April fools day

Hard to believe that one year has gone by since riding in the car and getting the phone call about Jan!
April fools day was a special day to us when Jan and I were married. Actually before we were married and shacking up together..I pulled the usual tricks on him..tied shoes, celephane on the toilets, rubber band around the rinser at the kitchen sink. I called a truce by pulling him in close and kissing him with both hands on either side of his face. What he did not know was that I had soaked my palms with green food coloring, donned some gloves immediately, drove to the light house restaurant and watched with delight as people stared at him and poked fun while he struggled with what had gone wrong. Another year he retaliated by planting a full water balloon in the fridge, bulging with the expectancy of spilling at my feet. However I opened and closed the door to get the cream for my coffee so quickly that the balloon remained....perched in emergency. When finally I re-opened ...the balloon fell softly, bouncing several times on the floor, rolled to Jan.....He picked it up..hucked it at me, where upon I caught it and threw it back bursting at the seams and soaking his exhausted attempts. Those were the days of love and laughter.
That was the energy that created three sons.
Caleb still asks for his dad, and I still struggle, like the balloon, in the telling of the tale.

On this day...To my sons I would like to say...all of our life comes to us in narrative form; it's the story we tell. Change the story and you change your life. Do not tell the story of how hurt you are that he is gone, but instead speak of how much you have learned from him. Do not speak of how you cringe when someone else speaks of their father, but cherish and proudly shout out about who he was to you in the short time you shared his life. Tell the tale of how he affected you in positive ways ...speak of his kindness and of his energy. Speak of his stregth, that is now inherently yours. Like inscense and the past tense, he is gone..and yet he remains in you in so many ways. Hear him in the wind, ride upon his strong shoulder when you crest a wave, hear his pounding heart with the rhythm of your hammer. He remains..he remains...always in love with you as I witnessed in his eyes when he first held you. It would be one of the few moments where he let down his guard and loved fully. Change your story about your father..be proud and hold your heads up high knowing that you took from him all of his best attributes, all of his qualities that will be remembered. He lives on in you. Be mindful..and remember his goodness...you too are loved just as well. Take the wondrousness of it all to a place you can call home.. And I too will chersih him for you. Your mother.

I attended a concert tonight with Caleb and as I was leaving, a friend of mine shouted down from the balcony, which made me look up instead of down to where I was going and I totally missed the stairs which were smack dab in in front of me. I was in high heels (of course) and I danced my way down - missing two..maybe three stairs at a time...contorting this way and that...never twisting an ankle, and I almost ate shit at the bottom, but by the grace of God, I instead crashed into a closed door, composed myself as best I could, and turned around to see a smiling Caleb watching me still from the top of the stairs.
It was in that moment that I realized that I was laughing.......I had struggled myself to joy!
After all this time, it was a realization that you may find silly - but I recognized tonight that Caleb would not want me to be so sad. He, as he was tonight , was laughing right along with me..witnessing the spectacle I had made of myself, and was enjoying the simple joy of joy!
How could I have missed this?- of all the people in the world, Caleb always knew how to laugh at himself, and at others in a way that would allow them to find the humor in any situation!

I am going to bed now..and tomorrow I am going to laugh a whole hell of alot more!

Oh heavy, heavy heart. A brave and respected woman I know has decided that rather than stay on life support and put her kids through hell, she will instead choose death! I sat with her this afternoon..her veil thinned blue skin radiating under duress, her strength shouting through her eyes, her determination lit up by the heavens. Her children close by, sitting , waiting, expecting, hurting. I realized that it took such pin point precision courage for Caleb to fight his way back to life, and tonight I lay witness to a woman with the same courage; choosing death. I saw her study her children's faces, one by one,as if to memorize them, I saw her smile ever so tenderly as each of their eyes met hers. I watched as she spoke to them in whispers of no words.

I walked away from her room a forever changed person.

