Here we are, and always remain, a patchwork quilt of emotions, dreams and desires. A life sewn back together and cherished. I used to sing a pretty little tune in my head, and now it is a sad song that carries me. But through adversity comes change, and like that little green snake that resides in my pond, we slide along behind, shedding our old skin... and grow new.
Caleb and I sat cuddled together on my bed just before he left me to slumber away..and I spoke openly about his accident and told him how much I miss the old Caleb. For the first time he prompted the conversation and wanted to tell me how it felt from his vantage point...how he feels locked inside and cannot get back to who he was before. I reply that I too cannot seem to find who I was before his accident either...we are patched together..torn pieces and bare threads hanging loose. This is more than just a heartbreak for me..it smells of death.
Life goes on....he is active in the community, a bit happier each day, confident, and riding a wave to change.
I have been devising a plan to turn part of my property into a cutting bed so that I can employ Caleb and another brain injured man in the spring with the hopes of building this into a much bigger program. This is now my life and I take it on with open arms...bring it on... I shout into the heavens! So come buy your fresh flowers from us. We are looking for a name..Caleb and I will be selling at the farmer's market in Orleans and then hopefully the following year at the Prez Hall here in town. Organic veggies and flowers are the menu - so all of you free thinkers ..just give me some input if you have any.


And along with all of that, I still hold onto my childhood dream..that there will most certainly be a happy ending!
And I will once again find the beauty that is Caleb.

I was out with a "new" friend tonight and she spoke of how her husband cut a scallop out of it's shell, determined it was in a heart shape, delicately wrapped it, and brought it home to her. Oh my God... I thought my heart would explode.....in all the years I was married to Jan all I ever wanted was to go the long run...to get, after years of marriage..that heart shaped scallop.

Then I think of Caleb, and how delicate life can be, and I realized again, that all I ever wanted was to have my boys grow old along with me..healthy and complete.

So now I am learning that what we want......and instead what we get..is sometimes just the thing we need........ Because Jan could not love me the way I expected him to... I had to learn to love myself.

Because Caleb cannot give me my future...I have to create it.

In the past weeks, before I turned the corner, I was thinking mostly about death..and how I could slip out of this life with Caleb un- noticed. Now I just want to hang in there, because I realize how our lives are just a blink of the eye...and why not blink it out?
Our greatest impact is in the here and now......our only chance to change things resides in the present.

Caleb got into the truck tonight at dark..drove to So. Fleet to be with his dearest friend Cedar. I followed behind in my truck until the turn off..and kissed a silent goodbye as he turned right and I continued on.......
.and so we must all continue on.

This post has been long overdue...but I have been a very busy scrapper in the past two weeks, to say the least. I have determined that I can no longer keep one foot in landscaping, and the other involved with brain injury, so I have turned the businees over to Kai, who is perched and ready to fly. Meanwhile, I have connected Caleb up with three other brain injured men at this end of the Cape and they had their first bowling/pizza night out this past week. What smiles on those faces! We plan on seeing how this works for all of them, and then we will add movie nights, week-end activities etc. I am so happy for Caleb to have new friends in his life and the freedom he experienced last week was delicious!
We have been working on our barn for the past couple of weeks, transforming it into a space for Caleb to hang. As soon as it is painted ( right after Christmas) he will be more on his own. He is volunteering at the Library 3x a week, works with the after school program in clay, and sits in with the preschool crowd once a week. His schedule is intense, and I as his secretary am finding it taxing to keep up with...but oh is this good for him, for me, and for everyone involved.....We have turned another corner and it is looking bright out there for the first time in awhile.
I still toss all night .... each night, but now I find I am less stressed being wide awake when even the roosters are still, knowing that we are moving forward.
Not what I wanted, not what I thought I would ever be dealt...but what we have.....and having the best time with it possible.