It was a sobering moment when Kai said that he felt I had hit an all time low..it is one thing to feel it, and yet another thing altogether to have a child put into words the thoughts which echo your feelings. As we sat at the beach, (the beach where his father took his life), he said he had never once heard in all of his life the grasping sound of my giving up...and there it was...and I could hear the worry in his tenor. I can tell you that for me the thought of dissapointing any one of my children is a very big and concise kick in the butt...and it forced me out of lifelessness into action. I would say for all of you out there who labor over whether or not you should say something to a friend of a loved one about an issue which concerns you? --- go for it..it was just the jump start that I needed. So we are back on tract for now ..Caleb was given the honor of attending the Oyster fest as an official...the very same oyster fest that he loved, made money at, entertained the multitudes, and competed in at the shucking contest......and as one friend put it ..as the next hot shot she was rooting for to win..... and who was now standing on the stage handing out the prize winners money! He has come a long way. His beloved nurses were down again..if ever angels walked the face of the Earth! I am still hurt as we walk along the path and friends ignore him...the very same friends who called him hour after hour to be entertained by him only two years ago..... but I realize that we all have a choice to concentrate on what we have or what it is that we don't have..we can look at the bright side, or the dark side...and God help me, most of my life I have been looking at lack..and now I want to focus on abundance...I want to wake in the morning being able to say that my child is still alive; different, changed, transformed, but with us. I want to be able to say that the positive outweighs the negative, and that never, ever again will I dissapoint any of my children by not believing in myself!

It is from that same window that I watched him grow..
perched high above the garden green.
Hands dreamily dipped in soapy water...I watch him unaware.
He bends to study a tomato in the same way I study my face.
Creased, rough, lined with age.
He picks it anyways..
We understand eachothers wounds...
and I make my way through the day by remembering.

Now the light has settled to dust
I wake from the pillow.
This one is wrong....creased, rough, lined with age.
The soft has gone missing.
So I walk to the window once more. But he is gone.
and I make my way through the night by remembering.


Since I really can't sleep..I write to you.
Caleb is truely doing very well. His memory is getting better in small, but detectable increments. He has begun some volunteer work at the Library and commented to someone the other day who ran into him " I used to like that place"..but he goes very willingly and drives himself there, which boosts his pride. I am beginning to pull together a program where Caleb and other "disabled" young men can get together a couple of times a week..he desperately needs new friends.
I believe that what happens here- in this situation I find us in- is that after the initial shock wears off, and all of life seemingly goes back to normal, there is no longer a normal for me..or for the boys. We are making a new normal up as we go..but finding our footing is difficult. I bask in the fact that Caleb is alive, but truth be told, this is difficult at best. I appreciate his smile each morning, but I miss the old grin. I walk beside him and treasure, but my treasure is missing.
I don't know how other people have made it through this!
Not to worry about me..I am a tough old bird. I just cannot grow into my new skin and enjoy it. My heart is bursting with pain and I am so sad........and so tired of being sad.