A life interrupted. I went for about 4 or 5 years without my feet on the ground following my divorce, and now I am on year one and 3/4 with 3 more years to go with Caleb's accident - perhaps more, perhaps less. It seems daunting at times..and as if the years are fliiping over like calendar pages at others.
Someone said to me the other day in the most kind manner " I have never known anyone so unlucky" But I say that some of us choose our paths and are all the more daring for it......and I think the whole Potter/ Lindsay clan has taken this event on..because we can! What lessons we will learn from this! Yes this tears me apart and threatens in the middle of the night to devour me whole...but for the most part, I am emerging as if from a cocoon..... at first beaten and battered, wet and tired, hardly the material to write home about........ and then when I feel I cannot go on again, I open my eyes and I find I am armed with the most delicate wings with which to fly!
We are moving forward, if ever so slightly.

hello mum- good to hear some news from home. I'm glad the bowling goes on and I am so happy that Max is having fun and that he has Lara to keep him excited and interested.
so- I think we have an idea of what's to happen. We go back to Bali tomorrow morn. We will extend our visas 30 days, but Shaye and I will return on the 25th of March or so. I would like to be home for the 1st. One year has gone so fast. We are well, $ are holding up, I am surfing well and having fun. We will set out on our own to Sumatera as soon as we can get out of Bali. I miss you very much and hope you are really ok. I think often of how close you and I are, but also that in recent times, we have been unable to really get into it; we skim across the icy surface, distributing our weight as to avoid breaking through the fragile layer that serarates us from an entire frozen sea of pain. But I would like to break through with you, because we both need to and I am sure, because I trust you fully, that we can pull one another back out. We have to fall through sometime, and better together; alone.. I dont know I would find my way back up.
I love you, respect you and admire you more than you could ever understand. if you were aware of how profoundly you have shaped my life and given me the tools required to extract meaning and happyness from this often heartless life, you should be proud of yourself as a mother and a friend indeed.
I love you. be well, tell caleb I say hi and I love him and miss him. I will write him an email once back in bali. love you both. kai

Dearest Kai and Max,
I want to speak to you from the heart. I have been experiencing great sadness surrounding all of what has come to pass in our lives. I have been sad that Caleb is lost to us as he once was, and I know this breaks your hearts as well. I can see it in your eyes when you look at him. I am sad that your father chose to leave us when we needed him the most. I sense this loss in your souls when someone speaks his name. I am sad that we will forever be changed. Caleb is very alone now on his journey.... he struggles daily to regain some sense of what has happened to him and why he is the way he is today. He prays each night that he will see again out of his left eye and will hear again out of his right ear. He is sad as well. In his saddness I see his determination and his fight. He is a warrior of the strongest kind because he is full of love. That is what defined him prior to his accident and defines him now in his healing. He is and always will be full of love.
The inevitable has happened.. most of his friends have stepped away, and this is said not with blame or guilt attached to it, but just with more tears as I know how much people, his friends in particular, have meant to him. I have learned something from this. Caleb always put everyone first - even before himself as you know...much like your father did....and now (for the most part) he stands alone . I have learned that putting yourself and your happiness first is the most important thing you can do in your lifetime...follow your bliss. No-one else knows what is best for you...but you do! Because of this trajedy I want more specifically, almost with a certain urgency, to impart on you the idea of following your heart ..against all odds and against convention. Bliss guides you and tells you when you are on the right track. Your emotions back that up. I want to know that you will try to generate different feelings from this day forward, because by doing so you will make everything right that has been wronged.
Be the creator, the generator of your life. Find something in all of this that makes sense and heals you......and know in your hearts that I will forever be at your backs!

What is it I am made of? I hurt like old worn shoes..but I am still here, living and loving every day. At night I still find time to cry into downy feathers with a storm in my heart, but in the day I often laugh, and in spite of myself, I still see joy wherever I look. Babie's eyes connect in passing, as if we share a secret or two - and I send them off with a blessing of long life, no harm! Wonderful friends, old and new, approach with kind words or warm hugs. People I never would have met, had it not been for Caleb, are now cememnted in my life, and together they help to rebuild me , to piece me together like the scarecrow in the "Wizard". I am grateful for each day that Caleb and I stroll the streets of Wellfleet, arc over the avenues of life and meander through the meadows of our minds . I am learning so much from this journey..how to be grateful, how to be forgiving, how to look at things with a fresh outlook, not to sweat the little things. It is so dificult to not look back, to not yearn for my "lost Boy". It takes every ounce of energy I have each day to stay focused on what is, rather than what is not, or what could be... I miss him so very much...I bleed sometimes from the loneliness of him..These feeling are like verbs..they create action in my system and pain me. But I crawl out of the shawdows into the daylight and I feel that I must trust in the unknown,in the mysteries of life. What is it I am made of? I hope it is of dreams lost and then dreams found.

