Thank you all for responding to Caleb - he gets such a kick out of it. My arm is still frozen, although surgery went well...but with this therapy that I am involved with - lt should come back with time. It occurs to me while I am whinning to myself about my arm that all I want is to be well..and then I think about Caleb and it shuts me right up. He is remarkable in his approach..he just says, " I'm getting better" and leaves it at that!

His birthday is tomorrow and many of us will be paddling the crocodile nile ( as my boys always refered to the Pamet river ) out to the gut and then home for cake and ice cream. If you have the energy, a belated birthday card would be appreciated .....
45 sapokonish wellfleet Ma 02667 ..or just send him a greeting on his blog- he is now an avid reader. Be well, as we are. S

Hello All of you GOOD friends out there in this fine planet EARTH...!!! Thank all of you people for reading about me so far!!!!! SOOO lets see !!!!.....how am I doing now??? Not toooo bad these beautiful days...Still a tiny bit messed up with one blind eye...and one deaf ear.....Gosh Darn it....can't wait until the good ole..HEALTHINESS comes back around and gives me it's good old health gift....Ohhhh Yeahhh can't wait for that gift to happen,,,,Soooo hurry up great health and please kick my butt until it makes me nice and healthy again....Sooo Ohhhh Yeahhh bring it onnnn Pretty please!!!!!! I'm waiting!!!!! SOooo besides the crappy sick part of my life the rest or the other part is truely a great fun time hangin out with my truely fun and exciting mother and brothers....Ohhh Yeah not even joking around at all !! They are really fun and amazing to hang around with day by day....SOOO All I've got to say is how awefully excited and happy I am to notice the wonderful family members that I belong to...!!! SO Thank You GOOD ole Lord GOD for picking such a wonderfull family for me to grow up in!!! OHHHH YEAHHHHH!!!!!!! Thank All Of you People out there who enjoy reading this stuff !!! I definetly enjoy all of you people reading and then writing back to meeee!!!! SOOO keep it up....THANK YOU !!!! and write me more if anybody has the time....Otherwise reading works Toooo Sooo....Thank Alll Of You AGAIN And AGAIN !!!!! LOVE ME ...CALEB

We were in a bar in some dark and dusty corner of Costa Rica the year Timmy traveled with us. Caleb and I sat across from one another in a booth and I commented on the aquarium above us with ribbons and signs all over it. Seems it held the champion crab - the kind which carries his house on his back . hermit perhaps? He apparently held the record for winning every race on the bar top each Saturday night for the prior 3 years pitted against other crabs and lots of drunken dollars at stake. I commented on how he could probably smell his home each time the bar doors swung open. The ocean was only a beer bottle throw away. He crawled back and forth, and back and forth through his cage, pacing his remembrance of the steps to the seashore and it was menacing to try to enjoy the evening without noticing his frustration. When we left I caught a glimpse of Caleb fumbling in his pocket with a slight smile of guilt and glee, and what should emerge from that pocket- but the winning crab! We ran to the shore and set him free. A more delightful moment, I cannot remember.
I want to thank you for being with me, for noticing the pacing, the discomfort, the trapped feelings, and the frustration. For you have single handedly lifted me out of my cage with your kind words, your thoughts, your prayers and your hopes, and you have walked me back home ...just because you paid attention.
Paying attention seems like such a small thing..but in the big picture, paying attention is larger than life. Simply noticing is an act of faith. It says " I believe that you may feel trapped now in your situation, and darkness threatens to swallow you, but something, or someone will come along, and you will be set free....and I believe you are capable of walking away with the darkness at your back, and that the place of comfort that each of us calls home will eventually be right in front of you with her doors wide open"

I have surgery tomorrow, so if I don't get back right away - just trust, as you always do... that we are fine." Oh yes - and did i mention that Caleb got his drivers license?

