Heart break

I have always known that I would die of heartache from about the time I was 20. When the doctors insist that I get checked for Breast lumps, I am certain that I will never experience that ...When I am asked politely for the third time to have a colonoscopy..I am incredulous..I know that I will need that never -but when I examine my marriage and realize how much I loved ...and was not loved back, I see that it is my heart that is in jeapordy........always was.

I believe it began with my father -the understanding that he understood me......and then I painfully realized that he did not.....or perhaps it was my the moment I recognized that my mother was more like me than I would ever want to believe that broke my heart....but I could not confess to her at that time, because she was long gone... I think we all know how it is that we will go..we know it with certainty......my heart will have one last sigh...and then it will give up on me, in spite of my wanting to linger...and it will join the unknown. I try not to worry all the way home.

Caleb continues to inspire.. he is so simplistic in his approach...... he continues to love as a poet, as a lover, or as a man who has lost everything and has to search for a new way....he follows his path...and I, like a little dog who is learning how to belong...I faithfully follow ....and learn as I go .

I was at the Market place today, standing in line behind a lovely woman and her adorable daughter...and the woman paying for
her goods. The little girl could not resist..she reached out and hugged...a big bear hug wrapped around the woman in front of her. The mother so quickly reprimanded her little girl...and bang..there it was...the beginning of closing her daughter down to her perfect instincts. I had just been conversing with the hugged woman moments before...she has gone through some serious troubles as of late; had gone on line, of all things to conjure up her own kidney transplant to save her own life, had suffered through a family members suicide, and was feeling very low to say the least. The little girl knew exactly what she was doing, her instincts; right on! No blame here...but we do tend to close ourselves down to pain...and teach our children to do the same , really without knowing it. I am no exception. I remember with shame, when a friend of mine could not shake depression, and I got to the point where I would simply not listen to her any longer. At what point is it that we decide that we must move on, perhaps in an attempt for self preservation, ... but only to find ourselves hardened and cold inside because we can no longer feel?
I walked past her, that little girl, leaned down, looked her in the eye, and told her how proud I was of her for hugging a complete stranger...and that my dears, is what you do for me. Thank you.

I'm feeling a bit like yeast lately...the kind you measure into a bowl and add warm water..the kind that is alive, growing, changing. Life now has taken on a different quality and along with the promise of fall comes the promise that we go on as well. We are different now..Kai, Max and I...and I am feeling deep into my soul where a certain understanding has moved over me ...like a cloud covering the sun for a bit....we cannot go back, we cannot go back. Forward is the only way now. I want Caleb back..I want to feel my heart lighten as he drives up the drive with clam baskets in hand and a smile in his heart. I do believe it takes this long ( or perhaps I am a slow learner) to realize in the depths of one's being that no matter what you do, no matter what you say, no matter how many promises to God you can make...your son is not coming back the way he was ...and I miss him terribly. Like a shadow, his memory pierces and floods over me even as the sun is out.
I have been busy trying to figure out a way in which Caleb can have a richer life. I will not always be here for him..his brother's need to have a separate life, his friends no longer exist but for a very few. I am devising a plan which will allow Caleb to live in his beloved Wellfeet, perhaps have other friends who are more like him living with him, and a freer existence from me. Things are changing..he now drives to the Library a couple of days a week, by himself..and works with a dear friend of mine in the childrens section of the building. But he is sad..wonders where everyone is, and is bewidered by his circumstances. Can any one thing crush a mother's heart more?
I have been contemplating Jan's choice and have known that for us..the remaining family, it is simply not an option, really never has been.....we must go on..we must perservere..we must find some semblance of justice in all of this.....we must find our way.
I realize that writing it out is the way for me to heal...so I thank you for following even when we are down, even when we are up, and even when we are like yeast..changing and growing...alive!