I was on my way home to Ohio for a visit with Jan and the boys, and called home somewhere in Pennsylvania to update my arrival time, only to find that my mother was dying. She had suufered from diabeties related diseases for some time and this was her final hurrah. I was a young mother, not fully equipped to be without her at that time. The thing that I remeber most about her as I stood by her bed were the sounds she made, so similar to the sounds Anne had chorased at Sky's homebirth where I stood like a sentry with Cedar by my side. So death's sounds were a rebirthing . After the shock of her death and after I rolled into acceptance of it, I too had a rebirthing of sorts. My mother and I had suffered through a difficult ( at best) relationship. After a year or so had gone by, I actually realized that I was free in a way that I never had been while she was alive. Free to be me. Now please don't get me wrong..I do not think it was mother who limited me, but myself. I could have been brave enough to break through the barriers of who she expected me to be ( or who I thought she expected me to be) but I wasn't. So I had finally woken to the realization that I could be just the woman I wanted to be...and the debilitating beliefs I held about myself could die with her.
I now am looking forward to yet another birth - that of Kai, Max and myself. We must find a way to find acceptance with who it is that the Universe has called forth for Caleb to be..and all of us along with him. I do not get to go through a single day without heartbreak, nor a single night without nightmares, but I also do not get to pass through the day without opportunities to grow and to love and to choose differently for myself. The sun is out and I am filled with the warmth of possibilities..that I might become a forgiving, kind heart; that I might finally learn to love myself more; that I might reach for the best possible thought when the choice are vast and temptation rears; that I might discover my reason for being and laugh with all the tenderness and abandon of someone who has followed the path that was intended for them. That I might be as helpless as a newborn whose eyes scan the suroundings for the very first time and think " bring it on!"

Much like an animal, Caleb lives in the present. When I am present and in the moment, I too do very well..it is when I vassilate between past and future that I get into trouble. I have not written in a while, and thank you for noticing, because at times even I become fatigued with my dribbling on and on about sadness and confusion and life and I get sick to death of hearing myself...so how could you not was my reasoning? Thanks for not ditching me!
Max has gone to Costa as of last evening to see his sweet Lara, and now Caleb and I remain on the homefront..me a bit disheveled and uncertain, and Caleb a bit bored without the constant coming and goings of his entorage. I have been particularly pensive about my life lately...it's as tho life is force feeding me stillness- not something I have ever done well. Caleb's accident brought life as I knew it to a grinding halt, Jan's suicide caused me to stop and ponder all that I thought was real, and a simple thing like my injured arm has made me focus on my caregiving since I can't possible run around and "do" all the things I do to keep me busy and totally preoccupied so that I don't have to think about things that I don't wish to think about. . So in my stillness I scrutinize all I have done in my life which I regret, and all the things I have loved, for which I have no regrets, and all the hopes I have for the future, where I hope regrets will pack up and mosey on by.
I am on the waxing end of life now - I don't know where or when exactly that that turn of events transpired...from a young girl full of promise and hopes, to a young woman raising children to where I am now, but I know now that I am looking at my mortallity in a way that I never have bothered with before. I watch the moon hovering above and realize that I too have cast shawdows that have kept out the light. I am illuminated by all that I have learned in the course of my years...and I am encouraged by all that I did not do well, because it humbles me and makes me human.
And I take great comfort in knowing it is the same moon that shines down on all of us.