I have recently connected with a woman in town for whom I have admired from afar for quite some time. She has terminal cancer and walks the walk towards the ending of her story with dignity and grace. She is a very brave soul and I now admire her from close up and adore her for her strength. This process has started me to thinking about what it is that we take with us and what it is that we leave behind when we part form this Earth. I spent so many years thinking about how people were thinking about me. Now I realize that all we take with us is what it is that we think about ourselves. Have we walked our walk with courage and kindness? Are we proud of ourselves - not for our accomplishments, but for the beat of a heart that says" I am." Have we looked deeply into our own eyes and spoke back the words..I am proud to be me? It is all we have- it is all we leave with.
What we leave behind are the people whose lives we have touched. That is our legacy..that is how we continue on.
I just realized that everything that exists in this world began at one point with a simple thought born out of someone. I am now thinking more about who it is that I want to be to those who walk this walk with me. I am thinking more about who it is that I want to be when I take my final walk. Change your thought and you change yourself.
My brave friend has touched me in ways she may never know..but I know and I am happy to have the chance to pass on her story, her dignity and her grace to others.

I am learning to love and cherish those things which seem impossible. Now that Jan is gone, and Caleb too, as we knew him, I am realizing the importance of thinking bigger about our individual lives....perhaps trying to get it "right" this time around, instead of hoping that we have another chance somewhere down the line. We have only the moment we are presently in. The past is just that; past... and the future is so uncertain. So for me...I am concentrating on what it is that makes me happy, for that is the barometer which meters our emotions..and if we are off kilter, and not happy, no matter what our individual circumstances might be, then we need to re-think our position...and joy ourselves to joy. What are we waiting for anyways? Happiness seems illusive, impossible to me right now - but I am learning to love what seems impossible . I am going to give it a whirl - come join me?

No- I am not finished here- just got slamp dunked by spring. Kai is basically running the show for me so that I can be with Caleb, but there are always a million and one things to do to keep the projects running smoothly, and I am the girl for that job!
We are holding up well..it is surgery on the horizon for my arm ( remember the fall in Jan?) I tore a ligiment..no wonder it is still in pain. Caleb has passed his test which is required by the state to see if he can take a drivers test and get back on the road. We are re-building the barn so that he can live independently in the fall, the house is in need of better windows which go in this May, ---so see what I mean by projects up the wazoo! Life is marching forward. We still find that we as a unit get sad and miss our Caleb and our "before" life. It is an empty glass of wine and a blanket tossed bed that I wake to each morning. Night time is daunting..but each morning when Caleb greets me with his "mornin mama" I praise the powers that be, fold my hands together and recite a thank you that clears the clouds above. We each get to choose how we will spend the day - in sorrow or in joy...and we are lookin to the joy side with a smile on our faces!

So what is it that the Universe has called upon us as a family to become as a result of Caleb's accident? I believe that she never gives one person a lesson when she can affect 3, maybe 4 people...so she bunches us together as friends and enemies ( who are really our angels because they force us to become more than we could ever allow ourselves to be without them) and she delivers a powerful commandment...go forth and become who it is that you were meant to be...who it is that you already decided on another level- that it is that you want to become. So efficient she is!

For Jan I would say that he was meant to understand love for himself in a way that he never allowed in..for Max, to give up his self destructive tendencies and to listen to the pure music that plays in his soul...so beautiful! For Kai to follow his passions and to never again belittle himself because he is such a big person...more than he could ever know,and for me to find herself, even at this seemingly late date...and to experience forgiveness.
I have turned a corner as of late...I have spoken these words to Caleb, and I share them with you ....I hold you, dear one in my heart forever, but I must live my life now, and with that comes the faith, the trust, that you too are doing the same. You are my teacher. I stare into the eyes of the vibrant being of you before the accident, and I realize that you continue to affect people even in your reduced state more than anyone I have ever encountered. I hold you tenderly in my arms, but more so, I hold you in my being...for you have walked me down a new path..and have shown me a new way to love. My heart has opened and I love you now more that ever before, because you demonstrate what life should be.

Hellllllooooo Tooo every-one who read my writings and decided to write me back!!!!
SOOOO OHHH YEAHHHH .....thank you THANK You ...THANK YOU to everyone who took the time to write me a wonderfully nice little message!!! SOOO OHH yeahhhh!!! THIS Is only the 2nd time ever that I Have been on this web site SOO it Is taking me a little toooooo long to write down my blog answers...but lets all just forget about that one for now....OKAY-DOKAYYYY !!!!! Well lets see here Winter time is finally changed over to a nice warmer Spring time thank god....because winter was really kind of nasty wet and freezing cold...and I couldn't wait until the warmer weather was here.....AND now it isssss SOOOO YIPPPPPIEEE F'ing AAAAAA!!! I AM done being cold...I'd rather the nice warm weather....Soooo Bring it on Nice new season...BRING IT ONNNNN!!!!!!! YIPPIEEEE NICE New Weather is what I'm AllS about ...Sooo COME on world weather....Bring It ONNNNN!!!!

from Caleb himself!

