollars... but mostly the desiring spirit of the animal that makes her and the pup pulse to life .... Kathleen gives up her being, and waits, and sits, and waits, and sits and her pup comes back to her - but ...she says - this dog is not the one she had before-it is not recognizable ...
she has not had the time to grieve the pup- and now there is a dog she does not exactly recognize.... but it is hers and she knows that she loves it...it is built into her, but still - it is as if someone switched it up with another dog -this dog and the old one -- where is he- the one I knew?
As I am listening, I hear the echoes of an old dream, a remeberance of what was ... my Caleb and where is he now .. I too have traded in the familiar for the unknown...I love him, but he is not the same. I am but the squirrel in the road..vasilating ... should I run left --- no right...no left ....debating while in the throes of death . the rubber tire is bearing down on me. Our life is like this now ---trying to find safety .... the familiar...and all the while knowing that life changes at all turns.. and it must be accepted.
Kathleen says that when she could finally let go of the old and welcome the new...she felt relief, and could fall in love all over again. I am at this point..but it feels like a betrayal to let the old go and the new in ... yet I know in my heart that this is what I must do... but I am just the squirrel in the road.

I am just sooo miffed that I remain human.
We got word from Jenny today that with the help of those fab nurse friends of ours, she landed a job at MGH. The same floor Caleb was on, and one that she frequented like an old friend. We are so happy, Caleb and I, sitting at the kitchen table and listening to her excitement over the phone is like watching bubbles burst. Then the conversation ends and Caleb looks down and begins to quiver, as he will do on occasion.

Our conversation "Caleb - do you quake when you get emotionally charged?' "yes, I thinks so" is his response

"Does it upset you to know that Jennie is gone and no longer lives here"? Yes is his response.

I say " It makes me so sad..it breaks my heart...all that you have been through, all that has happened to you, and to watch you struggle with all of this. You are a 26 year old man and I know how difficult it must be to hang out with your mom all the time while life goes on around you."

"I know - I'm gonna make it tho"

So while I tend to look at the negative..he remains as always, positive. God love him!

home in fleet

We are back home! Our journey was just like a microcosm of life itself....sometimes it was fullfilling and whole, sometimes it was disjointed. It was damp and cloudy and our thoughts were congested, then the sun would break through and it was clear that all was right in the world. We traveled 2000 miles and we got it all- all the bumps in the road, along with all the benefits.

No trip is complete without it's dangers ..and we had ours ...at a darkened campsite in Nova Scotiaa at around two am, I woke to the sound of a bear in the campsite. I could not remember putting the fruit basket away and was certain he was drawn to the smell of ripe pears. I listened and assesed that he must be hangin in front of the truck, milling around...I called to Kai who was a few feet away. He too was awake and listening...then came the rustle of Max, equally concerned. Within moments - we were standing in our amoured underwear, Kai with his machette, Max with his bow knife, and me with no weapon at all, "cept" for a bra that I considered unsnapping to use as a slingshot, perched and ready like sentries on guard and in front of Caleb's tent.

We listened for what felt like an eternity , waiting for the charge, till we finally figured out that it was the sound of a very large man who was snoring in the tent across from us. But never was a mother so proud!

The scenery was breathtaking, the pause in our lives, necessary!
Our time together was not as it was in the past. Things have changed, and we were not willing to talk about it, but we were all privy to it, keenly aware. The laughter was strained, and a little too loud. The conversations were deep, but a little too distant..

Jenny is leaving for Boston tomorrw to resume a life which is badly needed. She has been a trooper throughout and I admire her for being with Caleb as long as she has...we wish her the best and bestow blessings....

I felt it on the way back - the overwhelming feeling that nothing had changed- we were coming home to the same situation and life would go on as before...the before in our new way. At one point Caleb leaned into me and said " Are we taking pops back with us ?' No honey, I whispered.
" But he was here a minute ago". Yes, Caleb - I am sure he was, I parleyed....and believed.
And in that metered moment I found I was envious of him..... for Caleb lives in a world where Jan is still with us, they both are fine and we are surrounding and adoring him....and we are all happy!
but Kai and Max and I live a different kind of life...one that will be dissimilar from this time forward --- we are home!


" Do not go where the path may lead, but go instead where there is no path,...and leave a trail."