Every family has it's own sounds; makes it's own music. When I walk into Anne's it is the sound of folk music seasoning the greens frying in the cast iron kettle. Wooden floor boards strain under the feet and a trilogy of cats purr out a melody, while tea cups collide.
In my house it is the sound of coffe pouring and crakling fires, that is if they can be heard over Etta James or Ween belting from the sterio. The clock announces each minute and then barks out on the hour as if I need to be reminded of how time flys. The funace burns out a tune each time it fires up and Caleb wakes and begins to blow at his mobile's above, while Spud announces company and the cat whines for food.
Caleb and I share the house now. It is just the two of us and I laugh at the sounds we make. Like a little ole couple who are wrinkled with time and know eachother well......we sing a familiar tune. The skuffle of his slippers, the comforting breathes from his room, his good morning chime, the complaining when dinner is late, the softness in his voice when he is sad..........
accompanied by the clucking of a mother, the urging in a voice, the bewildered sounds of not knowing what to do to make things better, the amped up anger that spills in the middle of the night when she is sad.
What lies ahead for us?
It is said that most of us go to the grave without knowing our own music.... So if by some chance Caleb lived his first 26 years fully and has now chosen a different path, a path which bonds Kai and Max and I eternally and makes us question everything we ever knew.....
And if by some chance we have been thrown into a world of new desires which forces us to grow new skin and causes us to shed our old thoughts of how things are....
Then by some chance we will lean to compose a new kind of music and delight in one another....just as we are.

Bargaining with God is tough and too labor intensive for me to keep up much longer. You know the kind of talk ...it goes something like this ..." I promise to do.... if only you will give me ". On a conscious level, I would say that I never plea bargain, but I do catch myself time and time again asking for the clock of time to turn back, for the screen door not to slam shut behind me, closing out all that I had before as I beg for one final chance to change this whole mess around. It is unbearable to realize that my life has changed as I knew it. It is hard to know that my conversations with Caleb will never be what they were before. It is hard to imagine that he is gone in that way. To me he was the purest distillation. He was my comfort and my peace...he stood for all that was innocent and new...he was my little red wagon.
We are moving forward and I am keeping my eyes opened for possibilities of healing. We are doing the very best we can under the circumstances which we have been given. Like it? Not one bit..but bear it, we do!
It's amusing to think that we can be brave when we are so frightened, confident when we are weak, smiling when we are crushed. I think that this is what this is all about for us--life has changed dramaticallly, we don't know which end is up as we tumble through the gauntlet of emotions each day that threaten to beat us down...and all the while we fight to regain our stability.
Life sometimes wears very little lipstick!

An e-mail from Kai...
Hello mum.
Finally just got your email. I've just come from 3 hrs of surfing a big, clean fun wave and am salty and crusty. I am doing well and enjoying my time- but still all I think of is home and caleb and all of us- as if it would be wrong for me not to do so. And this is ok- beacause I will think of it no matter where I am. This is not a bad thing- to think- I have some distance and perhaps, hopefully, some new perspective. It was so good to talk to Caleb last night (a.m. for you). He sounded really good, clear and spoke more fluidly than the last time I spoke with him. He said, "I sound better than I really am"- that saddened me. It all does. There is no escape form it- I did not come here to run from it, but to examine it all. I am well. We are getting good surf and everyone is getting along well. I love you and miss you. Heal up. Talk to you soon.

Caleb. I love to hear your voice over the phone because I miss it- waking me up in the morning or asking where your dinner is at night. All I can think of when I am here is having you here with me and how much fun we would have. I see you in so many places here. I sometimes have a hard time when I'm talking to people because the things they say seem so fake and unimportant. You never wasted words- even when you were joking around and I always love talking with you. When you are feeling better and more healed- we will come to some warm place and swim in some clear green water. Caleb- I have always felt closer to you than any other living thing. I felt I could tell you anything- without even saying a word you would understand me. Like I told you the other morning, it breaks my heart a thousand times every day when I think of you getting hurt, and the struggle that you face every day- just to get through the day. I am amazed at how strongly you turn into the storm winds that rage against you- head on and pushing farther and farther with each step. Caleb, you were hurt so badly that parts of you were taken from you- and I miss those parts so deeply- but I love you and and as I promised in the hospital- I will always be your little brother and I swear to help you with anything you need for the rest of our lives. I will always help you heal in anyway I can. I love you. Your little brother Kai.