HELLOOOOO!!!! Helllloooooo..!! to all of you nice people out there in this magnificant world......So people,,,I don't really get it!! Why there are so many of you out there reading about my boring little life !!! BUT thanks anyways....keep it up because I really love all of you people out there in this fine looking world....SOOOO Ohhh Yeahhh!!!! keep on writing more and more and I will also Write back as soon as possible...SOOOO ALLL Of my amazing friends thank all of you sooo very much and keep it up If you want tooo... well well....goodbye for now all of my computer friends
LOVE ME CALEB!!!!

Dusty Finch

As you will remember, Gracie was Caleb's first girlfriend. She is a young lady of substance and as her name depicts; grace. Her mother, Dusty; an Earth mother..kind, generous,loving and fun.
As a mother who's son was now intertwined with a new family, I found myself harboring new fears...would they like him, be kind to him, accept him? Dusty and Caleb became fast friends. A week ago Dusty handed over a note to her Grace that Caleb had written to her years ago..she had saved it all this time.
I was always grateful for her..that she could see in Caleb what I could see, and comforted that he had an extended family who's kindness had no bounds.
I remember the day Dusty walked into her big beautiful yard with giant oaks towering above, tucking us under their leaves to keep us from the burning sun. She held a wooden bowl as big as a bushel basket and was stirring her latest concoction - rice crispy treats as she announced to all that she didn't have time to press them into a pan..we could just ball them up with our hands and eat them as is! That to me was her spirit..take me as I am, no pretension, and always with a hint of mischief.

Now there are days when I can still get to feeling pretty sorry for myself over our situation with Caleb, but I am trying to remember that we are not alone. Life can be tricky sometimes; forcing us to grow in ways we don't feel ready for or well equipped for. There are joyous days and very sad days...the roller coaster of life that lifts us high and dumps us down. I cherish the up days..the days of eating rice crispy treats, the days of peace and calm, the days of love and laughter, the sharing of our journey with the people who treat us kindly..like the Dusty Finch's of the world..... who passed away yesterday.
Grace still has the note, and I will always have the memories.

April fools day

Hard to believe that one year has gone by since riding in the car and getting the phone call about Jan!
April fools day was a special day to us when Jan and I were married. Actually before we were married and shacking up together..I pulled the usual tricks on him..tied shoes, celephane on the toilets, rubber band around the rinser at the kitchen sink. I called a truce by pulling him in close and kissing him with both hands on either side of his face. What he did not know was that I had soaked my palms with green food coloring, donned some gloves immediately, drove to the light house restaurant and watched with delight as people stared at him and poked fun while he struggled with what had gone wrong. Another year he retaliated by planting a full water balloon in the fridge, bulging with the expectancy of spilling at my feet. However I opened and closed the door to get the cream for my coffee so quickly that the balloon remained....perched in emergency. When finally I re-opened ...the balloon fell softly, bouncing several times on the floor, rolled to Jan.....He picked it up..hucked it at me, where upon I caught it and threw it back bursting at the seams and soaking his exhausted attempts. Those were the days of love and laughter.
That was the energy that created three sons.
Caleb still asks for his dad, and I still struggle, like the balloon, in the telling of the tale.

On this day...To my sons I would like to say...all of our life comes to us in narrative form; it's the story we tell. Change the story and you change your life. Do not tell the story of how hurt you are that he is gone, but instead speak of how much you have learned from him. Do not speak of how you cringe when someone else speaks of their father, but cherish and proudly shout out about who he was to you in the short time you shared his life. Tell the tale of how he affected you in positive ways ...speak of his kindness and of his energy. Speak of his stregth, that is now inherently yours. Like inscense and the past tense, he is gone..and yet he remains in you in so many ways. Hear him in the wind, ride upon his strong shoulder when you crest a wave, hear his pounding heart with the rhythm of your hammer. He remains..he remains...always in love with you as I witnessed in his eyes when he first held you. It would be one of the few moments where he let down his guard and loved fully. Change your story about your father..be proud and hold your heads up high knowing that you took from him all of his best attributes, all of his qualities that will be remembered. He lives on in you. Be mindful..and remember his goodness...you too are loved just as well. Take the wondrousness of it all to a place you can call home.. And I too will chersih him for you. Your mother.