We are coming along fine. Caleb is holding on to the thought that Kai is in Bali..that is new to him, to be able to remember from one day to the next. He is still busy with his traditional healings and unconventional healings as well. Gym two times per week, walking everyday, we will begin swimming in a week or so, yoga and massage plus acupuncture are his regulars. Game night continues on Wed. He has been asked to practice with the world music ensemble once a week..he drums...I listen.
He had a re-birthing last week and when asked to give his consent after describing what we were going to do....mimicking the moments right after he came into the world....Caleb paused and then said " there's no way I'm gonna get naked." So he is cracking us up as well as "doin his thing."

Kai is calling almost every three days..he is missing his brother and we are working on his letting go of guilt for being away...It doesn't help that Caleb always says " lucky bastard" to Kai each time he calls, but oh well. They are finally getting some epic waves so that should help him forget about us for awhile.

Max is busy readying the apt. for his move which should be in about a week or so. After so long a time, life is beginning to feel almost downright normal for a change.

Acceptance is in the air, tucked in the corner of a smile, in the blue of a twinkling eye, in the beating of a heart. My heart is softer now, not so pained all the time. We have rounded a corner. Life has thrown this dasterdly bump in the road and we went flinging off into the ditch for a bit... but now we are up, having dusted off our skin and have discovered that all the bruses and bleedings have only made us stronger. We are determined to be the best damned family we can be and to do one turn better-- to be happy.

The first fire was at Otto McGrady's. The next one burned down Harold and Marion's barn just a pace down the road. It was thought that arsonist's had started them, but in Ohio it could just have easily been one of those blaring lightning bolts that hit often and offensively. As a kid, my father would gather us all into the old heap of a car and off we would go to see if we could be of any help, and for what I suspected was more about watching a thing of terror and a thing beauty similtaneously. Fire.

I have a love of fire that stems from those barn burnings. I am drawn like a clock is to time. Once the boys told me when they were in gradeschool the sirens went off a blazing and fire engines pulled out of the station in what promised to be a grand fire somewhere. The kids just turned to mine in the playground and said " oh it's probably just your ma with her brush fire." It has been a long standing understanding that when I "pass" the boys are to toss me on top of our burn pile. By the time the engines arrive I will be just a pile of thoughts.

I get this love of fire from my mother, no doubt, who set an entire field on fire" burnin" the trash on a windy day and I watched in horror as my eyelashes floated down onto my writing paper like fine ashes the day after I battled yet another field fire with my brother and sisters. We would grab empty feed bags to beat out the flames. The flames often won.

The fire burns now in the stove as I sit with Caleb and read to him and with the very same intention set forth as a burning fire ...I set my intention for him. To sweep forward without looking back with regret over what is lost.

I know that "they " say that bad luck runs in threes..and tho I don't like to think of myself as a believer of hocus pokus...that thought...it has danced in my head. So now that I have a little bent-up left arm in a sling like a little broken birdy wing...I feel happier knowing we have hit that lucky number. Perhaps we can rest easy. I found myself face up within seconds of hitting an ice patch and staring up into Caleb's face who looked slightly bemused and bewildered with my state. .....lying flat on my back, writhing in pain.
Now I know that you will think me certifiable crazy, but I am glad that I pulled a ligament and that I suffered through the night. It has had a profound effect on me...First it has made me even more compassionate about what all Caleb has gone through to get to where he is today...and secondly, and perhaps more importantly, it has allowed to help me stop beating myself up over the why's. Why did Caleb fall off that skateboard..why when he was so sure footed ? As I was falling it was like trying to catch smoke..nothing to grab onto.....and down I went with no other choice but to plummet, and now I know that he too must have experienced that feeling..and I get it.
My friend Anne and I have been discussing pain in our collective lives and pain that we see in others..and we were talking about how all of us have a choice each and every day to choose to be happy or not - no matter what the circumstances....almost in spite of the circumstances.
So just for today I am going to rub my little broken wing and treat it tenderly and bless it for giving me another chance to choose .