I attended a concert tonight with Caleb and as I was leaving, a friend of mine shouted down from the balcony, which made me look up instead of down to where I was going and I totally missed the stairs which were smack dab in in front of me. I was in high heels (of course) and I danced my way down - missing two..maybe three stairs at a time...contorting this way and that...never twisting an ankle, and I almost ate shit at the bottom, but by the grace of God, I instead crashed into a closed door, composed myself as best I could, and turned around to see a smiling Caleb watching me still from the top of the stairs.
It was in that moment that I realized that I was laughing.......I had struggled myself to joy!
After all this time, it was a realization that you may find silly - but I recognized tonight that Caleb would not want me to be so sad. He, as he was tonight , was laughing right along with me..witnessing the spectacle I had made of myself, and was enjoying the simple joy of joy!
How could I have missed this?- of all the people in the world, Caleb always knew how to laugh at himself, and at others in a way that would allow them to find the humor in any situation!

I am going to bed now..and tomorrow I am going to laugh a whole hell of alot more!

Oh heavy, heavy heart. A brave and respected woman I know has decided that rather than stay on life support and put her kids through hell, she will instead choose death! I sat with her this afternoon..her veil thinned blue skin radiating under duress, her strength shouting through her eyes, her determination lit up by the heavens. Her children close by, sitting , waiting, expecting, hurting. I realized that it took such pin point precision courage for Caleb to fight his way back to life, and tonight I lay witness to a woman with the same courage; choosing death. I saw her study her children's faces, one by one,as if to memorize them, I saw her smile ever so tenderly as each of their eyes met hers. I watched as she spoke to them in whispers of no words.

I walked away from her room a forever changed person.

A life interrupted. I went for about 4 or 5 years without my feet on the ground following my divorce, and now I am on year one and 3/4 with 3 more years to go with Caleb's accident - perhaps more, perhaps less. It seems daunting at times..and as if the years are fliiping over like calendar pages at others.
Someone said to me the other day in the most kind manner " I have never known anyone so unlucky" But I say that some of us choose our paths and are all the more daring for it......and I think the whole Potter/ Lindsay clan has taken this event on..because we can! What lessons we will learn from this! Yes this tears me apart and threatens in the middle of the night to devour me whole...but for the most part, I am emerging as if from a cocoon..... at first beaten and battered, wet and tired, hardly the material to write home about........ and then when I feel I cannot go on again, I open my eyes and I find I am armed with the most delicate wings with which to fly!
We are moving forward, if ever so slightly.

hello mum- good to hear some news from home. I'm glad the bowling goes on and I am so happy that Max is having fun and that he has Lara to keep him excited and interested.
so- I think we have an idea of what's to happen. We go back to Bali tomorrow morn. We will extend our visas 30 days, but Shaye and I will return on the 25th of March or so. I would like to be home for the 1st. One year has gone so fast. We are well, $ are holding up, I am surfing well and having fun. We will set out on our own to Sumatera as soon as we can get out of Bali. I miss you very much and hope you are really ok. I think often of how close you and I are, but also that in recent times, we have been unable to really get into it; we skim across the icy surface, distributing our weight as to avoid breaking through the fragile layer that serarates us from an entire frozen sea of pain. But I would like to break through with you, because we both need to and I am sure, because I trust you fully, that we can pull one another back out. We have to fall through sometime, and better together; alone.. I dont know I would find my way back up.
I love you, respect you and admire you more than you could ever understand. if you were aware of how profoundly you have shaped my life and given me the tools required to extract meaning and happyness from this often heartless life, you should be proud of yourself as a mother and a friend indeed.
I love you. be well, tell caleb I say hi and I love him and miss him. I will write him an email once back in bali. love you both. kai